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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants to send son to private school away from me

201 replies

Rosiekate1 · 16/08/2023 09:26

My DS is 2 and a half. I'm divorced from his dad. DS lives with me majority of the time (with dad for 2 nights). The two homes are 1hr away from each other.

His dad wants to send him to a private school when he turns 3 (the ‘pre prep’) for 2 morning sessions a week. He already takes DS to a stay and play session there weekly for an hour and a half.

I know it will be my Ex's father whole will pay for the fees, as Ex only just scrapes by (Ex's father pays towards his mortgage and living costs, as revealed in Form E of divorce. Ex H also kept marital home as father owned half of it)

Ex wants DS to live with him most of the time and go to school there. The private school is a 5-10 min drive from his house. An hour from mine.

I can't afford private school. I can't afford a house at the moment (DS and I living with my parents since he was 6 months old) I am saving like crazy to buy. Divorce resulted in Ex keeping marital home due father owning half.

I would prefer my son to go to one of the local state schools to our house (all very good).

I think Court is likely the only way to resolve the schooling issue, as Ex is unlikely to agree to a school near me.

So my question is AIBU to want to send my son to a local state school over a private school? My mum guilt screams ‘yes’, how could I deny my son that opportunity?

I don’t want to live ‘miles away’ from my son’s school and the ‘life’ he will develop there, so I would move back to Ex’s area (if I can afford it after possible court fees) But then I am away from my family, current mum friends and life I have developed here. I get extremely home sick hence for the break down of the marriage. I am emotional I know this, and I am currently having counselling to resolve anxiety.

I know my Ex would also not want to live ‘miles’ away from his son’s school and life, hence the jostle about the schools.

What would you do? Choose the private school and move back? Or dig your heals in, go to court for the local state school?

My sons is obviously too young to express is his opinion yet otherwise I’d just ask him!

Thanks.

OP posts:
cocog · 16/08/2023 10:41

Do you claim the child benefit and have his doctors ect with you. If so you should receive a letter the November before he starts school to register and look at local schools. check with your local council he’s on there radar as living at your address or the papers will go to address he was registered at at birth! Look into where you want him to go to school for now and speak to your ex about his generous offer and maybe taking him up on it for high school. Dose however seem he’s trying to pull a fast one hopefully it’s because he loves his child!

bonzaitree · 16/08/2023 10:49

I would accept the offer, continue to save and when I bought move closer to the school. You don’t need to move far- 1/2 hour closer to the school, so 1/2 hour from where you live now.

You’re going to be moving anyway so there is absolutely no reason why you cant move a little closer to the school.

It’s not PC to say this but your son will have a better education and more opportunities with a private education. Sorry if that offends people but it’s true. It’s offered to be paid for- fucking take it and run!

LadyDanburysHat · 16/08/2023 10:55

Given that your ex can't afford to pay the fees himself, I'm not sure the courts would take that very well. And as others have said you are resident parent.

THisbackwithavengeance · 16/08/2023 10:59

I would accept the offer and move closer so you can keep the current custody arrangement.

I know a lot of people like to pooh pooh private education but it's a massive life advantage and opportunity.

Charrington · 16/08/2023 11:03

I think you’re setting yourself up for years of mind games and control.

Also, being around peers who have more money than you isn’t an easy experience as a dc. I don’t think the educational benefits offset the social.

It would be a no from me.

Xiaoxiong · 16/08/2023 11:03

I absolutely disagree with those saying take the offer - you really don't want to be beholden to someone else who isn't a parent to ensure your child can continue going to a private school, especially someone from a family that has form for holding money stuff over your head. I am a big supporter of choices for parents so nothing against private (my kids are both in private, Dh teaches at a private school etc) but I would never put my kids somewhere where I relied on someone else paying the fees. What if FIL changes his mind if the fees go up 15% next year? Needs to go into care? Needs his money for bills? Neither you nor your ex could cover the fees in that case so a bad idea to start down this road unless your FIL puts all the fees for your child's education in a trust now (at a minimum through the next 10 years). Not just paying term by term.

Also there's not a family court in the world that would insist you tie yourselves into a financial contract with a private school that neither you nor your ex are able to honour if FIL changes his mind.

