To wonder why I’m like this in every job I’ve ever had and so wish I could not work at all?!?

[Fudgingit85]

I’m confident, outgoing, educated and probably the sort of academic person at school most people would expect to have gone on to have an amazing career.

But in every job I’ve had - even Saturday jobs as a teen - anything that requires me to make a decision, I just can’t do and it makes me HUGELY anxious.

I started freelancing early in my career and whereas most FLs I know get anxious about where the next contract is coming from, I love the chop and change of it as a short term contract usually means I can do my bit then leave before I need to actually be responsible for anything. I have actually left contracts when I can see that it is getting to the point where I need to be more involved. I absolutely hate client meetings as i know my opinion will be called on and I’m useless - i never know what to say!! I’ve had so many cringeworthy work moments.

Thing is now, I’m in a long term FL role, being asked to manage clients and honestly, if a client asks me the simplest question, I panic and will worry/overthink about my response for days. I often feel I have no expertise to make an informed decision.

All of my peers that I started my career with are in senior positions, earning buckets and doing really well. I should be at their level but I’ve done everything I can to avoid it as I would be useless at it - I just can’t give counsel/advice.

What doesn’t help is my awful memory - it sounds so stupid but I often can’t remember the basics of my job (I’ve been doing it 20 years!!) to the point where I feel I need to have the kind of basic training I would’ve had as a trainee.

There are times where I feel I’ve done a good job but it’s usually when I’ve done my small part of a project and someone else feeds it back to the client. I absolutely cannot do the bigger picture stuff.

I really feel like there’s something wrong with me. I would love to not work not because I’m lazy but because the stress of feeling like this all the time is awful. Any decision I need to make, I find it hard to work out what I really think - I’m always back and forth thinking about what other people would think. Or I’ve just got no idea what the best option is!

Sounds awful but I’d actually like to be diagnosed with some kind of behavioural disorder - at least it would explain why I am the way I am.

Can anyone relate??

One of the things my doctor said to me when we were exploring the Dx, is that people with ADHD can be successful/achieve academically but it is always somewhat chaotic as we run on adrenaline rather than dopamine. That really hit home. I am peerless when my back is against the wall, my hyper focus could almost shut out the building burning down around me, but when I am not in that mode, life is a series of half started and abandoned tasks. I simply cannot start something that is not urgent and finish is effectively, although I am way better since being diagnosed.

@StellaLaBella you’re describing me to a T. Can I ask about your experience of being medicated - how was the process if any of finding the right medication/dosage, and how did your doctor decide to offer medication A rather than B?

Being in a Senior position isn't for everyone and there's no 'should' in life. You sound like you enjoy moving positions frequently and having less responsibility so why feel the need to change that.

I sometimes feel this way too when things are difficult I think it would be easier to move on and start again. However, I have a different mindset and will work through things.

In terms of the other points, decision-making anxiety, forgetfulness I think it is something that can be worked on. Have you considered a professional coach who could work with you to build resilience & self-belief?

Also, consider whether there is any pattern to this (hormonal related) and seek help if you think this may be the case.

Thank you! I sometimes feel the World is full of armchair (untrained) psychologists putting people into neuro-diverse boxes just because they can’t get their head around the fact people are meant to be different. Perhaps OP the problem is you are meant to be a happy bin-man (person) but who was educated alongside the next generation of CEOs and so feel that is what you should do. You don’t have to. It’s not all (work at high level) or nothing (don’t work). Every pan has a lid so try and find something you enjoy more than you hate (but don’t expect it to be problem free - that’s why it’s called work not a hobby!). Good luck finding your niche.

Yes. Adhd worth a look.
I am similar.
Have a diagnosis too.

Am great at problem solving and tbh i prefer taking on a huge impossible sounding thing rather than something sounding dull.
But i am not good at breaking things down into small chunks for big projects in terms of the management of myself. The logic I can do, the executive function no, I struggle with a lot. And normal people find executive function easy, adhd people nope. The brain does not work the same.

