Ex wants to send son to private school away from me

[Rosiekate1]

My DS is 2 and a half. I'm divorced from his dad. DS lives with me majority of the time (with dad for 2 nights). The two homes are 1hr away from each other.

His dad wants to send him to a private school when he turns 3 (the ‘pre prep’) for 2 morning sessions a week. He already takes DS to a stay and play session there weekly for an hour and a half.

I know it will be my Ex's father whole will pay for the fees, as Ex only just scrapes by (Ex's father pays towards his mortgage and living costs, as revealed in Form E of divorce. Ex H also kept marital home as father owned half of it)

Ex wants DS to live with him most of the time and go to school there. The private school is a 5-10 min drive from his house. An hour from mine.

I can't afford private school. I can't afford a house at the moment (DS and I living with my parents since he was 6 months old) I am saving like crazy to buy. Divorce resulted in Ex keeping marital home due father owning half.

I would prefer my son to go to one of the local state schools to our house (all very good).

I think Court is likely the only way to resolve the schooling issue, as Ex is unlikely to agree to a school near me.

So my question is AIBU to want to send my son to a local state school over a private school? My mum guilt screams ‘yes’, how could I deny my son that opportunity?

I don’t want to live ‘miles away’ from my son’s school and the ‘life’ he will develop there, so I would move back to Ex’s area (if I can afford it after possible court fees) But then I am away from my family, current mum friends and life I have developed here. I get extremely home sick hence for the break down of the marriage. I am emotional I know this, and I am currently having counselling to resolve anxiety.

I know my Ex would also not want to live ‘miles’ away from his son’s school and life, hence the jostle about the schools.

What would you do? Choose the private school and move back? Or dig your heals in, go to court for the local state school?

My sons is obviously too young to express is his opinion yet otherwise I’d just ask him!

Thanks.

No, for three reasons.

Firstly, you are the primary carer for your son. It's not in your son's best interests to be taken from his primary carer at such a young age without a bloody good reason. Going to a fee paying school is not a good reason.

Secondly, relying on your Ex FIL to pay the fees is very risky. It puts you over a barrel in terms of your child. Don't want to play ball? I'll stop paying. Don't like what I'm saying to your child? Keep quiet or I'll stop paying.

Even if he is a decent bloke who wouldn't do this, there's nothing to say that circumstances won't change in the future and he can't or won't pay the fees anymore. There was a thread on here in the last week from a poster who was having to pull her kids out because fees are going up so fast every year that she can no longer afford it.

Thirdly, what's to say that the school is any good. The fact it's fee paying is irrelevant. And even if it was an amazing school, at such a young age it's not going to make a life changing difference - certainly not that justifies taking your son away from his mum, his surrounding family and friends and his home.

So I would say no, I'm not giving permission. If he feels strongly enough then let him take it to court. I can't see a court ruling in favour as it's not a compelling case.

What is your ex proposing to happen with your DS when he isn't at school?
Living with him?
Doing his evening meals and night care?
Will he do the school run?
What about school holidays?

Has he really thought it all through?

The court will not base it's decision upon the private school.

The court is not necessarily going to choose the private school at all. One of my kids went to one for a bit and they're honestly not all they're cracked up to be, certainly you are not depriving your child by not going along with this. I would send him to a local state school as he mostly lives with you thats the easiest thing anyway.

OP please try not to worry about it. Send your ex an email or text (do it in writing) that says that you don't think it's in your DS best interests to attend this school and therefore you do not give permission.

If he complains, tell him you are not going to discuss it any further.

You're the primary carer and I don't think it would be good for him to live an hour from you. He might miss your parents too. It would be easier for your dh to move than you as you live with parents. Your dh could afford to move closer if he wants as he has so much financial help from his father and the house.
I'd try and use your local schools near where your ds lives most of the time.

^^This.
It's about control. He's trying to get at you and is playing mind games.

The schooling is a side show which, if it were to go to court, would be much less important than your son's overall welfare. Don't be taken in.

I don't see the benefit of private school for your son.
I know many children who were sent to private school and it hasn't given them any more opportunities then those that when to state school.
It did isolate them from the general public though and waste a lot of money.
Your ex father is much better off investing in a stable home for your son then throwing it all away in private education just for the status symbol.

Absolutely no to his offer. It's not about mum guilt or giving DS the best. He's using this to take DS away from you and exert his control - and it's not even his money, it's his dad's! DS is much better off living with his mum for the majority of the time as has been established, going to a local state school (nothing wrong with that whatsoever, especially for primary) and continuing to see dad for the same amount of time as now. Don't uproot your and your son's lives for a prep school and an inflexible arse of an ex. Stick with what you know is best for DS and the ex's dad can pay for private at secondary if he's so inclined, when you'll all have a much better sense of who DS is and what his needs are, and the conversation hopefully won't have all the power struggle context.

Stick to your guns, OP! Your gut is right not your guilt. This is not about school. Minimise disruption, stay focused on saving up and keep the ex an hour away.

