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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

who is being unreasonable? new job and children

692 replies

interestingly8 · 16/08/2023 07:27

Would like to keep this unbiased if possible.

Sarah and Ben have two children together and are separated. Ben is now married to Claire (B&C also now have young children of their own).

S&Bs children stay with B&C 2 nights one week and 3 the next currently. The week with 3 nights is over the weekend and the week with 2 is during the week.

Ben works, Claire is a SAHM and Sarah has been studying for the past number of years around her part time job.

Sarah has now qualified and is beginning a new job which will involve shift work meaning the her and Ben's children's normal contact schedule will need to change and follow Sarah's shift patterns rather than set days that they now have. This will inc upping contact to 3 nights every week whilst Sarah works. Ben is saying this is not possible as he's already arranged his work around the schedule they have had for years and cannot change this dependant on Sarah's shifts for that week. He has agreed to up contact to 3 nights per week but has said these must be set days.

Sarah has suggested Claire help if Ben is not around on one of the days, Claire has said no and agrees with Ben the contact schedule should remain the same as its what everyone has worked around for years Inc the children.

Who is being unreasonable?

Sarah for saying contact needs to follow her shifts instead of being set from now on and if Ben can't do that maybe Claire could help out. YANBU

Ben and Claire for insisting contact should follow the same schedule as normal and be set, not change week by week (although they do agree to up to 3 nights per week). YABU

OP posts:
IForgotOurSong · 16/08/2023 08:10

I am Claire in this situation, nobody would ask me, Ben would agree to it and expect me to pick up the slack regardless. Sounds like Ben isn’t going to cater to his ex wife’s every whim which isn’t my experience of being a blended family. I do think it’s unreasonable to expect that Claire should do this though and I think Sarah should consider whether shift work is the right thing for her and her kids.

PragmaticWench · 16/08/2023 08:10

This is not Claire's problem to resolve.

Sarah should have discussed this with Ben before retraining for a job that requires shift work. This is mostly on her.

However, Ben has done much less parenting time for a number of years. He really could put in a flexible working request to his employer, as lots of parents have to do whether with their children's other parent or not. Sarah earning more money will benefit Ben's children overall so he would be churlish to not try and flex.

Naunet · 16/08/2023 08:10

SayingwhatIreallythink · 16/08/2023 08:05

I disagree with everyone and think Claire should help out. The children’s dad is supporting her ( presumably as she is a SAHM), so I feel part of that role should be to help with Ben’s children as well as their joint kids if required.

She probably does already help him out with their care, why does it mean having to be a free nanny at the exs demand when the dad doesn’t even want to change the days anyway? How would that even be helping him?!

LimeCheesecake · 16/08/2023 08:11

@WandaWonder - Sarah may well get less maintenance because Ben has had two more children with Claire.

xyz111 · 16/08/2023 08:11

I think the Op is Sarah 🤣

Yes in an ideal world Ben would try and be supportive. But I would imagine that's super rare. Sarah should have thought about how this would work before getting a new job. Does Sarah have family that could help?

Naunet · 16/08/2023 08:12

IForgotOurSong · 16/08/2023 08:10

I am Claire in this situation, nobody would ask me, Ben would agree to it and expect me to pick up the slack regardless. Sounds like Ben isn’t going to cater to his ex wife’s every whim which isn’t my experience of being a blended family. I do think it’s unreasonable to expect that Claire should do this though and I think Sarah should consider whether shift work is the right thing for her and her kids.

I hope you don’t end up doing it? It’s so disrespectful of your partner to do that to you, like he owns you and your time.

Willyoujustbequiet · 16/08/2023 08:13

It's not Claire's problem but Ben's attitude is crap.

People saying it can't change....of course it can. Family court doesn't expect lives not to change in 18 years. His work pattern does not trump Sarah's.

BibbleandSqwauk · 16/08/2023 08:13

Maybe Sarah should do what so many men do and see her kids EOW and one night in the week. Just assume that their other parent will do all the heavy lifting and she can go. on and progress her career, paying CMS and a bit extra for trips? According to many on here that would be perfectly standard and acceptable for an NRP.
I think the focus here should be more on the fact that the children have two parents and less on the "she's the ex spouse". RPs are so often shafted by having their working opportunities curtailed by childcare issues. This is the definition of a "blended" family and I think all 3 adults ought to be trying to give all 3 of them and 4 children the best possible options, not carving out lines of demarcation.

JanieEyre · 16/08/2023 08:14

In general, it's Sarah's problem. But would it really hurt Ben to try a bit harder to be supportive? It sounds like he has some autonomy over his work pattern, so if it is at all possible for Sarah to give him a bit of notice about her shifts it's just normal human consideration for him to do his best to accommodate that. After all, if they were still together that is presumably what he would have done.

BibbleandSqwauk · 16/08/2023 08:15

@IForgotOurSong it's not a "whim" to study for years and embark on a career. I get the point of your post but that's not what's under discussion here.

BellaJuno · 16/08/2023 08:15

Why are people assuming Ben is a shit dad? Sounds like he has the kids every other weekend and 2 nights a week which is pretty standard I thought. Plus it is entirely possible that was the maximum Sarah would agree to. There is also no info to explain why Sarah and Ben split in the first place but as always, posters are frothing at the mouth and filling in the blanks for themselves to paint him as the bad guy in the break up with no actual info from the OP to base this on.

HopelessBlue192 · 16/08/2023 08:15

Has Claire thought about what Ben's inflexible attitude might mean if she wants to work again?

The responses to this thread show one of the reasons we're losing emergency service workers where childcare is inflexible and unhelpful.

