To wonder why I’m like this in every job I’ve ever had and so wish I could not work at all?!?

[Fudgingit85]

I’m confident, outgoing, educated and probably the sort of academic person at school most people would expect to have gone on to have an amazing career.

But in every job I’ve had - even Saturday jobs as a teen - anything that requires me to make a decision, I just can’t do and it makes me HUGELY anxious.

I started freelancing early in my career and whereas most FLs I know get anxious about where the next contract is coming from, I love the chop and change of it as a short term contract usually means I can do my bit then leave before I need to actually be responsible for anything. I have actually left contracts when I can see that it is getting to the point where I need to be more involved. I absolutely hate client meetings as i know my opinion will be called on and I’m useless - i never know what to say!! I’ve had so many cringeworthy work moments.

Thing is now, I’m in a long term FL role, being asked to manage clients and honestly, if a client asks me the simplest question, I panic and will worry/overthink about my response for days. I often feel I have no expertise to make an informed decision.

All of my peers that I started my career with are in senior positions, earning buckets and doing really well. I should be at their level but I’ve done everything I can to avoid it as I would be useless at it - I just can’t give counsel/advice.

What doesn’t help is my awful memory - it sounds so stupid but I often can’t remember the basics of my job (I’ve been doing it 20 years!!) to the point where I feel I need to have the kind of basic training I would’ve had as a trainee.

There are times where I feel I’ve done a good job but it’s usually when I’ve done my small part of a project and someone else feeds it back to the client. I absolutely cannot do the bigger picture stuff.

I really feel like there’s something wrong with me. I would love to not work not because I’m lazy but because the stress of feeling like this all the time is awful. Any decision I need to make, I find it hard to work out what I really think - I’m always back and forth thinking about what other people would think. Or I’ve just got no idea what the best option is!

Sounds awful but I’d actually like to be diagnosed with some kind of behavioural disorder - at least it would explain why I am the way I am.

Can anyone relate??

I have no idea if the OP has ADHD BTW, I am just responding to the comments that a couple of people replying have made.

I can see why people have picked up on certain things in the OP (difficulty with decisions, overthinking, memory problems relating to routine tasks, trouble with big picture thinking, worried she has a behavioural disorder) - these are all things that manifest with ADHD. But not sure if that quite fits or not. It would be interesting if OP came back and commented.

You don't need to be a 'boss' to be a successfully person. You have a personality as well and some people weren't made to work in corporate careers and there's nothing wrong with that, I'm sure you have skills in other areas. I'm the same as you if it makes you feel less like alone. I've come to terms with who I am.

This descrbes me so well..I have been qualified as a nurse for 9 years but feel like a Newby and nowhere near ready to move up a band! have been dusanosed with innatentive type adhd (not on meds yet as new diagnosis)

I'm like this too..diagnosis by NHS of ADHD

I'm going to be blunt. You are literally running away from responsibility. And the way you prescribed it you liked the change between jobs and not sticking around to become more senior in that role and given more responsibility AKA expectations.

Also let's not self diagnose with mental health conditions. That's also a form of running away from taking ownership for ones actions and decisions.

Not to deminish what people with diagnosed ADHD and anxiety go through but people seem to forget that people are individuals who have free will over their life style choices.

You want to progress in life? Get the finger out.

@resilienceabloodygain ah well, you’ve probably got the job I’m trying not to go for!

I was a freelancer for years, after a couple of years or so of initial success I just lost it and 20 years on I'm useless. I've posted about it here before under various different names, but I could have written your post word for word.

I too feel like I need to be re-taught my job as if I'm a junior, I used to leave places all the time so as not to be held to account, unfortunately my current job I've been in 7 years and they are only just beginning to suspect how bad I really am. And definitely I can't remember anything from one day to the next. It's completely exhausting. I score very high on every self test for ADHD, I have every symptom I've ever read about but as I am now over 60 I was told diagnosis would be difficult and there's a queue as long as your arm for any diagnosis at all. So I just live with it, try to get by day to day.

Both the attention deficit and the hyperactivity can be entirely internal. You would never know. Also, people can be very good at dealing with it - again, internally - but at vast cost to their mental health.

I've got (diagnosed) ADHD and I can't say I find it particularly 'exhausting'. If anything, my wandering mind stops me clockwatching and makes the day go quicker. But I couldn't sit in a chair all day. No fucking way!

Have you been to any counselling? Sounds to me that you have very low self esteem.

You have already said to yourself all these negative things. I can’t make decisions etc… it’s all a self fulfilling prophecy as this is the narrative that you are feeding your mind with daily. It’s making you become the person that you think you are.

i was never really academic at school but done well with my career but only started doing well when I changed my mindset. I developed much better self esteem which was holding me back big time. I’ve learnt that what you say to yourself daily become who you are.

I would get some coaching/a mentor/see a counsellor. I doubt you have a memory issue but when we live in constant fear your brain goes into fight or flight mode and you forget everything. I’ve been there myself. Your mind has to be calm and you need self belief that you can get better.

if you are capable of doing well at school I’m sure you can make basic decisions at work. Sounds like you don’t trust yourself thats why you do so much research. When you do this it creates analysis paralysis and then you have too many decisions to make and can’t decide. You need to give yourself limited options and then trust yourself to get on with it.

I'm like this ADHD

Only skim read as need to be up super early, but a lot of the memory issues mentioned can also be the result of depression.

