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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants to send son to private school away from me

201 replies

Rosiekate1 · 16/08/2023 09:26

My DS is 2 and a half. I'm divorced from his dad. DS lives with me majority of the time (with dad for 2 nights). The two homes are 1hr away from each other.

His dad wants to send him to a private school when he turns 3 (the ‘pre prep’) for 2 morning sessions a week. He already takes DS to a stay and play session there weekly for an hour and a half.

I know it will be my Ex's father whole will pay for the fees, as Ex only just scrapes by (Ex's father pays towards his mortgage and living costs, as revealed in Form E of divorce. Ex H also kept marital home as father owned half of it)

Ex wants DS to live with him most of the time and go to school there. The private school is a 5-10 min drive from his house. An hour from mine.

I can't afford private school. I can't afford a house at the moment (DS and I living with my parents since he was 6 months old) I am saving like crazy to buy. Divorce resulted in Ex keeping marital home due father owning half.

I would prefer my son to go to one of the local state schools to our house (all very good).

I think Court is likely the only way to resolve the schooling issue, as Ex is unlikely to agree to a school near me.

So my question is AIBU to want to send my son to a local state school over a private school? My mum guilt screams ‘yes’, how could I deny my son that opportunity?

I don’t want to live ‘miles away’ from my son’s school and the ‘life’ he will develop there, so I would move back to Ex’s area (if I can afford it after possible court fees) But then I am away from my family, current mum friends and life I have developed here. I get extremely home sick hence for the break down of the marriage. I am emotional I know this, and I am currently having counselling to resolve anxiety.

I know my Ex would also not want to live ‘miles’ away from his son’s school and life, hence the jostle about the schools.

What would you do? Choose the private school and move back? Or dig your heals in, go to court for the local state school?

My sons is obviously too young to express is his opinion yet otherwise I’d just ask him!

Thanks.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 16/08/2023 19:33

But you should have got more than 1/4 by the sounds of it

Coka · 16/08/2023 19:35

No way i would do it. I remember a post from a lady whos kid was in private school and she was living on bare minimum and struggling. She found it hard. Imagine when your kid is older and his friends are living a totally different lifestyle from the one you are providing him and he ends up resenting you for not being able to afford the things his friends have. I think state is the best option. Tell ur ex you can reassess when hes older.

BungleandGeorge · 16/08/2023 19:43

if he’s enrolled in the private preschool presumably he can do that on his 2 days without your agreement? I guess the problem is that he’ll then settle in that setting and make it more difficult to change. Do you think your ex will apply for more time with him? If he can only do 2 days then you’re going to get the final day over school

Buzzybug · 16/08/2023 19:46

He needs to be with primary carer and if that's you mum until he can stand on his own feet and advocate for himself. I would say that's about 8 - 10 years old. The childs needs have to come first!

BungleandGeorge · 16/08/2023 19:49

happywithless · 16/08/2023 19:12

No private educación makes a difference at 2 and a half years old, but more time with mom does. What your child most needs right now Is time with his mom (and dad of course), but don't let education guilt you into this. Time with his mom Is what he needs the most now. When he Is 5 or 6 you can start thinking about education and right now Is a good time to sabe money for that house, so stay close to you support group.

Children go to school at 4 in England and the majority to part time preschool before that. Preschool is often private through a private school or nursery. There’s funding at 3 so doesn’t make much of a difference to cost whether it’s a nursery, private or state school

Thelonelygiraffe · 16/08/2023 20:14

No way. I'd say he goes to school close to where you live - that's in his best interests, as you and your support network are based there.

No need for private school at primary/preschool stage.

Sounds like your ex is angling for 50:50 or more.

Don't let him away with it.

He's only an hour away - he could see your ds more if he wanted to.

FilthyforFirth · 16/08/2023 20:23

Your child will want his mother more than private schooling. I would fight this in your shoes.

