Ex wants to send son to private school away from me

[Rosiekate1]

My DS is 2 and a half. I'm divorced from his dad. DS lives with me majority of the time (with dad for 2 nights). The two homes are 1hr away from each other.

His dad wants to send him to a private school when he turns 3 (the ‘pre prep’) for 2 morning sessions a week. He already takes DS to a stay and play session there weekly for an hour and a half.

I know it will be my Ex's father whole will pay for the fees, as Ex only just scrapes by (Ex's father pays towards his mortgage and living costs, as revealed in Form E of divorce. Ex H also kept marital home as father owned half of it)

Ex wants DS to live with him most of the time and go to school there. The private school is a 5-10 min drive from his house. An hour from mine.

I can't afford private school. I can't afford a house at the moment (DS and I living with my parents since he was 6 months old) I am saving like crazy to buy. Divorce resulted in Ex keeping marital home due father owning half.

I would prefer my son to go to one of the local state schools to our house (all very good).

I think Court is likely the only way to resolve the schooling issue, as Ex is unlikely to agree to a school near me.

So my question is AIBU to want to send my son to a local state school over a private school? My mum guilt screams ‘yes’, how could I deny my son that opportunity?

I don’t want to live ‘miles away’ from my son’s school and the ‘life’ he will develop there, so I would move back to Ex’s area (if I can afford it after possible court fees) But then I am away from my family, current mum friends and life I have developed here. I get extremely home sick hence for the break down of the marriage. I am emotional I know this, and I am currently having counselling to resolve anxiety.

I know my Ex would also not want to live ‘miles’ away from his son’s school and life, hence the jostle about the schools.

What would you do? Choose the private school and move back? Or dig your heals in, go to court for the local state school?

My sons is obviously too young to express is his opinion yet otherwise I’d just ask him!

Thanks.

Asking questions is not going to put custody at risk.

And yes they could lie, but if they agree to something clearly that happens before any changes are made.

I paid for private school from that age. Best option might be if you can move right near the private school and the son continue to live mostly with you.

honestly I'd run a mile from this.

You are the resident parent and the school is an hour from where you live so it's not practical. No court would mandate it.

Just decline politely and (as others have said) make sure your ds is registered for doctor etc where you live so that you can apply for primary school from where you live when the time comes.

If it is about providing your ds with a good education then the money will be there when he needs it at the school of your choosing.

Also, is it just FIL, or is there an MIL too? Could they be aggrieved that, following the divorce, the other grandparents have far more to do with your DS because you live with them? Is this their way of trying to ensure their influence / claim on him?

Is this prep even any good? What do you even know about it - has anyone visited? Was your DH privately educated - is this what it's about?

No court will recommend a 4 year-old child travelling and hour to a school - and certainly not one either parents can afford without help! They are only interested in support networks. A private school at 4 is hardly going to be a priority. Don't worry about that and don't be manipulated.

Depending on what the schools are like in your area, maybe your DH / FIL could pay for independent secondary later down the line - if you think it's worth it then. I don't know where you live it how selective those schools may be.

For early years and primary, all that matters is having kind teachers and being close enough to home to make play dates and socialising easy. My son went to our closest state primary and is now at a private secondary. One difference is the cost of everything else on top of the fees - uniform is much more expensive at private schools as you have to buy all their branded stuff instead of multipacks from supermarkets. If FIL doesn’t see himself paying for the extras you could end up having to spend a lot of money on stuff you can’t really afford. You absolutely don’t have to agree to this, and please don’t think you’re depriving your DS of some wonderful experience by not agreeing. Like others have said private schooling is different, but not necessarily better, and it has downsides.

Avoid the private school. IMO academically able children will flourish regardless. If ex FIL has to stop paying for some reason they'll be forced to move schools anyway. I'd also worry about setting them up for feeling 'inferior' (not that they would be!!!) if they are surrounded by children with very wealthy families but that isn't their reality at home. I'm thinking of the expensive holidays, school trips, designer clothes etc. You might end up putting a lot of financial pressure on yourself to try and keep up!

Hit post too soon.

The implied part of my suggestion is that the OP then makes sure any agreements are followed though on including funds being legally set aside (trust or other vehicle). That is if she agrees to the terms.

