Page 2 | Should I tell OW Husband?

Daffodil18 · 2023-08-18T09:55:52+00:00

I’m so conflicted on what to do and it’s weighing heavy on me. I feel like I’m now a part of the affair with the secret and lies. YABU - I should not break up another family YANBU - He has a right to know

tooearlyforthis98 · 18/08/2023 12:34

DoomsdayPrep · 18/08/2023 11:28

In the past I would have said yes, and in fact did tell my husband's OW's partner.

But now I have experienced domestic abuse as a result of my husband being told I was having what he considered to be an affair. In fact we are separated, but he is still possessive and controlling. My life is a living hell, I am in multiple forms of danger and the police social services are now involved.

You never know what a woman's male partner is like and what he might do to her. It's unsisterly to put her in danger.

The fact is your relationship was in trouble. It's not the other woman's fault.

These are all hard lessons I have learned. So hard, I no longer believe in monogamy.

I suggest taking really good care of yourself rather than trying to punish OW.

So let's get this clear, it's fine the other woman slept with the OP's husband, she owes the OP nothing but the OP apparently owes the OW not to her husband what's been going on?!? I'm sorry but that's not even logical

Usernamen · 18/08/2023 12:36

Definitely stay out of it.

DoomsdayPrep · 18/08/2023 12:36

Yes, what I've said is controversial and in the past I would have agreed with "fuck that."

But no one owns anyone. I don't need a third party's consent to love or fuck someone. Neither does my husband's lover.

Lying, gaslighting, fucking with a woman's financial security, and exposing her to male violence are unsisterly. Fucking her lover - nah. That's between her and the lover. All agreements are subject to change.

HateTheView · 18/08/2023 12:38

If it was the other way round, would you want him to tell you?

tooearlyforthis98 · 18/08/2023 12:40

DoomsdayPrep · 18/08/2023 12:36

Yes, what I've said is controversial and in the past I would have agreed with "fuck that."

But no one owns anyone. I don't need a third party's consent to love or fuck someone. Neither does my husband's lover.

Lying, gaslighting, fucking with a woman's financial security, and exposing her to male violence are unsisterly. Fucking her lover - nah. That's between her and the lover. All agreements are subject to change.

That's a ridiculous view, the OW husband being told of the affair is a natural follow on from having an affair and no other woman is responsible for that.

TeeBee · 18/08/2023 12:41

DoomsdayPrep · 18/08/2023 12:36

Yes, what I've said is controversial and in the past I would have agreed with "fuck that."

But no one owns anyone. I don't need a third party's consent to love or fuck someone. Neither does my husband's lover.

Lying, gaslighting, fucking with a woman's financial security, and exposing her to male violence are unsisterly. Fucking her lover - nah. That's between her and the lover. All agreements are subject to change.

Nah, that 'sister' fucked with her own security when she behaved the way she did. That's not the OP's responsibility or concern. These people are married, they have promised to not fuck anyone else, its in the marriage vows. If one person breaks that promise, I'd want to know so I can base the rest of my life decisions around that.

ehupo7 · 18/08/2023 12:42

TeeBee · 18/08/2023 12:00

'Unsisterly'?? To someone who has had an affair with her husband??? Are you joking??? Fuck that!

Show quote history

And fuck that in general to be honest. It’s a bullshit concept.

TheGoodBanana · 18/08/2023 12:42

I would tell him in a heartbeat.

Lenald2512 · 18/08/2023 12:42

YOU didn’t break up her family. SHE did when she made the choice of having sex with another man.

Yes - you should tell him.

DoomsdayPrep · 18/08/2023 12:42

My priorities are the sexual liberation and safety of women in the reality of patriarchy. My logic makes sense in that context.

I don't want to argue, it's not healthy or productive for me, but just offering the perspective that you might be exposing the OW to violence or other forms of domestic abuse.

It is possible to have concern and compassion for people even if they have done something we disagree with, that hurts us.

ehupo7 · 18/08/2023 12:44

DoomsdayPrep · 18/08/2023 12:42

My priorities are the sexual liberation and safety of women in the reality of patriarchy. My logic makes sense in that context.

I don't want to argue, it's not healthy or productive for me, but just offering the perspective that you might be exposing the OW to violence or other forms of domestic abuse.

