To wonder why I’m like this in every job I’ve ever had and so wish I could not work at all?!?

[Fudgingit85]

I’m confident, outgoing, educated and probably the sort of academic person at school most people would expect to have gone on to have an amazing career.

But in every job I’ve had - even Saturday jobs as a teen - anything that requires me to make a decision, I just can’t do and it makes me HUGELY anxious.

I started freelancing early in my career and whereas most FLs I know get anxious about where the next contract is coming from, I love the chop and change of it as a short term contract usually means I can do my bit then leave before I need to actually be responsible for anything. I have actually left contracts when I can see that it is getting to the point where I need to be more involved. I absolutely hate client meetings as i know my opinion will be called on and I’m useless - i never know what to say!! I’ve had so many cringeworthy work moments.

Thing is now, I’m in a long term FL role, being asked to manage clients and honestly, if a client asks me the simplest question, I panic and will worry/overthink about my response for days. I often feel I have no expertise to make an informed decision.

All of my peers that I started my career with are in senior positions, earning buckets and doing really well. I should be at their level but I’ve done everything I can to avoid it as I would be useless at it - I just can’t give counsel/advice.

What doesn’t help is my awful memory - it sounds so stupid but I often can’t remember the basics of my job (I’ve been doing it 20 years!!) to the point where I feel I need to have the kind of basic training I would’ve had as a trainee.

There are times where I feel I’ve done a good job but it’s usually when I’ve done my small part of a project and someone else feeds it back to the client. I absolutely cannot do the bigger picture stuff.

I really feel like there’s something wrong with me. I would love to not work not because I’m lazy but because the stress of feeling like this all the time is awful. Any decision I need to make, I find it hard to work out what I really think - I’m always back and forth thinking about what other people would think. Or I’ve just got no idea what the best option is!

Sounds awful but I’d actually like to be diagnosed with some kind of behavioural disorder - at least it would explain why I am the way I am.

Can anyone relate??

I'd second the idea of a work coach. I can relate to a lot of what you say.

Out of interest, what stopped you staying freelance?

You sound exactly like me! I'm highly educated but have never dared progress from unqualified, low-responsibility jobs because I even felt hopeless at that. I've never been able to contribute in meetings or answer questions.

I'm currently being assessed for autism, though I'm not sure the two things are linked.

Sorry no advice as I am exactly the same! I would love a job where I was just given clear tasks to do and could get in with it rather than have to take responsibility, but I have ended up in a job that requires lots of decision making/having to explain why I’ve made that decision and I hate it.
I’ve just accepted this is the way I am, and that we aren’t all born leaders.
(but it is lovely to know I’m not alone 😄)

Following! Why did you stop freelancing?

Yes to the work coach! It can be life changing (or job changing). I've two different types at different times, and have found it incredibly useful.

I have had many problems with work over the years, and like you just constantly long to not have to work. But the coaching really helps because it starts with where I am, what I'm struggling with here and now as well as in general, and works out practical and realistic solutions to try out. I can't recommend it enough.

Is there anything like that via your employer for free?

What do you actually do? Maybe you are in the wrong profession or maybe you are unconsciously sabotaging yourself because, deep down, you don't believe that what you do is valuable.

Following as well.

Thank you for starting this thread. I thought I was the only person who felt like this. Straight A student at school, top university and yet just feel like I can't handle the most basic decision or responsibility.

I sometimes feel like I am less and less capable as time goes on. The thought of any kind of leadership fills me with horror. New colleagues arrive full of confidence and make decisions which I am often (very silently) sceptical about, but it doesn't make me want to do the decision making instead.

I think it's chronic low self esteem and fear of failure, perfectionism etc. I often think my younger self would have despaired of me.

What feedback do you receive from others? It sounds like you're focusing too much on negatives which may be barely perceived by your colleagues.

Just adding my voice to the many.

I read your OP nodding. I’m an educated professional with 20 years experience in my profession. Recently, I changed jobs to specialise in a particular field and my new colleagues say they can’t believe I haven’t been doing this specialism for years.

Yet I am crippled with anxiety that I have no idea what I’m doing and feel like I need basic training. I have felt that way for 20 years.

I know it’s not true because when other people (friends and family) ask about my work, I know I sound very impressive and they don’t really understand what I’m talking about (specialist language etc.) so I clearly do know a lot about my field. I just seem to assume that what I know is just layman’s knowledge, rather than the accumulated knowledge of 20 years experience!

I definitely have imposter syndrome too. Constantly worried that my incompetence is about to be uncovered.

OP, it seems we are not alone.

Absolutely! I'm in the process of being assessed for adhd after years of struggling. I'm good at my job, get good feedback but constantly crippled with anxiety- i change job regularly because im afraid of being caught out.
Imposter syndrome, rejection sensitivity dysphoria, anxiety, indecision, procrastination... sometimes I think if I could get over all of it I'd be a lot further on in my career.

I've been given a load of recommendations for self help books and had some great support from a mentor on taking control but it's a long road.

Another one who can completely resonate. A high flyer at school, sailed through uni but any decision making at work paralyses me.

Even when I was working minimum wage jobs I’m ruminate over every interaction and end up dreading work.

I also procrastinate really badly, which leads to imposter syndrome that I’m actually useless.

I have actually volunteered to run the training sessions for new joiners so I’m forced to remind myself of the basics each year (despite being a chartered senior manager).

Interested to hear if anyone has solved this. I’d love to be someone who could give answers quickly and with gravitas, but I panic and overthink everything.

This sounds like ADHD to me too.

I could have written this post, except I don't play the lottery so don't even have that hope! 😩

Thank you all for your replies!

To answer some of the points raised:

I'm not menopausal - and anyway, I've ALWAYS been like this.

