Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

who is being unreasonable? new job and children

692 replies

interestingly8 · 16/08/2023 07:27

Would like to keep this unbiased if possible.

Sarah and Ben have two children together and are separated. Ben is now married to Claire (B&C also now have young children of their own).

S&Bs children stay with B&C 2 nights one week and 3 the next currently. The week with 3 nights is over the weekend and the week with 2 is during the week.

Ben works, Claire is a SAHM and Sarah has been studying for the past number of years around her part time job.

Sarah has now qualified and is beginning a new job which will involve shift work meaning the her and Ben's children's normal contact schedule will need to change and follow Sarah's shift patterns rather than set days that they now have. This will inc upping contact to 3 nights every week whilst Sarah works. Ben is saying this is not possible as he's already arranged his work around the schedule they have had for years and cannot change this dependant on Sarah's shifts for that week. He has agreed to up contact to 3 nights per week but has said these must be set days.

Sarah has suggested Claire help if Ben is not around on one of the days, Claire has said no and agrees with Ben the contact schedule should remain the same as its what everyone has worked around for years Inc the children.

Who is being unreasonable?

Sarah for saying contact needs to follow her shifts instead of being set from now on and if Ben can't do that maybe Claire could help out. YANBU

Ben and Claire for insisting contact should follow the same schedule as normal and be set, not change week by week (although they do agree to up to 3 nights per week). YABU

OP posts:
MeetMyCat · 18/08/2023 18:23

the children need some stability and one job shouldn’t but 6 people (not including yourself) into a state of flux.

This

CostelloJones · 18/08/2023 18:36

interestingly8 · 16/08/2023 08:43

Thanks for the replies.

Okay I will admit I am Sarah in this. I don't have a partner, although did have a fiance at the time I started studying who had said we'd work it out together hence why my ex wasn't a massive factor in the discussions. I realise now that was probably naive.

I asked exes wife if she would help in the sense of collecting from school and having until ex got home or dropping off ect. She has said no as its not a set schedule so she would find it difficult to make plans for her own children and doesn't want to have to be back for school collections on differing days. I understand that I guess. I don't dislike exes wife, she has a career herself which I presume she may return to at some point.

Ex and I did not split just to any infidelity. He did not leave me for his current wife although they did meet not long after we separated. I actually left him, he wasn't abusive but we didn't get along the relationship was not good. I do think he can be unsupportive purposefully sometimes.

Ok so reading the update

I don’t think that’s an unreasonable ask - but fair enough if she thinks she can’t manage it. I personally wouldn’t mind my ex asking this but if it were an issue, I would probably say I will only do this for X amount of time, to let you find another arrangement but it’s not carrying on indefinitely.

most shift work you get something like 6 weeks in advance (IME) so it’s not like you can’t prearrange at all, it just takes some organisation.

does she ever have your kids when Ex isn’t there? The way it’s like “she has them until he gets home” sounds weird to me… like she doesn’t see them as anything to do with her at all. IMO you marry someone who already has kids, you accept they are part of your life. Does she have a good relationship with your kids otherwise?

CostelloJones · 18/08/2023 18:40

Presuming Sarah has been studying for this job for a while and now has managed to qualify…

why did you not discuss in advance what will happen with childcare when you start working?

Allsweep · 18/08/2023 19:12

I totally get why the changing days thing is awkward for Claire.

She couldn't arrange any regular activities for her children after 3pm any day, she can't arrange to go away anywhere during the week except short notice. It would be very limiting.

I think more palatable to Ben and Claire might be if the kids are in after school club so that Ben can then do the pick up after work - but it does depend on the club. Ours is fab and will take on the day bookings but I know others aren't flexible

Youwho2 · 18/08/2023 20:36

YABU. You can't expect people to change their lives around your shift pattern. It's not their job to facilitate you working. Don't get me wrong it would be fantastic if the can. You asked. They said no. So you need to make another plan.

Overthiscrap · 18/08/2023 21:15

Claire could help out, even if on a short term / when stuck basis but what if she wants to go back to work or the relationship breaks down, or she has to commit to an ailing parent?

Is Sarah helpful and flexible should something come up for Ben and Claire? Has Claire had to frequently cover the childcare because she is the sahm?

Not very straightforward and this should have been ironed out while Sarah was still training / qualifying and before a job was accepted.

FeistyPanther1611 · 18/08/2023 21:18

It’s tough but as from a separated parent who doesn’t work shifts POV I’ve been there and it’s infuriating and virtually impossible to work around your ex’s shifts. I personally believe that, as hard as it is, it is the job of the person on shifts to make a plan. It certainly isn’t the job of the new partner. I’m not saying to be difficult, the non shift working parent might choose to help out here and there, but certainly you shouldn’t have to in effect live their lives around their ex’s shifts.

HGNewMum · 19/08/2023 06:53

is Sarah’s work able to do shifts on certain days? For example I work a shift pattern job for the NHS- a few of my colleagues who have complicated custody/young children still work shift work but have a flexi-work agreement in place that they never work certain days but work can do whatever they want with them on their other days

ChristmasFluff · 19/08/2023 08:05

Ben is a shit dad.

Perhaps Sarah could suggest handing over residential to Ben, so that she only has to worry about her shifts 2 nights / 3 nights per week. Might focus his selfish brain.

Sirzy · 19/08/2023 08:09

ChristmasFluff · 19/08/2023 08:05

Ben is a shit dad.

Perhaps Sarah could suggest handing over residential to Ben, so that she only has to worry about her shifts 2 nights / 3 nights per week. Might focus his selfish brain.

