Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants to send son to private school away from me

201 replies

Rosiekate1 · 16/08/2023 09:26

My DS is 2 and a half. I'm divorced from his dad. DS lives with me majority of the time (with dad for 2 nights). The two homes are 1hr away from each other.

His dad wants to send him to a private school when he turns 3 (the ‘pre prep’) for 2 morning sessions a week. He already takes DS to a stay and play session there weekly for an hour and a half.

I know it will be my Ex's father whole will pay for the fees, as Ex only just scrapes by (Ex's father pays towards his mortgage and living costs, as revealed in Form E of divorce. Ex H also kept marital home as father owned half of it)

Ex wants DS to live with him most of the time and go to school there. The private school is a 5-10 min drive from his house. An hour from mine.

I can't afford private school. I can't afford a house at the moment (DS and I living with my parents since he was 6 months old) I am saving like crazy to buy. Divorce resulted in Ex keeping marital home due father owning half.

I would prefer my son to go to one of the local state schools to our house (all very good).

I think Court is likely the only way to resolve the schooling issue, as Ex is unlikely to agree to a school near me.

So my question is AIBU to want to send my son to a local state school over a private school? My mum guilt screams ‘yes’, how could I deny my son that opportunity?

I don’t want to live ‘miles away’ from my son’s school and the ‘life’ he will develop there, so I would move back to Ex’s area (if I can afford it after possible court fees) But then I am away from my family, current mum friends and life I have developed here. I get extremely home sick hence for the break down of the marriage. I am emotional I know this, and I am currently having counselling to resolve anxiety.

I know my Ex would also not want to live ‘miles’ away from his son’s school and life, hence the jostle about the schools.

What would you do? Choose the private school and move back? Or dig your heals in, go to court for the local state school?

My sons is obviously too young to express is his opinion yet otherwise I’d just ask him!

Thanks.

OP posts:
BadNomad · 16/08/2023 15:01

A 3-year-old doesn't need any kind of school.

Dutch1e · 16/08/2023 15:03

Aside from the blatant attempt at manipulating you out of DSs life, it's just not logical to enrol in a school that neither of you can pay for.

In your shoes I'd just keep plodding along with whatever pre-school/school plans I already had for DS and keep the written replies quite brief... "we're sorted for a preschool and school close to home. Lovely offer but no thanks."

Addictedtohotbaths · 16/08/2023 15:10

dappledsky · 16/08/2023 09:53

" If I don't move back, court is likely to choose the private school, and then he'll get custody during the week as he lives closer."

Private schools require a signature from both parents before enrolment so he can't do it without your agreement. As you are currently his main carer I would think it is unlikely court will agree to your ex's request for the private school 1 hour away over your request for your local school.

I would say having local family and friends support is more important that school type.

No they don’t. I enrolled my son in private school without ex husbands permission. My solicitor’s advice was to proceed without consulting him and then once enrolled it would be my ex’s responsibility to take me to court and identify a better alternative education provision.

AccountantMum · 16/08/2023 15:14

Addictedtohotbaths · 16/08/2023 15:10

No they don’t. I enrolled my son in private school without ex husbands permission. My solicitor’s advice was to proceed without consulting him and then once enrolled it would be my ex’s responsibility to take me to court and identify a better alternative education provision.

Show quote history

Same - we didn't get my daughters dad's signature we just explained to the school he doesn't see her

YouOKHun · 16/08/2023 15:20

Silvered · 16/08/2023 10:00

No, for three reasons.

Firstly, you are the primary carer for your son. It's not in your son's best interests to be taken from his primary carer at such a young age without a bloody good reason. Going to a fee paying school is not a good reason.

Secondly, relying on your Ex FIL to pay the fees is very risky. It puts you over a barrel in terms of your child. Don't want to play ball? I'll stop paying. Don't like what I'm saying to your child? Keep quiet or I'll stop paying.

Even if he is a decent bloke who wouldn't do this, there's nothing to say that circumstances won't change in the future and he can't or won't pay the fees anymore. There was a thread on here in the last week from a poster who was having to pull her kids out because fees are going up so fast every year that she can no longer afford it.

Thirdly, what's to say that the school is any good. The fact it's fee paying is irrelevant. And even if it was an amazing school, at such a young age it's not going to make a life changing difference - certainly not that justifies taking your son away from his mum, his surrounding family and friends and his home.

