To wonder why I’m like this in every job I’ve ever had and so wish I could not work at all?!?

[Fudgingit85]

I’m confident, outgoing, educated and probably the sort of academic person at school most people would expect to have gone on to have an amazing career.

But in every job I’ve had - even Saturday jobs as a teen - anything that requires me to make a decision, I just can’t do and it makes me HUGELY anxious.

I started freelancing early in my career and whereas most FLs I know get anxious about where the next contract is coming from, I love the chop and change of it as a short term contract usually means I can do my bit then leave before I need to actually be responsible for anything. I have actually left contracts when I can see that it is getting to the point where I need to be more involved. I absolutely hate client meetings as i know my opinion will be called on and I’m useless - i never know what to say!! I’ve had so many cringeworthy work moments.

Thing is now, I’m in a long term FL role, being asked to manage clients and honestly, if a client asks me the simplest question, I panic and will worry/overthink about my response for days. I often feel I have no expertise to make an informed decision.

All of my peers that I started my career with are in senior positions, earning buckets and doing really well. I should be at their level but I’ve done everything I can to avoid it as I would be useless at it - I just can’t give counsel/advice.

What doesn’t help is my awful memory - it sounds so stupid but I often can’t remember the basics of my job (I’ve been doing it 20 years!!) to the point where I feel I need to have the kind of basic training I would’ve had as a trainee.

There are times where I feel I’ve done a good job but it’s usually when I’ve done my small part of a project and someone else feeds it back to the client. I absolutely cannot do the bigger picture stuff.

I really feel like there’s something wrong with me. I would love to not work not because I’m lazy but because the stress of feeling like this all the time is awful. Any decision I need to make, I find it hard to work out what I really think - I’m always back and forth thinking about what other people would think. Or I’ve just got no idea what the best option is!

Sounds awful but I’d actually like to be diagnosed with some kind of behavioural disorder - at least it would explain why I am the way I am.

Can anyone relate??

…to sum up, I’m just never able to take control of anything. And I don’t really want to - being a boss/leader is my worst nightmare.

Yes I'm like you and I'm diagnosed with ADHD. Though what you describe doesn't sou d necessarily like ADHD to me but more low self esteem. I don't free lance. I don't do self motivatiin. I need someone breathing down my neck to get anything done though it stresses the hell out of me.

I can relate though to the low self esteem, the impossibility of making decisions or taking on responsibility and feeling like I dont even remember or know the basics of my field

I can so relate! I'm also useless in meetings, I hate being asked for my opinion because I usually don't have one. I just want to be given tasks to do, I complete one and then move on to the next one. Simple. But no, somehow I'm now in a manager's role and I have to try and plan out work and develop people and navigate office politics and I hate it all.
I also have no memory, I forget what people have said, where things are saved, you name it. I have to write everything down or I don't have a hope. I'm constantly winging it and one day it is all going to go horribly wrong.
My dream is to win the lottery so I don't have to work any more because did I mention that I hate it?! So I don't have any advice but you are absolutely not alone.

I have no answers, but I can really really relate too! I'm also like this in my personal life, trying to make decisions about doing work on the house is overwhelming. I really hope someone comes along with an answer.

Can relate to at least some of this! Following with interest.

The memory stuff - are you menopausal ?

It sounds to me like you need to have a chat with your GP and perhaps a therapist to get some support

For me
I used to be quite shy.
Then slowly using self help books, eg Brian Tracy, dale Carnegie, Tony buzan, books eg 48 laws of power etc. They helped build my confidence and strategic perspectives

My memory

I prefer to write the information I need in a project book that I can then refer to and keep updates in.

When charting a course of action, I'll admit i can be rash under pressure and at times I do buckle, but I try to rechart my perspectives as and when needed.

I'm confident in my abilities and use the lines of this may sound daft but then it gives me chance to learn more about x from others without sounding like I know it all, as most of the time I'm like a goldfish,

Overall sometimes we have to take control, assume confidence, and as long as we know our roles, our limits, our expertise etc, then keep trying our best, and if all that goes pickles, then learn and rebuild.

You could have ADHD. Or are you possibly in the wrong job/industry?

