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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants to send son to private school away from me

201 replies

Rosiekate1 · 16/08/2023 09:26

My DS is 2 and a half. I'm divorced from his dad. DS lives with me majority of the time (with dad for 2 nights). The two homes are 1hr away from each other.

His dad wants to send him to a private school when he turns 3 (the ‘pre prep’) for 2 morning sessions a week. He already takes DS to a stay and play session there weekly for an hour and a half.

I know it will be my Ex's father whole will pay for the fees, as Ex only just scrapes by (Ex's father pays towards his mortgage and living costs, as revealed in Form E of divorce. Ex H also kept marital home as father owned half of it)

Ex wants DS to live with him most of the time and go to school there. The private school is a 5-10 min drive from his house. An hour from mine.

I can't afford private school. I can't afford a house at the moment (DS and I living with my parents since he was 6 months old) I am saving like crazy to buy. Divorce resulted in Ex keeping marital home due father owning half.

I would prefer my son to go to one of the local state schools to our house (all very good).

I think Court is likely the only way to resolve the schooling issue, as Ex is unlikely to agree to a school near me.

So my question is AIBU to want to send my son to a local state school over a private school? My mum guilt screams ‘yes’, how could I deny my son that opportunity?

I don’t want to live ‘miles away’ from my son’s school and the ‘life’ he will develop there, so I would move back to Ex’s area (if I can afford it after possible court fees) But then I am away from my family, current mum friends and life I have developed here. I get extremely home sick hence for the break down of the marriage. I am emotional I know this, and I am currently having counselling to resolve anxiety.

I know my Ex would also not want to live ‘miles’ away from his son’s school and life, hence the jostle about the schools.

What would you do? Choose the private school and move back? Or dig your heals in, go to court for the local state school?

My sons is obviously too young to express is his opinion yet otherwise I’d just ask him!

Thanks.

OP posts:
FlamingoQueen · 16/08/2023 12:35

I think fil is just as controlling as your ex. He obviously thinks that money buys him power, but it doesn’t. As neither of you can afford a private school then don’t worry about it. What if fil passes away whilst ds is at private school,if ex inherits but then blows the money? This may be extreme but I think you need to be in control of your dc’s life.

Soontobe60 · 16/08/2023 12:39

This isn’t about your DS attending. ‘Pre prep’ school, it’s about your ex getting your ds living with him.
State school is perfectly OK. Paying for private education is elitist. You don’t always get what you pay for! In your case, your DS needs to maintain the life he currently has, that means seeing his daddy 2 days a week.
You are perfectly able to apply to your local school, you don’t need his permission, as you are the main carer.

Mindymomo · 16/08/2023 12:41

Firstly, you need to visit the school to decide if it’s what you, your ex and your child want. Also who is going to pay for all the extras that comes with private schooling, uniforms, trips, extra curriculum activities etc., Personally unless you think you have a child who you want to excel at a particular subject, then state schools are perfectly acceptable. I’ve asked my adult son would he have liked to have gone to a private school where he may have got a better education and he said he would have hated it. He did really well at both school and university.

Soontobe60 · 16/08/2023 12:41

Rob3bob · 16/08/2023 12:27

Not all private schools are better than state.Find out more about the private school.

My daughter’s going to an independent school. We visited the 5 we have locally and some schools were dire. Before you make a decision about which school would be the best fit for your son go and visit it first.

If you like the private school then obtain legal advice on what you need to do to ensure your sons fees are secure and he won’t end up leaving in a few years

And how is she going to manage her DS having an hour’s journey before and after school each day? Do you think that’s suitable for a 4 year old? Because I certainly don’t.

Winter2020 · 16/08/2023 12:45

Hi OP,
I would give a firm no to the private school.

Neither you or your ex has the funds. To pay for the school you will be entirely dependent on the good will of a third party and that goodwill could be withdrawn at any time. You will be breaking your heart if you have to move your child from a school they love and friends because the funding is withdrawn or runs out. You will be stressed when Grandad says he pays enough and you should pay for the uniform/cricket kit/school trip.

Also your son lives with you and you don’t live near the school or want to live near it.

Surely no court in the land could make a court order for a child to go to a school that the funds are not available for/only available for when Grandad is in the right mood.

You won’t be doing your son any favours sending him to a school you can’t afford that damages the most important relationship in his life - you his mum and main carer. He is usually only with his dad two days.

Greyarea12 · 16/08/2023 12:49

What would you do? Choose the private school and move back? Or dig your heals in, go to court for the local state school?

I wouldn't uproot mine and my childs life, leave my family and my friends or any friends my child has made unless there was massive benefits to it. I would point blank state no. If he wanted to take it to court, I would take my chances. I don't see the court agreeing to uproot you & your child to fulfill his dad's wishes. Someone suggested a school within 30 mins distance from each of you. With all due respect, it's not about yous, its about your child and being in school 30 mins away from his home is not of much benefit to him when it comes to making & socialising with his school friends outside of school hours and in holidays. I would absolutely dig my heels in and I wouldn't be going back and forth on the issue if I already knew that it wasn't an option from my side.

