To wonder why I’m like this in every job I’ve ever had and so wish I could not work at all?!?

[Fudgingit85]

I’m confident, outgoing, educated and probably the sort of academic person at school most people would expect to have gone on to have an amazing career.

But in every job I’ve had - even Saturday jobs as a teen - anything that requires me to make a decision, I just can’t do and it makes me HUGELY anxious.

I started freelancing early in my career and whereas most FLs I know get anxious about where the next contract is coming from, I love the chop and change of it as a short term contract usually means I can do my bit then leave before I need to actually be responsible for anything. I have actually left contracts when I can see that it is getting to the point where I need to be more involved. I absolutely hate client meetings as i know my opinion will be called on and I’m useless - i never know what to say!! I’ve had so many cringeworthy work moments.

Thing is now, I’m in a long term FL role, being asked to manage clients and honestly, if a client asks me the simplest question, I panic and will worry/overthink about my response for days. I often feel I have no expertise to make an informed decision.

All of my peers that I started my career with are in senior positions, earning buckets and doing really well. I should be at their level but I’ve done everything I can to avoid it as I would be useless at it - I just can’t give counsel/advice.

What doesn’t help is my awful memory - it sounds so stupid but I often can’t remember the basics of my job (I’ve been doing it 20 years!!) to the point where I feel I need to have the kind of basic training I would’ve had as a trainee.

There are times where I feel I’ve done a good job but it’s usually when I’ve done my small part of a project and someone else feeds it back to the client. I absolutely cannot do the bigger picture stuff.

I really feel like there’s something wrong with me. I would love to not work not because I’m lazy but because the stress of feeling like this all the time is awful. Any decision I need to make, I find it hard to work out what I really think - I’m always back and forth thinking about what other people would think. Or I’ve just got no idea what the best option is!

Sounds awful but I’d actually like to be diagnosed with some kind of behavioural disorder - at least it would explain why I am the way I am.

Can anyone relate??

I am the same op. Have just messed up another job after 3 weeks due to anxiety. I really hate myself for not being able to get past it.

This resonates with me as well OP - not the exact difficulties you have as I have a good memory and can make decisions (although that doesn't stop me worrying about them at times).

But I don't like having to say things in meetings - I never know what to say, and feel that people are thinking I am talking nonsense - and I am not a detail person - I get bored with detail, but on the other hand feel like my brain isn't big enough to see the bigger picture!

I have had problems with a few jobs - some down to me, some down to bad luck with a boss, but I now work somewhere where the professional expertise that I do have is respected, and I am not asked to do things I am rubbish at. I think a lot of problems at work arise because employers want the moon on a stick and eg in an annual appraisal spend 5 minutes talking about what you are good at and 55 minutes about what you're not good at, whereas it should be the opposite (unless you are truly rubbish at your job, never turn up to do it etc!) So the lesson is to find the right job type, or the right employer, or both.

Yes, but the name is highly misleading, mainly because it's been named after the symptoms that present in younger, mostly male, more hyperactive people.

The original name for ADHD was hyperkinetic disorder, it was only changed to an attention disorder once they realised what was behind the hyperactivity (a lack of inhibition, aka impulse control). This is also what's behind most of the distractability, because a neurotypical brain can inhibit distractions ie not pay attention to them because they are focusing on something else. This is an example of one of the problems in ADHD - that inhibitory system does not work properly.

Then when it was first classified as an attention disorder, you had two separate diagnoses - ADHD and ADD, because it was recognised that it is possible to have the inattentive symptoms without obvious hyperactivity. But then what they found was that the hyperactivity is basically a red herring anyway; the other symptoms of ADHD persist into adulthood whereas the hyperactivity goes away. People grow out of that part but they don't grow out of the rest of it. This is why they used to say that ADHD was a childhood disorder. We have better understanding about it now. And some people do not have the hyperactive part at all. Nevertheless, the diagnosis is now rolled into one umbrella diagnosis: ADHD, whether or not the person has hyperactive symptoms. And if they do have hyperactive symptoms then these have generally disappeared by adulthood anyway.

So it's not true to say that an adult with no hyperactivity doesn't have ADHD. It is very rare for an adult with ADHD to be hyperactive.