Id really have a dig deep about learning about adhd. Watch how to adhd by ella mcabe I think on YouTube.
Best way to explain is you work via:
Interest, novelty, urgency or challenge. If it doesn't fit into these, no matter how much you want to do the thing, it will be tough because your brain is lacking chemicals that allow this to work.
Also the area for executive function does not work as well. Also memory recall esp processing names and information at short term. Ie if you are in a meeting and someone starts throwing things to remember and also other stuff it gets tricky.

Hope this helps.
I'm afraid not found a way around the executive function issues.
But knowing what's going on can bring a lot of peace within yourself, and a point to start from in learning how to manage yourself and your life.
Before diagnosis it feels like your trying harder than other people, sometimes feel a lot smarter, to get much worse results. Then you get diagnosed and it's kind of like learning you were a cat, hanging out with chickens, thinking you were a chicken, expecting yourself to be good at chicken things (not cat things) and being confused why it takes so much effort for you to achieve less.
Then when you learn you're working with different parameters ie different brain setup
, and you're living in a world designed for chickens not cats, then you can be more educated on what you should and shouldn't expect from yourself. And how to set yourself up for success.

Im identical to you and I have adhd.

In fact. As someone who also lives with chronic imposter syndrome about my adhd diagnosis, (even though im being treated by a psychiatrist), OP's post made me cry because I still deep down believe its all my own fault. And theres so many of us out there feeling this way

I have ADHD and feel very similar. My short term memory is almost non existent and I forget the basics of things. I too have worked for myself and prefer short engagements to long relationships. I used to really suffer with the being put on the spot and asked questions though coaching and becoming more expert and what I do has helped with that.

Have you checked out Dyspraxia? It can have a huge effect on your management decisions.

I feel for you! I’m exactly the same and have just been diagnosed with ADHD at the ripe old age of 53! Try to be kind to yourself, you can’t help how you are xx

First thing I thought was ADHD too. Not just because everyone jumps to that conclusion apparently, but because of how you described how you felt. And not sure if someone else has pointed this out but although it’s Attention deficit…it’s actually the opposite…too much attention is paid to all of the things and all at once which creates extreme anxiety. It’s finding ways to focus on the important bits. That’s the hard thing. Hence the memory loss or not being able to recall simple details because your mind is so busy and distracted, you can’t focus. That’s where the Hyperactivity bit comes in, it can be internalised not just a physical hyperactivity. Inattentive type ADHD internalise everything, day dream a lot, that sort of thing. This may not be you at all OP and maybe it’s internalised anxiety. But just for the laughs, so your own research on the subject before dismissing. Often learning why we do things, ADHD issues or not, can help us to make decisions and feel less anxious. It’s an eye opener!

I wonder about dyslexia. People think it’s about not being able to read or write properly but it can affect all sorts including executive functioning, short term memory, and information processing.
I had a colleague years ago with dyslexia who used to keep really good notes in his drawer about clients to help remind him when they called what they had last talked about.

OP thank you for this thread. I completely relate, and could have written your post except for that fact that I have a minimum wage job because I can’t hack anything with more responsibility - and even then my job feels like waaaay too much responsibility!! (I’m a TA at a special school though so making the wrong decision could be catastrophic eg if a child is having a seizure or it’s a safe guarding issue that I’ve missed or something.)

My dream job is ALSO actor/performer (or more specifically cbeebies presenter) and I have no trouble holding my own on stage (I’m in an am dram group) if I’m being directed but absolutely hate making decisions.

I also find driving incredibly stressful, I don’t know if that’s related. And randomly I have almost no sense of direction. My memory is terrible for useful things (eg directions, what to do if a child has a seizure) but I’m incredibly good at retaining random facts eg can recall most people’s birthdays even if they’ve only told me once.

I’ve long suspected some sort of neurodivergence probably ADHD so I’m following with interest and now wondering about therapy too - I can definitely relate to perfectionism/fear of failure so there might be some of that but like you I don’t think I could critically analyse a robot’s decision.