1967buglet · 16/08/2023 08:15

I think Ben and Claire could be a wee bit more flexible. Surely if Sarah spent her time and effort training for a career that involves shift work that would improve the living standards of the children, that ought to be considered a bit. Maybe Sarah ought to give Ben and Claire full custody of the kids, and enjoy her new career now that she can support herself. That might change Ben’s tune.

YourNameGoesHere · 16/08/2023 08:15

Willyoujustbequiet · 16/08/2023 08:13

It's not Claire's problem but Ben's attitude is crap.

People saying it can't change....of course it can. Family court doesn't expect lives not to change in 18 years. His work pattern does not trump Sarah's.

Well no one is saying he can never change his job etc but I don't know many jobs where someone could change their hours and days weekly to suit unpredictable shift work unless Ben was an agency worker or on a zero hours contract where he could turn down work.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 16/08/2023 08:16

The consensus is that Sarah is BU, the OP hasn't replied for a while so I'd assume she is Sarah 😁

Fairyliz · 16/08/2023 08:16

Goldbar · 16/08/2023 07:41

Slightly different perspective.

Sarah presumably now has a chance of giving her and Ben's kids together a substantially higher standard of living in the past. Ben is being selfish and putting their kids' interests last in refusing to discuss how they could make it work.

I agree Claire shouldn't have to care for her stepkids alone, but Ben and Sarah should come to an arrangement which allows Sarah to have a full career just like Ben does. It might mean not this job, but another job, or Ben contributes towards extra childcare, but Sarah should be able to work full-time too. Ben needs to engage with Sarah so they both have a chance of a good career... he's the kids' parent too.

I agree. Perhaps also Ben should have used contraception if he can’t afford to pay for a decent life for four children.
Claire should also have thought about the implications of having two children with a man who was already a father.

L1ttledrummergirl · 16/08/2023 08:16

Any parent or step parent who doesn't put the dc first is being unreasonable. This is a conversation that should have happened before Sarah retrained in a career that involved night shifts.

I think all the adults involved are being unreasonable.

WandaWonder · 16/08/2023 08:16

BellaJuno · 16/08/2023 08:15

Why are people assuming Ben is a shit dad? Sounds like he has the kids every other weekend and 2 nights a week which is pretty standard I thought. Plus it is entirely possible that was the maximum Sarah would agree to. There is also no info to explain why Sarah and Ben split in the first place but as always, posters are frothing at the mouth and filling in the blanks for themselves to paint him as the bad guy in the break up with no actual info from the OP to base this on.

Because he is male (no I do not agree with this thinking but it is unbelievably common on here)

Marwoodsbigbreak · 16/08/2023 08:19

Willyoujustbequiet · 16/08/2023 08:13

It's not Claire's problem but Ben's attitude is crap.

People saying it can't change....of course it can. Family court doesn't expect lives not to change in 18 years. His work pattern does not trump Sarah's.

Yeah I agree with this.

Claire is irrelevant here but Ben is being a bit of a shit not even trying to make it work.

Sarah will have to get alternative childcare, but the DC will know their dad couldn’t be arsed.

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 16/08/2023 08:19

Sirzy · 16/08/2023 07:48

5 nights out of 14 isn’t exactly leaving him to do all of parenting and we know nothing of the normal day to day routine to comment either way.

but to expect everyone to change everything to fit around her new job Sarah is being unreasonable. She is also taking away the routine and stability of the children.

now if Ben and Claire and can help with some of the extra then great but that can’t just be announced as happening. If both parents are in work then it is up the the parent who normally has responsibility for the children at that time to find suitable childcare.

Show quote history

I think we should all go and stand in our driveways and give ben a round of applause for doing the bare minimum.

Coronationstation · 16/08/2023 08:19

Sarah should have thought about this before training for, and taking, a job that involves shift work! Not Claire’s kids to pick up the slack.

Heronwatcher · 16/08/2023 08:20

What’s Ben’s job? How difficult would it be for him to accommodate the new shift pattern. How far do the parents live apart? For example the older child might be able to get themselves to dad’s and let themselves in. If Ben could do it with relative ease then I think he should, especially since it’s in everyone’s interests for Sarah to develop her career (especially the children’s’). I also think that Ben sounds like he should be doing more generally (2 days a week is very little) and if he can’t cope with one family plus work then he shouldn’t have had another.

If this goes to court Ben might find that the court a lot of sympathy with Sarah, and he may be forced to do more even if it means Ben looking at his own work pattern and making reasonable changes.

Agree though that this isn’t Claire’s problem to sort and just because she’s a SAHM she shouldn’t be the default childcare option.

IForgotOurSong · 16/08/2023 08:20

@BibbleandSqwauk I’m sorry, you’re right I’m just a bit bitter as I know that’s what would happen here and I’d be expected to pick up the slack which I would because I wouldn’t want step children to feel they were an inconvenience etc.

Vermin · 16/08/2023 08:20

Only one poster in four pages has focused on what’s best for the children, rather than what’s fair to Claire. (Ben needs to step up without it falling to Claire. Whether this is financial or by doing some school runs. The case involving the policeman is interesting - seems that police get shifts set out months in advance so ben and Sarah should be able to work things through on issue of shift patterns. Far harder if Sarah is a junior doctor / nurse (in which case choice of practice area is an important factor).

any mediatior / court is going to put the kids first so both ben and Sarah are going to have to come to the party. Am sure it will impact Claire’s life somehow but that’s what happens when you get together with a man who has a toddler and a baby.

Bemyclementine · 16/08/2023 08:20

Neither ABU, but Sarah can't assume she can change jobs and the others fit in with her.