On the attention side, ADHD does not impair all kinds of attention. There are thought to be several different types of attention in psychology, and ADHD mainly impairs the "Selective Attention" type which is about filtering out distractions, as well as "Executive Attention" which is about sustaining effort towards goals over a longer period of time. The type of attention that you might most often think of as focus or concentration (paying attention to this thing that I'm doing right now) is "Sustained Attention" (AKA "Focused attention") and is NOT directly impaired in ADHD, in fact, most people with ADHD can focus perfectly well on something as long as it is ticking some box such as being interesting, challenging, or providing an immediate reward (e.g. video games, social media).

So, again, it's not true to say "if you can focus on things then you don't have an attention problem and don't have ADHD". This is just not how it actually works.

The reason people bring it up a lot is because it's a disorder that has been misunderstood for a really long time in the general public understanding, and still is, to the point that a lot of the time people assume that they can't have it, because if you assume it's an attention and hyperactivity disorder, and you don't have problems with those things then why would you even consider it?

The name should be changed IMO.

I'm following this with interest too....

You cannot do a blood test or a brain scan for ADHD.
As there is nothing that you can see or test for it is literally diagnosed by the manifest symptoms.
So if the symptoms are ‘wrong’… what exactly is ‘it’ that you are you talking about?

I think the conclusion is that ADHD is an outdated diagnosis, but as quite a few people are keen on taking stimulants to make increasingly chaotic and demanding lives more manageable, and as quite a few pharma companies are keen to sell them to us …

You sound like my DH, he cannot make a decision to save his life. Even if we go to a restaurant we’ve been to 100 times before he will sit and stare at the menu unable to choose something, until eventually he can’t put it off any longer and he’ll pick something at random then sit there miserably wondering if he’s made the wrong decision.

Can't speak for anyone else, but I'm actually totally normal in my capacity to choose what to have off a menu in a normal timeframe! Tbh most decisions I make on a daily basis don't present any problems. I think it's only if I perceive them as being both high stakes, and having no clear or definitive solution.
My DH is actually the exact same about the menu issue, drives me batty! Maybe I should try to be more empathic about his processing issues 😂

Yes same, day to day I’m fine, particularly if a decision only affects me.

I think the problem at work is there an underlying worry that someone will tell me what I’ve done is wrong.

The other point is meetings! Loads of people seem to have the ability to pad out a meeting / call for over an hour. If I’m running a meeting I seem to have made all my points in about 5 mins. It’s so embarrassing.

I wish I could talk and have opinions, I just never seem to know what to say. people will debate points for ages and I just don’t have an opinion to care either way.

(Presentations are fine because it’s more of a script).

If that's what you got from my post then I'm not sure you were paying attention!

There are plenty of disorders (mainly in the mental health field) which don't have a blood test or a brain scan to detect them. And actually there are aspects of ADHD which can be identified via brain scan - it's just too expensive and not very reliable so they don't bother.

ADHD is actually very well studied and the scientific understanding is clarifying all the time, so it's not an outdated diagnosis at all... just the understanding of what it is has changed, so the name is outdated.

You sound exactly like me OP! I could have written your post myself.

You sound like a detail person who does not leadership roles, as you don’t like decision making.

That’s ok. I am too!

OP I totally relate to what you said about not being able to decipher what clients were telling you. I'm a SAHM now, but when I had an office job I really struggled when we had meetings with external stakeholders. I felt like I couldn't translate what they were asking me. But my colleagues had no problem answering their questions, and when I heard their replies I'd always think ahhh that's what they were getting at. And I knew all the answers, I just didn't know what I was being asked!

It was a skill I could never pick up, and I always felt like I'd missed the first day of class, like there was something really really basic that I couldn't understand.

Thanks for putting it into words, it's so hard to describe, I thought I was the only one with this bizarre deficit!

There is no diagnostic blood or brain scan test for schizophrenia, depression, or anorexia or autism or tourettes or dementia either, are all mh and developmental conditions not diagnosable either now or dies this only apply to adhd?
Op ithink you have negatively reinforced your fear. Maybe try to speak more in meetings / do the lm for 2 people etc as you can do it.

Being academic isn't really an indicator of your potential esrnings IMO unless you're going into something like engineering. Most wealthy people I know are of above average intelligence but more importantly very driven or very good with people.

What job do you do @resilienceabloodygain ? Does it suit you?

