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AIBU?

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Original poster

who is being unreasonable? new job and children

692 replies

interestingly8 · 16/08/2023 07:27

Would like to keep this unbiased if possible.

Sarah and Ben have two children together and are separated. Ben is now married to Claire (B&C also now have young children of their own).

S&Bs children stay with B&C 2 nights one week and 3 the next currently. The week with 3 nights is over the weekend and the week with 2 is during the week.

Ben works, Claire is a SAHM and Sarah has been studying for the past number of years around her part time job.

Sarah has now qualified and is beginning a new job which will involve shift work meaning the her and Ben's children's normal contact schedule will need to change and follow Sarah's shift patterns rather than set days that they now have. This will inc upping contact to 3 nights every week whilst Sarah works. Ben is saying this is not possible as he's already arranged his work around the schedule they have had for years and cannot change this dependant on Sarah's shifts for that week. He has agreed to up contact to 3 nights per week but has said these must be set days.

Sarah has suggested Claire help if Ben is not around on one of the days, Claire has said no and agrees with Ben the contact schedule should remain the same as its what everyone has worked around for years Inc the children.

Who is being unreasonable?

Sarah for saying contact needs to follow her shifts instead of being set from now on and if Ben can't do that maybe Claire could help out. YANBU

Ben and Claire for insisting contact should follow the same schedule as normal and be set, not change week by week (although they do agree to up to 3 nights per week). YABU

OP posts:
Marchitectmummy · 16/08/2023 08:22

Sarah is in the wrong. Ben and Clare would need to set their own routine not be dictated by Sarah. What if Sarah changes job again they would need to change again.

Clare may have a brilliant relationship with the children however the children visit in tbe first instance to spend time with their father, not to be babysat by Clare at the convenience of Sarah.

However if they have a good relationship and happen to be able to help maybe they will on an ad hoc basis.

Prettypaisleyslippers · 16/08/2023 08:22

Sarah is unreasonable to expect everyone to work around her. Hope that helps.

single parent and shift work is incredibly difficult, has Sarah got family nearby? She needs to make arrangements for shift work or do a different role until the DC are older

MorningOclock · 16/08/2023 08:22

Sarah is BU, contact should be consistent days

AussieManque · 16/08/2023 08:23

@Cyllie33 I also think OP is Sarah!

KajsaKavat · 16/08/2023 08:23

I wanted to say Ben but I dont think he is. There needs to be set days and Claire shouldn’t pick up any slack that’s not fair.

FloweryName · 16/08/2023 08:24

Sarah doesn’t have the right to expect her exes plans to change just because she’s got the job she wants and she has even less right to expect the children’s step mum to do childcare for her.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 16/08/2023 08:24

Claire needs to be taken out of the equation altogether and Sarah is being unreasonable to suggest dumping her kids on her.

But Ben is also being a bit unreasonable to say no, nothing can change: is Sarah supposed to stay part time forever and keep contact the way it is to facilitate her ex’s career and lifestyle? She’s presumably studied and taken this job to better her career, finances and lifestyle for the children’s sake, not for lols. Ben must be doing all right if he can afford four children, a SAHM and an ex working only part-time. Perhaps he can dip into that to help his ex improve her lot to his level.

vivainsomnia · 16/08/2023 08:26

Sarah and Ben for not discussing much sooner. Sarah has been studying for years. She would have known it would result in a job that involved shifts. Why raise it only now?

Vermin · 16/08/2023 08:27

Yes. Ben has to at least part-fund the nanny who will be taking care of the half of his kids he doesn’t want to look after because it doesn’t suit Claire.

PuttingDownRoots · 16/08/2023 08:27

O feel sorry for Sarah. She can't win.

Shes worked around the children for most, if not all of their lives.
If she had arranged other childcare, she would be blasted for not letting their father spend time with them. Plus its her responsibility to pay for it.
Asks the father to pay, she's unreasonable.
Asks the SAHM... who can be a Sahm due to the father working, maybe longer hours, to help... shes not fair.

So really... they are all being unreasonable.

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 16/08/2023 08:27

spitefulandbadgrammar · 16/08/2023 08:24

Claire needs to be taken out of the equation altogether and Sarah is being unreasonable to suggest dumping her kids on her.

But Ben is also being a bit unreasonable to say no, nothing can change: is Sarah supposed to stay part time forever and keep contact the way it is to facilitate her ex’s career and lifestyle? She’s presumably studied and taken this job to better her career, finances and lifestyle for the children’s sake, not for lols. Ben must be doing all right if he can afford four children, a SAHM and an ex working only part-time. Perhaps he can dip into that to help his ex improve her lot to his level.

There is this as well. Ben has stretched himself extremely thin, which can only be to the detriment of his existing children - a whole new family is not cheap, especially when one of the adults in that family doesn't work, and will be impacting on what he can provide to the children he already had when he took up with Claire. I think he has been making decisions about his life without really considering the impact this would have on his children with Sarah, and having things largely his own way.

