To wonder why I’m like this in every job I’ve ever had and so wish I could not work at all?!?

[Fudgingit85]

I’m confident, outgoing, educated and probably the sort of academic person at school most people would expect to have gone on to have an amazing career.

But in every job I’ve had - even Saturday jobs as a teen - anything that requires me to make a decision, I just can’t do and it makes me HUGELY anxious.

I started freelancing early in my career and whereas most FLs I know get anxious about where the next contract is coming from, I love the chop and change of it as a short term contract usually means I can do my bit then leave before I need to actually be responsible for anything. I have actually left contracts when I can see that it is getting to the point where I need to be more involved. I absolutely hate client meetings as i know my opinion will be called on and I’m useless - i never know what to say!! I’ve had so many cringeworthy work moments.

Thing is now, I’m in a long term FL role, being asked to manage clients and honestly, if a client asks me the simplest question, I panic and will worry/overthink about my response for days. I often feel I have no expertise to make an informed decision.

All of my peers that I started my career with are in senior positions, earning buckets and doing really well. I should be at their level but I’ve done everything I can to avoid it as I would be useless at it - I just can’t give counsel/advice.

What doesn’t help is my awful memory - it sounds so stupid but I often can’t remember the basics of my job (I’ve been doing it 20 years!!) to the point where I feel I need to have the kind of basic training I would’ve had as a trainee.

There are times where I feel I’ve done a good job but it’s usually when I’ve done my small part of a project and someone else feeds it back to the client. I absolutely cannot do the bigger picture stuff.

I really feel like there’s something wrong with me. I would love to not work not because I’m lazy but because the stress of feeling like this all the time is awful. Any decision I need to make, I find it hard to work out what I really think - I’m always back and forth thinking about what other people would think. Or I’ve just got no idea what the best option is!

Sounds awful but I’d actually like to be diagnosed with some kind of behavioural disorder - at least it would explain why I am the way I am.

Can anyone relate??

Hypnotherapy for what though?

@Fudgingit85
“I’ve been thinking and another thing I’ve remembered that I do is when I know I’ve got a meeting coming up or a situation where I’m going to have to make a decision about something specific, no matter how tiny and trivial that decision is, I will spend all day googling until I find examples of what others would decide in that situation and crucially, justification to back it up.”

This. Thank god for the internet. I’m hoping someone will invent a Chatgpt brain implant in a few years that will do all this for me.

@zingally 'clinging on with my fingernails'
Also this

@StellaLaBella llaLaBella
"Another hallmark is the fear of being "trapped" doing something with responsibilities and people relying on you. "
And this

@Namechangedforthis2244
“Imagine that you have a high stakes decision at work. You don’t feel able to make the decision so I bring in a decision making robot. The robot makes the decision in your place. You are thinking about how he did in your own head (ie no requirement to report to someone else). Is he right, wrong or you don’t know?”

For me, it’s not so much evaluating an idea once someone has articulated it, it’s the mentally coming up with ideas in the first place. There are typically lots of variables so exponential numbers of possible plans so it’s impossible/exhausting mentally running through them all. It’s like driving a car using the rear-view mirror when everyone else has satnav guiding them if that makes sense.

@tequilachickenbird

If it is ADHD, what other signs would I notice - because my attention level seems ok and I obviously managed to focus and take in info at school?

This is not the kind of attention which is impaired in ADHD.

Generally the symptoms most common in adult women are

Disorganisation, never being able to find anything, always losing stuff. Messy house, messy bedroom as a child.

Time management issues - late for everything, miss deadlines, thinking things will take much longer or much less time than they do. Or conversely needing really rigid deadlines to get anything done, being obsessively early for things out of a fear of being late.

Eating issues, either compulsive eating and struggle with weight gain or forget to eat, don't get hungry until mid afternoon kind of thing.

String of unfinished projects, hobbies that you start and get obsessed with but then put away in a drawer and never touch again.

Very all or nothing with people, either texting them every 5 minutes or ignoring them for months.

Struggle with routine things like housework tasks, brushing teeth etc. Nothing ever seems "automatic". Might also rail against the idea of routine feeling that it is too constrictive or boring.

Find it difficult to make progress on long term goals and can't really explain why except that you just can't make yourself do it. Negative self talk in association with this.

Emotions that seem to change very quickly and be less easy to control.

Most people struggle with some of these things some of the time so it's whether it's a problem is more subjective. Also not everyone with ADHD has the same issues.

@BertieBotts your posts on this thread have been so helpful.. are you a healthcare professional or do you have someone/yourself with adhd?

Oh no. I killed the thread 😳💀

If you look up Pathological Demand Avoidance, does it resonant with your feelings and experiences?

