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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should I tell OW Husband?

256 replies

Daffodil18 · 18/08/2023 10:55

I’m so conflicted on what to do and it’s weighing heavy on me. I feel like I’m now a part of the affair with the secret and lies.

YABU - I should not break up another family
YANBU - He has a right to know

OP posts:
DoomsdayPrep · 18/08/2023 12:51

I'm kind of shocked by the responses to my ideas.

I care more about women's safety from male vengeance than I care about my desire to keep my own partner loyal.

The comment about prolonging her pain - that's very sad to me.

tooearlyforthis98 · 18/08/2023 12:52

WandaWonder · 18/08/2023 12:47

So you want to unburden yourself to make yourself feel better?

If so, why shouldn't she? The op owes neither party anything

TeeBee · 18/08/2023 12:54

DoomsdayPrep · 18/08/2023 12:51

I'm kind of shocked by the responses to my ideas.

I care more about women's safety from male vengeance than I care about my desire to keep my own partner loyal.

The comment about prolonging her pain - that's very sad to me.

You know nothing whatsoever about this man! You are projecting behaviour onto him from your own head.
What we do know is that this woman has shagged the OP's husband. That's a known. Her partner has a right to know.

Strictly1 · 18/08/2023 12:54

DoomsdayPrep · 18/08/2023 12:48

I feel like telling the OW's male partner might be me weaponising male violence against a woman to punish her for "taking" someone I believe to be my property. That feels immoral to me.

You take a cracking leap assuming all men are violent. In my experience I don’t know any violent men. Not all men are violent and not all women are victims.

ehupo7 · 18/08/2023 12:57

DoomsdayPrep · 18/08/2023 12:51

I'm kind of shocked by the responses to my ideas.

I care more about women's safety from male vengeance than I care about my desire to keep my own partner loyal.

The comment about prolonging her pain - that's very sad to me.

You’re making the OP responsible for your own situation and your own husband’s actions – her situation is not related to yours and if your affair partner’s spouse told your husband of the affair, that was also their prerogative.

Your (ex)husband’s actions are because he is violent and abusive, the rest of the world can’t start turning in a different direction to avoid triggering him.

If you cheat on someone your partner may find out, it’s as simple as that.

Blackberriesbob · 18/08/2023 12:58

Why do you even have to think about it? Of course you should tell him. He deserves to know the truth and then after that, their relationship isn't your problem.

rwalker · 18/08/2023 12:58

I wouldn’t tell him he’d lose his kids and his home leave him in ignorant bliss

Livinghappy · 18/08/2023 13:01

Ex had an affair with a "friends" wife. I wish I had been told earlier. Its awful tk think others knew and didn't tell you, it's almost adds to the betrayal as you can't understand why you were not told.

Ponoka7 · 18/08/2023 13:02

It would depend on if it put her in danger of DV. Or any children. Look how many men have killed their children to get back at a cheating, or about to leave them, spouse. When I was younger, I'd want revenge, so would tell her that I was going to tell him. Now, I'd just cut my losses, but that's easier when you don't have dependents etc.

TeeBee · 18/08/2023 13:02

rwalker · 18/08/2023 12:58

I wouldn’t tell him he’d lose his kids and his home leave him in ignorant bliss

Why would he?
I'd sooner live with an uncomfortable truth than a pretty lie. I think the majority of people would.

Cakecakecheese · 18/08/2023 13:03

HateTheView · 18/08/2023 12:38

If it was the other way round, would you want him to tell you?

This. How did you find out? Would you have wanted to stay in the dark about it?

DoomsdayPrep · 18/08/2023 13:05

I told my husband's OW's partner, then I discovered this man had been abusing her for years. I feel very bad about what I did now.

There are a lot of abusive men in the world. You'd be surprised what many of the women you know are really going through, or what men are capable of doing for the first time when they are feeling humiliated. Dominance, ownership, control.

itsmyp4rty · 18/08/2023 13:09

DoomsdayPrep · 18/08/2023 13:05

I told my husband's OW's partner, then I discovered this man had been abusing her for years. I feel very bad about what I did now.

There are a lot of abusive men in the world. You'd be surprised what many of the women you know are really going through, or what men are capable of doing for the first time when they are feeling humiliated. Dominance, ownership, control.

You're projecting massively. Tell him OP, he has as much of a right to know as you.

OutsideLookingOut · 18/08/2023 13:09

DoomsdayPrep · 18/08/2023 12:51

I'm kind of shocked by the responses to my ideas.

I care more about women's safety from male vengeance than I care about my desire to keep my own partner loyal.

The comment about prolonging her pain - that's very sad to me.

You forget that there is another angle of damage from cheating - passing on STDs to unsuspecting partners. If you believe you are in a monogamous relationship then you could be putting your health at risk hence why it is worth letting the partner know.

ehupo7 · 18/08/2023 13:09

itsmyp4rty · 18/08/2023 13:09

You're projecting massively. Tell him OP, he has as much of a right to know as you.

Show quote history

Yup!

theleafandnotthetree · 18/08/2023 13:10

UnderCarraigeWoes · 18/08/2023 12:48

I'd do it for revenge too though because I hate cunts who go around with zero morals.

With your talk of taking revenge and hatred and use of such vicious language, you don't sound so moral yourself to be honest.

ehupo7 · 18/08/2023 13:10

You just know that DoomsdayPrep is going to be posting about half of the responses here and sticking around until the bitter end of the thread

Ladyoftheknight · 18/08/2023 13:12

Tell him with proof and then get out of the situation. If he reacts with anger/violence/revenge you don't want to be a part of it, but he deserves to know.

Ejismyf · 18/08/2023 13:12

I'd one million percent want to know in his shoes and in your shoes I don't see why your family should be torn apart whilst she gets off with it unscathed. Her actions have repercussions she should of thought of.

SomethingSmellsOffHere · 18/08/2023 13:12

There isn't anything to think about IMO, he deserves to know.

Why should you keep secrets for your exDH and the OW. The man deserves to know so he can decide what to do for himself.

No revenge, no drama. Just the facts given to him so he can know.

TinkerbellefromYorkshire · 18/08/2023 13:12

Is there a list of abbreviations?
It's driving me mad having to Google and then they're not all on. What on earth is OW?

Fourlegsandatail · 18/08/2023 13:12

I would tell him 100%, being truthful is the the right thing to do

ehupo7 · 18/08/2023 13:13

TinkerbellefromYorkshire · 18/08/2023 13:12

Is there a list of abbreviations?
It's driving me mad having to Google and then they're not all on. What on earth is OW?

other woman

nillionaire · 18/08/2023 13:13

Yeah, someone needs to be truthful.

Switcher · 18/08/2023 13:15

Is he good looking?

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