Wenfy · 16/08/2023 08:27

I think Sarah should go back to court and demand 50/50. Then Claire would be forced to look after all four of them as it seems they can’t afford childcare anyway. I hate it when men expect the ex to work and raise the kids with no help while subsidising the new woman - but legally 50/50 is the standard now.

arethereanyleftatall · 16/08/2023 08:27

The op is obviously Claire.

I'm divorced from my ex but I absolutely consider us still a team with regard to parenting our children. Decisions are joint.

Depends on the exact request, but Ben is possibly being an arse here. If they were still together, would he have any flexibility at work to accommodate the request, ti allow there to be more money in the pot for their children to enjoy more opportunities?

What are we talking here? Is it childcare at 2am or an extra hour on some days?

I think Sarah and Ben should have discussed how this would work before now.

How much maintenance does he pay?

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 16/08/2023 08:28

Wenfy · 16/08/2023 08:27

I think Sarah should go back to court and demand 50/50. Then Claire would be forced to look after all four of them as it seems they can’t afford childcare anyway. I hate it when men expect the ex to work and raise the kids with no help while subsidising the new woman - but legally 50/50 is the standard now.

50/50 won't help her with the shift work though, and isn't necessarily what's good for the children.

ItstimeToMoveagain · 16/08/2023 08:28

So Ben's agreed to have the dc 3 days a week now but wants set days. I don't see how that is unreasonable

Sarah shouldn't have retrained in something that requires shift work without making sure she had childcare

RantyAnty · 16/08/2023 08:28

Ben's a bit of a shit father for not stepping up more.

Not sure what Sarah was thinking training so long for a job that involves shift work when she has 2 young children.

yogasaurus · 16/08/2023 08:30

RantyAnty · 16/08/2023 08:28

Ben's a bit of a shit father for not stepping up more.

Not sure what Sarah was thinking training so long for a job that involves shift work when she has 2 young children.

Apparently she was just thinking that the new wife should sort her out. Twat

LakieLady · 16/08/2023 08:30

Sarah.

Shift work is difficult for parents generally, but especially so for single parents. It's even worse when the shift pattern varies from week to week and isn't consistent. Sarah should have discussed it with her ex and, if appropriate, with his new partner, before committing to the role.

Assuming or expecting that her ex's current partner would step up and fit in with her new working arrangements was, frankly, daft and rather smacks of entitlement to me.

YourNameGoesHere · 16/08/2023 08:32

50/50 won't help her with the shift work though, and isn't necessarily what's good for the children.

Exactly! It's all well and good posters saying he's a shit dad and he shouldn't have had more children etc but that's irrelevant. The current set schedule is in the best interests of the children he has with Sarah. He can change that if possible but altering the arrangement so it's not consistent is not sensible. Having set days is much fairer on the children and it's them that are important here.

DrSbaitso · 16/08/2023 08:32

It's Sarah's responsibility, but as the children's father who is supposed to be co parenting with their mother, I do think Ben is being a bit of a dick.

Vermin · 16/08/2023 08:33

Sarah looks to have been thinking of supporting herself / her kids all the way through- look at the age gaps. Sarah’s kids are spaced so that only one set of childcare fees needed to be paid before eldest was in school at end of 2nd maternity leave. She’s worked at least part time all along. Claire has popped her two out in very quick succession and from the information given has no intention of working. She doesn’t have to look after her husbands kids but should accept that this may mean less cash in the household as ben either steps up to look after his kids or pays part of the necessary child care.

FloweryName · 16/08/2023 08:33

RantyAnty · 16/08/2023 08:28

Ben's a bit of a shit father for not stepping up more.

Not sure what Sarah was thinking training so long for a job that involves shift work when she has 2 young children.

Why is Ben a shit father when he’s agreed to an extra night a week and is only saying no to revolving his life around his ex’s because of his own work shifts?

Agree that Sarah should have thought this through properly before she started training for a job that involves irregular shifts.

Sirzy · 16/08/2023 08:33

RantyAnty · 16/08/2023 08:28

Ben's a bit of a shit father for not stepping up more.

Not sure what Sarah was thinking training so long for a job that involves shift work when she has 2 young children.

He has offered to increase the number of night he has the children but he wants consistency in the schedule which is what is needed for the children more than anything else.

constantly moving from one place to another because of Mums shifts isn’t going to provide any stability

Goldbar · 16/08/2023 08:33

In any case, if the younger one is 7, Sarah only has a few more years until she'll be able to leave the children alone at home while she works.

Men expect women to fit in with their working arrangements the whole time.

Wenfy · 16/08/2023 08:33

yogasaurus · 16/08/2023 08:30

Apparently she was just thinking that the new wife should sort her out. Twat

Show quote history

Seems like the new wife has been in these kids lives since the youngest was 2. She’s a proper stepmum and is now a f/t housewife as Ben is subsidising their kids together. Of course Sarah would want Claire to look after the stepkids too. It makes sense for everyone.