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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

who is being unreasonable? new job and children

692 replies

interestingly8 · 16/08/2023 07:27

Would like to keep this unbiased if possible.

Sarah and Ben have two children together and are separated. Ben is now married to Claire (B&C also now have young children of their own).

S&Bs children stay with B&C 2 nights one week and 3 the next currently. The week with 3 nights is over the weekend and the week with 2 is during the week.

Ben works, Claire is a SAHM and Sarah has been studying for the past number of years around her part time job.

Sarah has now qualified and is beginning a new job which will involve shift work meaning the her and Ben's children's normal contact schedule will need to change and follow Sarah's shift patterns rather than set days that they now have. This will inc upping contact to 3 nights every week whilst Sarah works. Ben is saying this is not possible as he's already arranged his work around the schedule they have had for years and cannot change this dependant on Sarah's shifts for that week. He has agreed to up contact to 3 nights per week but has said these must be set days.

Sarah has suggested Claire help if Ben is not around on one of the days, Claire has said no and agrees with Ben the contact schedule should remain the same as its what everyone has worked around for years Inc the children.

Who is being unreasonable?

Sarah for saying contact needs to follow her shifts instead of being set from now on and if Ben can't do that maybe Claire could help out. YANBU

Ben and Claire for insisting contact should follow the same schedule as normal and be set, not change week by week (although they do agree to up to 3 nights per week). YABU

OP posts:
Baconisdelicious · 16/08/2023 07:31

It's not the new partner's responsibility to step in and sort the issue

Shift work is complex for single parents. What are her childcare options?

Gizlotsmum · 16/08/2023 07:31

Sarah needs to sort childcare around her shifts, no problem with her asking Ben and Claire but as it is Sarah who wants to change arrangements she has no right to demand Claire takes on extra childcare, yes it would have been nice if the flex was there but it sounds like it was already arranged around Sarah and it works for Ben and Claire. They have agreed to an extra night so Sarah needs to sort out childcare when the schedule doesn’t work for her

Caprisunny · 16/08/2023 07:31

So Sarah got this job and assumed her exs partner would pick up the slack?

StaySpicy · 16/08/2023 07:32

I think probably Sarah. Shift work with no set pattern can be tricky in any family, let alone it impacting a family the worker doesn't even live with. I think it's better for everyone to know when the children are coming and going from week to week, rather than it constantly changing, especially the kids.

It's unfortunate for Sarah, but it's not Ben and Claire's job to facilitate childcare for her.

Simonjt · 16/08/2023 07:33

The person who takes a job with different hours needs to source appropriate childcare, it isn’t the job of the other parent to change days etc. Just like if someone moves away, the mover should be responsible for travel arrangements and costs.

Sirzy · 16/08/2023 07:34

Sarah can’t just decide on a new schedule to fit her. Both parents having set days means it’s up yo Sarah to find suitable childcare on her days and Ben on his.

fruitbrewhaha · 16/08/2023 07:34

Sarah is BU

Original poster
interestingly8 · 16/08/2023 07:35

For context Ben and Sarah's children are 7 & 11. Ben and Claires are 18months and 3. They have been together since youngest of B&S's children was 2.

OP posts:
Justcantsleep · 16/08/2023 07:36

@StaySpicy
I agree with this… consistency is key for children and I think unfair on them if their routine is all over the place and they don’t know where they are going from one week to the next. Just because Claire is a SAHM doesn’t mean that she should be Sarah’s childcare plan too!

YouJustDoYou · 16/08/2023 07:36

StaySpicy · 16/08/2023 07:32

I think probably Sarah. Shift work with no set pattern can be tricky in any family, let alone it impacting a family the worker doesn't even live with. I think it's better for everyone to know when the children are coming and going from week to week, rather than it constantly changing, especially the kids.

It's unfortunate for Sarah, but it's not Ben and Claire's job to facilitate childcare for her.

This. Shift work is so, so tricky to work around when children are involved, and taking up a job with such unknown hours and expecting everyone else to work around that isn't viable.

otherhalves · 16/08/2023 07:37

I'd just like to know if the OP is Ben, Sarah or Claire. 😂

YouJustDoYou · 16/08/2023 07:38

Simonjt · 16/08/2023 07:33

The person who takes a job with different hours needs to source appropriate childcare, it isn’t the job of the other parent to change days etc. Just like if someone moves away, the mover should be responsible for travel arrangements and costs.

Yes, this. Sarah can't just expect suddenly everyone else to accommodate her.

PinkPlantCase · 16/08/2023 07:38

interestingly8 · 16/08/2023 07:35

For context Ben and Sarah's children are 7 & 11. Ben and Claires are 18months and 3. They have been together since youngest of B&S's children was 2.

I don’t think this makes any difference. Sarah either needs to fix her shifts to the set nights that Ben has the children or find alternative childcare. It isn’t Claire’s responsibility.

Perhaps in an emergency situation it would be nice if Claire helped Sarah out but not as on ongoing arrangement.

TriciaMcMillan · 16/08/2023 07:38

otherhalves · 16/08/2023 07:37

I'd just like to know if the OP is Ben, Sarah or Claire. 😂

Clearly Claire!

isthewashingdryyet · 16/08/2023 07:38

Sarah is the unreasonable one

Vault687 · 16/08/2023 07:38

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ArcticSkewer · 16/08/2023 07:39

It's great for the kids and the shiftworker if nights with the other parent can be arranged around shift pattern, but it's not obligatory to accept that and a lot of people wouldn't. All part of the give and take. Ben doesn't have to agree if he doesn't want to, or feels their co-parenting benefits from a more rigid approach.
Claire has no role here

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 16/08/2023 07:40

It’s not Clair’s problem. But Ben sounds like a shit dad.

Rainallnight · 16/08/2023 07:40

otherhalves · 16/08/2023 07:37

I'd just like to know if the OP is Ben, Sarah or Claire. 😂

Me too! It’s very well written, I really can’t tell

LemonLimeDivine · 16/08/2023 07:40

This is not Claire’s responsibility AT ALL

Goldbar · 16/08/2023 07:41

Slightly different perspective.

Sarah presumably now has a chance of giving her and Ben's kids together a substantially higher standard of living in the past. Ben is being selfish and putting their kids' interests last in refusing to discuss how they could make it work.

I agree Claire shouldn't have to care for her stepkids alone, but Ben and Sarah should come to an arrangement which allows Sarah to have a full career just like Ben does. It might mean not this job, but another job, or Ben contributes towards extra childcare, but Sarah should be able to work full-time too. Ben needs to engage with Sarah so they both have a chance of a good career... he's the kids' parent too.

Sirzy · 16/08/2023 07:41

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 16/08/2023 07:40

It’s not Clair’s problem. But Ben sounds like a shit dad.

Why? Because he won’t change his work pattern to suit his ex?

Aprilx · 16/08/2023 07:41

It is nothing to do with Claire, this is to do with Ben and Sarah only. I think Ben should have the children as often as he can up to 50% but I think it is reasonable of him to want set days. It is Sarah that needs to sort her formal child minding out around her shift work and unreasonable to expect Ben effectively deals with this for her.

larlypops · 16/08/2023 07:41

When me and my husband split I had to get a new job because at the time I worked nights and he didn’t want to sit in my house 3 nights a week because he’d moved out of town and would need to get to his own job before I finished my shift.
I had to find a job that worked more for me and he doesn’t cover any of my childcare

Goldbar · 16/08/2023 07:41

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 16/08/2023 07:40

It’s not Clair’s problem. But Ben sounds like a shit dad.

Agree. This job would presumably have huge material benefits for the kids' standard of living.

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