To wonder why I’m like this in every job I’ve ever had and so wish I could not work at all?!?

[Fudgingit85]

I’m confident, outgoing, educated and probably the sort of academic person at school most people would expect to have gone on to have an amazing career.

But in every job I’ve had - even Saturday jobs as a teen - anything that requires me to make a decision, I just can’t do and it makes me HUGELY anxious.

I started freelancing early in my career and whereas most FLs I know get anxious about where the next contract is coming from, I love the chop and change of it as a short term contract usually means I can do my bit then leave before I need to actually be responsible for anything. I have actually left contracts when I can see that it is getting to the point where I need to be more involved. I absolutely hate client meetings as i know my opinion will be called on and I’m useless - i never know what to say!! I’ve had so many cringeworthy work moments.

Thing is now, I’m in a long term FL role, being asked to manage clients and honestly, if a client asks me the simplest question, I panic and will worry/overthink about my response for days. I often feel I have no expertise to make an informed decision.

All of my peers that I started my career with are in senior positions, earning buckets and doing really well. I should be at their level but I’ve done everything I can to avoid it as I would be useless at it - I just can’t give counsel/advice.

What doesn’t help is my awful memory - it sounds so stupid but I often can’t remember the basics of my job (I’ve been doing it 20 years!!) to the point where I feel I need to have the kind of basic training I would’ve had as a trainee.

There are times where I feel I’ve done a good job but it’s usually when I’ve done my small part of a project and someone else feeds it back to the client. I absolutely cannot do the bigger picture stuff.

I really feel like there’s something wrong with me. I would love to not work not because I’m lazy but because the stress of feeling like this all the time is awful. Any decision I need to make, I find it hard to work out what I really think - I’m always back and forth thinking about what other people would think. Or I’ve just got no idea what the best option is!

Sounds awful but I’d actually like to be diagnosed with some kind of behavioural disorder - at least it would explain why I am the way I am.

Can anyone relate??

Things that have crossed my mind while reading this, which may or may not be helpful…

You sound like an introvert trapped in a series of extrovert jobs. You’d probably be fine working in a library, or perhaps you could have been an incredible artist or excel something that you never tried like acting/construction. Basically you’re doing activities that don’t suit your skill set BUT you do have a skill set, everyone does. I wonder if parental expectations and decent school grades pushed you into jobs you are unsuited to.

Advising clients is a skill, not everyone has it, it’s ok that you don’t. Management is also not for most people. That’s why the army has loads of soldiers and far fewer officers. The officers make the decisions and the soliders carry them out. But most people aren’t officer material and that is ok.

You sound a bit like me and I do suspect I have ADHD, I never would have thought it would apply to me but a lot of the things I thought were anxiety seem to be ADHD related.

I’ve actually started several threads on here over the years (maybe under a different user name) asking what is wrong with me when it comes to work. I’m a fairly clever person but can’t seem to retain information like other people can. Other people get shown something once and grasp it, it takes so long for me to ‘get’ something and for it all to click.

I’ve also had to work really hard on multitasking, and writing myself notes because although I’m much better now I can just completely zone out and forget something.

I think upbringing is a large part too. I've got NT friends who would never have been able to speak in front of 50 workmates like I used to when heading up the bid function for a medium sized solicitors (although I did hate it).

Most of these friends have parents that were not very outgoing - e.g. parents of one run a pharmacy and have never had to do presentations at work whilst I come from a family of high flyers who are all NT and very competitive both at work and in sporting hobbies.

It sounds to me like there is some neurodiversity at play, specifically ASD as you've given a lot of signs in your post that this is in fact what could be at play. Take your time to research both the condition itself and how it manifests in female adulthood, go for some counselling to prepare yourself for a potential diagnosis and then source a good clinician who will be able to formally diagnose. Good luck.

I know! I really envy people who are like, "I'm so glad I bought this house next to a rail line, it's the best" or "Delighted I painted my walls red"... I could never 😞

PPs saying that the inattentiveness can be wholly internal are right, it takes a lot of discipline for me to focus on stuff I don't find immediately gratifying. I do best when I have projects I can just get to first thing in the morning because as soon as the day starts stretching, this bitch is procrastinating lol.

My executive function has matured as I have, thank god. I did a lot of stupid, impulsive shit over the years and am lucky not to have had any major consequences as a result, but I am still ashamed of some of it. Having a diagnosis has helped me a lot. I am convinced my mother and my brother are also ADHD, and I'm also extremely grateful none of my DCs have it. I marvel at their ability to schedule and do school work at convenient times, and not be panic typing/studying until the wee hours

It's incredible the amount of comments that it must be "adhd".
Stop this ridiculous diagnosis crap.

You’re in the wrong job! What inspires you and makes you happy? You have one life…. Go for it!

I haven't seen people saying that it must be ADHD. I've seen a lot of people with ADHD who have had a similar experience to the OP saying that in their case, undiagnosed ADHD turned out to be the reason they felt that way. And this isn't a thread with ADHD in the title or OP and yet it's attracting many, many commenters with ADHD which suggests that it really is a situation which is particularly familiar to that group of people.