SpaceRaiders · 16/08/2023 11:07

In the courts eyes you’re the resident parent, wether he goes to a stay and play twice a week whilst with ex is really immaterial. The court will be looking at what’s best for the child and what arrangements have been to date.

The fact your ex isn’t financially able to make the provision himself and is instead relying on his parents is likely go against him because a court cannot order a grandparent to fund school fees. I’ve been there and thankfully common sense prevailed! You will need your own support network so I wouldn’t go agreeing to moving back without giving it some serious thought. Once you’ve made that decision, you’ll be ‘stuck’ there until dc has finished school.

SternJosie · 16/08/2023 11:14

You will be beholden to ex and his family forever, you would be utterly mad to do it.

What happens if two years in there are additional conditions added? Well we're paying for it so either he stays here Monday to Friday/three nights a week/every Xmas or the funding stops.

They'll have you over a barrel for the next 15 years if you go down this route.

SpaceRaiders · 16/08/2023 11:15

Cross posted with @Xiaoxiong Ex is not capable of funding school fees himself therefore a court will not order it, nor insist on a change of arrangements/residency on the basis FIL will cover it.

LetMeEnfoldYou · 16/08/2023 11:17

Going to private school is not better for a child's development and happiness than continuing to live with their primary cater, in this case the mother.

Pinkdelight3 · 16/08/2023 11:48

@Whataretheodds current set-up details are in the first par of the OP: DS lives with me majority of the time (with dad for 2 nights). The two homes are 1hr away from each other.

Xiaoxiong · 16/08/2023 11:48

And also private school is not better for a child's future prospects if the parents are hugely financially stressed as a result, and potentially their schooling is inadvertently disrupted at crucial times. ("Grandson has to come with us for family holiday, has to live with us or we won't pay for secondary/GCSEs/A-levels..., has to study maths for a-level because WE think it's best or we'll stop paying, etc etc etc")

In your situation I would spit out the bait of school fees to avoid being on the hook for years of stress. Start your child in the best state school you can find and supplement as far as you wish with lots of reading at home, trips to the library, the theatre, art galleries, sports, clubs, tutoring if needed, educational experiences at home, etc etc etc. Private schooling is absolutely not worth it if it holds you and your child hostage to fortune ie. the FIL changing the terms of the deal later on down the line.

Starwarslover · 16/08/2023 11:48

And what happens when your ex falls out with his dad and he refuses to keep paying for private school? You’d need to pull him out once he’s settled and made friends, it could be years down the line. The safest best is local state near you. If I’m honest I’m not sure why this needs to go to court, your resident parent as he’s with you the most, surely you just go ahead and apply for schools near you?

Flannigan · 16/08/2023 11:50

I wouldn't if it meant that your son stays for fewer days with you (unless you are ok with that). I assume there is a good reason why your son mostly lives with you now.

I think private schools are overrated. My DC goes to a private school. It's a good school, very academic and they are happy there but I don't think it's worth it if it means having to uproot your or your son's life especially if the state schools near your house are good. Also, I'd be worried that you will somehow owe your father in law for the rest of your life if he pays the fees. Is there a chance that he will use that at some point against you?

mindutopia · 16/08/2023 11:53

His school should be local to where he lives the majority of the time. If that's with you, it should be a school local to you. But at 3, this isn't 'school'. It's nursery. If your ex wants to use a private school nursery on the days when your dc is with him, fine. But I wouldn't be changing up contact arrangements to facilitate this - especially as neither parent has funds to continue this arrangement long-term (grandparents paying, all fine and well, but there could be a family fall out, a grandparent could die, and all could change tomorrow).

At that age, I wouldn't say there is much advantage to private school (and I say this as someone who went to private school my entire education). My own primary age dc go to state school and will likely stay there. For secondary, yes, possibly. But ultimately, the best thing is for kids to have a stable home environment, with two parents who support this stability and what is best for them. A consistent healthy living situation is much more important than private education. I can't imagine someone who has done little parenting and can't financially support himself is the best person to provide that - especially once he got a taste of how much work it is - and the courts will very likely agree.

BoohooWoohoo · 16/08/2023 12:00

Take it to court.

