theleafandnotthetree · 18/08/2023 13:17

DoomsdayPrep · 18/08/2023 13:05

I told my husband's OW's partner, then I discovered this man had been abusing her for years. I feel very bad about what I did now.

There are a lot of abusive men in the world. You'd be surprised what many of the women you know are really going through, or what men are capable of doing for the first time when they are feeling humiliated. Dominance, ownership, control.

Agreed, when my ex husband suspected I had an affair and subsequently confirmed it through hacking my emails, his behaviour was something I would not have thought him capable of. There was certainly moments I know he would have hit me only he is smart enough to know that would have been game over for his narrative of being 100% victim who was going to get 100% custody of our children. It was like something very primal and very dark was released. I know most here would probably say I deserved it but that is besides the point. The behaviour was still appalling, unpredictable and frightening for anyone around him.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 18/08/2023 13:18

The fact that your ex is your ex, means that it’s likely the DH will eventually find out.

The longer it takes for him to find out, the more humiliated he’s going to feel.

I’d send him a message saying something like - you’re so sorry to have to tell him this but you have separated from ex because he was having an affair with the wife and you thought he should know.

Keep it quite short and then if he chooses to respond you can reply back but it’s possible he may choose not ti believe you or be in shock.

Original poster

Daffodil18 · 18/08/2023 13:20

Just clear up it up ExDH and OW DH are good friends. He is not abusive. Although I’m not sure if he would kill my ExDH which I absolutely do not want. I don’t want revenge as I feel it was my DH pursuing her. But yes I would want to know.

I saw him the other day and he was all sorrows for my DH’s mental well being. I did ask him what he would do if he was in the same situation and he said he would leave. I said I wouldn’t tell him to both of them but after seeing him the guilt I feel is immense.

OP posts:

IncompleteSenten · 18/08/2023 13:23

I'd tell him.
Fuck 'sisterhood'.
He has the right to know.

DeclineandFall · 18/08/2023 13:24

I was going to say don't do it as I know someone who did tell the OW's H and she didnt get a 'positive' reaction and it fucked her up even more. However having read your last post you have to tell him. He's going to find out eventually and you are getting dragged into the deceit.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 18/08/2023 13:25

I wouldn't. He might know. They might have an open relationship. It's not that unusual for a man who feels wronged to turn violent.

None of this would be your fault but I don't think you'll actually gain anything. However I'd tell him if he was a good friend of mine

TeeBee · 18/08/2023 13:25

theleafandnotthetree · 18/08/2023 13:17

Agreed, when my ex husband suspected I had an affair and subsequently confirmed it through hacking my emails, his behaviour was something I would not have thought him capable of. There was certainly moments I know he would have hit me only he is smart enough to know that would have been game over for his narrative of being 100% victim who was going to get 100% custody of our children. It was like something very primal and very dark was released. I know most here would probably say I deserved it but that is besides the point. The behaviour was still appalling, unpredictable and frightening for anyone around him.

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Being cheated on is also appalling, unpredictable and frightening. Violence isn't the only type of poor behaviour. I'm sure he didn't think you capable of being disloyal. Poor behaviour has consequences...for us all. You can't walk around in life thinking that you can get away with poor behaviour scot-free. The man deserves to know.

FanFckingTastic · 18/08/2023 13:26

I would tell the OW that she has 24 hours to tell her husband or you will. That way, you don't have to do anything.

I most definitely would not be feeling 'sisterly' towards her!

DoomsdayPrep · 18/08/2023 13:26

What I found really useful was contacting 2 of the OW myself and having a woman to woman chat. The first resulted in solidarity and friendship - my husband had been lying to and manipulating her. She left him. The other I simply sent a brief text asking her woman to women if it were still going on, so I could make reality based decisions about my own life going forward. She sent me a kind response. Again, he'd been lying to her and me. It can be more useful than setting an angry man on a woman who may not even know the truth.

NortieTortie · 18/08/2023 13:26

I'd tell him.

