Page 6 | Should I tell OW Husband?

Daffodil18 · 2023-08-18T09:55:52+00:00

I’m so conflicted on what to do and it’s weighing heavy on me. I feel like I’m now a part of the affair with the secret and lies. YABU - I should not break up another family YANBU - He has a right to know

nobabiesyet · 18/08/2023 14:03

I would tell him. Wouldn't you want to know? Othewise when he does find out he will also be angry with you. Tell him factually ASAP. The ones who have betrayed him have caused this issue, don't lie by omission to protect them.

momonpurpose · 18/08/2023 14:05

I would tell. He has the right to know

Mari9999 · 18/08/2023 14:08

@Daffodil18
Why not just focus on getting your own life in order know nothing about the situation within the other marriage. There's could be an open marriage. The other husband could be abusive. He could be as happy as a clam.

My personal belief would be that if I had not been able to keep my own house in order, I would not be attempting to set someone else's house in order.

The role of avenging angel does not suit everyone and is not appropriate for every situation.

Focus on managing your own life and whom.That is task enough for anyone.

ehupo7 · 18/08/2023 14:12

NotMyBagButCrackOn · 18/08/2023 13:45

Don't worry @DoomsdayPrep@DoomsdayPrep. Mumsnet is extremely conventional with very traditional values. A lot of posters can barely cope with step parents, let alone with people who don't prioritise monogamy above all else. It simply does not compute that some people live and think differently.

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lol it’s not about prioritising monogamy – this poster was advising the OP that she should not tell the AP’s husband as it’s ‘unsisterly’

And the issue with affairs generally isn’t really monogamy, it’s about transparency and consent

Original poster

Daffodil18 · 18/08/2023 14:12

Pissedoffandcovidy · 18/08/2023 14:01

Your exDH is allowing the man who’s wife he had an affair with emotionally support him😮😮?! That is really bad. Was it a full on physical affair? What has your dh told him about why you’ve broken up - what does the OW’s dh actually think happened?
I think you have to tell him.

Yes it was a physical affair. I found out 4 months ago but he said it was a random woman. I’ve had my suspicions as the story didn’t make sense but he was very ‘remorseful’ and wanted to end his life if he couldn’t be with me. His friend knows this story. I then found out who it really was nearly 2 weeks ago. I spoke with OW a week ago and my ExDH had told her he loved her and wanted them to be together but she didn’t want to leave her DH.

OP posts:

Ridemeginger · 18/08/2023 14:14

OP, if your silence so far has been at the behest of your STBXH and OW, then I am assuming there was some promise of good faith on their part in exchange? Your ex using the unsuspecting cuckold as an emotional crutch doesn't sound like very good faith behaviour. Maybe you need to tell them that they need to be straight with him. At the moment, you appear to be the gatekeeper for everyone else's feelings and safety, and your feelings are being ignored and you are being put into a very unfair position of "guilt by knowledge". You need to make it clear to them all (now, and to the OW husband if this outs), that you are not responsible for anyone else's feelings and wellbeing, only your own (and your children's if you have them). And your "suicidal" ex is using the oldest trick in the book to create DARVO.

nameitagain · 18/08/2023 14:17

DoomsdayPrep · 18/08/2023 11:33

PS I have somewhat of a double standard on this. I might tell a woman her male partner was cheating, especially if he were gaslighting her.

My goal is to inhibit the multiple ways males abuse women. My husband cheated and gaslit me severely for 2 decades. Finding out the truth was traumatic but important for my liberation.

So for you, finding out the truth was liberating and a good thing but you won't extend this courtesy to others.

FloweryName · 18/08/2023 14:20

Yes you should tell. It’s not your secret carry.

ehupo7 · 18/08/2023 14:23

theleafandnotthetree · 18/08/2023 13:17

Agreed, when my ex husband suspected I had an affair and subsequently confirmed it through hacking my emails, his behaviour was something I would not have thought him capable of. There was certainly moments I know he would have hit me only he is smart enough to know that would have been game over for his narrative of being 100% victim who was going to get 100% custody of our children. It was like something very primal and very dark was released. I know most here would probably say I deserved it but that is besides the point. The behaviour was still appalling, unpredictable and frightening for anyone around him.

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Don’t think anyone would condone violence or frightening behaviour.

That’s the whole point – informing him of the affair wouldn’t justify violence any more than you having the affair would.

Blaming the messenger for a person’s violent reaction is as wrongheaded as blaming the cheater whose actions actually upset them.

