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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants to send son to private school away from me

201 replies

Rosiekate1 · 16/08/2023 09:26

My DS is 2 and a half. I'm divorced from his dad. DS lives with me majority of the time (with dad for 2 nights). The two homes are 1hr away from each other.

His dad wants to send him to a private school when he turns 3 (the ‘pre prep’) for 2 morning sessions a week. He already takes DS to a stay and play session there weekly for an hour and a half.

I know it will be my Ex's father whole will pay for the fees, as Ex only just scrapes by (Ex's father pays towards his mortgage and living costs, as revealed in Form E of divorce. Ex H also kept marital home as father owned half of it)

Ex wants DS to live with him most of the time and go to school there. The private school is a 5-10 min drive from his house. An hour from mine.

I can't afford private school. I can't afford a house at the moment (DS and I living with my parents since he was 6 months old) I am saving like crazy to buy. Divorce resulted in Ex keeping marital home due father owning half.

I would prefer my son to go to one of the local state schools to our house (all very good).

I think Court is likely the only way to resolve the schooling issue, as Ex is unlikely to agree to a school near me.

So my question is AIBU to want to send my son to a local state school over a private school? My mum guilt screams ‘yes’, how could I deny my son that opportunity?

I don’t want to live ‘miles away’ from my son’s school and the ‘life’ he will develop there, so I would move back to Ex’s area (if I can afford it after possible court fees) But then I am away from my family, current mum friends and life I have developed here. I get extremely home sick hence for the break down of the marriage. I am emotional I know this, and I am currently having counselling to resolve anxiety.

I know my Ex would also not want to live ‘miles’ away from his son’s school and life, hence the jostle about the schools.

What would you do? Choose the private school and move back? Or dig your heals in, go to court for the local state school?

My sons is obviously too young to express is his opinion yet otherwise I’d just ask him!

Thanks.

OP posts:
Feverly · 16/08/2023 13:48

@midlifecrash yes, that’s not OPs mother she’s writing about 😄

SunRainStorm · 16/08/2023 13:50

AbsolutelyCreamCrackered · 16/08/2023 13:45

I absolutely disagree with those saying you should take the offer. I say that as a person who's DC attend a private school.

If you fast forward to your 16 year old son and ask him the following question, I will tell you the answer he will give.

Options:

a) Go to a posh school but leave your mum and grandparents and see them a lot less. See your controlling GF and loser dad more.

b) Stay with your mum and her support network, and the safety and security off their loving circle.

I am telling you now, that your DS will miss out on much more than a slightly better school, if he spends less time with you.

Yep this.

This side of his family was happy to see their tiny son / grandson without a home so they could hoard assets.

They're happy to separate him from his primary caregiver and the home he is now used to at the age of THREE.

Happy to disrupt his life yet again, after he's already had his parents split and move apart.

Happy to pay for private school but not willing to separate assets fairly with you so that you aren't living unhoused with their grandchild.

I was private schooled. My children will likely be when they are older. I see the value in private schooling. It pales in comparison to what you offer your child every day as his mother.

The paternal family sound like absolute pricks and they do not have your child's best interests at heart.

WomblingTree86 · 16/08/2023 13:50

I don't think there's any big advantage with private schools at primary school age if the state schools by you are good. I would just say you will consider it for secondary school but at the moment you would be prefer for him to go to a good state school near you. I can’t see why you think a court would prefer private either.

SunRainStorm · 16/08/2023 13:54

Court will not be swayed by private school.

The court will be swayed by:

  • maintaining a strong connection with primary care giver - you!
  • continuity and consistency for the child
  • maintaining connection to home and community he is used to and that has a track record of supporting him and his mother

Court will scratch its head at the idea of disrupting a three year olds life for the sake of private schooling at a specific school.

amispeakingintongues · 16/08/2023 13:55

That's a hard NO from me, OP because he obviously knows you are unable to have your majority custody of him. It seems like a ploy to get more custody of him by default of the school location, not because he wants 'the best' for your son.

Only agree to it if they can financially support you to move closer to the new private school. Your poor son would hate to be away from mummy, your ex is being a twat.

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 16/08/2023 13:55

Honestly, consult a lawyer. Private school matters very little at 3yo, and I would say most judges wouldn't remove a 3yo from their primary caregiver over it.

Is there a private school near you? If they are only willing to pay for the one near them you can argue they're not doing this for the benefit of the child, its to force a change in residence to them.

Also, it's not the ex that would be paying for it. You can't pay for it, ex won't be able to prove he can. What happens if there is a fall out with grandparents or the one with money loses capacity and needs to go into care and money goes to that instead or they die? There's 15 years of schooling there you can't guarantee is paid for and it would be detrimental to child to pull out later when settled. Why would you end up in court over schooling neither of you can pay for?