It is possible to have concern and compassion for people even if they have done something we disagree with, that hurts us.

Is there a way I can mute you?

LlynTegid · 18/08/2023 12:44

If by saying you will speak if the affair does not end, then that would be a reasonable first step. You must be 100% prepared to say something if that does not happen.

Zola1 · 18/08/2023 12:44

BlueMoe · 18/08/2023 11:36

You can only tell once. Don’t use it when you are hot angry.

Use that information to keep the pain on her in the future, so she can never feel comfortable.

Wow this is fucked

ehupo7 · 18/08/2023 12:45

Zola1 · 18/08/2023 12:44

Wow this is fucked

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Isn’t it! Why prolong the involvement or keep them in your headspace.

Lenald2512 · 18/08/2023 12:45

DoomsdayPrep · 18/08/2023 12:42

My priorities are the sexual liberation and safety of women in the reality of patriarchy. My logic makes sense in that context.

I don't want to argue, it's not healthy or productive for me, but just offering the perspective that you might be exposing the OW to violence or other forms of domestic abuse.

It is possible to have concern and compassion for people even if they have done something we disagree with, that hurts us.

It’s a bit of a reach that’s she’s experiencing DV tbh.

If she was and there was a bad reaction from her DH that would still not be OPs fault.

It would be the fault of OPs DH and the OW. OW made her bed now she gets to lay in it.

crimsonlake · 18/08/2023 12:46

I have been in this situation and my initially gut instinct was to tell the ow husband. At the end of the day I decided against it as I did not want to be the one responsible for breaking up a family. Yes, realistically I know the ow was responsible for this herself but I wanted no part of it. I chose to concentrate on myself and my children

UnderCarraigeWoes · 18/08/2023 12:46

It's unsisterly to shag someone's husband. Yes tell him, poor sod, you may feel worse now you know but at least you can make decisions knowing the truth. Give him that choice too.

WandaWonder · 18/08/2023 12:47

So you want to unburden yourself to make yourself feel better?

UnderCarraigeWoes · 18/08/2023 12:48

I'd do it for revenge too though because I hate cunts who go around with zero morals.

frazzledasarock · 18/08/2023 12:48

I’d tell. I’d make sure I had concrete proof to show the betrayed party and not hesitate in telling them.

DoomsdayPrep · 18/08/2023 12:48

I feel like telling the OW's male partner might be me weaponising male violence against a woman to punish her for "taking" someone I believe to be my property. That feels immoral to me.

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 18/08/2023 12:48

I’d be furious if my partner was cheating and people knew and simply decided I didn’t warrant telling! Of course you should tell him. Then he knows the reality of situation instead of being lied to.

PalaceOfThePanda · 18/08/2023 12:49

I had a conversation with the OW’s husband, purely because I wanted to know if he knew information I didn’t. It turned out he knew a lot less than I did so he was grateful. So yes, I would.

Plus, why protect either of the guilty party? They don’t deserve it.

TeeBee · 18/08/2023 12:49

DoomsdayPrep · 18/08/2023 12:42

My priorities are the sexual liberation and safety of women in the reality of patriarchy. My logic makes sense in that context.

I don't want to argue, it's not healthy or productive for me, but just offering the perspective that you might be exposing the OW to violence or other forms of domestic abuse.

It is possible to have concern and compassion for people even if they have done something we disagree with, that hurts us.

You're just talking shite love.

andthat · 18/08/2023 12:50

DoomsdayPrep · 18/08/2023 11:28

In the past I would have said yes, and in fact did tell my husband's OW's partner.

But now I have experienced domestic abuse as a result of my husband being told I was having what he considered to be an affair. In fact we are separated, but he is still possessive and controlling. My life is a living hell, I am in multiple forms of danger and the police social services are now involved.

You never know what a woman's male partner is like and what he might do to her. It's unsisterly to put her in danger.

The fact is your relationship was in trouble. It's not the other woman's fault.

These are all hard lessons I have learned. So hard, I no longer believe in monogamy.

I suggest taking really good care of yourself rather than trying to punish OW.

This is a very good post.

I’m sorry OP for what you are experiencing.

I do disagree that it is ‘unsisterly’ to tell…. I think the OW had no thoughts of any sisterhood when she entered into an affair with a married man.

But think your post makes good points to consider.