ChristmasCrumpet · 18/08/2023 14:25

From reading your updates, you absolutely tell him.

ExH's been moping and whining around this other man, using him as an emotional crutch, looking him in the eye like a victim and lapping up his sympathies, when it's actually down to exH fucking the man's wife!!??!! I've heard some cheeky fuckery in my time, but this?...

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 18/08/2023 14:29

I would absolutely want to know. It would break up my family BUT as soon as it happens, the damage is done. The longer it goes on, the worse it is.
It will come out eventually so telling him now is preventing him from being massively hurt in the long run.

He also gets to make an informed decision about his future. It's unfair for him to trapped in a lie of a marriage.

I would tell XDH and OW that they have, say, this weekend to tell him. If they don't, you will be telling him because he deserves to know, it's wrong that DH is allowing him to comfort him without knowing the truth and you cannot be complicit in this lie and deceit any longer.

They will threaten everything from suicide to destroying your life, the will beg, they will blackmail, they will lie etc. I'd probably record the conversation where you tell them what you're going to do. Then when you do end up telling the DH (and you will...they won't) you have concrete proof that you tried.

Feraldogmum · 18/08/2023 14:29

My god your ex really is human filth. Threatening suicide because he says he wants to be with you ,emotionally controlling you to keep their secret whilst telling OW he loves her and using the poor hubby as a crutch.Lies all around from him.
Why exactly are you keeping the secret? Is the OW wanting to keep her marriage and the affairs over,doesn't sound like it.
Firstly your ex is not this man's friend,friends don't do that. Secondly he isn't going to kill himself he simply thinks he can have his cake and eat it, he wants to keep you ,keep her, keep his mate.You do realise that in keeping this secret, he is trying to make you look heartless to the husband, cruel because you won't forgive a suicidal man?
Don't be complicit in this sewer they've created, either have no contact with the husband or tell him. Don't feel guilty,you are the wronged party and I'll bet the second the secrets out, you'll see just how suicidal this narcissistic man really is. Be prepared to be the bad guy but get your finances and a solicitor sorted first, oh and change the locks.

TeeBee · 18/08/2023 14:32

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 18/08/2023 14:29

I would absolutely want to know. It would break up my family BUT as soon as it happens, the damage is done. The longer it goes on, the worse it is.
It will come out eventually so telling him now is preventing him from being massively hurt in the long run.

He also gets to make an informed decision about his future. It's unfair for him to trapped in a lie of a marriage.

I would tell XDH and OW that they have, say, this weekend to tell him. If they don't, you will be telling him because he deserves to know, it's wrong that DH is allowing him to comfort him without knowing the truth and you cannot be complicit in this lie and deceit any longer.

They will threaten everything from suicide to destroying your life, the will beg, they will blackmail, they will lie etc. I'd probably record the conversation where you tell them what you're going to do. Then when you do end up telling the DH (and you will...they won't) you have concrete proof that you tried.

Or they'll come up with some cock and bull story to cover themselves. I wouldn't give them a heads-up. I'd just tell him. Let him decide what's best for him.

Jellybean23 · 18/08/2023 14:42

Get it all out in the open. The STBEX and OW are having their cake and eat it.

HootyMcBoob · 18/08/2023 14:44

DoomsdayPrep · 18/08/2023 12:42

My priorities are the sexual liberation and safety of women in the reality of patriarchy. My logic makes sense in that context.

I don't want to argue, it's not healthy or productive for me, but just offering the perspective that you might be exposing the OW to violence or other forms of domestic abuse.

It is possible to have concern and compassion for people even if they have done something we disagree with, that hurts us.

Either you're on a wind-up or you're blinded by your sheer overwhelming hatred of men. 🙄

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 18/08/2023 14:45

TeeBee · 18/08/2023 14:32

Or they'll come up with some cock and bull story to cover themselves. I wouldn't give them a heads-up. I'd just tell him. Let him decide what's best for him.

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That's why I would record the conversation where I tell them I'm going to tell him if they don't. They will say something incriminating such as begging OP to not say anything to start with.

DrSbaitso · 18/08/2023 14:46

tooearlyforthis98 · 18/08/2023 13:53

Pity OW didn't think to stay out of OP's marriage. However if you read the OP's it says he isnt like that

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OP isn't married to him and doesn't know how he is or how he'd react. How many abusers are thought to be angels by people who aren't married to them?

OW has nothing to do with OP's marriage. She's in this position because her own husband cheated.

But it seems many MNers think a beating is fair punishment for a loose woman. God, this place.