Some thoughts

  1. Not all private schools are better than state.Find out more about the private school.
  2. If your ex FIL pays the fees then what strings are attached? Will be expect to see reports and attend parents evenings and school events? If an event is limited to 2 tickets per child then he may very well expect one of those tickets and automatically give the other to his wife or your ex. How do you feel about having to see FIL at school events ?
  3. On the strings attached point, what will you do if FIL decides to stop paying? Your son could be forced to quickly move schools because FIL fell out with ex or your son.
BoohooWoohoo · 16/08/2023 12:04

Also
What happens if ds wants to study qualifications that FIL doesn't approve of? For example he might want to study music but FIL might insist on business. As you and ex aren't paying he could use this to force ds to take courses that he's not interested in.

I wouldn't accept less than 50% care and I wouldn't accept being beholden to someone who could withdraw the money on a whim.

LittleOwl153 · 16/08/2023 12:10

I would not accept private school being paid for outside of mum/dad directly unless the person paying was prepared to set up a trust fund for the fees for the duration of the schooling from day 1 - under the joint control of mum and dad - with noone else having influence over choices (such as his dad taking a share thus between them overruling you).

I wouldn't agree to this move. I would keep your son with you. He can go to a local school and if need be transfer to private at secondary if there is a suitably located one.

A further thought - though I stick by my finance thoughts above - is that you agree provided that your FIL agrees to transport/fund transport to take and collect your son from the school daily. I still think that would be too much travelling for a 3yr old but I would not give up time to enable it.

WaltzingWaters · 16/08/2023 12:13

This is about your ex and his family trying to gain control and primary custody. Using money as a way to make this happen. It’s not necessarily about what’s best for your DS. Taking him away from his mum the majority of the time (provided you and your parents home is a stable base) is likely to be very disruptive to him.

SnowdaySewday · 16/08/2023 12:21

Private schools cost more than just the fees. Who is going to fund the additional costs for uniform, school trips, meals (he’d get universal FSM in state school), petrol for travel on days when DS is with you, extra childcare if the holidays are longer, tuition if there are academic levels to be reached to get into the next phase of the school? What happens if ex-H or his DF are no longer willing or able to pay?

Think also about the time-factor. You would be limiting what jobs you could take if you have to accommodate an hour-long return journey twice a day - you'd be limited to the area near the school (and therefore also having to make that journey in the holidays), working shorter hours or paying for wrap-around care.

Does ex-H pay maintenance? Is this also an attempt to avoid doing so?

fireflyloo · 16/08/2023 12:26

Private doesn't seem like a sensible option based on the fact that neither of the parents can afford it. Unless there is a trust set up from grandparent that has dc's private school fees (plus realistic uplifts) until they're 18 then it would be unwise to go down that route.

Rob3bob · 16/08/2023 12:27

Not all private schools are better than state.Find out more about the private school.

My daughter’s going to an independent school. We visited the 5 we have locally and some schools were dire. Before you make a decision about which school would be the best fit for your son go and visit it first.

If you like the private school then obtain legal advice on what you need to do to ensure your sons fees are secure and he won’t end up leaving in a few years

GabriellaMontez · 16/08/2023 12:29

Is there a good primary near you? If so I'd go for that option. Is there a pre school/playgroup you could attend there to establish some friendships and familiarise your son with it?

What makes you think the courts would favour the private school?

Bramshott · 16/08/2023 12:32

Can you try to take all emotion out of it?!

If your ex is proposing to sign your DS up for 2 mornings of pre-prep on the days he already has him, then that's his decision to make. If it will mean altering the contact pattern though then of course that's different and you could simply say "no that won't work as he's with me that day".

Further down the line, apply for school near you because that's where your DS lives most of the time, and if your ex suggests the private school just say something like "no that won't work I'm afraid as that's too far from me and this is where DS lives the majority of the time".

Easier to say than put into practice I'm sure! But try not to get ahead of yourself and second guess what his plans are. It sounds as though the private school he's proposing just won't work if it's an hour from you, so whether it's private or state is neither here nor there.

GabriellaMontez · 16/08/2023 12:34

This info from @Xiaoxiong is all you need to know and makes perfect sense.

Also there's not a family court in the world that would insist you tie yourselves into a financial contract with a private school that neither you nor your ex are able to honour if FIL changes his mind.

Ignore ex and when the time comes, sign him up for your local primary. Let him try and go to court.