Page 28 | who is being unreasonable? new job and children

interestingly8 · 2023-08-16T06:27:28+00:00

Would like to keep this unbiased if possible. Sarah and Ben have two children together and are separated. Ben is now married to Claire (B&C also now have young children of their own). S&Bs children stay with B&C 2 nights one week and 3 the next currently. The week with 3 nights is over the weekend and the week with 2 is during the week. Ben works, Claire is a SAHM and Sarah has been studying for the past number of years around her part time job. Sarah has now qualified and is beginning a new job which will involve shift work meaning the her and Ben's children's normal contact schedule will need to change and follow Sarah's shift patterns rather than set days that they now have. This will inc upping contact to 3 nights every week whilst Sarah works. Ben is saying this is not possible as he's already arranged his work around the schedule they have had for years and cannot change this dependant on Sarah's shifts for that week. He has agreed to up contact to 3 nights per week but has said these must be set days. Sarah has suggested Claire help if Ben is not around on one of the days, Claire has said no and agrees with Ben the contact schedule should remain the same as its what everyone has worked around for years Inc the children. Who is being unreasonable? Sarah for saying contact needs to follow her shifts instead of being set from now on and if Ben can't do that maybe Claire could help out. YANBU Ben and Claire for insisting contact should follow the same schedule as normal and be set, not change week by week (although they do agree to up to 3 nights per week). YABU

MichelleScarn · 19/08/2023 20:36

Kids are resilient and if they're not, they should be. Sarah should be allowed to do the best for herself and their kids. He needs to support this
So as long as Sarah is OK, stuff everyone else? They all need to work around her?

abs12 · 20/08/2023 00:42

Nope. But a little bit of support goes a long way. Asking for some predetermined flexibility is not an unreasonable ask, will not outrageously destroy Ben and Claire's lives, will not be detrimental to the kids. As we know, when mum flourishes, the kids benefit. I've seen it.

Backagain23 · 20/08/2023 06:48

abs12 · 20/08/2023 00:42

Nope. But a little bit of support goes a long way. Asking for some predetermined flexibility is not an unreasonable ask, will not outrageously destroy Ben and Claire's lives, will not be detrimental to the kids. As we know, when mum flourishes, the kids benefit. I've seen it.

They have offered exactly that, yet you have chosen to ignore this?
All they have said is that they won't be permanently on call to accommodate changing shifts, it must be a proper pattern so that they can plan theirs and their childrens lives too.
Sarah flourishing is not the most important thing to Ben and Claire. I know it's shocking but they have their own lives and children to consider too.

abs12 · 20/08/2023 07:18

Your sentiments make me want to call you Claire, or maybe Ben? They have not offered the flexibility required to kickstart Sarah's career. No, not their responsibility. However, as long as there is sufficient notice of shifts, the changes will barely register on Ben and Claire's daily lives. No wonder she ran.... The request is really not a big one so to deny it seems spiteful. And I feel for Sarah that her life is being controlled by some man who could not be less gracious.

Backagain23 · 20/08/2023 07:29

OP has said she's Sarah.
Her life is being controlled by her own choice to pursue a career that isn't family friendly.
It maybe would not be a big ask if Ben and Claire didn't also have their own jobs and young children to consider, but they do.
Even OP has admitted that she doesn't blame them for position on this at all.

Sirzy · 20/08/2023 07:46

abs12 · 20/08/2023 07:18

Your sentiments make me want to call you Claire, or maybe Ben? They have not offered the flexibility required to kickstart Sarah's career. No, not their responsibility. However, as long as there is sufficient notice of shifts, the changes will barely register on Ben and Claire's daily lives. No wonder she ran.... The request is really not a big one so to deny it seems spiteful. And I feel for Sarah that her life is being controlled by some man who could not be less gracious.

If anyone was being “controlling” it was Sarah expecting everyone else to work to her timetable. But earlier in in the thread she admitted that it was a big ask

CostelloJones · 20/08/2023 08:03

I’m quite surprised at the amount of people who seem to think Sarah is being Selfish and controlling. There was no harm in her asking.

lots of people basically saying “she is selfish to get a shift based job”…. Doctors/Nurses/factory workers/pilots/cabin crew/cage workers and more work shifts that can be all over the place and include overnight

Even if you work in retail there’s a degree of needed to be flexible shift wise.

her situation is not going to be unique amongst the thousands of workers that also work shifts and she’s not selfish for wanting to change jobs. It doesn’t sound like this is just on a whim.

I do think B&C were in their rights to say no but also agree that they probably could have managed it for a short while/been more gracious. The arrangement might suit them now, fair enough, but things do change.

If B&C need to change things in the future I hope Sarah makes it clear she doesn’t have to agree

CostelloJones · 20/08/2023 08:04

*care worker… dread to think of a “cage worker 😂

rookiemere · 20/08/2023 08:14

@CostelloJones it depends what your interpretation of gracious is.