I did well at school and uni, I’m competitive and creative and except for my lack of career I have a great life - I’m a fantastic mum, great friend and partner and a decent actor/singer, amazing cook and baker, so why on earth can I not cope with a career?

Urgh this is my life, since becoming a Mum and WFH, I will literally do anything to avoid speaking to people, giving advice, asking questions. I’ve got two degrees, I tried really hard to get a good role, but now I’m literally throwing it away by hidinh behind a computer screen.
I have zero confidence in my ability and have complete mind blanks. I’m about to go off on maternity again and wish I never had to return. I just feel like I’m being pestered all the time. I don’t have any neuro diagnoses but I do have autonomic dysfunction so my body is often in fight or flight mode

A lot of this really resonates with me too. I’m okay in my academic-related profession job as long as I’m communicating in writing - emails, reports, papers etc. I’m also okayish in smaller scale low stakes meetings with colleagues I already know.

But large meetings or high stakes ones just feel impossible for me to succeed in. I get anxious and overthink what I should say. I find it hard to take in that others say and seem completely unable to identify subtexts and tensions etc that are apparent obvious to others.

I also feel like I naturally go into ‘observer mode’ in meetings like this, while other people naturally participate and have things to say.

It sometimes feels like there’s a language to these meetings that everyone else has learnt and I’ve somehow missed the lesson. And lots of annoying situations where I’m asked eg if I have any questions and I can’t think of anything to say at all. And then someone else will ask a question and I’m like ‘oh yes that would have been a sensible relevant thing to ask’. But my brain would never have thought of it in the first place.

@Fudgingit85 What needs to change to improve your ability to make decisions?

It's something I'd overthink too in all probability, but I'm pretty good nowadays at saying no or speaking up even when it's awkward etc.

I've got a pretty solid process which will probably sound ridiculously simplistic and possibly a bit patronising but it really does work for me if I follow it.

When I'm debating doing something I just ask myself 'If I could press a button and it was magically done, would I press the button?' If the answer is yes then I decide I'm going to do it, no excuses.

It works well for me. If I'm having a bad day and thinking in the heat of the moment ('these guys are taking the piss, should I just jack it in and work for one of the other 4-5 companies that I know well?') I find my response to the button test is usually 'ahhh, maybe I should wait until a fresh day and reevaluate with a clear mind'.

However, if I know something is likely to be in my interest but I'm just wimping out of the tough bit/awkwardness then my honest response is nearly always that I'd push that button and that tells me that I should get it done.

It's a stupidly simple process but that's what I need as somebody who hugely overcomplicates things.

I now work in a construction/plant environment, mainly with working class men and lads. I find communication to be much more straightforward and to the point, which I like.

When I worked for a blue chip company managing big projects and multi stream bids there was so much politics and I hated it.

Another who hasn’t rtft just because my god you could be me. And there was a thread on here about a year ago with us all putting hands up. I’ve fallen apart in job after job. I’m not like you in a few ways, I need routine and it’s a change of it that makes me anxious and start messing up. My friends talk of people making mistakes or not making decisions in their work and I feel sick because I want to say ‘leave them alone, they’re trying!’ I work in a lovely shop but struggle with ordering, merchandising, so much. I’m also a writer and if my books ever start making money I’m so gone even though I’m so lucky for the people and place! Huge hugs op, go with your gut on your choices and hugs everyone who goes into work praying it’ll be a good day x (Sorry will go rtft now!)

OP, I feel like I could have written that! I have worked in my organisation for a long time and finally took the courage to apply for a promotion in 2021. Similarly, everyone used to say that I would be the first to climb the ladder but my ex-colleagues have lapped me multiple times.
My first role in the organisation involved working within very strict guidelines, by the letter of the law and the training was impeccable. I felt so comfortable with what I was doing and absolutely adored my job.