AbsolutelyCreamCrackered · 16/08/2023 13:55

It pales in comparison to what you offer your child every day as his mother.

Absolutely this ^

fedupnow2 · 16/08/2023 13:56

WhisperingHi · 16/08/2023 09:38

Quite honestly, without any resentment or bitterness, I can say I would never want my children to go to private school. It's just not an environment I would want for my child. I don't think that kind of segregation is and exclusivity is healthy for children. But that's only my view. So for me, YANBU at all.

I'm always a bit Hmmwhen people give this as a reason. What sort of environment are you talking about.? My ds goes to a private school and the children there are the most well mannered, grounded and polite children. I live in NW London and we are fortunate to have a very good selection of private and state schools. Children integrate across schools very well, there isn't even any othering. Unbelievable but my ds had a play date and the kids didn't even know they attend a private school.

Op this would be a very, very good opportunity for your son. Why not attend the sessions he attends and decide? In terms of what they offer, state can't compare. Look at all the disruptions this year alone? I would do more research before saying no.

amispeakingintongues · 16/08/2023 13:57

SpaceRaiders · 16/08/2023 11:07

In the courts eyes you’re the resident parent, wether he goes to a stay and play twice a week whilst with ex is really immaterial. The court will be looking at what’s best for the child and what arrangements have been to date.

The fact your ex isn’t financially able to make the provision himself and is instead relying on his parents is likely go against him because a court cannot order a grandparent to fund school fees. I’ve been there and thankfully common sense prevailed! You will need your own support network so I wouldn’t go agreeing to moving back without giving it some serious thought. Once you’ve made that decision, you’ll be ‘stuck’ there until dc has finished school.

This!!

Genevieva · 16/08/2023 14:00

That would be a no from me. School must be within easy reach of his main residence. Dad can pay for a private school close to you and involve you in the choice of school (including visiting before deciding) or he can accept the local primary school to your son’s home (your home). He would get nowhere in court trying to force you to agree to a school an hour away from where you live.

Anoooshka · 16/08/2023 14:03

Does your kid go to a local nursery or daycare? If not, put them in one now. Or at least sign him up for something that can start when he is three. It would be better if it's a nursery attached to a good state school so that your DS can stay with his friends. The courts move incredibly slowly, and you should do everything you can to put down roots where you live.

A relative of mine is going through the same thing right now. The whole thing has lasted for about 2 years and cost tens of thousands of pounds. If you cannot agree on a school, the court can order you to choose a school that is halfway between where you live and your ex lives (not common, but it has happened). It is far better to go to mediation. Court should be the last resort.

hot2trotter · 16/08/2023 14:15

Over my dead body would that happen.

SunRainStorm · 16/08/2023 14:16

It would be very easy for the grandfather to pull the funding once he's achieved his aim. You'd have no way of forcing him to pay school fees.

Then DC would have been taken away from you, have to move schools and end up in a state school regardless.

Enrol him somewhere local asap and help him make little friends in the area.

rainingsnoring · 16/08/2023 14:18

AbsolutelyCreamCrackered · 16/08/2023 13:55

It pales in comparison to what you offer your child every day as his mother.

Absolutely this ^

Exactly this.

He will gain so much more from being given consistent love and care from his primary care giver (you) than from being uprooted to live with his dad and his father who, frankly sound awful. They were perfectly happy for DS and his mother and primary care giver to be made homeless so that the ex kept the family home and father in law maintained his life style and kept all his ££. They are not nice or reasonable people. They just want control and for DS to live with them. Don't allow it, I can't imagine that a court would rule in his favour.

rainingsnoring · 16/08/2023 14:19

SunRainStorm · 16/08/2023 14:16

It would be very easy for the grandfather to pull the funding once he's achieved his aim. You'd have no way of forcing him to pay school fees.

Then DC would have been taken away from you, have to move schools and end up in a state school regardless.

Enrol him somewhere local asap and help him make little friends in the area.

This as well. Absolutely no guarantee he will remain at this school which may or may not be a good one.

youveturnedupwelldone · 16/08/2023 14:22

One of the issues here is that neither parent is more entitled to the child than the other. You can't bear to be away from him, obviously neither can your ex. So I think you both need to shift it away from what you as individual parents want and focus on what's best for your son; whatever that is. That might be private school, it might not - private school does not always equal best/better. Family mediation calls.