Cakeandcardio · 16/08/2023 20:24

I wouldn't expect the court to necessarily think private schools are better. It wouldn't be better for your child if they would miss out on having their mum in their life or you would lose your support network. I would stay with your support network. Don't feel guilty about your child having to attend a state school.

maddening · 16/08/2023 20:27

Your arguments in court that I think would support you arw:

  • that neither of you can afford it and you are dependent on the ongoing generosity of a third party.
  • removing ds from Primary carer
  • that you cannot afford to live in the area of the school and therefore exists proposition would alienate the mother financially, whereas he has been able to retain the family home due to wider family generosity- ex could facilitate a closer to 50/50 arrangement if he moved to the cheaper area that his son now lives.
MarshyMcMarshFace · 16/08/2023 20:40

Over my dead body would this happen!

Separated from my young child, forever beholden to and in the hands of the father of the man you divorced.

Horrible that they think private school is more important than his life with you. Or that your son can be bought like this!

haze46 · 16/08/2023 20:58

Silvered · 16/08/2023 10:00

No, for three reasons.

Firstly, you are the primary carer for your son. It's not in your son's best interests to be taken from his primary carer at such a young age without a bloody good reason. Going to a fee paying school is not a good reason.

Secondly, relying on your Ex FIL to pay the fees is very risky. It puts you over a barrel in terms of your child. Don't want to play ball? I'll stop paying. Don't like what I'm saying to your child? Keep quiet or I'll stop paying.

Even if he is a decent bloke who wouldn't do this, there's nothing to say that circumstances won't change in the future and he can't or won't pay the fees anymore. There was a thread on here in the last week from a poster who was having to pull her kids out because fees are going up so fast every year that she can no longer afford it.

Thirdly, what's to say that the school is any good. The fact it's fee paying is irrelevant. And even if it was an amazing school, at such a young age it's not going to make a life changing difference - certainly not that justifies taking your son away from his mum, his surrounding family and friends and his home.

So I would say no, I'm not giving permission. If he feels strongly enough then let him take it to court. I can't see a court ruling in favour as it's not a compelling case.

This poster spot on, I totally agree. Your child is preschool age, who doesn't need private education at this stage. He needs his Mum and to be nurtured. You need to stand your ground, a court will not count this as a valid reason so shared custody. Don't leave your support network that makes you vulnerable and he is no better position than you are financially so don't be intimated by this man. Stay strong mamma 💪

determinedtomakethiswork · 16/08/2023 21:17

I would not agree to this. He isn't even paying for it himself! I would go to court if necessary and show that the local schools are good for your child and you have the support of your mum as well. His dad needs to learn that he can't pay for everything and get his own way over everything either.

LouHey · 16/08/2023 21:57

I'd send my child to private school. It's a no brainer. It doesn't matter how good your local schools are, they won't be as good and won't offer the same opportunities a private education will. Sorry, I know that's probably not what you want to hear but it's absolutely the case. Your Mum is right.

Move closer so you can see him more.

SunRainStorm · 16/08/2023 22:19

Coka · 16/08/2023 19:35

No way i would do it. I remember a post from a lady whos kid was in private school and she was living on bare minimum and struggling. She found it hard. Imagine when your kid is older and his friends are living a totally different lifestyle from the one you are providing him and he ends up resenting you for not being able to afford the things his friends have. I think state is the best option. Tell ur ex you can reassess when hes older.

This is another good point.

Ann444 · 16/08/2023 22:43

Given the fact that the primary caregiver lives outside the catchment area of the Schiller, mum would need to sign necessary enrolment papers.

Girlsjustwannahavefunno1 · 16/08/2023 22:48

I think , your ex could move closer to you if he wants to be with his son that much ...why would a court rule to take him out of school that is close to the main carer and make his life unstable? The courts will favour stablity and love over money.

Comefromaway · 17/08/2023 09:19

LouHey · 16/08/2023 21:57

I'd send my child to private school. It's a no brainer. It doesn't matter how good your local schools are, they won't be as good and won't offer the same opportunities a private education will. Sorry, I know that's probably not what you want to hear but it's absolutely the case. Your Mum is right.

Move closer so you can see him more.

Not necessarily true. A supposedly really good, sought after in my area, private school was disastrous for my ds.

