who is being unreasonable? new job and children

[interestingly8]

Would like to keep this unbiased if possible.

Sarah and Ben have two children together and are separated. Ben is now married to Claire (B&C also now have young children of their own).

S&Bs children stay with B&C 2 nights one week and 3 the next currently. The week with 3 nights is over the weekend and the week with 2 is during the week.

Ben works, Claire is a SAHM and Sarah has been studying for the past number of years around her part time job.

Sarah has now qualified and is beginning a new job which will involve shift work meaning the her and Ben's children's normal contact schedule will need to change and follow Sarah's shift patterns rather than set days that they now have. This will inc upping contact to 3 nights every week whilst Sarah works. Ben is saying this is not possible as he's already arranged his work around the schedule they have had for years and cannot change this dependant on Sarah's shifts for that week. He has agreed to up contact to 3 nights per week but has said these must be set days.

Sarah has suggested Claire help if Ben is not around on one of the days, Claire has said no and agrees with Ben the contact schedule should remain the same as its what everyone has worked around for years Inc the children.

Who is being unreasonable?

Sarah for saying contact needs to follow her shifts instead of being set from now on and if Ben can't do that maybe Claire could help out. YANBU

Ben and Claire for insisting contact should follow the same schedule as normal and be set, not change week by week (although they do agree to up to 3 nights per week). YABU

Sarah should have thought about this when choosing to study for a new career. Some jobs require flexibility from both parents and that's hard anyway but even harder of you are separated. A career with shifts changing from week to week means she needs iron clad childcare whether that be paid or not.

It isn't fair to expect the ex to change his contact from week to week to accommodate her working. That leaves no structure for them as a family too and impacts on them being able to go away or plan meals out or activities. It would require a huge amount of commitment and communication from all 3 adults. Clare doesn't want to be involved at that level which is fair enough. My dh wouldn't be able to accommodate me working shifts that changed week to week, we'd need paid childcare and we are married. Not many jobs have that level of flexibility.

Sarah is being unreasonable, although I understand why.

It’s unfair to expect the DC’s contact schedule to change according to shift work.

Sarah is being unreasonable. A change in job isn't the problem of the other partner. It's up to Sarah to find alternative childcare on her days if her shifts clash.

I'm guessing OP is Sarah because poster says that ex will "need" to step up and change dates. No they don't, the new job isn't their problem to solve.

It's also nothing to do with Claire at all, SAHM or otherwise.

Not seeing how it would even be much easier if Sarah and Ben were still together. DH and I both worked unfixed shifts when ours were small and one of us had to go part time to cope. The rearrangements were constant. Most night shifts don’t allow for getting home before a day shift starts or fit enough sleep time before children need collecting from school.
Shift workers with small DC can only do it if there’s someone who doesn’t work or has a lot of flexibility and Sarah can’t expect that to be Ben.

Ooh, if Claire went back to work full time, could Ben and Claire afford to pay a nanny to look after their joint 2 dcs and then his 2 dcs on the days Sarah has to work?

if Claire went back to work full time, could Ben afford to give more money in maintenance to Sarah so she could afford to pay for flexible childcare?

I actually feel sorry for Sarah, probably retrained and skilled as a nurse or similar and her job = shifts. She’s made herself financially independent and can prove for herself for the future and hopefully get some pension and she’s getting little support or help off her ex.

Personally I think Sarah and Ben should review the current arrangements and try to come up with something that works for both. If I were Sarah I would be suggesting 50/50 now a week each.

Not Claire’s problem to solve.

Sarah is BU, she needs to sort childcare etc around her dc and the current schedule. Ben is no longer required to take Sarah and her work into consideration, only the dc. How would sarah feel if Ben started working shifts, would she then make changes to her work and family time to accommodate him - absolutely not.

The bit I find really unreasonable is that Sarah expected Clare to help - she absolutely doesn't have to.

I'd be very surprised if the OP wasn't Claire.

Sarah is being unreasonable in my opinion. It's great she has a new career but it is not her ex husband's responsibly or that of his wife just because she's a SAHM to change their work patterns on a whim because of her new job. Sarah needs to find alternative childcare and realise that a schedule which is ad-hoc is not in her child's best interests. Knowing and having consistency on which days they will spend at which house is really important for young children.

Sarah is unreasonable.

I'm baffled with the comments stating Ben is a shit dad. Routine is so important for children. I think it shows he is a good dad.

I agree with this. Sarah is wrong to assume that Ben and Claire are responsible for facilitating her working pattern. Ben’s responsibility primarily extends to his children, not his ex-partner. It’s tough for Sarah though.

It's Sarah's responsibility to arrange childcare, not the exes new wife.
It's not just about the children, the new wife will have her routines, commitments and hasn't trained in a job that expects shift work (many of don't want that lifestyle so avoid those jobs) so it's not for her to live her life around someone else's work rota that's issued.

Well this tells me Ben is a bit of a shitbag - either he had an affair with Claire while having a toddler at home, or he left his family when the youngest was a young baby and shacked up with Claire not long after. Either way urgh unless Sarah left him or was abusive.

But Sarah is being unreasonable in this case. Your ex is not like your husband who is supposed to support your career progression etc. In the same way you don't expect your colleagues to arrange their shifts to suit your home life, you don't expect your ex to accommodate your work schedule if it changes a pre-existing agreement. And Claire is neither nere nor there as she is not the kids parent. While I think stepparents should take on a parental role to any kids they knowingly take on, this is not a popular view on MN and there is no obligation on her to do so.

She’s claire

As a single parent shift work was always out the question for me as I could only source daytime childcare.

It sucks but it's just a fact of life.

I always wanted to be a copper but I never got the chance for this very reason.

What if Ben decided to change his job and wanted the ex to change her days?

Even if they'd still been together this wouldn't have worked

Sarah is BU. It's not Claire's responsibility. And Ben may not be able to shift his working patterns.

So taking the Ben out of it for the moment Claire will have her own 2 children and then sometimes will have to have 2 others, so she will have 4 children at times to look after

What does Sarah (not the OP) contribute to all this? apart from getting free childcare?

Ha! I’m most surprised by all the Claires! I assumed the OP was Sarah from the way it was written!

If so, congrats on the new job OP! But, yes, I agree with pp that the onus is on Sarah to arrange childcare, although it would be nice to have some flex from B&C. It’s hard.

I disagree with everyone and think Claire should help out. The children’s dad is supporting her ( presumably as she is a SAHM), so I feel part of that role should be to help with Ben’s children as well as their joint kids if required.

This, particularly as it's probably been clear for years while Sarah has been studying that once she finished her studies she would be changing to shift work, so if he was going to refuse to be accommodating he could have mentioned it before she wasted her time getting her qualification. I'm getting the feeling I know why Sarah divorced him.

The OP is definitely Claire.

Ben sounds like a shit dad but it's not on Claire to look after her step children.

Why would Ben and Claire discuss Sarah studying for a career that would mean she would struggle to be primary caregiver anymore in their current access arrangements? Why wouldn’t they discuss it over the years she was studying?

if you marry a man with children and then become a SAHM with additional children with him, really you need to have a conversation along the lines of “what happens if dsc can’t live with their mum anymore”

Sarah should have discussed it before starting training for a shift based job, but really the OP and her dh should have thought through the practicalities beforehand as well.

So what does Sarah get out of all this free childcare?

seems a strange request

I think Claire.