They offered to increase the number of nights they had the DC but asked that it be a fixed pattern.

I can't see much of a half way house on this one. Presumably if Sarah starts on shifts, then that isn't going to change, so Claire not knowing what days or patterns she will have the SDC will continue.

If Sarah and Ben were still together it still would have been difficult to manage without additional flexible childcare. Claire is perfectly entitled to not want to be that.

Deathinvegas · 20/08/2023 10:48

TriciaMcMillan · 16/08/2023 07:38

Clearly Claire!

Show quote history

That’s interesting i thought it was definitely Sarah!

Deathinvegas · 20/08/2023 11:38

Ok i’ve read the update now, that it’s definitely Sarah, so i’m chuffed that I guessed correctly!
I’m going to go against the grain here and be team Sarah.
But then again I usually disagree with mumsnet.
Honestly, i don’t think the poor women is asking for much. Helping each other out in a blended family is a good thing.
IRL i’ve known lots of families who make arrangements like this work.
But if you ask anyone to do anything for you on mumsnet you’ll get called an AH.
Going forward Sarah probably needs to look for wrap around childcare, Ben and Clair can pay half.

Sux2buthen · 20/08/2023 11:48

Deathinvegas · 20/08/2023 11:38

Ok i’ve read the update now, that it’s definitely Sarah, so i’m chuffed that I guessed correctly!
I’m going to go against the grain here and be team Sarah.
But then again I usually disagree with mumsnet.
Honestly, i don’t think the poor women is asking for much. Helping each other out in a blended family is a good thing.
IRL i’ve known lots of families who make arrangements like this work.
But if you ask anyone to do anything for you on mumsnet you’ll get called an AH.
Going forward Sarah probably needs to look for wrap around childcare, Ben and Clair can pay half.

Ben and Claire don't need to pay childcare

MeetMyCat · 20/08/2023 12:00

Deathinvegas · 20/08/2023 11:38

Ok i’ve read the update now, that it’s definitely Sarah, so i’m chuffed that I guessed correctly!
I’m going to go against the grain here and be team Sarah.
But then again I usually disagree with mumsnet.
Honestly, i don’t think the poor women is asking for much. Helping each other out in a blended family is a good thing.
IRL i’ve known lots of families who make arrangements like this work.
But if you ask anyone to do anything for you on mumsnet you’ll get called an AH.
Going forward Sarah probably needs to look for wrap around childcare, Ben and Clair can pay half.

Seriously?!?

BarbieWorldFantastic · 20/08/2023 12:09

Deathinvegas · 20/08/2023 11:38

Ok i’ve read the update now, that it’s definitely Sarah, so i’m chuffed that I guessed correctly!
I’m going to go against the grain here and be team Sarah.
But then again I usually disagree with mumsnet.
Honestly, i don’t think the poor women is asking for much. Helping each other out in a blended family is a good thing.
IRL i’ve known lots of families who make arrangements like this work.
But if you ask anyone to do anything for you on mumsnet you’ll get called an AH.
Going forward Sarah probably needs to look for wrap around childcare, Ben and Clair can pay half.

Laughing you think B&C should pay for half childcare that they don’t need 😂

sweeneytoddsrazor · 20/08/2023 12:25

Why would Claire and Ben pay for half the childcare when they are happy to have the kids almost 50% of the time?

Lotus3 · 20/08/2023 12:54

Hang on. Making the assumption that Sarah had children before she started studying for the new job, she most likely knew this job would be shifts. Why was there not a dialogue with Ben about what expectations would be around the children after she qualified? She most likely had years to sort this out. Ben moved his entire job around to fit the arrangement; expecting him to just flip it round with no set week to week structure is unreasonable.

Claire saying no is also perfectly reasonable; she has young children herself and there is no reason for her to essentially provide free childcare without their dad being present.

I am struggling to think of a scenario where Sarah isn't at fault here. If you can't manage shifts with young children in a way that your ex-partner can support, don't take a shift job. Should have waited until kids were older to retrain or the landscape was different 🤷‍♀️.

Str3bor · 29/08/2023 09:10

I live in a blended family, my DP and his ex co-parent, there have been times when she has asked us to have the kids for her but he can’t due to work and I will usually say it’s fine they can stay with me, I’m here anyway.

i don’t see my DPs kids as his kids and I have mine, I see them as our family and they should be with us as a first point of call as their parent and step parent. This also works both ways.

when I got with my DP I knew that he had kids, he will never say no to having his kids any extra than the 50% he already has them and I fully support him with that.

I think Claire sounds a little unreasonable, yes I know they are not her children but she had children with a man who already had some and they are as much his children as the 2 he has with Claire.