So I would say no, I'm not giving permission. If he feels strongly enough then let him take it to court. I can't see a court ruling in favour as it's not a compelling case.

Totally agree. The fees for private school are only the start of it too. Even IF he covers the fees and keeps on doing so there will be other costs that will come your way OP. There is a game going on here and it looks like they think throwing some money at the situation will work in their favour. Say no. You’re not taking away an opportunity for your DC; even if it’s an excellent school the disruption and ongoing hold over you would be horrible. It really doesn’t sound like your ex has your DC’s best interests at heart and I think his motives would be questioned.

jannier · 16/08/2023 15:26

bonzaitree · 16/08/2023 10:49

I would accept the offer, continue to save and when I bought move closer to the school. You don’t need to move far- 1/2 hour closer to the school, so 1/2 hour from where you live now.

You’re going to be moving anyway so there is absolutely no reason why you cant move a little closer to the school.

It’s not PC to say this but your son will have a better education and more opportunities with a private education. Sorry if that offends people but it’s true. It’s offered to be paid for- fucking take it and run!

If the grandfather stops paying for any reason it's going to be hard to pay for a private school especially in senior school then lo is stuck back in the mainstream trying to fit in. It's not just the fees you need to pay it's the uniform, clubs and social expectations that make life very hard for children who don't have money

BadNomad · 16/08/2023 15:29

I wonder if it's worth contacting the school yourself to tell them you are the child's mother and you do not give permission for him to be enrolled there. I don't imagine private schools like parental drama.

Bobbybobbins · 16/08/2023 15:46

I think the school is almost a red herring here- this is about your ex seeking to gain control and full custody.

FancyFran · 16/08/2023 15:56

I think this is about control. I would want to see the £250k it will cost deposited in a education account for your DS. If your EXFIL can pay the fees for the next ten years up front to the school with no caveat it shows commitment. Otherwise it's a power play.
My children went to prep and one to boarding school. Their friends are from the state sector!

FrenchieF · 16/08/2023 15:59

He’s only 2 still far too early to be considering this. He’ll get no benefit from a private school.
it’s a power and control move and they are trying to establish the control now, don’t do it.

ihadamarveloustime · 16/08/2023 16:08

I'd say no and fight as the primary caregiver to have your child in a school near you.

PollyPut · 16/08/2023 16:15

@Rosiekate1 as I understand it, the private school cannot/will not take your DS if you do not sign the forms. Your Ex could take you to court in an attempt to sign them. I am not sure what court would say - but it seems a bit crazy to me to be signing up for private school for 15 years when neither of you can afford it and you risk him having to leave/change later.

You talk about needing to go to court to get him to go to local state school. I am not sure that you would need to go to court for this?

Honestly, if neither of you can afford the private school I would go for a good state school instead. It's money that sounds like it's dearly needed elsewhere

PollyPut · 16/08/2023 16:17

Addictedtohotbaths · 16/08/2023 15:10

No they don’t. I enrolled my son in private school without ex husbands permission. My solicitor’s advice was to proceed without consulting him and then once enrolled it would be my ex’s responsibility to take me to court and identify a better alternative education provision.

Show quote history

@Rosiekate1 some schools do require both parent's signatures. this should be pretty easy to check

Brightonhome · 16/08/2023 16:29

My daughter attended a private school from pre-prep to sixth form (now at uni). There were plenty of kids who went to state school who joined the senior school. Many had 'doctor' level parents who either tutored or paid for private tuition for their child to be prepared for the common entrance or scholarship entrance exams to the senior school. This could be a compromise. Your son can attend state school whilst very young, with extra private tuition later on. The benefits of a private education are greater than just good academic results, and the peer group connections develop more in the senior school anyway.

BerriesandLeaves · 16/08/2023 17:05

Xiaoxiong · 16/08/2023 11:03

I absolutely disagree with those saying take the offer - you really don't want to be beholden to someone else who isn't a parent to ensure your child can continue going to a private school, especially someone from a family that has form for holding money stuff over your head. I am a big supporter of choices for parents so nothing against private (my kids are both in private, Dh teaches at a private school etc) but I would never put my kids somewhere where I relied on someone else paying the fees. What if FIL changes his mind if the fees go up 15% next year? Needs to go into care? Needs his money for bills? Neither you nor your ex could cover the fees in that case so a bad idea to start down this road unless your FIL puts all the fees for your child's education in a trust now (at a minimum through the next 10 years). Not just paying term by term.