BerriesandLeaves · 17/08/2023 09:30

What if the dad gets sick of doing the school run and dropping at play dates and parties and you end up doing 2 hour round trips to facilitate this?

fuchiaknickers · 17/08/2023 09:40

I would dig heels in and go to court for the local state school.

I personally don’t believe private schools are necessarily better than good state schools, educationally. Obviously a lot get excellent grades, but that is usually because they are selective and / or they apply a great deal of pressure.

To be quite honest, the main reason private schools are seen as so desirable is because of networking and the fact that there is no ‘riff raff’ . Unfortunately, as a now single mother without a home of her own, you (and I!) would probably count as riff raff! Your son will be mixing and trying to make friends within different social circles and with different family finances. As he grows older I think this situation could become complicated and increasingly difficult.

You will also be in a position of always having to keep your father in law happy, or he could withdraw the education. And once your son is in school and has made friends, of course you would not want to unsettle and move him. It could cause anger and resentment from your son too, if you are somehow ever seen to be reason he had to drop out of private ed.

I say keep things simple. You and his dad cannot afford private school, so your son is not a private school child. You have excellent state schools close to you - he should go to one of these. Preferably one that is equidistant to you and to dad. This is the fairest option and I can’t see court disagreeing with this reasonable proposal.

If your son turns out to have SEN or require extra help with learning or a specialist class / school, or a particular talent or interest that requires nurturing and tutoring, Grandad can step in to fund that.

Xiaoxiong · 17/08/2023 10:05

I'm shocked so many don't see the risk here to the child's educational and emotional security, let alone the attempt to control the mum and wrest contact away from her. No private school, no matter how amazing, is worth that price. And the child will probably not do better in a private school in those circumstances anyway if educational decisions for them are being dictated by coercive control of the mother, rather than what is best for the child's needs.

I'm as pro-private school as they come (check my history if you need confirmation of this) but this is a trap. Don't do it OP. No private school is worth losing any sort of control of your son's education and living situation.

TheFormidableMrsC · 17/08/2023 11:57

Xiaoxiong · 17/08/2023 10:05

I'm shocked so many don't see the risk here to the child's educational and emotional security, let alone the attempt to control the mum and wrest contact away from her. No private school, no matter how amazing, is worth that price. And the child will probably not do better in a private school in those circumstances anyway if educational decisions for them are being dictated by coercive control of the mother, rather than what is best for the child's needs.

I'm as pro-private school as they come (check my history if you need confirmation of this) but this is a trap. Don't do it OP. No private school is worth losing any sort of control of your son's education and living situation.

I absolutely agree with this.

TheFormidableMrsC · 17/08/2023 11:59

LouHey · 16/08/2023 21:57

I'd send my child to private school. It's a no brainer. It doesn't matter how good your local schools are, they won't be as good and won't offer the same opportunities a private education will. Sorry, I know that's probably not what you want to hear but it's absolutely the case. Your Mum is right.

Move closer so you can see him more.

I'm sorry but this is absolute nonsense. Private school does not always lead to better opportunities, believe me. Have you also forgotten this child is 3 (or will be when he's taken from his mother to facilitate this controlling father). There is no court in the land that is going to agree to this absolute nonsense.

ohdamnitjanet · 03/11/2023 17:30

Hell no. Private schools aren’t right for everyone.

Lilyt14 · 03/11/2023 17:38

He sounds incredibly like my ex. I would seek legal advice but from my experience if you can’t agree he can take it to court and you will both be required to explain why your chosen school is in DS best interest.

Focus on finding a suitable pre school close to where you are and ensuring that he has a space.

I would be concerned over long term financial sustainability and risk of DS having to move schools if ex FIL can no longer afford to fund this.

Janedohzydo · 14/11/2023 09:59

My children when to a private pre-prep, actually didn't cost us that much as we used our govt free hours to pay for the provision just as you would for a nursery or preschool, most private schools operate like this so actually you have the option to do similar as your ex, also likely why it's only 2 mornings, he isn't currently needing to pay it