There is nothing to suggest that he wouldn’t do that. The issue isn’t having the children more it’s the expectation of being completely flexible around her shifts which makes it very hard to plan anything.

ben and Claire already happily have the children 5/14 and he has worked his own work pattern around this. He had already agreed to increase this to help so will be close to 50/50 anyway.

Backagain23 · 19/08/2023 08:31

ChristmasFluff · 19/08/2023 08:05

Ben is a shit dad.

Perhaps Sarah could suggest handing over residential to Ben, so that she only has to worry about her shifts 2 nights / 3 nights per week. Might focus his selfish brain.

Ben might very well take Sarah up on that.
Then he and his wife can make sure all four of Ben's children enjoy some structure and consistency.

Gumptionesque · 19/08/2023 08:40

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 16/08/2023 07:44

He has basically left all the parenting to Sarah. He has the ability to spend more time with his kids and help his ex out but it doesn’t suit him.

Show quote history

He had the children 5 days per fortnight (36%) and has agreed to increase to 6 (43%). How is that leaving all the parenting to Sarah?

northernbeee · 19/08/2023 08:42

TriciaMcMillan · 16/08/2023 07:38

Clearly Claire!

Show quote history

you reckon?? I'd say its clearly Sarah!

MILLYmo0se · 19/08/2023 09:03

Depends on Bens work schedule is, if he really cant fit in the change Sarah is being unreasonable but if its just a bit awkward/he just doesnt want to make an effort he is being unreasonable not helping Sarah increase her household income.
A lot depends too on the circumstances of this job. Is it in an industry that is known to involve shift work , in which case how is this conversation only happening now and not when Sarah choose to begin studying for a career in this sector?
Or has Sarah just chosen a job with shift wirk when there are positions in the sector with set days/hours?

MichelleScarn · 19/08/2023 09:03

ChristmasFluff · 19/08/2023 08:05

Ben is a shit dad.

Perhaps Sarah could suggest handing over residential to Ben, so that she only has to worry about her shifts 2 nights / 3 nights per week. Might focus his selfish brain.

Why? Sarah admits she left him because she wanted to, no issues re relationship or his parenting.
Can't be because he is in a relationship, Sarah was engaged herself.
Is he a 'shit dad' because he won't change his and the other dc life to do whatever Sarah tells him?

Dentaldrama · 19/08/2023 09:03

If I was Claire I wouldn't be agreeing to never knowing what nights a week the kids were coming over and being expected to provide childcare. I would want it to be set days or Ben stepping up.

howshouldibehave · 19/08/2023 09:45

MILLYmo0se · 19/08/2023 09:03

Depends on Bens work schedule is, if he really cant fit in the change Sarah is being unreasonable but if its just a bit awkward/he just doesnt want to make an effort he is being unreasonable not helping Sarah increase her household income.
A lot depends too on the circumstances of this job. Is it in an industry that is known to involve shift work , in which case how is this conversation only happening now and not when Sarah choose to begin studying for a career in this sector?
Or has Sarah just chosen a job with shift wirk when there are positions in the sector with set days/hours?

Somegood questions there! Will @interestingly8 ever come back and answer any of them?!

Crazycrazylady · 19/08/2023 17:24

Honestly if I was Claire I could agree to this either. A set day and time each week fine but random days to accommodate your shifts would be unworkable. You can plan for nothing.
Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear

Jibo · 19/08/2023 19:38

interestingly8 · 16/08/2023 07:35

For context Ben and Sarah's children are 7 & 11. Ben and Claires are 18months and 3. They have been together since youngest of B&S's children was 2.

So. Claire didn't waste any time getting her claws into the recently separated father of two very young children and getting herself knocked up - lovely. Ben and Claire both sound like arseholes. Poor kids.

aSofaNearYou · 19/08/2023 19:39

So. Claire didn't waste any time getting her claws into the recently separated father of two very young children and getting herself knocked up - lovely. Ben and Claire both sound like arseholes. Poor kids.

Like that's some kind of prize for her?

metalmaude · 19/08/2023 19:42

Sarah is being unreasonable, but I am not sure I have understood your voting

JanglingJack · 19/08/2023 19:45

Ben can't have the kids at times it suits him.
He needs to organise himself so that that his ex wife, mother of his first two children has the freedom to work and better herself and their children's lives.

aSofaNearYou · 19/08/2023 19:47

JanglingJack · 19/08/2023 19:45

Ben can't have the kids at times it suits him.
He needs to organise himself so that that his ex wife, mother of his first two children has the freedom to work and better herself and their children's lives.

That doesn't make sense, you could say the exact same in reverse, and say she needs to organise herself so he can work. They both need to work around each other, it isn't one way.

drspouse · 19/08/2023 19:52

Does Ben work shifts?
If not, Ben is BU because it isn't interfering with his work to have school aged children overnight. Most parents who work office hours have their children with them from the close of after school club every day.
But if Sarah can arrange a set pattern of shifts once she is more senior that would be ideal.

abs12 · 19/08/2023 20:33

Nothing to do with Claire. But, how far out are the shifts organised? I think it's entirely unreasonable to say this has always worked so we'll stick with it. Life changes! I think it's unfair to cut Sarah's career off at the knees before it's even begun and this is being controlled by her ex. It's hard enough for women with children to get ahead in so many careers, still. It would be the honourable thing to do to support Sarah's new shifts as best as possible, particularly if they can be organised, say, a month in advance. Rubbish about kids and routines as far as this arrangement is concerned. Kids are resilient and if they're not, they should be. Sarah should be allowed to do the best for herself and their kids. He needs to support this.