Also there's not a family court in the world that would insist you tie yourselves into a financial contract with a private school that neither you nor your ex are able to honour if FIL changes his mind.

I think that's a very good point that the FIL might need the money for care, then you'd have to disrupt his education.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/08/2023 17:33

Is your local state school good or outstanding? Do you have a private school near you? If the offer is only an offer of paying for private if it's the one next to your exes house then that's not an offer that's blackmail in my opinion- don't think a court would want to encourage that

SammyScrounge · 16/08/2023 17:39

Stay where you are as you are satisfied that the schools local to you. are good. Private schools are not necessarily better than state schools.In fact, quite often they are lacking.

BoohooWoohoo · 16/08/2023 17:46

Do you get on with your ex FIL? What's the probability of him paying fees but expecting you to pay for other stuff?
What if this school turns out to be wrong for ds and you want him to go to another school a year later? By agreeing to this offer you are sacrificing a lot of parental power to ex FIL. You could be obliged to keep FIL sweet so he pays and asking your son to behave for FIL because of the school fees issue. If your son falls out with FIL, what's the probability of him withdrawing the money? Kids sometimes clash with their grandparent and shouldn't be scared of him in case they have to change schools.

As someone eloquently put it, no school is going to offer as much as you can especially at nursery/primary level.

Z1hun · 16/08/2023 19:03

Take the private school offer. It's about your sons education not you. I'd send my dd to private school at the first opportunity.

happywithless · 16/08/2023 19:12

No private educación makes a difference at 2 and a half years old, but more time with mom does. What your child most needs right now Is time with his mom (and dad of course), but don't let education guilt you into this. Time with his mom Is what he needs the most now. When he Is 5 or 6 you can start thinking about education and right now Is a good time to sabe money for that house, so stay close to you support group.

Fernticket · 16/08/2023 19:14

IthinkIamAnAlien · 16/08/2023 09:53

If I were you, OP, I would see this as an attempt to wrest your son away from you, it's not about private school, it's about control. I don't think a court would choose on the basis of private vs state, as others have said, the choice would be the child's welfare and happiness in a settled home. Your ex sounds toxic to me, a court would see his financial situation as a sign of his inability to be a stable father providing a stable home.

Get all the advice you can from every direction, Women's Aid, free legal care, social services, welfare. Don't give in, he's getting at you and your son will suffer. One of my children briefly went to a private school pre-school, it was awful, pushy, horrible parents, you were no one if you didn't have a fancy car and house and that was in the 1990s!

This

gogomoto · 16/08/2023 19:21

Does your son go to nursery where you are whilst you work? Does he have a developing friendship group (though so young courts won't necessarily take account of this). An hours drive to school isn't that far, could you move a bit closer once full time at school, I regularly drive 45 to friends and all my family are a couple of hours away

primoseyellow · 16/08/2023 19:28

@WhisperingHi this exactly, I know a few adults who are messed up by private school. Also I think the bullying in private schools can be on a different level to state, its pretty miserable being the poor kid in a private school too.

Ann444 · 16/08/2023 19:31

Given your sons age,, and with you being the primary carer, I doubt the court will agree. But let him take you to court, because it will be apparent that the father is trying to take your son away from you.
Further, if he wants the best for his son, try finding a list of private schools that he can be enrolled in near you.
The courts will see this for what it is. Unfair settlement BTW. He should have been made to sell his share in the house, so you could have bought a house or unit for you and your son.

Remember, the courts will be looking at the best interests of the child here, and uprooting him, causing you financial distress, is not in the best interest of the child.

Id tell him no, and let the controlling fool take you to court.

Get some legal advice too.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 16/08/2023 19:33

I would fight the whole thing tooth and nail - it’s all a power play to develop a life for your son nearer to him, and then go for residency so that he can stop paying any maintenance and instead receive it from you.

He also didn’t give you 23k, it was your divorce settlement (and doesn’t sound like very much equity - if his dad owned half the house, then for that to be a quarter of the equity you’d only have had 90k odd equity in the house?))