The few people that snap can snap for any number of reasons. Their behaviour is solely on them and, imo, there's greater emotional and physical risk of harm for him remaining in the dark. Especially as you know him already.

UnderCarraigeWoes · 18/08/2023 13:26

theleafandnitthetree our moral standards are obviously a bit different. No sweat for me. Wouldn't shag someone else's husband or cheat on my husband. Maybe you need to reset your moral compass. Or maybe just don't be a liar and a cheat.

tooearlyforthis98 · 18/08/2023 13:27

Daffodil18 · 18/08/2023 13:20

Just clear up it up ExDH and OW DH are good friends. He is not abusive. Although I’m not sure if he would kill my ExDH which I absolutely do not want. I don’t want revenge as I feel it was my DH pursuing her. But yes I would want to know.

I saw him the other day and he was all sorrows for my DH’s mental well being. I did ask him what he would do if he was in the same situation and he said he would leave. I said I wouldn’t tell him to both of them but after seeing him the guilt I feel is immense.

I would tell him, would think he would want to know

Cnidarian · 18/08/2023 13:31

If you are good enough friends that you meet him and chat one on one then yes, he probably should know.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 18/08/2023 13:32

FanFckingTastic · 18/08/2023 13:26

I would tell the OW that she has 24 hours to tell her husband or you will. That way, you don't have to do anything.

I most definitely would not be feeling 'sisterly' towards her!

Good idea.

I’d also tell your ex that you’re doing that too and so he can take some responsibility too.
It also gives your DH a heads up to stay away from him if he’ll turn violent.

Make sure you screenshot any messages as I’m sure they’ll both delete them and her DH may want proof.

Its a slap in the face for him if he is friends with your DH and was comforting him!

theleafandnotthetree · 18/08/2023 13:32

TeeBee · 18/08/2023 13:25

Being cheated on is also appalling, unpredictable and frightening. Violence isn't the only type of poor behaviour. I'm sure he didn't think you capable of being disloyal. Poor behaviour has consequences...for us all. You can't walk around in life thinking that you can get away with poor behaviour scot-free. The man deserves to know.

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I hope you're not suggesting I would have deserved for him to hit me? Believe me, he punished me in a million different ways to the extent that many people who would have been naturally disposed to take his side would have been quite repulsed by how he acted. It is laughable to think I got away scot free, I'm certainly not relieved or grateful I didn't get beaten also. Being cheated on does not give someone license to do exactly what they feel like to the person who did it to them, it really doesn't.

StaunchMomma · 18/08/2023 13:36

Daffodil18 · 18/08/2023 13:20

Just clear up it up ExDH and OW DH are good friends. He is not abusive. Although I’m not sure if he would kill my ExDH which I absolutely do not want. I don’t want revenge as I feel it was my DH pursuing her. But yes I would want to know.

I saw him the other day and he was all sorrows for my DH’s mental well being. I did ask him what he would do if he was in the same situation and he said he would leave. I said I wouldn’t tell him to both of them but after seeing him the guilt I feel is immense.

I'm sorry but if you've actually looked him in the eyes and had that conversation without telling him you are already hugely complicit.

If you don't reach out now and tell him then when it comes out, and it will come out, he'll know you knew and think of you as badly as them.

It's just an awful, awful thing to do to keep that from someone.

Scienceadvisory · 18/08/2023 13:36

DoomsdayPrep · 18/08/2023 12:42

My priorities are the sexual liberation and safety of women in the reality of patriarchy. My logic makes sense in that context.

I don't want to argue, it's not healthy or productive for me, but just offering the perspective that you might be exposing the OW to violence or other forms of domestic abuse.

It is possible to have concern and compassion for people even if they have done something we disagree with, that hurts us.

It sounds like you've just found another way to blame women for the actions of men. If the cheater's husband does commit DV on finding out about the affair then that is on him, not the OP. Should we cover up all bad actions by women just in case their partners are violent?

The only woman breaking the 'sisterhood' here is the Other Woman but really talk of sisterhood is just another way to control women. So well done on shoring up the patriarchy.