I'm a primary school teacher and have been for 15 years. I still don't feel confident in what I do a lot of the time but have always had good results from the children I work with. Every now and then I will say something in a conversation and will think 'wow, I do know what I'm talking about!' But mostly I'm like you, and have spent many nights awake replaying conversations in my head and stressing about how people might have taken what I said and what they think of me.
I get so nervous when involved in the process of getting extra help for kids with extra needs or assessing their learning because I'm always second guessing myself. I'm so hesitant to put my opinion out there in case I'm wrong.
There are a lot of other things that have led me to this point of thinking but more and more in recent times I have been thinking about asking my GP about how I might go about being assessed for ADHD because I also don't feel that it is normal to feel the way I do a lot of the time!

I struggle with executive function, with staying in one place for too long and with low self esteem and anxiety. I’ve always been academically clever just can’t translate it into where I ‘ought’ to be compared to my peers.
Earlier this year I discovered I am menopausal and also that I have ADHD, I’m now on medication for both and it has made a huge difference in my confidence and my anxiety has all but vanished.
Whilst I’m not suggesting you have the same things going on I do think it’s well worth going to your GP and seeing if anything flags for them?

Take care and look after yourself.

Obviously I cannot diagnose you with ADHD but I have it and I have behaved very similarly my entire life. (Top of my class in school, living hand to mouth freelance projects as an adult).

My latest job in a push for greater accessibility in the workplace has had us all complete and send in a “Work With Me” form and oh my goodness what a great idea. You essentially hand over a document that describes who you are and how you work best. So for me that says (short version): give me a little while to mull over information before I give feedback/ ideas and don’t be offended if I’m doodling in a meeting as it helps me concentrate on what you’re saying.

i have similar documents for other people in my department and they are sooooo useful! Would highly recommend.

Sorry you are going through this but i think a lot of people do. Have you thought about counselling to address the anxiety? CBT? In extreme situations there are medications you can take to lessen the anxiety but there are also steps you can take to help handle it better

.

Can I please just kill the “library work is fine for introverts” stereotype now? 99% of any library role is customer service. Having worked as a library hiring manager for many years the amount of people that take jobs in libraries thinking it’s fine for the quiet types and get so stressed when they realise they actually have to deal with people is huge.

Sorry what? I have never heard this about the hippocampus?

OP I am very sympathetic with you
I am 20 years into my career but not nearly where I should be. I am freelance too but spent 12 years of it doing a job that was immersive and fun while I was there. But I didn't have to think about at all while I wasn't there

Now I am trying to run my own business and am crap at it. I feel like Douglas Adams "I love the sound of deadlines as they whizz by"

The feelings described here "clinging on " really resonate and I feel I more lurch from crisis to crisis

I am just a bit crap
Tbh

See my head is full of this kind of thing... I remember all of those things.
Song lyrics stuck on repeat
But forget work based stuff even when I use to do lists etc

@DiVilliers80 this paragraph sums out precisely how I feel at 45 and brought a lump to my throat

"It makes life very difficult as an adult as you struggle to take control of your own life and shape its course. For me, it feels like drifting through life, occasionally catching a favourable current that takes you somewhere good, but mostly treading water watching others go places and wondering why you can’t do the same."

What are these work with me forms? Is this something specific to your work or could I find one?

Very similar experience myself OP. I suspect autism and perfectionism esp if you did well at school you may never have learnt to fail at things and your self worth is caught up in always knowing the answer. Perhaps like me you have a lot of empathy and can see things from all different perspectives which leads to you thinking you don't know the answer. I think these are great attributes but sometimes they don't work well in a work environment

This sounds so like me, it's uncanny 😅
I tended to ascribe these issues to a general "fear of failure" kind of thing - making the wrong/poor decision, or letting a team down 'cos of such.

The other thing this thread has made me realise, is that I’ve always done well at exams because there’s a set answer. If you learn the material, it comes up in the exam, and you can just recall it. That’s fine in a written environment.

What I can’t seem to do is reach my own decision / answer. I can just recall other peoples conclusions.

So using OPs example of what day to launch a product - if I’d read somewhere that the best day to launch was a Tuesday, that would be ok. (I might struggle to remember that in a meeting, but I’d be able to send an email after the meeting saying ‘the best day is Tuesday’).

What I find hard is reaching my own conclusion. Like OP, I will Google to the ends of the earth and find any tenuous source, rather than have to conclude my own research.

It’s why I struggle in meetings because I just don’t have an opinion on anyway.

Adhd. 🤜🏻

It might be worth having a look at this too
https://drjonicewebb.com/
as some of the symptoms of what she calls Childhood Emotional Neglect are not having any gut instinct, not being able to read other people's feelings, getting caught in a job or relationship that you thought matched other people's expectations for you.

Neurodivergence runs through my family. Since my recent promotion at work I have bought a hardback notebook and each day I put the date at the top of the page and then write down key things - appointments, things that happened, to do list etc. I check it regularly to make sure I've not missed anything. It's early days but seems to be helping so far. I really get the feeling of imposter syndrome though, I feel like my work persona is a giant mask.

Imposter syndrome - quite common in working class background who have achieved really well. Get some hypnotherapy - it will change your life.