Again at any time she gets to walk away. Thank the grandfather for the offer but she’s going to stay put with the current arrangement.

Private school for infants is a waste of (a ton of) money. We did this for our eldest and I regret it. Head teacher was unpleasant. Kids did nothing different to what they do in decent state schools. Rest of our kids went to state primary schools.

i also don’t think court would necessarily decide private school is better for your child. Do you work? Maybe a mum who can evidence being both the primary carer and having a job looks much more secure than this daddy-pays-my-bills

This offer of private schooling is not practical or a child living an hour away from the school.

Id enrol him for the local school and if the father wants to change this - let him take you to court. If he doesn't have any money to his name how would he afford court or schooling? Yes I know someone else is going to pay - but for how long, what conditions etc this might not be stable for your son as it could stop at any time. Whereas the local state school will give him continuity and friends in his own area to play and socialise.

Your ex is using your anxiety to do this.

Private school is nowhere near as important as the relationship between parent and child. Just say no and stick to the current arrangement. If he lives with you most of the time then he should go to school near you.

I also think it’s crazy for two parents who can’t afford it to be sending a child to private school from the age of 3.

This sounds like grandparents wanting to control. It's not in your child's best interests to be removed from his primary carer.

Also VERY easy to stop paying fees "they rose too much" once he's established there. So the only way I'd take the payment seriously is if the grandparents put the entire fees - until 18, with interest built in - in an account/trust that is managed by a solicitor acting on behalf of your child.

But basically no. If they actually cared about him, they'd want him to stay with his primary carer.

Build more local ties, register him near you.

Also, as someone who went to private school and has loads of friends who did, my own kids are not going to private school, even though we can afford it. We're not the only ones either.

‘Ex wants DS to live with him most of the time and go to school there’

So he’d become the resident parents, with you paying him maintenance. Is that in your sons best interest?

*parent.

Fuck your mum. Your son is 3 years old. He needs to be with you. The whole school thing is a red herring. Of course state schools are fine. Don’t let yourself be bullied by your ex and family.

@midlifecrash OP didn’t mention anything about her mother 😄

I personally think sending a reception age child to private school is such a waste of money.

I would tell your ex that you do not want him going into private school yet but you would be willing to do it in the future, perhaps when he moves into KS2 which is around year 3/4.

This gives you time to think about what you want and what’s best for your son, without too much disruption.

I would look up research done about the cons of sending him to private school too early, so you can have some evidence to back up your suggestion.

Where is the nearest private school to you?
Perhaps you can say that in the future you’d be happy for him to go to private school but only at X so you can be closer to your family.
If he wants to move closer then he can.

The paternal grandparents are using their money to push you around.

A three year old does not need private school! Not half as much as they need to be with their mother, and in an environment where their mother is supported by her community and family.

Absolutely go to court over it. You can revisit the private school debate when he is older, more independent and might actually benefit from it.

Sounds like a rich GP throwing their weight around to be a prick, frankly.

🤣🤣🤣

And yes to finding a lovely private school near you and offer that as a compromise.

You'll soon see how much they care about DC's education versus calling the shots.

Could you perhaps make a compromise between you both? He goes to a state pre and infant school and things stay as they are, and then when he comes up to 11 you could re-visit the idea of a private school?

You will probably find that by the time he turns 11 there may not be the provision for him to go to private school any longer or your ex will simply change his mind / lose interest in the idea.

I absolutely disagree with those saying you should take the offer. I say that as a person who's DC attend a private school.

If you fast forward to your 16 year old son and ask him the following question, I will tell you the answer he will give.

Options:

a) Go to a posh school but leave your mum and grandparents and see them a lot less. See your controlling GF and loser dad more.

b) Stay with your mum and her support network, and the safety and security off their loving circle.

I am telling you now, that your DS will miss out on much more than a slightly better school, if he spends less time with you.

“Mum guilt screams yes” it says in the OP

The compromise is surely state primary and then private secondary when arguably it will make more academic difference. Its important he spends lots of time with you both growing up and the early years are key to forming the bonds.

Why is FIL calling all the shots?

Plus, at some point in the near future private schools will go down the pan. The next labour govt. will remove charitable status, whacking up the fees, and there will be a mass exodus. Your DC will end up with 6 kids in his class and no one to play with.