Whomever said both parents are required to sign up to a private school, that isn't true - how do I know? I just signed my dd ip for one myself without her father's input even though he has PR. School are happy to take the fees from whomever. As it happens her dad does agree etc but I never needed his signature.

midlifecrash · 16/08/2023 14:24

Feverly · 16/08/2023 13:37

@midlifecrash OP didn’t mention anything about her mother 😄

Ohhhhhh …. “Mum-guilt” sorry! Read as your mum guilt tripping youFlowers Grin

Duchessofspace · 16/08/2023 14:25

Genevieva · 16/08/2023 14:00

That would be a no from me. School must be within easy reach of his main residence. Dad can pay for a private school close to you and involve you in the choice of school (including visiting before deciding) or he can accept the local primary school to your son’s home (your home). He would get nowhere in court trying to force you to agree to a school an hour away from where you live.

Indeed and I would suggest that to him in court eg there is a great private school near me - and if you have no ulterior motive - you will be fine paying for that won’t you? I can tell you now the aim of this is for your son to live full time with either dad or father in law

Moveoverdarlin · 16/08/2023 14:26

I would comprise and say ‘I can see why you are favouring a good school, however XXXX is just too far away. An hour each way is not realistic and he’s not living with you. Find a nearer school, within 30 minutes from me and you’ve got a deal.’

There must be a nearer independent school than the one he’s talking about??? Have you done your own research? Don’t just rely on what your ex is saying.

WedRine · 16/08/2023 14:32

Rosiekate1 · 16/08/2023 09:36

He is highly unlikely to give me any more financial help. He gave £23k in the divorce and made me feel guilty and awful about it as he had to ask his family for the money (he had no savings to his name... it was part of the equity of the house)

I feel I'm in a lose lose situation. If I move back, I'm away from my 'support', but 50/50 custody is likely. If I don't move back, court is likely to choose the private school, and then he'll get custody during the week as he lives closer.

Why do you think the court will choose private school? The court will go with the status quo, and if the status quo is you being resident parent with a support network, then that's what will stay. Plenty of kids do well in the state system, the courts don't look down on them.

SpaceRaiders · 16/08/2023 14:33

Op perhaps suggest a compromise? I would put to ex that dc goes to the state primary where you currently live until Y6 with the option remaining open senior. At which point you move 15/20 minutes in the direction of the school meaning Dc could get the school bus in each morning.

Dragonwindow · 16/08/2023 14:47

I'm a big fan of private schooling in general for many reasons (I've worked in independent schools for almost 20 years)

But at the age of 3 (3!) nothing is as important as a strong healthy relationship with his mum (ideally he would have a strong relationship with both parents, but this isn't always possible if the nrp is being a dick).

Keep local for the time being. Reassess at 11.

WedRine · 16/08/2023 14:51

Anoooshka · 16/08/2023 14:03

Does your kid go to a local nursery or daycare? If not, put them in one now. Or at least sign him up for something that can start when he is three. It would be better if it's a nursery attached to a good state school so that your DS can stay with his friends. The courts move incredibly slowly, and you should do everything you can to put down roots where you live.

A relative of mine is going through the same thing right now. The whole thing has lasted for about 2 years and cost tens of thousands of pounds. If you cannot agree on a school, the court can order you to choose a school that is halfway between where you live and your ex lives (not common, but it has happened). It is far better to go to mediation. Court should be the last resort.

This is excellent advice. Definitely follow it re: putting down roots.For what it's worth, OP, when me and my ex got divorced and I got a job in a rough part of Manchester where DD would be going to daycare, but ex wanted to keep her in her private pre prep in SW London. The courts decided in my favour as roots and support were more important than the type of school. I've also been an examiner for a subject predominantly taught in private and grammar schools, and this has taught me that in areas where there are not loads of private schools clumped together, ergo lots of competition, the quality of the education can be hit-and-miss. I would certainly not move house specifically for a private school if you have decent state schools in the area.

AccountantMum · 16/08/2023 14:54

Do you think the school would be better for your son? I would keep an open mind and consider which school is better for your son and the reasons why, it's a generous offer.

Obviously you would like him to be with you more - and his dad would like him to be with him more however if you think the opportunity that can be given to him is better it's probably worth trying to accommodate it.

Is there a reason why your son should live with you most of the time over spending more time with their dad - if you were 50/50 a 1 hour drive a few times a week may not undoable if you thought the school was better? I don't think the dad's suggestion should be discounted just because he currently spends more time with you. Private schools often have longer school holidays too, and buses which come further out from school.

1 Hour isn't that far away if you moved halfway between you could be 30 mins from school and 30 mins from family if you thought it was the better option.

My daughter got the chance to move to a good private school in year 3 and it has been amazing for her - but being a private school doesn't make a school automatically better there will be good and bad schools both private and state I would research the school and see what it can offer your son above what he would be getting at your local school.

dawngreen · 16/08/2023 14:55

What happens if they can no longer pay for a private school? Will they expect you to pay or look bad moving schools again? I feel its more about control.