I felt like this in my 20s at work. I worked in publishing, which should have been an ideal fit for me, but I just couldn't cope with it in much the same way that you are describing here.

I refrained as a midwife, which seemed like a total left field move to anyone who knew me, but I have now been doing it for 10 years and I am excellent at it. Decision making is still hard for me (I do think I may have ADHD) but I don't doubt my knowledge and abilities like I used to.

ADHD

Posted too soon. I’m similar to this in some ways. I’m not diagnosed, but am certain I have adhd. If I didn’t I might have got round to arranging a diagnosis. I am in a fairly senior role but I can only manage it as I have a brilliant team and my day is doing lots of small tasks. If there’s a big thing I have to really force myself to engage and delegate to get other people to do things for me. I have to plan any speaking in meetings beforehand. I now work abroad in a very different culture which helps as I think in the UK I am seen as very odd. I used to be a consultant and also enjoy the thrill of the new and get easily bored.

How old are you OP? Can you take a career break?
You sound like I used to be, and then (at risk of sounding a terrible bore) I went off travelling. I volunteered and joined an expedition for several months and really pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I came back with a new found confidence.

I really think some personal development like this could help you. Because I was doin gb totally new things with totally new people in totally new places and everything was transitory - it gave me the freedom to take more risks, because after all, I would never do this / come here / see these people again. Except in most cases the risks paid off, and my confidence shot up, and the times when things didn’t go so well I could just learn from it and realised that it wasn’t the end of the world and people still seemed to like me despite the fact I messed up!
And when I came home I chose to keep in touch with some of the people, which helped me to keep tuned into my newfound sense of self and … everything got easier.

Just my story, ai do realise the whole ‘I went travelling and found myself’ is a tedious trope, but… it worked for me.

I think ADHD too - it sounds as though a lot of what you describe is the anxiety that comes from masking a constant internal distractibility and possibly also the blurting that comes from the impulsive kind.

the inability to recall basic processes or formulae sounds very familiar and is due to processing issues which often go along with ADHD. I basically did everything 'live' when I worked in an office - worked it out in my head on the fly, instead of being able to rely on muscle memory.

Oh, and ADHD stands for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Mumsnet diagnoses everyone who finds life hard with ADHD. Even if they have no issues with attention and / or hyperactivity. It is very annoying.
Yes people with ADHD find life hard. Not everyone who finds life hard has ADHD.

I agree, this constant diagnosing everything who has a bit of a struggle with ADHD is just ridiculous. I can relate to your post in some ways OP and I certainly don't have ADHD, I just lack self confidence, and even when people tell me I am doing a good job I don't quite believe them. I even retired a year early because I was going to have to learn something new, and then turned down the offer of another job, which I had done as a temp, as when they made it sound as though they really wanted me I thought they were thinking of someone else. I'm simply a person who looks at all the ways things could turn out wrong, I always have done, but I have no issues with attention or hyperactivity, nor do I have anxiety (another MN favourite).

I have these tendencies and have struggled with this in the past. It’s better now. Some thoughts/questions -

What was your upbringing like? I had very dominant parents and wasn’t given much space to have my own opinion or make up my own mind. Therapy helped with this.

Think about therapy, no matter what you think is the cause.

Did you have any negative early career or school experiences that could have made you afraid of making a mistake?

Are there any areas in your life - outside of work - where you do feel in control/confident?

Is the job the wrong fit for you? The answer to the previous question might help you figure out what might be a better fit.

Think about getting a coach - a work/executive coach, rather than a ‘life coach’. They could really help you with working this through in real life.

Just try and do the stuff you’re afraid of. It’ll prove to you that you can and set up a more positive feedback loop in your head, than avoiding it because you feel you can’t do it.

Wow. I thought I was the only one like thus. Thank you for posting this - I'll ge watching the responses with a great deal of interest.

I am autistic and know that I have a brain that functions like it's trying to run through frozen treacle. I'm very academically capable but have the common sense of a brick.

I do have a professional job/career (architect) and feel like a resounding failure every single day.

There can be a lot of overlaps with how autism and ADHD present so those suggestions are interesting.

Not rtft yet, but I feel similar in my current role. Never felt that way in my previous career (primary school teacher) possibly because of the immediacy of most of the role.

Thanks for posting this, OP.