I don't think it's job-specific - I had various Saturday jobs as a teen - in a shop, catering etc and I was the same then. I've had other jobs outside of this career too - same. Like a PP said, I'd ruminate over every decision, no matter how trivial and feel incapable of making a considered decision. Didn't really think about it at the time, just thought I'd be more competent when I had a proper job. I get good feedback from people I work with but that's because I am good when I'm given a very specific task to do and it's a small task that's part of a bigger piece of work, rather than having to manage/oversee the bigger picture, iyswim - I've got good at swerving the decision-making so as to avoid showing my incompetence but there have been times when I couldn't avoid it and I'm sure comments about my crap-ness in that area have been made behind my back.

No issues with parents, I had a normal, happy childhood - like I say, I definitely peaked at school - top of the class at everything, really confident. Although when I got to secondary school, I realised there were other people more clever than me and that knocked me quite a lot as I was so used to being the clever one.

Memory - again, it's always been pretty rubbish. I feel like I just can't 'learn' or take in new information. How the hell I got good grades/a degree, I don't know. Maybe again, it's because learning a subject is much more specific and doesn't require decision-making in some ways?

Home life- like another PP , I'm the same at home. Having work done on my house is a nightmare. Deciding something such as a style of light switch will involve hours of googling, looking through magazines etc and I'll never feel like I have enough information/opinion of my own to justify my decisions. It's like I don't know my own mind.

I'm very similar OP.

Pretty high-flying at school, destined to do well, certain that I'd go on to have a great career.
But I didn't. In hindsight, I chose the wrong degree, and then just sort of fell into a career that I wasn't, personality-wise, quite the right fit for. So it's always been a struggle, and I'm at the same point as people 10+ years my junior.

I'm pushing 40 now, and just don't have the "get up and go" to seek out a new career change or try something brand new.
I've just had to come to the conclusion that I'm not very "work/career minded" and be okay with that.

It is hard though, because I see a lot of the people I went to school with, who I was much cleverer than, really flourishing in their careers and just seemingly doing adult life really well. Whereas I'm always clinging on with my fingernails!

Tbh I've made peace with it, that it's the ambitious get-up-and-go work-obsessed types that are the weird ones.

This is what my husband keeps telling me! It's hard to be self-accepting when you feel so out of sync with society's standards. I never feel like I'm a proper adult. I'm trying to think if there's any positive side to having this kind of personality, but nothing comes to mind.

I get what people are saying about ADHD being over-armchair-diagnosed on the internet, and I do think it's tied in with self-esteem issues. But the fact that so many people are saying they were great in formal education, when things have a clearly defined solution, but flounder when problems are more diffuse, and the processing/executive issues - maybe does suggest that there's some underlying neurological difference?

@zingally 'clinging on with my fingernails' - yes, exactly that!!

@DreamingOfRest that's how I feel - like I'm not a proper adult. I really don't feel as though I've matured since I was a teenager. I know lots of people say 'oh, I still feel 15' etc - but I actually do!! My friends all seem responsible and mature in their jobs but me....?

And, yes, I get that there's a divide between PPs who have ADHD or are suggesting it could be that, and those that say Mumsnet ALWAYS diagnoses ADHD or the like - but I do feel like there's something about the way my brain processes information. I've been in meetings before where everyone comes out outraged/excited/disappointed - basically all of the same mind about the meeting - and I've had no clue at all really how the meeting went or what the outcome was...it's bizarre!! And I HATE taking a brief from a client - it's like I can't decipher what they actually want - I'd get it all wrong or miss the main points.

If it is ADHD, what other signs would I notice - because my attention level seems ok and I obviously managed to focus and take in info at school?

I was late diagnosed with ADHD, meds are not going to magically cure this, but they do help when you find the right ones/dosage.

One of the things my doctor said to me when we were exploring the Dx, is that people with ADHD can be successful/achieve academically but it is always somewhat chaotic as we run on adrenaline rather than dopamine. That really hit home. I am peerless when my back is against the wall, my hyper focus could almost shut out the building burning down around me, but when I am not in that mode, life is a series of half started and abandoned tasks. I simply cannot start something that is not urgent and finish is effectively, although I am way better since being diagnosed.

Another hallmark is the fear of being "trapped" doing something with responsibilities and people relying on you. I can equip myself with huge amounts of knowledge about my latest interest, but ask me to utilise or monetise it, I lose interest immediately and wild horses can't make me find it again. It is very frustrating, and self sabotaging.

Could be some kind of processessing disorder, or could just be your traits. We’re all different and good at different things. If you know your main downfalls, can you work on strategies to help yourself?

I do feel like there's something about the way my brain processes information. I've been in meetings before where everyone comes out outraged/excited/disappointed - basically all of the same mind about the meeting - and I've had no clue at all really how the meeting went or what the outcome was...it's bizarre!! And I HATE taking a brief from a client - it's like I can't decipher what they actually want - I'd get it all wrong or miss the main points.

Does this inability to ‘read a room’ or connect manifest only in work situations l, or do you experience it in personal relationships too?

Classic “spiky profile”- i’m like this too. Great in some ways and shockingly inadequate in some. I find it all very stressful, and actually really upsetting as i know i can do stuff, I’m “successful” but then i can’t actually execute tasks or get paralysed. I am late dx autistic. That news was a shock to me but has helped me make peace with it all a bit.

Oh, that all resonates so much.

@NoSquirrels i think it’s just work situations?

And yes @StellaLaBella - “fear of being trapped” really hits home!!

@Overthebow i really don’t know how to help myself - it’s like when I need to make a decision, I reach into my brain for knowledge to help me make a choice only to find there’s none there….