Flowerpowera7 · 16/08/2023 12:50

Private schools is no better than public school. At this age your child needs you to regulate their emotions more than anything. Money cant buy everything. Build a case to stay where you are. Local playgroups, friends, family support, emotional stability, developing soft skills. Stay strong💪

Flowerpowera7 · 16/08/2023 12:53

You can also say that maybe later when he can express himself. But dont have to say that as its 50/50. Right now too big change for a child surroundings.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 16/08/2023 12:55

Both my DC went to private school from 4 so I have no philosophical objection but I would not accept this proposal.
Your DC’s best interests are about so much more than schooling at such a young age. This does feel more like an attempt to exert control by your ex’s father. What guarantees do you have that he will continue funding the school in the long run? If he finds a year or two then stops your DC will already have built up connections on the area and spent significant periods in your ex’s custody which could make any subsequent renegotiation of arrangements difficult.

Duchessofspace · 16/08/2023 12:56

3pm · 16/08/2023 09:43

Why do you assume the court would choose the private school? Honestly OP, some private schools are amazing, but some are really not. I think, in the early years, it makes very little difference (I say that as someone whose kids were in preps from age 4). All they need at that age is a happy place with friends.,

Also, what do you know about this FIL? Are you sure he'll be able to commit to paying fees for the next 12 years (which will increase hugely by secondary level)? What if you ex has more kids during this period? Or what if you do? Would you be happy with kids in different schools?

Court would absolutely not choose private school - in fact highly likely not. What happens if FIL stops paying or goes in a care home?

why can’t the FIL use the morning for state school and enrichment.

Assets might be with his parents but likely to come to him in due course - then he has house - all paid for, no CMS to you, his son 100% of the time etc it’s win win for him isn’t it? What do you get? To pay CMS to your son and every other weekend is that what you want?

Gh12345 · 16/08/2023 13:03

I wouldn’t do it. I don’t get the buzz about private schools, the only people I know who went are not the nicest. I think you may be giving them the control if you do this

horseyhorsey17 · 16/08/2023 13:04

Of course you're not being unreasonable. Your ex husband is a spoiled man baby whose parents are bailing him out of his divorce and effectively trying to buy full custody of your son. F* that.

BeenThereDoneThat101 · 16/08/2023 13:05

OP a court is highly unlikely to give your ex residency based on what is essentially a preschool. However, if you agree to him going to this pre-prep the courts could well argue that it is in your DS’ best interests to live there when he gets to primary because he’s established friendships there, etc.

This isn’t about private school, this is about your ex using underhanded tactics to gain residency.

And aside from all that, don’t forget that if your DS goes to live there you will also be expected to pay maintenance, do you really want your DS eOW, because 50/50 won’t happen if his school is an hour away.

It would be happening over my dead body and I would just say no. I wouldn’t offer up any opinion, I would tell him that DS lives with you and so he won’t be going. If he wants to go to court then let him crack on, but at this point the courts aren’t going to be interested.

BoohooWoohoo · 16/08/2023 13:06

If FIL passed away and ex inherits everything, do you trust ex to continue paying fees ?

horseyhorsey17 · 16/08/2023 13:08

OP - I am worried you're even considering this, when it's clearly a ploy to get custody of your son. Please don't do this.

BrawnWild · 16/08/2023 13:08

No way would I be putting myself in a position to line ex up as resident parent.

You let your child go to that pre prep nursery and in 2 years your ex will convince you to send him fully private because "it's best for your son, he has friends there" and then seek a court agreement to be resident parent.

Your son doesnt need a fancy pre prep. Take the early years funding and stay local. Your housing situation is temporary.

Maray1967 · 16/08/2023 13:09

KitchenSinkLlama · 16/08/2023 09:48

Why do you think court will chose private school? I can't see any reason for that. He is a toddler going to a play session, he isn't a teenager who is established in a school.

They are not going to remove a young child from his primary carer unless there are significant issues (this isn't one).

Show quote history

Surely this is right. If I were you, I would make sure he’s going to a playgroup/nursery setting/library story time etc near you, and build up those community links. My child would definitely go to a school near me, not an hour away. It seems to me that your ex and his family are trying to take your child away from you.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 16/08/2023 13:10

OP, here are my thoughts. First things first I’d contact the grandfather and set up time to meet with him away from your ex and get the full story on the help being offered.

  • What does this help mean? Fees, uniforms, trips, etc.
  • Does he have the means and is he going to commit to paying for the entirety of your child’s schooling.
  • Would he be willing to set aside the money now in a fund with stipulations that it can only be used for school fees and related expenses
  • Is he willing to update will for funds?
  • etc
  • What else is he willing to do to facilitate this. £ for you to move closer? (More on this later)
  • What happens if your DC fails to thrive at this school what are the provisions for an alternative? Who (in the grandfather’s eyes) makes that decision
  • what happens if ex decides to move away from the area (yes it’s unlikely if someone else is bankrolling him)
  • Is he still willing to pay fees if entrance is delayed until DC is older?
  • And anything else you may want to know.