I think either way is fine but it's not really about the school. What benefits are there of child going to the private school - will it mean you don't need to worry financially about uniform, food, transport to and from school? Or will you still need to take and collect.
What negatives-
What positives from the state school- if you can manage school drop off and pick up etc then that's probably more preferable.

We hear so much about absent dads that I wondered if the private school thing might ensure you get proper support and help from that side of the family. If you can move back and still work without too much disruption to your life then that seems a good move but I do see what you say about friends. For me, it would depend on where my family eg mum was as I would want to be near them.

Why not suggest private school from aged 11 if you think he needs it?

Don't move away from your support network if that's where you're planning on staying long-term. You don't want to be in a situation where the threat of withdrawing payment of the fees is any kind of bargaining chip - it would be upsetting if your son settled in the private school and then for whatever reason the FIL stopped paying - or threatened to.

You can't afford private school. The father can't afford private school so that should be the end of the conversation.

Don't allow your child to be at the mercy of another, the funding could be withdrawn at any point.

‘You can't afford private school. The father can't afford private school so that should be the end of the conversation.’

This.

Ignore your ex. Your DS doesn't need to go to private school. The court won't side with him. Keep things as they are with your DS living with you the majority of the time and plan for him to go to school locally. There's no reason for you to move. I agree with PPs that this is about control.

Why do you think court would choose a private school? The social worker looks at the whole package what has been happening so far who has been the main parent current attachments etc

As pp's have said, the court won't favour private school over continuing to stay with the primary carer.

Private schools aren't inherently better than state, courts don't go 'oh brilliant, he's going to a posh school so we'll disregard the constant bond he's had with his primary carer for three years'. So put that out of your head.

That said, avoiding court is always a good thing.

The first thing you have to do is say no, in writing. Then you can start to negotiate. I agree that you should keep your options open at secondary - it might be something you want to explore at that stage. But for primary, hold your ground, say no, and get on with your life.

And yes - the benefits of your 'life' and school being close are huge, both in terms of friendships for you and DC, but also activities, popping in for assembly, etc. Time enough for a school commute when the child can manage it themselves, at secondary.

They've done a number on you. The grandfather sounds financially controlling, why did he have half a stake in the house?

Your child's best interests are being with you and other close family in a loving environment and having age-appropriate care, whether at home or at a nursery, play groups etc.

Zero point in forking out £££ for a private nursery at 3, that's mental. Is it gold-plated duplo or something? Honestly your input as a mother is much more valuable than anything a fancy school can provide.

If you got DC into the private school then GF died/lost all his money/got in a huff and stopped paying, where would you be then? He seems a heartless man to see you divorced without any money to find a home of your own.

It's quite unusual to send children to private schools at 3, far more common to start at 11, I wouldn't send mine at any age but to send at 3 when neither of you have any money is bonkers. He'd stand out from his friends and not have the right hobbies, clothes etc.

It's good you're having counselling, you need to gain confidence in making decisions for DC away from ex and his father who sound quite unpleasant.

The question a court will see it’s not public vs private
is who is the main carer (you) and are there any compelling reasons for the other (your ex) to become the main one
private school is not a compelling reason (and I say it as someone that has a kid on private school)
yes private schools offer opportunities and small class sizes, but so do some state schools, and you can always give your kid all the chances of doing extra curriculars and support them outside school

I also would have thought that the court would take into account the fact that is the grandfather who would be paying the fees & the potential disruption to your son should that offer be withdrawn at any point.

Why do you think a court would change residency for a private school? Get some leg advice. I was privately school educated and I can tell you my state educated children have had a far superior education. See a solicitor.

Like pp have said, neither of you can afford private school and if your DS goes to one, he'll be dependent on the largesse of a third party (his grandfather) for his educational stability. What if the grandfather wants to stop paying or can't afford it or ends up with significant care home fees or something like that?

Your DS doesn't need private school, he needs his primary carer (you) and ideally the stability of a local school with local friends when he gets to school age.

I definitely wouldn't be agreeing to a school 30 minutes drive away either as that's going to inconvenience you hugely when it comes to work opportunities in the future. You have far more chance of making life work for your if your DS's school is a short walk rather than a lengthy drive. And there's no saying your ex won't get what he wants and then get fed up and fuck off again, and then you're left with a child settled in a school miles away.

I am an eyfs teacher and I wouldn't want my child to go to a private school if i had access to a good mainstream school. I believe that school should be setting you up for what kind of adult you will be and i personally dont find private schools to align with my values.

I've witnessed first hand the benefits of children being inschools with children from all backgrounds, I wouldn't trade this for smaller class sizes.

Stick to your gut feeling OP.

Do you want him to have a private eduction? I would contest and go to court. No way would I give up my child living with me when there are good school available locally that don't need paying for - what happens if his DGF stops paying?

He gave £23k in the divorce and made me feel guilty and awful about it as he had to ask his family for the money (he had no savings to his name... it was part of the equity of the house)

Well knock that on the head. It was part of the equity in the house that was a marital asset. You were entitled to it.

What's the current contact arrangement: is it 50:50?