Since moving to another team, everything is in a slightly grey area, a little experimental and there is very little structure. There was no formal training course. I panic daily about doing anything and sending out emails to large groups as I’ve nothing to fall back on if I’ve done or said something wrong. I HATE having to share my opinion on things.

I love rules and regulations. I like to know exactly where I stand so I can’t get in trouble or can at least justify my actions.

I’m a Therapist and I wonder if your anxiety about your performance and imposter syndrome (which sounds like it’s very much rooted in low self-esteem) is what’s causing your memory issues as your mind is focusing on what you perceive you can’t do instead of the task in hand. I’m not going to try to diagnose you over the internet because that would be very foolish me but I would recommend finding an accredited Therapist you feel comfortable with to learn some strategies to combat any low self esteem/anxiety you may be experiencing. You are definitely not alone in what you’re feeling.

Op, I think you are over thinking and possibly constrained by perfectionism. It’s become extreme and you need to calm the doubts and trust yourself.
I suppose you could say I’m a fairly senior manager and assure you most are faking it. if you were in my team I’d be suggesting a coach. If you’re not in an org that offers such a thing I suggest hiring one privately.

This resonates SO much with me too, high achiever at school and top grades, then went to great uni, good grades but not amazing due to constant anxiety / fear of failure / inability to revise correctly. I believe down to lack of right / wrong answer questions / lack of structure in coursework etc.

Cue years spent bouncing from one job to another searching for one that doesn’t send me into a daily spiral of anxiety and stimulate a fight or flight response to get the hell out of there. Worst job to date was client facing delivering projects / running meetings etc. Had to leave after a year, went to doctors due to weight loss etc from anxiety of it all. Found a more process focused role which suited me better. Left to be a SAHM and haven’t worked since.

Very competent in everyday life in my safe space,great friends, family, home and I run it all, but crippled with fear of failure when working and constant perfectionism. Just about to work out what I want to do next and get back to work and I need to choose VERY carefully as I can’t live with the physical and mental affects of the anxiety again and I definitely can’t put my children through it either. OH is completely the opposite, incredibly high functioning, senior level corporate position but give him multiple tasks to complete at home with the children and he gets overwhelmed.

@UpperLowerMiddleClass Absolutely everything you said describes me to a T, in my former academic-related profession job. It used to baffle me how my colleagues seemed to have this innate knowledge of how to interpret and respond in these meetings, I may as well have been trying to speak Greek. Totally resonate with the being stuck in "observer mode" too.

I've often wondered about autism/ADHD, but in other contexts I think I'm very good with relationships, emotional intelligence and reading social cues. But I don't think it's a confidence/anxiety issue either, as no amount of confidence could compensate for my complete lack of comprehension in these situations!

So amazing how many of you feel like this @PansyP I’m sorry this thread made you cry.

I’ve been thinking and another thing I’ve remembered that I do is when I know I’ve got a meeting coming up or a situation where I’m going to have to make a decision about something specific, no matter how tiny and trivial that decision is, I will spend all day googling until I find examples of what others would decide in that situation and crucially, justification to back it up.

For example, let’s pretend I launch products for a living, and need to tell a client the best day of the week to launch their product, I’ll literally scroll online forever until I find info from even the most tenuous source that says “products should be launched on a Tuesday because x,y and z.” I can’t find reliable knowledge in my own mind to make and back up a decision, and always assume others opinions are more valid than mine BUT only in a work setting.

I had a crap day today as I’m not sure about a decision I made re some garden work I’m having done. I’ve chosen paint for the fence but now I’m not sure and have been googling all day to see if there are any examples online of gardens with fences that colour - if I find none, that will confirm to me it’s the wrong decision. That’s how my brain works. Totally sounds like low self esteem doesn’t it but I really don’t think I have that!!

A PP mentioned something about gut instinct which made me realise I often feel I don’t have any GI. This has REALLY bothered me in the past as I often feel I have no GI when it comes to making important decisions re my DC. Like I can’t trust myself.