Most people don't seem to be aware that depression actually shrinks the hippocampus which is the part responsible for memory/learning (a smaller hippocampus is also a risk factor for dementia and I think alzheimers too).

Those who are suggesting low self esteem - it’s not that, although I can see why you’d think that. I’m really quite confident - speaking publicly/in front of an audience doesn’t bother me at all, for example. In fact, my dream job would be an actor/performer! BUT if I’m expected to speak with authority/expertise in a professional capacity, that’s when I fold.

@Dallidalli yes, I run away from responsibility in my career - but not in the way you think. It’s not because I can’t be bothered/am lazy - I’d love to be able to counsel clients with confidence and feel I know what I’m talking about but I just don’t. I can’t seem to assimilate anything I’ve learned or my experience and put it together to make an informed decision. I’ve got a friend who is such a high flyer and completely thrives on being challenged and dealing with problems - she loves it. I cannot ever imagine being like that.

@HangerLaneGyratorySystem yes, I feel like I need to start all over again with my job - but I’m pretty sure I’d end up in the same situation!

You can be depressed and not have low self esteem.

I find it annoying that people with high ‘academic’ achievements think this correlates to job performance (seniority and pay) when clearly it does not. That relies on additional and and/or complementary skills - such as decision making.

I don’t know anything about ADHD and instead think this is perfectionism, fear of being wrong/blamed, fear of being held accountable, not liking ‘attention’, imposter syndrome (not saying all of them, just these are common ones I’ve seen in the workplace). Even expressing a desire to have a behavioural diagnosis could be seen as avoiding accountability.

If you just want a task based role then you need to reposition what services you offer to manage expectations. There isn’t always a black/white right/wrong.

I would do some therapy to understand why this is coming from.

I would do some therapy to understand why this is coming from.

Surely you mean 'where'?

One question which it might be worth reflecting on:

Imagine that you have a high stakes decision at work. You don’t feel able to make the decision so I bring in a decision making robot. The robot makes the decision in your place. You are thinking about how he did in your own head (ie no requirement to report to someone else). Is he right, wrong or you don’t know?

I feel like if you imagine that in a few scenarios that will help you to narrow down if it’s confidence/imposter syndrome or whether there is something more underlying.

Surely I do, and surely you understood it?

@Namechangedforthis2244 hmm - I would probably assume the robot was right. I tend to assume that if someone else has confidently made a decision, they’re right but I think that’s because they would usually back up their decision with reasons/knowledge. I either can’t “find” the knowledge - even if it’s something I should know - or I can find reasons for so many different possible answers, I find it impossible to choose which is the “right” one.

I’m not sure that answers your question!!!

And those PPs mentioning depression - I really don’t feel depressed!

I have memory problems to do with Cerebral Palsy (oxygen deprivation around birth) and I am a bit like this. It would MOST definitely be worth talking to your GP about how things are for you, it may be fine, but it wouldn't hurt to explore. I had some physical problems as a result of my CP and ended up with a referral to neuro which was initially entirely because of physical issues, but I ended up with a lovely neurologist who has helped a lot with the memory stuff too. What you are saying in terms of being anxious in decision making rings true for me too. If you know that you may not remember all the factors/facts/views that different people hold, having to make decisions is really scary. You need help with this, it really is ok not to be ok.

What do you think the risk or consequence is of making the ‘wrong’ decision?

I did indeed.

But I'd also point out that it should be either:

Surely I do, and surely you understand it?

Or

Surely I did, and surely you understood it?

😂😂😂

This is very familiar. I've been working for 30+ years now and have learnt a lot of techniques to help me but I still really struggle to take good ( or in fact any) meeting notes that are useable to refer to later . I just can't do it . I cannot synthesise a lot of information and pick out the relevant bits to note down on the fly. I couldn't do it at university and I can't do it now despit those 30 years of work experience including thousands of meetings if not more in that time .

Despit this I even had a job for a while where I had to take formal minutes regularly. I loathed that job and my notes were completely unusable by anyone else but me. Even I struggled to type them up but as long as I did then very soon after the meeting I sort of managed . It too me ages though as I had to make sense of what I had written which often made no sense and was illegible 😂

I too am peerless when we are up against a problem with a tight and/or seemingly unachievable deadline . I can't however focus on one thing at a time without A LOT of effort and motivation. My boss says I have lots of ideas and conversations with her are very helpful in working out problems but keepinge focussed on one issue is difficult ( her polite way of saying impossible)

I can't really plan one thing, my mind ends up thinking of all the problems related to the issue at hand many of which are way outside my remit and I end up with way too many ideas or tasks to implement and can get overwhelmed when trying to prioritise as and work out actual next steps to do.

I had diagnosed adhd and I'm nothing like the OP. I have opinions about everything - usually good ones. Live the process of reallly understanding a clients needs and knowing or creating a solution for it. Feel very confident in my work knowledge. Naturally take a leadership role in fact hate being not-the-boss.

But I cannot decide anything about home life ... and feel a total fraud as an "adult".

Just saying not everyone with adhd has those symptoms and not everyone with those symptoms has adhd.

But it was 55 years of thinking/knowing I was "odd" and struggling with adult life, that finally drove me to a diagnosis, so maybe follow your gut OP.

@ReginaRegina

Earnings has just one ‘S’.