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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex wants to send son to private school away from me

201 replies

Rosiekate1 · 16/08/2023 09:26

My DS is 2 and a half. I'm divorced from his dad. DS lives with me majority of the time (with dad for 2 nights). The two homes are 1hr away from each other.

His dad wants to send him to a private school when he turns 3 (the ‘pre prep’) for 2 morning sessions a week. He already takes DS to a stay and play session there weekly for an hour and a half.

I know it will be my Ex's father whole will pay for the fees, as Ex only just scrapes by (Ex's father pays towards his mortgage and living costs, as revealed in Form E of divorce. Ex H also kept marital home as father owned half of it)

Ex wants DS to live with him most of the time and go to school there. The private school is a 5-10 min drive from his house. An hour from mine.

I can't afford private school. I can't afford a house at the moment (DS and I living with my parents since he was 6 months old) I am saving like crazy to buy. Divorce resulted in Ex keeping marital home due father owning half.

I would prefer my son to go to one of the local state schools to our house (all very good).

I think Court is likely the only way to resolve the schooling issue, as Ex is unlikely to agree to a school near me.

So my question is AIBU to want to send my son to a local state school over a private school? My mum guilt screams ‘yes’, how could I deny my son that opportunity?

I don’t want to live ‘miles away’ from my son’s school and the ‘life’ he will develop there, so I would move back to Ex’s area (if I can afford it after possible court fees) But then I am away from my family, current mum friends and life I have developed here. I get extremely home sick hence for the break down of the marriage. I am emotional I know this, and I am currently having counselling to resolve anxiety.

I know my Ex would also not want to live ‘miles’ away from his son’s school and life, hence the jostle about the schools.

What would you do? Choose the private school and move back? Or dig your heals in, go to court for the local state school?

My sons is obviously too young to express is his opinion yet otherwise I’d just ask him!

Thanks.

OP posts:

rockpoolingtogether · 16/08/2023 09:31

I would take the offer. Any chance you can move a bit closer? This might be a good way to negotiate weekends and holidays.

rockpoolingtogether · 16/08/2023 09:32

Sorry, you've said you would move back.

Use this as negotiation to say you won't contest if you can get some extra help financially to move back to the area.

LittleBearPad · 16/08/2023 09:33

Is there a compromise school in the middle - 30 mins from you both.

Thats a pretty standard commute for preps

BubziOwl · 16/08/2023 09:35

rockpoolingtogether · 16/08/2023 09:32

Sorry, you've said you would move back.

Use this as negotiation to say you won't contest if you can get some extra help financially to move back to the area.

I'd probably try my luck with this too tbh

Original poster

Rosiekate1 · 16/08/2023 09:36

He is highly unlikely to give me any more financial help. He gave £23k in the divorce and made me feel guilty and awful about it as he had to ask his family for the money (he had no savings to his name... it was part of the equity of the house)

I feel I'm in a lose lose situation. If I move back, I'm away from my 'support', but 50/50 custody is likely. If I don't move back, court is likely to choose the private school, and then he'll get custody during the week as he lives closer.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rosiekate1 · 16/08/2023 09:37

No private school in the middle unfortunately

OP posts:

Videogame0 · 16/08/2023 09:37

Is there a private school near you? Or in the middle? Could you tell your ex that it’s that one or nothing?

I wouldn’t want this. To be forced to move away from my support groups etc. I also don’t think private schools are the be-all-and-end-all. And I think a local school and local friends is a huge benefit that shouldn’t be overlooked.

What happens if your father in law can no longer afford to pay for it?

WhisperingHi · 16/08/2023 09:38

Quite honestly, without any resentment or bitterness, I can say I would never want my children to go to private school. It's just not an environment I would want for my child. I don't think that kind of segregation is and exclusivity is healthy for children. But that's only my view. So for me, YANBU at all.

Videogame0 · 16/08/2023 09:38

Rosiekate1 · 16/08/2023 09:37

No private school in the middle unfortunately

Sorry crossed post. What about in your neighbourhood? Is there one there?

But I don’t think the court would choose private school necessarily. Your son living in an area with wider family and family friends and a happy local community is more important than a private school, in my opinion.

WhisperingHi · 16/08/2023 09:40

It also sounds like they're offering it to enforce the child to stay with dad more than you. What impact would it have, you only see him at weekends?

No way.

Cismyfatarse · 16/08/2023 09:42

I think you can work (as you are) to establish ties to your community. That way your son has a happy life and the cost of the school doesn't matter. No judge is going to choose based on £££ from a grandparent. They want what is best for the child which is a stable home and a chance to see both parents.

