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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I tell OW Husband?

256 replies

Daffodil18 · 18/08/2023 10:55

I’m so conflicted on what to do and it’s weighing heavy on me. I feel like I’m now a part of the affair with the secret and lies.

YABU - I should not break up another family
YANBU - He has a right to know

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 20/08/2023 18:33

He’s saying he’s going to kill my DH and obviously I really do not want that.

I doubt he will kill him, but I would be concerned about possible violence. It's a bomb going off in someone's life and you can't predict what the consequences will be.

This is why I'm not generally in favour of telling unless you're really close to the betrayed spouse and will be a proper support to them, have actual proof and really, really do know that they would want to be told and won't have a mental breakdown, beat someone up or whatever.

Wouldyouguess · 20/08/2023 19:39

DoomsdayPrep · 18/08/2023 11:28

In the past I would have said yes, and in fact did tell my husband's OW's partner.

But now I have experienced domestic abuse as a result of my husband being told I was having what he considered to be an affair. In fact we are separated, but he is still possessive and controlling. My life is a living hell, I am in multiple forms of danger and the police social services are now involved.

You never know what a woman's male partner is like and what he might do to her. It's unsisterly to put her in danger.

The fact is your relationship was in trouble. It's not the other woman's fault.

These are all hard lessons I have learned. So hard, I no longer believe in monogamy.

I suggest taking really good care of yourself rather than trying to punish OW.

This is a very interesting point actually, however... If someone is in an abusive relationship, is cheating the only way out? Why do we assume straight away that is the case?

The fact is your relationship was in trouble. It's not the other woman's fault.

Yes and no, OW is part of the trouble if she knew the man is in relationship and pursued it fully knowing. It takes two to tango.
I do believe actions are of consequences, and the fact so many people get away with cheating and we ask the partners that have been cheated on to 'be a better human being' is unpleasant.

cestlavielife · 20/08/2023 20:13

You are not responsible for what this man does
You are not responsible for dh ,is he ex or not

One wants to kill himself by suicide
one wants to commit murder

You are not responsible for either of them
It s a lot of drama over some very base human behaviour, people have affairs, people shag people they not supposed to . If you are the wronged one move on have a better life without them
Everyone has to move on

Look after your dc and stay away from them all

StaunchMomma · 20/08/2023 21:45

Mari9999 · 20/08/2023 12:55

How is the OP's life one iota better because she has "told on" the OW? She has brought confirmed misery into another household, and her own situation was not made one inch better because of her sharing. I suppose that it is true that misery loves company. I never see adding to damage as a way of improving any situation.

Rather than looking backwards and hurting over what is gone or perhaps never was. The OP can look at today as both an ending and a beginning of the next phase of her life. Her life will be what she makes of it rather than what someone else makes of it.

As long as she continues to focus on what her ex did,it takes time and focus away from what she should be doing to take control of her future. It can be both frightening and liberating to realize that rather than blaming him for being himself you have to accept that it is you now who will be in charge of your happiness.

She did the right thing.

You don't let other people get treated like shit.

Mari9999 · 20/08/2023 21:59

Given that you cannot know or predict how someone is going to respond to being told that their spouse is cheating, it should not be a risk calculus that you have a right to make for someone else.

My own feeling would be if my own house and relationship are not being managed well(regardless of who is at fault) there is nothing to suggest that I should be trying to manage or inform someone else's home or relationship.

If my partner were cheating. I might not have much respect for the OW. However. the OW did not make vows or a commitment to me. She would not be cheating me in any .The person who made a commitment to me is cheating and being unfaithful to me. There is where my focus should be.

All to often the impetus to tell is not one motivated by goodness but rather by a desire to hurt or get even. There is little thought given to the possible outcome or consequences of such a disclosure.

The person telling is no better off because of this disclosure , and they have absolutely no way of knowing what the outcome of this disclosure will be.

Better to focus on getting your own life in order rather than playing the avenging angel in someone else's life.

Whyohwhywyoming · 20/08/2023 22:06

No I wouldn’t tell them. Men are too dangerous to women. I would consider him killing or hurting her a risk.

also, he may choose to decide not to believe you, or not act in the way you think he should, which will mean that it will be another source of stress and then you will want to go back and tell him more things until you get some closure from
it, which you won’t.

Whyohwhywyoming · 20/08/2023 22:09

ehupo7 · 18/08/2023 14:23

Don’t think anyone would condone violence or frightening behaviour.

That’s the whole point – informing him of the affair wouldn’t justify violence any more than you having the affair would.

Blaming the messenger for a person’s violent reaction is as wrongheaded as blaming the cheater whose actions actually upset them.

Show quote history

No, but that’s not how you would feel if something happened because you’d told him. If it was me, it would not matter how many people told me it wasn’t my fault. I would have to live with it.

MissingMoominMamma · 20/08/2023 22:19

I would in a completely factual way. Then I’d leave it alone.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 21/08/2023 08:40

How is the OP's life one iota better because she has "told on" the OW?

Well, the guilt she has been feeling for having to conceal a lie is now alleviated.
She posted about how much she was suffering having to look this man in the eyes and keep quiet.
So her life is better for telling him.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 21/08/2023 12:03

Well done OP, you've done the right thing.

