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AIBU?

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Original poster

Who's in charge of arranging the funeral - siblings or adult children?

249 replies

RH13 · 16/08/2023 15:04

Earlier this year a relative died of a sudden and short illness at 56. He was divorced with two adult children with whom he had a normal loving parent-child relationship.

He had 4 siblings, and they decided from the outset and without any debate that they were to be in charge of all the funeral planning, undertakers, wake, obituary, etc.

His siblings would not let his children have any role in deciding the funeral service, music, readings, photos, logistics, etc.

They also arranged the funeral on the wedding anniversary of one of his children. I don't think this was deliberate but it goes to show how little consultation they gave the children.

They have also had his locks changed and said the children can't access his house without their permission. And they have informed his neighbours, who have new spare keys, not to let the children in if they ask. I don't know if it's relevant or not, but no will has been found.

Is it normal for siblings to take precedence over adult children in these matters? (If so, then I guess it's YABU for this). I am fortunate not to have had to deal with this yet so my knowledge is lacking here. Wouldn't the children be next of kin in his case?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
12
HollyGolightly4 · 16/08/2023 15:04

Surely the children are next of kin

Debini · 16/08/2023 15:05

Yes the children are next of kin, have there been issues within the family previously?

LyingontheGrassonSundaymorningofLastWeek · 16/08/2023 15:05

Surely the children.

Hufflepods · 16/08/2023 15:05

Is it normal for siblings to take precedence over adult children in these matters?

No not in my experience, at all.

Darthwazette · 16/08/2023 15:06

Children are next of kin. The siblings need to butt out

Poppyblush · 16/08/2023 15:06

Did he have a will and who are executors? I suspect kids would be next of kin in absence of a wife I’d be checking this swiftly in case anyone is disposing of assets.

FourTeaFallOut · 16/08/2023 15:06

How old are the children?

willingtolearn · 16/08/2023 15:07

Who is the executor of the Will? They will be responsible for certain things, but it is very unusual to act in this way with Adult children.

Are the siblings male and the adult children female? Is there any particular cultural expectations that are being played out here?

FourTeaFallOut · 16/08/2023 15:07

Wait,the wedding anniversary makes it a solid get that the answer is full Brown adults.

CaptainMyCaptain · 16/08/2023 15:08

FourTeaFallOut · 16/08/2023 15:06

How old are the children?

One of them is clearly old enough to have a wedding anniversary.

x2boys · 16/08/2023 15:08

This is anecdotal but my dh,estranged dad died a few weeks ago and even though they haven't seen each other in 18 years my dh,wss his NOk,and its been up to him to sort his house out etc .

ChubbyMorticia · 16/08/2023 15:08

The siblings have no legal standing for any of this, from what I know. They’re not next of kin, regardless of a lack of will, the children are.

The adult children need a lawyer ASAP and access to the house.

FourTeaFallOut · 16/08/2023 15:08

Solid bet, full grown adults.

Having a nightmare with autocorrect here.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 16/08/2023 15:08

FourTeaFallOut · 16/08/2023 15:07

Wait,the wedding anniversary makes it a solid get that the answer is full Brown adults.

As stated in thread title and again in the first line of the OP. Hmm

Children should have stood firm. Siblings had no standing in this at all.

Switcher · 16/08/2023 15:09

Lawyer up for sure. Bizarre behaviour.

Clefable · 16/08/2023 15:10

Cheeky fuckers. At first I thought maybe they were just trying to be helpful but going about it the wrong way, but the keys thing shows they have malicious intent. AFAIK they have no right to be making decisions like that. Get legal advice asap.

x2boys · 16/08/2023 15:10

RH13 · 16/08/2023 15:04

Earlier this year a relative died of a sudden and short illness at 56. He was divorced with two adult children with whom he had a normal loving parent-child relationship.

He had 4 siblings, and they decided from the outset and without any debate that they were to be in charge of all the funeral planning, undertakers, wake, obituary, etc.

His siblings would not let his children have any role in deciding the funeral service, music, readings, photos, logistics, etc.

They also arranged the funeral on the wedding anniversary of one of his children. I don't think this was deliberate but it goes to show how little consultation they gave the children.

They have also had his locks changed and said the children can't access his house without their permission. And they have informed his neighbours, who have new spare keys, not to let the children in if they ask. I don't know if it's relevant or not, but no will has been found.

Is it normal for siblings to take precedence over adult children in these matters? (If so, then I guess it's YABU for this). I am fortunate not to have had to deal with this yet so my knowledge is lacking here. Wouldn't the children be next of kin in his case?

Did he own his house and did he leave a will?
If he's died intestate, than if he doesn't have a spouse the children will.inherit the house .

Ifeelsuchflutterings · 16/08/2023 15:10

If this is England or Wales and there is no will the children automatically inherit

I would suggest they get legal advice and get possession of the house back

If the siblings or neighbours try to physically stop them entering the house that they now legally inherit I would suggest calling the police (only for a physical altercation)

It sounds like the siblings are trying to steal the inheritance out from under the children. Why on earth are the adult children being so passive in all of this.

FourTeaFallOut · 16/08/2023 15:11

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 16/08/2023 15:08

As stated in thread title and again in the first line of the OP. Hmm

Children should have stood firm. Siblings had no standing in this at all.

Show quote history

Yes, you can be an adult at 18 or 20, and the parent may have asked his siblings in advance to carry the burden of the huge amount of admin involved when somebody dies.

TeaKitten · 16/08/2023 15:11

willingtolearn · 16/08/2023 15:07

Who is the executor of the Will? They will be responsible for certain things, but it is very unusual to act in this way with Adult children.

Are the siblings male and the adult children female? Is there any particular cultural expectations that are being played out here?

It says in the OP that no will has been found.

CantThinkOfANameAtAll · 16/08/2023 15:12

Adult children would be in charge as they are next of kin.

In my case DM died, her adult children arranged it and told DM siblings where and when. They had zero involvement.

RiverLen · 16/08/2023 15:13

children.

I should also get a copy of the will to see who is the executor. It seems the siblings have taken this role, but they may not be legally allowed.

Clefable · 16/08/2023 15:13

I think it's bonkers it's got so far!

buckeejit · 16/08/2023 15:13

That's mental. The children need to access the house & firmly tell the siblings to butt out & that they'll get in touch with them if they need to.

This smacks of grabby behaviour from the siblings. No authority to anything of the deceased's estate unless there's a will. Speaking to the neighbours is so rude. Even if one of the children is in some way vulnerable or not to be trusted, they cannot behave like this!

Elsiebear90 · 16/08/2023 15:13

It sounds like their motivations for taking control may be financial if there is no will and they’re refusing access to the house. The children will be next of kin so siblings have no legal rights, they need to get legal advice.

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