who is being unreasonable? new job and children

[interestingly8]

Would like to keep this unbiased if possible.

Sarah and Ben have two children together and are separated. Ben is now married to Claire (B&C also now have young children of their own).

S&Bs children stay with B&C 2 nights one week and 3 the next currently. The week with 3 nights is over the weekend and the week with 2 is during the week.

Ben works, Claire is a SAHM and Sarah has been studying for the past number of years around her part time job.

Sarah has now qualified and is beginning a new job which will involve shift work meaning the her and Ben's children's normal contact schedule will need to change and follow Sarah's shift patterns rather than set days that they now have. This will inc upping contact to 3 nights every week whilst Sarah works. Ben is saying this is not possible as he's already arranged his work around the schedule they have had for years and cannot change this dependant on Sarah's shifts for that week. He has agreed to up contact to 3 nights per week but has said these must be set days.

Sarah has suggested Claire help if Ben is not around on one of the days, Claire has said no and agrees with Ben the contact schedule should remain the same as its what everyone has worked around for years Inc the children.

Who is being unreasonable?

Sarah for saying contact needs to follow her shifts instead of being set from now on and if Ben can't do that maybe Claire could help out. YANBU

Ben and Claire for insisting contact should follow the same schedule as normal and be set, not change week by week (although they do agree to up to 3 nights per week). YABU

YANBU. It’s not your job to look after your stepchildren to facilitate their mother’s new job. It would be nice if your DH could be a bit more accommodating if possible, but their mother should’ve thought about and discussed all of this before taking a job that involved shift work.

Sarah is BU expecting to change the arrangement that’s been in place. If it was reversed, would she be as accommodating? And no, it’s not for Claire to pick up the slack.

So which one are you, OP?

100%!

Claire doesn't need to change her life to accommodate the husbands ex wife's new job. Expecting that is very unreasonable.

Contact schedules shouldn't be based on someone's shift patterns now, the person who's changed jobs needs to make it work out on their end - not foist the problem over the fence.

Well done to Sarah for completing her study and qualifying but I don't think it's Ben and Claire's place to have to work around her every week if it doesn't work for them. Of course Ben has a responsibility to his first two children - but just as much, he also has a responsibility to his new family.
I think that Sarah should have thought about this before she committed to a long period of study for a job that was always going to be difficult where childcare is concerned.

While it’s not the ex’s or the new wife’s responsibility to work around Sarah’s shifts it is his responsibility to parent his children for more than 2 days a week.
The other children are irrelevant, he doesn’t stop becoming a father because he has had children with a new woman.

Sarah needs childcare. This isn't Claires responsibility at all.

Sarah is the unreasonable one for presuming everything would slot around her shift work. She'll have to find some kind of childcare for 'her' days with the dc, or find a job that doesn't involve shifts.

Yes it's Sarah's responsibility to find childcare but as the kids dad, a bit of understanding and flexibility wouldn't hurt. I'm guessing she's retrained as a nurse? It's not unreasonable for the kids to go to 50/50 either.

The OP is clearly Claire

did Ben and. Katie consider over the years that Sarah was studying, that she was studying for a shift based job? Was any conversation had between Ben and Sarah about him covering more childcare once she’d qualified?

had Ben and Claire discussed what would happen if Sarah - for whatever reason - stopped wanting to be the primary caregiver?

Can Ben and Sarah between them pay for childcare on the extra day with Ben picking up dsc and bringing them home after he finishes work?

He has basically left all the parenting to Sarah. He has the ability to spend more time with his kids and help his ex out but it doesn’t suit him.

It’s nothing to do with Claire at all, she doesn’t even need mentioned as part of the tale

He has agreed to increase contact dates.

I am guessing Sarah won’t want Ben to be the primary carer. But I think 50:50 would be better for both.

But that doesn’t impact that Sarah doesn’t want set days

This. If ex wanted to help, that’s fine, but it can’t just be presumed

There was a case in the papers a few years ago where the ex-wife of a police man was forced by the court to accommodate her husband's changing shift patterns.

Funny because when this is the other way round, most comments on MN are that the father should sort it out.

She has probably been working around him why can't he work around her?

5 nights out of 14 isn’t exactly leaving him to do all of parenting and we know nothing of the normal day to day routine to comment either way.

but to expect everyone to change everything to fit around her new job Sarah is being unreasonable. She is also taking away the routine and stability of the children.

now if Ben and Claire and can help with some of the extra then great but that can’t just be announced as happening. If both parents are in work then it is up the the parent who normally has responsibility for the children at that time to find suitable childcare.

Ben should be trying to find a way to make it work rather than just saying 'nothing will change'. He could have them overnight more unless he works away for example. It's to the benefit of his kids if his mum has a better career, more money etc even if it does involve shift work. That doesn't mean his new wife should pick up the slack in his absence though. Claire should have probably spoken to him about the logistics whilst she was studying.

The children aren’t just the responsibility of the mother. If the dad wanted a job with shifts I can guarantee he would be wanting a change and just telling the mother that he can’t have them. It’s very frustrating they aren’t willing to be flexible and help out. I’m a single parent and getting a job with shifts would never have worked for me when I had young kids. I guess mum was hoping her ex would help out and didn’t discuss all of this beforehand. Is there anyone else who can help? I think if not she might have to rethink job options which is annoying if for example it’s nursing she was studying and nearly all jobs are shifts. I’d have assumed no-one would spend years studying for something with shifts and not discuss childcare options.

When is it the other way around? The mother is doing 75% of the parenting across the month.

Sarah is being unreasonable

Did Sarah, discuss her plan with Ben over the years she was studying? Did she think about how it would work?

Why would Ben and Claire discuss his exa career plans if she has never told Ben what she is expecting when she qualified?

Why would Ben for childcare when it’s not his day?

Sarah doesn’t want to give up being primary carer as far as we know so it’s irrelevant.

I would say the OP is Claire but I think Sarah is BU.

Choosing a job with irregular shift patterns is difficult enough when you have a partner. Expecting your ex partner and his wife to accommodate is U - it significantly impacts their lives and is too big an ask.

I am guessing you are Claire?

Sarah is bu. It’s great that she has a new job, but it’s very unfair to just expect another family to take up the slack! I know it’s her dc’s dad, but if there is already an arrangement in place (that sounds like it worked) then she can’t expect her EX hubby to rearrange his life to suit her.
If it was the other way round and either ex or Claire that had a new job, Sarah wouldn’t change everything in her life to accommodate them!