To wonder why I’m like this in every job I’ve ever had and so wish I could not work at all?!?

[Fudgingit85]

I’m confident, outgoing, educated and probably the sort of academic person at school most people would expect to have gone on to have an amazing career.

But in every job I’ve had - even Saturday jobs as a teen - anything that requires me to make a decision, I just can’t do and it makes me HUGELY anxious.

I started freelancing early in my career and whereas most FLs I know get anxious about where the next contract is coming from, I love the chop and change of it as a short term contract usually means I can do my bit then leave before I need to actually be responsible for anything. I have actually left contracts when I can see that it is getting to the point where I need to be more involved. I absolutely hate client meetings as i know my opinion will be called on and I’m useless - i never know what to say!! I’ve had so many cringeworthy work moments.

Thing is now, I’m in a long term FL role, being asked to manage clients and honestly, if a client asks me the simplest question, I panic and will worry/overthink about my response for days. I often feel I have no expertise to make an informed decision.

All of my peers that I started my career with are in senior positions, earning buckets and doing really well. I should be at their level but I’ve done everything I can to avoid it as I would be useless at it - I just can’t give counsel/advice.

What doesn’t help is my awful memory - it sounds so stupid but I often can’t remember the basics of my job (I’ve been doing it 20 years!!) to the point where I feel I need to have the kind of basic training I would’ve had as a trainee.

There are times where I feel I’ve done a good job but it’s usually when I’ve done my small part of a project and someone else feeds it back to the client. I absolutely cannot do the bigger picture stuff.

I really feel like there’s something wrong with me. I would love to not work not because I’m lazy but because the stress of feeling like this all the time is awful. Any decision I need to make, I find it hard to work out what I really think - I’m always back and forth thinking about what other people would think. Or I’ve just got no idea what the best option is!

Sounds awful but I’d actually like to be diagnosed with some kind of behavioural disorder - at least it would explain why I am the way I am.

Can anyone relate??

On topic, though, I sometimes struggle to remember where I've been earlier in the day as I travel around numerous client sites every day, sometimes only popping in for 15 mins.

I'm using fictional examples but it could often be something like:

Mon: Coventry, Birmingham, Worcester, Henley

Tue: Henley, Worcester, Coventry, Nuneaton

Wed: Birmingham, Henley, Coventry, Worcester

By Wed/Thur afternoon (especially if I've not slept well) I'm often thinking 'did I go there this morn or yesterday afternoon?' and need 30 secs to mentally retrace my steps.

@IDontEvenHaveACat the risks of a bad decision are a negative impact on my client and their business, or my team.

This sounds more like autism than ADHD @Fudgingit85 particularly " I've had no clue at all really how the meeting went or what the outcome was...it's bizarre!! And I HATE taking a brief from a client - it's like I can't decipher what they actually want - I'd get it all wrong or miss the main points."

Imposter syndrome? @Fudgingit85

I'm also a really (ridiculously) lateral thinker but can get mired down in obsessive detail and overthinking. I don't have an issue being direct though and in fact prefer it. That's why the construction sector is a much better fit for me than a corporate environment.

I found that in the latter people would often pussyfoot around the truth rather than just saying 'that'll never work'.

I do think it's possible to have a distinct personality type without it always being a NT disorder or some manner of syndrome.

I agree.
It sounds as thought you struggle to see things from others’ perspective and / or read the room, and this has left you with a sense of feeling around in the dark, knowing there is something you can’t see or understand and probably also affecting your confidence / self-efficacy.

I also agree with this.

Regardless of what label we slap on you OP, you’re still you, and your brain is still the way it is.

Have you considered roles that involve less interpersonal interaction and room for crossed wires? Process-based jobs where you can head down and beaver away without needing to be client facing? I bet a job like this would suit you better and do wonders for your mental health in the medium - long term.

Or @RoseBucket maybe I’m just an imposter? Maybe I’m just not good at decision making - everyone has things they’re not good at? Like @ReginaRegina said.

But yes @fuchiaknickers i do struggle to read the room particularly in a professional setting.

Another thing I’ve noticed about myself that really frustrates me is I’m terrible at remembering significant things friends have told me and it makes me appear as though I don’t care about them. I have a friend who I don’t see often but who is amazing at remembering things I’ve told her and will always ask things like “How’s your auntie? Did her doctor’s appointment go ok?” “What are your new neighbours like?” “How did DD do in her exam” etc and I won’t remember one thing she told me from last time we met.