Hmm not sure how usual they are but this is a copy paste from our template, formatting out the window obvs. I should add that the sharing of it is optional. It is submitted to HR who can if you wish distribute it to your HOD and/or immediate colleagues. I found the most useful aspect of it was actually just that it encouraged me to sit down and really assess how best to work with my strengths and around my weaknesses (literally had never done in 42 years!). So I came away for the first time not feeling like a failure for not being neuro-typical but as a neuro-divergent person with a clear plan outlining a different but just as good way of working. It was quite a relief!

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Thank you @Chevybaby that's super helpful

I have ADHD. And I don't have a job so learning about ADHD is one of the things that I spend time on. I would like to work in probably psychology but ADHD fucked up the end of my schooling so I haven't managed to get there yet.

Reading your posts I think we have very similar issues, in quite similar work environments.

Working with lots of highly academic people, many with PhDs, who are really intelligent and eloquent, and can think strategically and on their feet in meetings, just makes me more aware that I can’t do it!

And it’s so frustrating as there’s no obvious solution. It’s not a confidence thing - I know I’m just as good as them on the whole, I just can’t express it in a meeting type environment. I’m always so envious of my boss who can be asked a really tricky unexpected question in a meeting and immediately respond with a sensible and structured answer. I on the other hand am asked a really basic question about a project I know back to front and struggle to put two sentences together.

I’m pretty sure it’s not anything diagnosable in my case. And tbh even if it was I don’t think a diagnosis would make any difference. I guess we are just all built differently and have different strengths and weaknesses.

My frustration is that I feel this one weakness has imposed a barrier on how much I can progress. Any promotion I were to get would mean a lot more high stakes meetings and I just couldn’t handle it. So I’m watching as all the ambitious good-in-meetings thirty year olds overtake 45 year old me.

Yes - I feel exactly how you’ve described.

I don’t recognise anything on the link you sent - I don’t feel I was emotionally neglected at all.

But what you said about “getting caught in a relationship that you thought matched other people’s expectations” was a bit of a a gut punch. I’ve definitely done that…

@UpperLowerMiddleClass I am so envious of people who can immediately respond in meetings like that too!! If I’m put on the spot, it’s like I get instant brain fog and can’t give a proper answer - and then later I’ll go over and over it in my head, feeling like an idiot.

@Fudgingit85 have you by any chance had your iron levels checked? I've had this type of "mind going blank" when I've been anaemic, and I had chronic anemia for many years. Once my levels go up, my recall and ability to make decisions goes up drastically, and the mind blanking disappears. I've had some very embarrassing moments too in meetings.

Bumping this to see how you are doing OP

I’m ok @tequilachickenbird thank you. I felt crap last week as I was absolutely obsessing about some very minor issues at work that - surprise - involved decision-making from me, but they’ve been sorted and I’ve had a few days where I’ve had tasks to do and felt I’ve completed them well which has perked me up again. That’s pretty much the cycle of my working life!

Just wondering about maybe getting some counselling - as some have suggested - a lovely PP has also m pm’d me about it. I’m trying to understand whether I’m wired differently or whether I’m just plain old rubbish at my job. But knowing that I’ve felt like this in even the most simple of work roles leads me to think it could be the former.

I’m trying to understand whether I’m wired differently or whether I’m just plain old rubbish at my job. But knowing that I’ve felt like this in even the most simple of work roles leads me to think it could be the former

I've often felt like this but when I did have an "easier" role I didn't.

You've not mentioned which sector you work in - some sectors are much less forgiving of errors than others - even though people say that to err is human and all that, they still get cross if there's a typo. Admittedly sometimes a typo could have serious implications, but still, if you're not in a medical field, nobody is going to die or lose the wrong leg! So I wonder if you are in a sector where people jump on you if you make the slightest mistake - or have done in the past - and that affects your confidence? Even in Saturday jobs people can be unpleasant because they feel like teens need taking down a peg.

I could have written a lot of your post. I’ve been pretty successful in my career but constantly worry and stress over my decisions. So much so I have taken a massive step back in terms of responsibility and pay… but I still worry over tiny decisions!!

Are you in marketing? (I notice the post about product launches) As I find that a lot of people think marketing is easy and they know best so there is a constant feeling of being judged, which doesn’t necessarily happen to the same scale (in my opinion) if you’re a HR or Finance Director for example!

@Filly1234 , tell us more about The Inner Child therapy.
Is it a type of therapy like cbt etc or the name of the company of a therapist?

@BertieBotts , your posts have been really insightful. Thanks.

I'm the same OP, feel totally stressed in any job that isn't completely routine. In my case it's not low self esteem or any kind of condition. I have no excuse, I'm just a bit rubbish at working. I do find everywhere I've been there's always someone worse though😄