Does your son go to playgroup / pre school where you are?

Witsend101 · 16/08/2023 09:42

Why does a 3 year old need to go to a private school? Completely baffled as to what the benefit would be

Userhay · 16/08/2023 09:43

My suggestion is going to see a family mediator. You want to avoid going to court at all costs if you can. You would need to have at least one mediation session before court anyway.

The issue isn’t really private vs state, it’s where will your son be based for his schooling - mum or dad. If you are the primary carer, unless there are issues you haven’t disclosed here, a court is unlikely to switch primary care to your ex based on private school. That’s really not something the court will have an opinion on (would be different if your child was older and already in school.)

3pm · 16/08/2023 09:43

Why do you assume the court would choose the private school? Honestly OP, some private schools are amazing, but some are really not. I think, in the early years, it makes very little difference (I say that as someone whose kids were in preps from age 4). All they need at that age is a happy place with friends.,

Also, what do you know about this FIL? Are you sure he'll be able to commit to paying fees for the next 12 years (which will increase hugely by secondary level)? What if you ex has more kids during this period? Or what if you do? Would you be happy with kids in different schools?

Userhay · 16/08/2023 09:45

I was also going to say what @3pm said. Private fees from 3-18 are a huge commitment. Massive.

KitchenSinkLlama · 16/08/2023 09:48

Rosiekate1 · 16/08/2023 09:36

Why do you think court will chose private school? I can't see any reason for that. He is a toddler going to a play session, he isn't a teenager who is established in a school.

They are not going to remove a young child from his primary carer unless there are significant issues (this isn't one).

RaidFlySpray · 16/08/2023 09:48

WhisperingHi · 16/08/2023 09:38

This. I'm sure private schools have some benefits for some children, but it's not for everyone- I certainly wouldn't feel guilty for wanting to send your DC to state school. Socialising with people from different socio-economic backgrounds is a priority for me personally, although I respect that other parents have different priorities.

hellsbells99 · 16/08/2023 09:50

Just look at your local provision - pre-school and primary, and select which ones you like. Then put your DC on the waiting list for pre-school. Private school is not necessary as long as you are happy with your local choices.

Morewineplease10 · 16/08/2023 09:51

My kids go to local/state school and are flying. I don't see he'd have better opportunities, just different ones.

I'd stay put and say u may be open to it further down the line.

Some friends and family I know who've been to fee paying schools have had negative experiences.

JaukiVexnoydi · 16/08/2023 09:52

I think try to negotiate a compromise - "state till 8" is a well known policy among many families who use private education for the later years. For early years there are huge benefits to being at a school close to home, as short a regular journey time as possible and having near neighbours among your classmates. Plenty of time reading (or pre-reading looking-at-books) at home every day after school is vital, and there's much less time and energy for that after a long commute. Try to use mediation rather than court if possible, and both of you talk honestly about what is actually in your child's best interests. It is very unlikely that it will be in your child's best interests to go to this school at 4 but at some point in the future it might become a better choice than your local options.

dappledsky · 16/08/2023 09:53

" If I don't move back, court is likely to choose the private school, and then he'll get custody during the week as he lives closer."

Private schools require a signature from both parents before enrolment so he can't do it without your agreement. As you are currently his main carer I would think it is unlikely court will agree to your ex's request for the private school 1 hour away over your request for your local school.

I would say having local family and friends support is more important that school type.

IthinkIamAnAlien · 16/08/2023 09:53

If I were you, OP, I would see this as an attempt to wrest your son away from you, it's not about private school, it's about control. I don't think a court would choose on the basis of private vs state, as others have said, the choice would be the child's welfare and happiness in a settled home. Your ex sounds toxic to me, a court would see his financial situation as a sign of his inability to be a stable father providing a stable home.

Get all the advice you can from every direction, Women's Aid, free legal care, social services, welfare. Don't give in, he's getting at you and your son will suffer. One of my children briefly went to a private school pre-school, it was awful, pushy, horrible parents, you were no one if you didn't have a fancy car and house and that was in the 1990s!

GloomySkies · 16/08/2023 09:54

I think a good question to ask is why does your child live with you the vast majority of the time and not his dad.

Wenfy · 16/08/2023 09:56

Take it to court.

Userhay · 16/08/2023 09:59

@Wenfy have you been through the family court system? It’s not an easy solution. It takes a very long time and is emotionally and financially costly. It’s really the very last resort. The family court does not like deciding where children should live - it’s really only for extreme cases that it’s necessary.

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