And being a cheat and fucking another woman's husband is not 'sexual liberation'. In fact, it could quite possibly be abuse as it often goes alongside lying, gaslighting and putting the spouse's sexual health at risk.

Fraaahnces · 18/08/2023 13:36

I’d want to know…

RandomForest · 18/08/2023 13:37

Strictly1 · 18/08/2023 12:54

You take a cracking leap assuming all men are violent. In my experience I don’t know any violent men. Not all men are violent and not all women are victims.

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Considering the precarious possition that an affair puts you in, ie women are well aware that their husbands are going to be upset or angry I would say women living with violent men tend to think about their consequenses by not provoking them.

Also have you any idea how many men are abusive and violent when they are indulging in an affair, lying, gaslighting and supressing their partners into submission with aggression is very common.
Being betrayed puts women in just as much danger as a woman who has an affair.

Affairs cause hell and the fall out from that is not restricted to the perpatrators, it also includes the victims.
You are seeing this from purely your own perspective.

Bory · 18/08/2023 13:37

DoomsdayPrep · 18/08/2023 11:28

In the past I would have said yes, and in fact did tell my husband's OW's partner.

But now I have experienced domestic abuse as a result of my husband being told I was having what he considered to be an affair. In fact we are separated, but he is still possessive and controlling. My life is a living hell, I am in multiple forms of danger and the police social services are now involved.

You never know what a woman's male partner is like and what he might do to her. It's unsisterly to put her in danger.

The fact is your relationship was in trouble. It's not the other woman's fault.

These are all hard lessons I have learned. So hard, I no longer believe in monogamy.

I suggest taking really good care of yourself rather than trying to punish OW.

This totally.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 18/08/2023 13:38

BlueMoe · 18/08/2023 11:36

You can only tell once. Don’t use it when you are hot angry.

Use that information to keep the pain on her in the future, so she can never feel comfortable.

A perfect example of why you shouldn't get involved beyond your own marriage/partnership. Such spite and it's never levelled at the twat who causes the pain, not in any meaningful way. Ugh.

Daffodil18 · 2023-08-18T09:55:52+00:00

I’m so conflicted on what to do and it’s weighing heavy on me. I feel like I’m now a part of the affair with the secret and lies. YABU - I should not break up another family YANBU - He has a right to know

OP, you have no idea what this woman's relationship is like and that's not your business. I could not be responsible for possibly being the conduit for violence and that is a real possibility. However much the other woman has caused pain, your husband made that possible.

Your husband has badly let you down and he is losing you and his way of life. Let that be end of it so that you can fling off everything to do with him and live happily again.

AnimalisticBehaviour · 18/08/2023 13:41

I think he deserves to know. It's humiliating being the last to know. I couldn't look him in the eye knowing and not telling him.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 18/08/2023 13:41

DoomsdayPrep · 18/08/2023 12:48

I feel like telling the OW's male partner might be me weaponising male violence against a woman to punish her for "taking" someone I believe to be my property. That feels immoral to me.

It really is. You can't own another person, they either elect to be faithful to you, or they don't. That is 100% on them.

I can understand the hate but actively seeking revenge in this way is disgusting.

Moveoverdarlin · 18/08/2023 13:43

I wouldn’t say anything. I just wouldn’t want to be a part of gossip or to be seen as airing your dirty laundry, if you know them and there are other people that know BOTH couples, even if you tell him in a calm measured way, Chinese whispers will make out you marched round there in a demented, woman scorned way, shouting the odds about his wife shagging your DH.

AnimalisticBehaviour · 18/08/2023 13:44

If he chooses violence that's on him.
She knew how to secretively have an affair, she could work out how to leave if he was violent and if it's a one off violent episode from finding out, then it's victim blaming to suggest it would be the op's choice. Women are not responsible for men's violence, not the OW or the op if he chooses violence that's on him and the law has the correct procedure to deal with this.

Should I tell OW Husband?

A perfect example of why you shouldn't get involved beyond your own marriage/partnership. Such spite and it's never levelled at the twat who causes the pain, not in any meaningful way. Ugh.