who is being unreasonable? new job and children

[interestingly8]

Would like to keep this unbiased if possible.

Sarah and Ben have two children together and are separated. Ben is now married to Claire (B&C also now have young children of their own).

S&Bs children stay with B&C 2 nights one week and 3 the next currently. The week with 3 nights is over the weekend and the week with 2 is during the week.

Ben works, Claire is a SAHM and Sarah has been studying for the past number of years around her part time job.

Sarah has now qualified and is beginning a new job which will involve shift work meaning the her and Ben's children's normal contact schedule will need to change and follow Sarah's shift patterns rather than set days that they now have. This will inc upping contact to 3 nights every week whilst Sarah works. Ben is saying this is not possible as he's already arranged his work around the schedule they have had for years and cannot change this dependant on Sarah's shifts for that week. He has agreed to up contact to 3 nights per week but has said these must be set days.

Sarah has suggested Claire help if Ben is not around on one of the days, Claire has said no and agrees with Ben the contact schedule should remain the same as its what everyone has worked around for years Inc the children.

Who is being unreasonable?

Sarah for saying contact needs to follow her shifts instead of being set from now on and if Ben can't do that maybe Claire could help out. YANBU

Ben and Claire for insisting contact should follow the same schedule as normal and be set, not change week by week (although they do agree to up to 3 nights per week). YABU

I don't think it's unreasonable for Sarah to ask but I don't think it's unreasonable for Claire to say no to the request either (I couldn't cope with someone else two and two of my own). That said I think Ben should at the very least be offering 50/50 so they both have a fair shot at a career, 50/50 on set days could still work for shift work.

Ben is a crap dad. His ex is trying to improve the lives of their children by retraining but Ben can’t even be arsed to have those children 50 per cent of the time. However, he supports his new wife to be a SAHM so they have a parent at home 100% of the time. No consideration that Sarah needs to put a roof over their kids heads, feed them, cloth them etc. I would be ashamed if I was Claire.

His ‘consistancy’ worked for his career. Sarah seems to have bent backwards for him to get a job where he can afford f/t 3 dependants. Now it’s his and Claire’s turn to do her the favour

It’s fair enough for Sarah to have asked, but it’s also reasonable for Ben and Claire to say no. Sarah now needs to sort out childcare to suit her shift work.

Did Ben cheat on Sarah with Claire?

If so, he’s already shown himself to be a shit person so HE needs to step up and do whatever he can to make Sarah’s life as a single parent easier until the kids leave home.

Not for Claire it doesn’t. Of course Sarah wants it as it makes her life easier. That’s not how you solve problems. Shift work needs considered beforehand. Doesn’t seem like any of the children’s parents have given it any thought. Easier to just hope Claire will be browbeaten into picking up the slack.

Exactly. Claire and Ben are pricks.

Sarah is. Contact isn’t childcare. It’s time for parents to spend with their children. On the days that Sarah has the kids she needs to do what everyone does - arrange childcare.

I think it's fine for the step parent to say no.

What I think is that when you co-parent you sometimes have to make adjustments.

I think the current arrangement sounds weird though and 50/50 week on and off might be better but whatever I think the parents need to have the conversation about changing needs for work purposes.

I don't think Sarah is unreasonable to ask, I don't think Ben and Claire are unreasonable to say no. Having nights change every week is deeply inconvenient - makes it harder for Ben and Claire to have hobbies and for their children to do extracurriculars when they're older.

Sarah should consider an au pair

Nobody cared about the impact to Sarah when Ben manipulated the days to suit him and Claire. He only has his kids with Sarah 2 days a week but subsidises Claire to be there f/t for their kids.

Even if he did, he's not obliged to facilitate Sarah's life for as long as he lives, years after they've broken up.

But he is obliged to work in his kids' best interests and that does include doing his part for them so their mother can provide.

He's in a relationship with Claire. He's not in a relationship with Sarah.