He will feel shit while he puts his life back together, but in the long run, he can be truly happy.

He will be feeling so betrayed by both his wife and his best friend, if you hadn't told him then he would also have been betrayed by you when he eventually found out.

Affairs don't stay secret forever.

You now also get to heal. You no longer need to feel guilty about not telling him. You can focus on moving forward now knowing you've done the right thing.

ehupo7 · 21/08/2023 12:42

Mari9999 · 20/08/2023 21:59

Given that you cannot know or predict how someone is going to respond to being told that their spouse is cheating, it should not be a risk calculus that you have a right to make for someone else.

My own feeling would be if my own house and relationship are not being managed well(regardless of who is at fault) there is nothing to suggest that I should be trying to manage or inform someone else's home or relationship.

If my partner were cheating. I might not have much respect for the OW. However. the OW did not make vows or a commitment to me. She would not be cheating me in any .The person who made a commitment to me is cheating and being unfaithful to me. There is where my focus should be.

All to often the impetus to tell is not one motivated by goodness but rather by a desire to hurt or get even. There is little thought given to the possible outcome or consequences of such a disclosure.

The person telling is no better off because of this disclosure , and they have absolutely no way of knowing what the outcome of this disclosure will be.

Better to focus on getting your own life in order rather than playing the avenging angel in someone else's life.

The other husband and OP are in the same friendship circle, they all know each other.

RandomForest · 21/08/2023 12:43

The irony is, op's husband will feel betrayed by op for not keeping his secrets.

Silly man, it's time to grow up and face his consequenses.

His smear campaign will start about now, close your ears op, he's going to lie through his teeth to try to get out of this one.

cestlavielife · 21/08/2023 14:15

Op s dh has leaned on the other guy for support for his mh /suicidal feelings, they all need to know the truth
And move on from the fallout

Xiaoxiong · 21/08/2023 14:22

How is the OP's life one iota better because she has "told on" the OW?

Because by keeping quiet she was then complicit in increasing the embarassment and humiliation of the husband. These people are all friends, not strangers to each other - the fact that the husband was unwittingly offering support to the OP's husband without realising he was himself the one being harmed is what makes it so much more important that she told him, and quickly.

Xiaoxiong · 21/08/2023 14:26

And well done OP for telling him. He is understandably devastated - I doubt he will kill your soon-to-be exH but I am pretty sure their friendship (and his marriage) are over. Look after yourself and hope your divorce from your H is quick and relatively painless - there is a brighter future ahead for you Flowers

Guiltridden12345 · 21/08/2023 14:33

Yep I’d tell him too. I wouldn’t want either of them to get away with it. Probably immature and vindictive but I’m pretty sure i would feel that way. So sorry for you OP, keep going, better things will come.

Taketurn · 21/08/2023 14:40

Well done OP. You did the right thing.

Original poster
Daffodil18 · 21/08/2023 15:20

Thank you for all of the support it really helped me to get clarity on the situation. Yeah I’ve not come out of this smelling of roses. My ExDH thinks I’m vindictive and OW’s DH was not being very nice to me, even though he did say he was glad I told him. The backlash isn’t great but I think everyone deserves honesty and not to be lied to.

OP posts:
PrancersDancer · 21/08/2023 15:29

Screw ‘em, you did the right thing and the only reason everyone is pee’d off with you is because they’re playing the victims and they are lashing out. Move on with your life and don’t give them any more of your time, thoughts or energy, they’re not worth it 💐

tensmum1964 · 21/08/2023 15:34

So having an affair with your best mates wife behind your back is not vindictive...yeah right. He deserves everything he gets. You owe him nothing.

PalaceOfThePanda · 21/08/2023 15:41

You’re being vindictive? Hilarious! Your ex-DH’s problem is his new loss of control. He doesn’t like it. Well, tough.

MsDogLady · 21/08/2023 16:21

@Daffodil18, you absolutely did the right thing. Ex and OW were keeping her H blind to their abuse.

He will eventually soften toward you, the only one who respected him enough to tell him the truth. Right now he is processing the pain of his W’s infidelity and the humiliation of having given his empathy and support to the man who cuckolded him.

Your Ex is a nasty, self-serving piece of work who is outraged that you’ve exposed and shone a light on the slimy rock he and OW have been hiding under.

billy1966 · 21/08/2023 16:30

tensmum1964 · 21/08/2023 15:34

So having an affair with your best mates wife behind your back is not vindictive...yeah right. He deserves everything he gets. You owe him nothing.

This.

Tell anyone giving you guff to go fxxk themselves.

You poor woman.

Take zero guff from the OW's husband.

You are not their punching bag.

Any further whisper of suicide, tell that sack of shit you were married to, that you are calling the police.

Twat.

Mind yourself and be sure to take all the support you can.

Yeahno · 21/08/2023 18:03

Wait, the man fucking his friend's wife and expects his wife to keep his dirty secret thinks you are vindictive? For not covering up his affair? The nerve of this man. Did you not laugh in his face? I would be telling all of them where to go.

Mari9999 · 21/08/2023 18:11

@Yeahno
There is a huge difference between covering something up and not becoming further involved. The OP does not owe her ex or the OW anything, but her own sense of personal dignity and awareness that she is not the avenging angel should prevent her from doing anything but focusing on getting her own life in order.