Runnerinthenight · 18/08/2023 14:46

DoomsdayPrep · 18/08/2023 12:48

I feel like telling the OW's male partner might be me weaponising male violence against a woman to punish her for "taking" someone I believe to be my property. That feels immoral to me.

Bollocks!!

I'd tell. He may find out from someone else and as you already know the couple, he'd be very hurt that you didn't tell him. It's not your responsibility but knowledge is power.

Libelula21 · 18/08/2023 14:46

This by @SliceOfCakeCupOfTea :

I would tell XDH and OW that they have, say, this weekend to tell him. If they don't, you will be telling him because he deserves to know, it's wrong that DH is allowing him to comfort him without knowing the truth and you cannot be complicit in this lie and deceit any longer.

It’s not fair to ask you to carry that secret when your STBExDH is acting that way.

I’m sorry this has happened to you. 💐

Xiaoxiong · 18/08/2023 14:48

I would tell XDH and OW that they have, say, this weekend to tell him. If they don't, you will be telling him because he deserves to know, it's wrong that DH is allowing him to comfort him without knowing the truth and you cannot be complicit in this lie and deceit any longer.

I agree with this from Slice above. The fact that he is DH's friend and is comforting him magnifies his potential humiliation when he does find out (and he will, eventually). He needs to know asap and if he says "why didn't you tell me last week when I came round" I think you can easily say "I gave DH an ultimatum to tell you himself" or "I gave DH an ultimatum to tell you himself and he didn't which is why I'm now telling you".

The longer you keep quiet the worse it gets for him and the more you go from being an innocent victim here to being complicit in his humiliation at the hands of his wife and best friend. So you need to act, and fast, I think.

(My opinion might be different if the man was a total stranger and not connected to you guys as a friend or offering your DH support unknowing that his wife is involved too.)

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 18/08/2023 14:51

DrSbaitso · 18/08/2023 14:46

OP isn't married to him and doesn't know how he is or how he'd react. How many abusers are thought to be angels by people who aren't married to them?

OW has nothing to do with OP's marriage. She's in this position because her own husband cheated.

But it seems many MNers think a beating is fair punishment for a loose woman. God, this place.

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You have absolutely no proof that he is violent. No one deserves a beating for anything. But also, he doesn't deserve to be lied to and betrayed by his wife and his friends.

You have no idea she will be abused as a result of him finding out. You do know that he will be hurt either way.

ehupo7 · 18/08/2023 14:51

DrSbaitso · 18/08/2023 14:46

OP isn't married to him and doesn't know how he is or how he'd react. How many abusers are thought to be angels by people who aren't married to them?

OW has nothing to do with OP's marriage. She's in this position because her own husband cheated.

But it seems many MNers think a beating is fair punishment for a loose woman. God, this place.

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But it seems many MNers think a beating is fair punishment for a loose woman. God, this place.

No one thinks that, you just made it up

OW has nothing to do with OP's marriage. She's in this position because her own husband cheated.

By your logic, you could just as well say of the OP telling the husband

’OP has nothing to do with OW's marriage. OW is in this position because she cheated.’

ehupo7 · 18/08/2023 14:54

ehupo7 · 18/08/2023 14:51

But it seems many MNers think a beating is fair punishment for a loose woman. God, this place.

No one thinks that, you just made it up

OW has nothing to do with OP's marriage. She's in this position because her own husband cheated.

By your logic, you could just as well say of the OP telling the husband

’OP has nothing to do with OW's marriage. OW is in this position because she cheated.’

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Also, this has to be one of the judgiest, grossly sexist posts I’ve seen on this thread:

loose woman, really? 🥴

Mari9999 · 18/08/2023 14:55

@tooearlyforthis98
If you are not married to someone, you cannot know wht it is like to be married to him. No amount of friendship or familiarity can tell you what it is really like to be his wife.

There are probably any number of people who would say that the OP's husband would never cheat.

Runnerinthenight · 18/08/2023 14:56

Reading your update, you can't not tell him. In fact you probably should have told him during that conversation though I appreciate it's a very difficult thing to have to say.

What an absolute bastard your STBX is, first of all cheating on you, secondly cheating with his good friend's wife, and worst of all, using him to comfort him in the aftermath of his affair with his wife!!! Incredible!

Hope you are as ok as you can be. I think when you tell, it will at least be one burden lifted from you. You have been through enough. You shouldn't have to carry their grubby little secret and it's just a bit heartbreaking to think of that poor guy who has been doubly deceived!