You have just described me. I have been doing my job for 22years from a beginner trainee level and in a few months I will be officially certified as a senior and be responsible for training younger colleagues, run a department, initiate and make changes. And I feel like I know nothing. I feel like I need basic 1st year level training. I have absolutely no memory. I feel like I have absolutely no memory. I don't know which is true - whether I genuinely don't have memory or whether I feel like that and so it becomes true.
I receive compliments on my job and I am hugely liked by colleagues and service users but like @Threenow , I feel they are talking about someone else. I don't believe it.

I start night shifts tomorrow and I lie awake unable to sleep due to anxiety about all the decisions I have to make while on duty.

I have delayed getting to certification level in my career because I will become a leader. And now that I can't delay it anymore, suddenly my brain says I need to change career.
I haven't even started applying for jobs which colleagues at my level started doing months ago.
I am in counselling but no change. Done cbt, no change. I also think a diagnosis will be a relief but maybe that would be me hiding behind it.

I will be watching this thread.

I'm like this and I have ADHD.

Sounds like poor 'executive function' which those with ADHD struggle with. I sometimes get 'paralysis through analysis'. It's not that I'm scared to make a decision, or even that I can't think of anything....its more like a FOMO. I have a good idea.....but then have another one....and another one. I want to come up with the best possible solution. I always think there's a better answer out there so can be subject to procrastination.

Accept that good enough is, well good enough! A bird in the hand and all that. Think, assess, decide do!

Another person here with ADHD who relates strongly to your post. I would just that add that my diagnosis utterly transformed my work life as I stopped trying to do things the expected way and pretending to be like everyone else and started doing things in a way that worked with my brain and just became more productive, reliable and confident.

When I'm asked for my opinion I outline the risks and benefits of the different options. You could try that. You can follow it up with "I think if thing 1 is more important to you you should do x, otherwise do y".

With the memory thing, I often find that I actually do know how to do all the steps, I just don't have much confidence in my memory, so I second guess each step. I also do forget a lot of things too. The memory thing is actually a lot easier once you've been in a job for a while though as it's much easier to learn stuff with repetition. If you're always working with people who have been in the job for ages, no wonder they are all better at remembering how to do things - they've had the benefit of repetition. You need to see/do a process with supervision usually two or three times with supervision before you get it memorised and even then it's good to have written instructions if you only do it now and again.
You do sound as if you lack confidence, and I wonder where that came from. For me it was my mother who would go mental if I did anything even mildly stupid or clumsy, and I was a clumsy, forgetful child (DD was diagnosed with ADHD, I suspect I have it too). I work in a lab with dangerous chemicals now and I'm fine. I got some sympathetic, practical help with my clumsiness during my degree and it went away. You can learn to change if you are in a supportive environment. Maybe if you stick around in this job and build some relationships it could become that for you.

I start jobs I'm fantastic pick it up quickly really go above and beyond to impress. I'm creative and have loads of ideas. Eventually, ( typically 6-18m) I start to struggle, make mistakes and often end up anxious/depressed and have to leave.

I have asd and suspected adhd.

After a particularly bad experience where I had a breakdown I ended up being a sahp for a couple of years. When I ventured back into work I thought very hard about what I wanted to do and found a job I can enjoy part time. I am very fortunate I have a partner to support me . I've been there nearly 3 years and it's going well. I tried to go in with a steady happy to learn approach. I do make mistakes but it is a slow paced job so there's time to correct them.

If you are happy with the work I'd try to accept this is you. Don't compare yourself to others. You are doing the best you can with what you have.

Op I'm a freelancer too. I work in design and when I lost my last office based job I decided to start up my own business specifically because I struggled with the personal and client interactions at work.

Going freelance means that can specifically do the parts that I want to. I have advertised myself to other businesses and mostly subcontract for them as a silent resource. They come to me with a sketch, I draw it up, my client goes back to the customer without me ever needing to speak with them directly.

Is something like this possible with you? Its been a great relief to me.

Rather than ADHD, this sounds like perfectionism to me, which has led to anxiety around decision-making. The memory thing is a result of thinking about the wrong aspects of the problem because of the fear of decision-making. Therapy and decision-making strategies is what you need if you think this is the case.