I’ve had a variety of jobs but I work best where I am supporting decision makers by doing all the research and analytical work, writing it up and then letting others make the decisions 😁

No good saying what my current job is as it has turned out to be crap and not remotely what the job description said!

@Mushroo I'm the same in meetings, and in interviews. I give a fairly succinct answer and I feel like they're always looking at me, waiting for more. Nope!
Also in any situation where someone explains something to me and asks if I have any questions. And I don't think it's shyness, I just literally don't have any!

100% yes. My mind goes completely blank if I get asked if I have any questions!

Im so glad you started this thread, it’s made me feel less alone. Everyone else at work is so competent.

Have you been tested for ADHD?

I sympathise and can outline a similar pattern - clever, confident, good A-Levels despite family tragedy and good degree from a good uni.

But I am terrified of decision making and responsibility. I've always found work incredibly stressful - even basic, low-level jobs. And I've always had terrible stress Headaches (which I'm worrying that I've always assumed were from stress but might not have been!)

l'm fascinated by rules and procedures and would have loved to be a lawyer or police officer but the thought of deciding someone's guilt or innocence or being responsible for someone's business or house move - terrifying! Same for doctor, dentist, social worker - anything where people would have relied on my judgement.

So never been in a job longer than 4 years!

I might be ADHD or autistic (my son is) but actually I think its low self esteem. I did brief life coaching with a colleague as a laugh once and that's what he thought. It doesn't matter how much other people rate you if you don't believe them.

Coaching might help as well as all of us knowing we're not alone!

I am exactly like this. Everything you have said resonates. Im pretty sure I dont have ADHD. Ive always thought it was a lack of confidence/self esteem.
I also like small easy tasks and dont want any kind of leadership role. And I avoid anything which involves me having to speak out about anything in a meeting. I alsohave thesame problem at home. Ive been wanting a photowall for years but stilldontgaveonebecause I cant make a decision about which style photoframes or which photos to use. Its so frustrating.

I'm grateful for the thread too. I've read plenty of others that I somewhat related to, where ADHD was mooted as a possibility, but this thread seems to describe my issues much more closely.

Thank you for this. Like a previous poster I grew up in a household with one particularly dominant parent and there could be stressful consequences if I dealt with things the “wrong” way so I would analyse things deeply in advance to try to avoid this. I would also hide in books etc to try to run from my anxiety. I’ve had jobs where attention to detail was hugely important (finance related) and this was probably the wrong choice for me - there were real consequences of getting it wrong and I found it difficult to be comfortable in the job.

Also I know I know I know I should step away and not engage but

So if the symptoms are ‘wrong’… what exactly is ‘it’ that you are you talking about?

I don't mean the symptoms that are used to diagnose it are wrong. They don't assess people for ADHD by asking you "Hey, what problems do you have with attention and hyperactivity?"

What I mean is that the poster saying OP has no problems with hyperactivity and/or attention therefore they do not have ADHD which is a hyperactivity and attention disorder - most likely has an incorrect idea about ADHD.

But doctors trained in diagnosing ADHD do not look for hyperactivity in adults, and they do not look for problems with sustained/focused attention, so this is not a problem of the medical model. The medical model of diagnosing ADHD uses the actual symptoms that are studied and known to be attached to ADHD - which are to do with poor inhibitory control and problems with selective and executive attention (and some other things, such as organisation and time management).

The problem is that the layperson's understanding of ADHD is incorrect, because a layperson typically assumes that attention = sustained/focused attention, not the other types, and they assume that it is a hyperactivity disorder, which is outdated because we now know that the hyperactive symptoms are a failure of inhibitory control, but hyperactivity is not the only marker for poor inhibitory control. The average layperson also does not know about the distinction between the different subtypes (inattentive, hyperactive or combined) or the older distinction of ADHD / ADD.

This is understandable because it is literally called ATTENTION and HYPERACTIVITY disorder. But it is still incorrect, and it's an assumption that stops people from even considering that it might be a possibility.

I actually really like my job now. It’s creative in a funny kind of way and my colleague usually has an answer if I’m stuck on decisions.

It feels to me that so many people feel this way that it’s not unusual and it’s not our brains that are “wrong”, it’s the expectation of how we are supposed to be in modern life. If I was born 200 years ago, trying to grow vegetables and milk a cow, I’m not sure I would even have registered that I feel this way.