Should I tell OW Husband?

[Daffodil18]

I’m so conflicted on what to do and it’s weighing heavy on me. I feel like I’m now a part of the affair with the secret and lies.

YABU - I should not break up another family
YANBU - He has a right to know

He has a right to know and I wouldn't hesitate to tell him. Don't be part of the dirty secret.

I’d tell him too, stick to the facts but then leave it, I wouldn’t want to keep in contact.

Tell him.

You didn't break up a family. His wife did.

I'd definitely want to know if it was me.

Yes I'd tell him.

No, stay out of it. You have no idea what the state of their marriage is or what her husband is like.

Is it someone your husband has been having an affair with? In that case, I'd tell the OWs husband.

Yes, absolutely. He deserves the right to know. Keep it factual, but tell him.

I have a friend who was badly affected by the OW’s husband not telling her when he could have. She had been persuaded to take out credit by her not-so DH and ended up financially badly affected. If the OW husband had told her she would not have done that.

I do know them and that is why I feel so bad. It will be a double betrayal for OW DH. If I didn’t then I could emotionally detach from the fall out.

Also as someone asked yes it is my STBEXH

In the past I would have said yes, and in fact did tell my husband's OW's partner.

But now I have experienced domestic abuse as a result of my husband being told I was having what he considered to be an affair. In fact we are separated, but he is still possessive and controlling. My life is a living hell, I am in multiple forms of danger and the police social services are now involved.

You never know what a woman's male partner is like and what he might do to her. It's unsisterly to put her in danger.

The fact is your relationship was in trouble. It's not the other woman's fault.

These are all hard lessons I have learned. So hard, I no longer believe in monogamy.

I suggest taking really good care of yourself rather than trying to punish OW.

Leaving everything else aside, I would want to know if I was being cheated on therefore I would always tell the spouse of the cheater. Tell him as kindly as possible (I'm sure you will), it may come as a relief to him to know for sure.

I always used to think I would tell, but if I had children with a cheater then the future 'relationship' would be more important. I think sometimes you have to look after yourself and your future.

Tell him. If he finds out you knew all along it'll be awful.

PS I have somewhat of a double standard on this. I might tell a woman her male partner was cheating, especially if he were gaslighting her.

My goal is to inhibit the multiple ways males abuse women. My husband cheated and gaslit me severely for 2 decades. Finding out the truth was traumatic but important for my liberation.

Years ago when I found out my then partner was cheating on me with his ex I told her husband and have zero regrets.
I have no idea if they stayed together nor do I care but I feet he deserved to know. I kicked my ex out on the spot

Feel not feet

You can only tell once. Don’t use it when you are hot angry.

Use that information to keep the pain on her in the future, so she can never feel comfortable.

I'd tell him. The only exception to this would be if I knew he was a violent person.

Yes if it is your other half she had the affair with her husband has a right to know.

I would tell him. He deserves to know.

I wish someone had told me.

'Unsisterly'?? To someone who has had an affair with her husband??? Are you joking??? Fuck that!

@DoomsdayPrep not quite as 'unsisterly' as sleeping with someone else's husband..,,

Depends what your motivation is.
If it is revenge don't do it. If you expect him to "do something" don't do it. He cannot fix the hurt created by the OW and your STBX you want fixed.

He may already know and is trying to keep a front of normalcy as he tries to fix the damage created by his wife.