I would approach this as a discovery exercise and set aside the ‘oh shit reaction that I’m sure you have right now. Find out what grandfather is willing and able to do. Make him be willing to commit to the financial support up front and without strings and legally. Explain that while it’s a generous offer your concerned about starting this arrangement while things like custody and coparenting arrangements are still being worked out. And be upfront that your uncomfortable with the offer but are willing to listen and think about.

Once you have the full story from the grandfather you can then think through your options. Which can include a delayed start, a different school closer to you, a full ‘No’, and anything else in between. In essence start from a position of what’s on the table. You may be surprised what grandfather is willing to do. Including money for you to move closer (but still close enough to your support system) to make the custody change a moot point.

At any point in this discovery period you are still able to say no, but you might as well find out where grandfather is coming from. And it would appear that grandfather is going to a prominent person in your DC’s life so you might as well establish a relationship with him outside of your ex now on your own.

BoohooWoohoo · 16/08/2023 13:11

When parents have 50/50, the parent with more weekdays is normally the one who gets to put their address on school applications. Make sure that you have at least 50% of weekdays.

I think your ex is trying to lay the groundwork for him having majority custody. I would allow him to pick a pre prep until Reception but if he wants 50% after that then it's on him to move closer to you so that he can do the school run.

I wouldn't assume that courts will side with him. Find out more about your local schools and insist on applying for reception using your address. His father will undoubtedly pay for legal help but your son is part of your local community and would benefit from a local school. Most kids attend state schools and no court would say that they were unacceptable.

MintJulia · 16/08/2023 13:12

Videogame0 · 16/08/2023 09:38

Sorry crossed post. What about in your neighbourhood? Is there one there?

But I don’t think the court would choose private school necessarily. Your son living in an area with wider family and family friends and a happy local community is more important than a private school, in my opinion.

Show quote history

This.

BoohooWoohoo · 16/08/2023 13:12

Lots of people use 2 settings for nursery aged kids. In your shoes I would enrol him in settings local to you on your days.

MoreThanEnoughSoFar · 16/08/2023 13:13

My mum guilt screams ‘yes’, how could I deny my son that opportunity?
I think I would feel guilty if I sent a 3YO away to a private school and the rest of the time to in-laws who clearly feel they can buy a child. If this was a 13YO, I could understand it, but who in their right mind think a 3YO will get anything out of losing contact with his Mummy? What drops of wisdom could a private school provide a child this young? And no, having parents with money does not make your ex a better parent in the eyes of the law, so why are you worried?

horseyhorsey17 · 16/08/2023 13:14

saltinesandcoffeecups · 16/08/2023 13:10

OP, here are my thoughts. First things first I’d contact the grandfather and set up time to meet with him away from your ex and get the full story on the help being offered.

  • What does this help mean? Fees, uniforms, trips, etc.
  • Does he have the means and is he going to commit to paying for the entirety of your child’s schooling.
  • Would he be willing to set aside the money now in a fund with stipulations that it can only be used for school fees and related expenses
  • Is he willing to update will for funds?
  • etc
  • What else is he willing to do to facilitate this. £ for you to move closer? (More on this later)
  • What happens if your DC fails to thrive at this school what are the provisions for an alternative? Who (in the grandfather’s eyes) makes that decision
  • what happens if ex decides to move away from the area (yes it’s unlikely if someone else is bankrolling him)
  • Is he still willing to pay fees if entrance is delayed until DC is older?
  • And anything else you may want to know.

I would approach this as a discovery exercise and set aside the ‘oh shit reaction that I’m sure you have right now. Find out what grandfather is willing and able to do. Make him be willing to commit to the financial support up front and without strings and legally. Explain that while it’s a generous offer your concerned about starting this arrangement while things like custody and coparenting arrangements are still being worked out. And be upfront that your uncomfortable with the offer but are willing to listen and think about.

Once you have the full story from the grandfather you can then think through your options. Which can include a delayed start, a different school closer to you, a full ‘No’, and anything else in between. In essence start from a position of what’s on the table. You may be surprised what grandfather is willing to do. Including money for you to move closer (but still close enough to your support system) to make the custody change a moot point.

At any point in this discovery period you are still able to say no, but you might as well find out where grandfather is coming from. And it would appear that grandfather is going to a prominent person in your DC’s life so you might as well establish a relationship with him outside of your ex now on your own.

No. Don't do any of this. There is no guarantee whatsoever that you will be told the truth.

It's just not worth the risk of going along with any of this, as the OP could end up losing custody of her son AND paying CMS to her ex.

OoopsOhNo · 16/08/2023 13:15

I think this is a strategic move from your ex and his family to attempt to shift custody. Say no.

MeridianB · 16/08/2023 13:17

At face value, this feels like snobbery at best or attempting to buy or blackmail your child from you at worst.

I agree with PP that a private school would not be a deciding factor in court. Would recommend getting some initial legal advice if you can, so you know your rights and can approach mediation or similar from an informed position.