Thanks @ReginaRegina - I basically need to take a step away from any kind of management and just do task-based work - like you say, head-down and beaver away. But in the role I’m in now, I’d be hugely letting down the person I work very closely with - they need me to manage clients to free their time up a bit. How on Earth do I explain to them I’m just crap at management/decision-making without coming across as a bit bloody useless?!??

It does.

Im not a doctor or an expert, but in my opinion, if you aren’t able to accurately critique a robot’s decision in your head then you aren’t looking at confidence/imposter syndrome/stress avoidance/subconscious concerns about responsibility etc.

If I were you I would be doing some reading around executive function. ADHD as pp have suggested often impairs executive functioning, but there can be other causes too. A chat with a gp would be helpful I think.

Do you have an understanding boss? I would decision make for an otherwise good employee who explained to me what you have explained here.

Ive got a guy working for me like this. He wants to progress/be promoted and doesn't understand why his task focus/lack of ability to decide in judgment calls means he cannot be at a senior level:(

Personally, I would suggest counselling as your post suggests you have low self esteem and struggle to believe in your self and your capabilities, which is why you give up or run away when things become difficult. It would seem like your fight or flight response is coming in to play due to the anxiety you feel. I have personally found ‘Inner Child’ Therapy to be so helpful and genuinely life changing for me.

I have been there and use to be very unconfident in my place of work, struggle to speak to customers on the phone, struggle to speak up for myself in meetings or believe I was very capable at my job, it hasn’t been a quick process but I am in a different role now, and I am completely the opposite to how I use to be, I speak to all types of people daily, face to face, and feel confident doing so, I am very vocal in meetings etc as I feel I have good points to make, and feel confident makes those points, and I now have faith in my abilities in my job to believe I am good at what I do, I’m human, I make mistakes, but I work hard, have a good knowledge of my work. The difference I feel actually amazes me sometimes, as there is such a difference to how I use to be, particularly in work, to how I am now. I hope your ok and start to feel more positive about yourself in the near future.

I read through your post and noticed you mentioned you have tried counselling, and they haven’t really made a difference to you.

I have had various forms of counselling over the years, including one to one, CBT and also mindfulness and whilst they helped somewhat, it never felt they they helped the route cause of my problems or the self-doubt and self esteem issues I had. Particularly, if I was really stressed, anxious or upset it was near on impossible to use any of them stuff I’d learned as I was too absorbed in how I felt to put the practices in to play, and sometimes knowing the stuff (CBT etc) but not being able to change my behaviour actually made me feel worse, as felt like a failure and there’s was no hope. I started Inner Child counselling at the start of this year and the difference is has made to me in 8 months (of 1 session for an hour for most weeks) has been life-changing, and I truly can’t recommend it enough to people. If you’ve had bad experiences with counselling it can make you feel deflated and like nothing will work, but I finally felt this was the missing piece to my healing journey.

Sounds like you lack self confidence, truth is you’re probably really capable. If the stress is too much, which it sounds like it is, have you thought of a career change and be in a role where you can do one task, then move on to the next? Life is too short to be anxious all the time. High powered jobs, executive levels aren’t for everyone OP. Nothing wrong in admitting it and you aren’t being unreasonable, just honest.

You have perfectly completely described me. I get so frustrated and angry with myself as what should be easy for me turns into an absolute nightmare - so embarrassing. As others have said for me it’s ADHD - having a diagnosis has given me so many hallelujah moments. I am incapable of so much because of my brain blocks and freezing. I would definitely suggest you look into it

Also wanted to add My lack of memory too is terrible, I’ve had relationships fail because I can’t recall anything and I’ve been accused of compulsive lying and deceit. Unless you live like this it’s hard to comprehend.

There's a lot there that resonates with me, especially the previous poster who talks about hanging on with my fingernails. I did very well at a school with a solid reputation and then did very well academically in higher education. And that's when decision paralysis really hit and I've found it hard ever sense.