Again, I think people are losing sight of the fact Sarah raised kids most of the time, worked part time and studied to qualify for her present job. That’s a massive achievement and a lot of sacrifice. She could have done nothing and lived off child support. Ben is not willing to offer anything, and maybe he doesn’t want her to be independent? I don’t know, if I were Sarah, I’d say, whelp, I did the majority of the child raising, now your turn. Claire is a SAHM, she has the time. Sarah might, gasp, be able to do something other than work, study and parent children. She might even be able to get a supportive partner and a better life for herself.

An au pair? Yes because a single mum retraining in a new career is bound to have an extra bedroom for an au pair ..and even if the cost is fairly small, why should she have to pay it all when Ben has the luxury of a SahM for his new family but isn't prepared to help the mother of his other children progress. If Ben would pay 50% of the additional childcare that allows them both to work then maybe that's the solution.
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No it doesn’t, it doesn’t make sense for Claire. She’s not free on demand childcare. And all this bollocks others have said about ‘well that’s what you sign up for when you marry someone with kids’ NO, that’s what you sign up for when YOU HAVE KIDS.

If I was Claire I would want to accommodate Sarah’s needs if I felt I could. However, 4 children aged 18 months to 11 years is a lot to manage by herself. I think the communication style needs to change from demands and emphatic nos to requests and a proper sit down to look at the shift pattern, how often it would conflict with Dad’s work and whether Dad’s work could offer any flexibility. Pull together to see what is and us not possible. Be reasonable.

This is a conversation the parents should have had before Sarah applied for the job. You can't just drop that on someone and expect them to be ok with it. And it isn't good for the children to be coming and going on different days every week. It is unsettling.

None of this has anything to do with Claire. She was asked. She said no. End of.

Thanks for the replies.

Okay I will admit I am Sarah in this. I don't have a partner, although did have a fiance at the time I started studying who had said we'd work it out together hence why my ex wasn't a massive factor in the discussions. I realise now that was probably naive.

I asked exes wife if she would help in the sense of collecting from school and having until ex got home or dropping off ect. She has said no as its not a set schedule so she would find it difficult to make plans for her own children and doesn't want to have to be back for school collections on differing days. I understand that I guess. I don't dislike exes wife, she has a career herself which I presume she may return to at some point.

Ex and I did not split just to any infidelity. He did not leave me for his current wife although they did meet not long after we separated. I actually left him, he wasn't abusive but we didn't get along the relationship was not good. I do think he can be unsupportive purposefully sometimes.

It's a shame Be and Claire aren't willing to help and the ages of the kids means they aren't needing as much as younger ones. You'd think dad would want to see more of his kids.

But Sarah is making the change so can ask but not expect.

I think Ben should have the kids 50% of the time but set days, hopefully that can give Sarah more options and be a bit fairer.

Thinking about this, there's not enough info for us to know.

It's very possible that Ben has always been an arsehole with a billy big balls job. One of those men to complain Sarah doesn't have a full time job, then she gets one, and he goes out of his way to not inconvenience himself for one second, to accommodate her career.

Or

It's possible that Sarah is an arsehole. Saw the op was pregnant, realised she'd be an Sahm, retrained in a job which she knew would have shift work and out of the question for many parents, thinking op would do it.

We dont know. All projecting based on our own experiences. (So, mine, Ben would be the arse 😂)

Well done Sarah for studying and qualifying but shift work as a single parent is hard.

its not Claire’s job to help out when Sarah dictates.

I personally think the children need to know in advance what days they stay at dads meaning days should be set days. Dad is compromising by offering an extra day therefore Sarah needs to sort out the rest of the days .

Ben’s a shit father because presumably he carried on working and let Sarah do the hard graft when the kids were babies, promising her that he will support her to retrain and build her career when they’re in school.

Then he had an affair and now has another woman stuck at home bringing up his second batch of kids.

Why can’t the younger housekeeper/nanny/wife look after all the kids?

Absolutely nothing to do with Claire and she should stand firm in not plugging the gap.

Sarah's gap to fill, but shit for her if she can't take a job. Shit for the kids if Sarah not taking the job means their circumstances won't improve - more money for treats and hobbies etc. But if they're settled in the current routine also shit for them to change that.