There was a mention of FOMO above, and I do think there's a lot of that. I've freelanced since I graduated from my MA (didn't do a PhD because I couldn't decide what to do it in) , so for about 15-16 years. I wanted to do everything and felt I could do everything so it was not a confidence thing. The result is, I have quite an interesting portfolio career but I'm not progressing at all. As a result, I feel miserable professionally. Feel like I should be so much further ahead but I'm not sure in what field!! And I can't seem to decide on a day forward, should I retrain. I also have young kids which I feel is a bit of an excuse to procrastinate and keep freelancing here and there(I genuinely do enjoy being with my kids, as well).
Bit outing, but I found driving very very hard and I think that's related. I'm faced with too much information, too many choices and I get paralysed. Keen to read other people's views.

Thanks for starting this thread @Fudgingit85. You and many other posters have described my experience exactly and so much better than I could in my own words. Toward the end of my career, which I chose to leave due to the sheer exhaustion of just getting through the day, I was diagnosed (very late) with Autism but I frequently wonder if I have ADHD and it's that which has the most significant impact on my life. Recently I have started requesting face to face meetings with people I need to speak to about important issues because I realised that online or phone meetings are a nightmare for me. I tell them I am autistic and I have processing issues (which I definitely do) and that helps me feel less anxious when I know I'm losing the thread. I certainly feel less of failure at life by voicing it.
I'm going to investigate a further assessment of ADHD.
I hope you feel less alone because others' have described very similar experiences. I certainly do 🙂

I guess it stems from a fear of failure?

Firstly I would say stop comparing yourself to peers. If you don’t want to do Management, don’t do it. We have this obsession in professional environments on our career planning to say “what are your goals and where do you realistically want to be in X years, then a let’s work to get there.” It’s ok if the answer is “I want to remain where I am but just do what I do really well.” All places of work need someone to steady the ship to allow for app tue aspiring CEOs to sail through. Without the reliable and task focused folk a business doesn’t succeed.

secondarily it sounds like you have imposter syndrome. Badly. I would address this as it’s a monster if left unchallenged and sits it your head questioning you and your confidence. I suffer with imposter syndrome. It took me a long while to identify it as such and I sat some training and have control of it. It rears its head. I’m also a team lead at work in a senior position and mentor other colleagues - it’s so much more common in women.

I’ve no idea about anything else people are referencing but I would tackle that first as that’s something you don’t need a medical engagement for and can sort yourself.

I haven't read the thread other than your posts but based on what you've said I wouldn't be thinking ADHD.

It sounds like decision making is very stressful for you which is impacting on your ability to make clear, considered decisions.

And if you have difficulty getting the gist of what is expected of you and there are no other indicators that would suggest autism, you could have a specific difficulty with processing the pragmatics of language (pragmatics is the underlying meaning of language), there is a language disorder called Developmental Language Disorder which is quite common, although you've done well at school so if you do have a language difficulty it may be restricted to the pragmatics side of things.

Are you feeling very stressed in meetings which is impacting your ability to process what they are saying?

Also look into executive functioning.

Whether or not you do have anything diagnosable the main thing would be strategies (e.g. writing things down to support memory), maybe needing to let people know that you find it difficult to think on the spot so will get back to them on their question so you don't feel pressure in the meeting and can relax and try to take everything in, maybe getting the client to summarise the action points they want from you at the end of the meeting if that's possible

But also therapy to work through why decisions are so hard for you. Find out the underlying fear. Some of what you describe rings similar to a perfectionist mindset where the fear of making a mistake is clouding your ability to make decisions. But making mistakes is ok and how we learn. So I guess with the small decisions, try not spending so much time on them, just make a decision in 5 mins and see the outcome, did it go horribly wrong? Probably not (I think they do this kind of work in CBT). I'm rambling a bit but I hope you get the gist!

This massively resonates with me OP. I’ve reached the conclusion it’s some neuro-atypicalness executive functioning disorder. It’s not a lack of confidence or depression or laziness, it’s a hardwired inability to see the big picture/see the way forward, which makes decision making/leading a stressful nightmare. (the lack of confidence or depression or avoidance of situations where these skills are required stems from the inability, not lead to it.)

It makes life very difficult as an adult as you struggle to take control of your own life and shape its course. For me, it feels like drifting through life, occasionally catching a favourable current that takes you somewhere good, but mostly treading water watching others go places and wondering why you can’t do the same.

If you write down your reasons for making a decision then you can refer to that if you doubt yourself.

Do you ever get a ‘gut instinct’ or a feeling what decision to make? I think most people are born with this but stop listening to it, and maybe yours was pushed way down for some reason.

Is having to explain ‘why’ you are making decisions that is making you freeze?

ND! have a read about AuADHD