To think my parents really should move..

[Another360]

Hi,

So a bit of background, my parents are both in their early-mid 70's. They have lived in their current house for 35 years. It's detached, it has a lovely garden, which they take great pride in and is in a good area.

My sister and I now live in a similar area to each other, around 2 hours drive away and have done for almost 10 years. Currently, it's doable, as currently they're in OK health. By "OK", I mean nothing awful, but they've slowed down a lot in the past few years. My mums eyesight is pretty bad and she doesn't drive at all anymore and is often in unexplained pain. If my dad lost his license for whatever reason, they'd be screwed! My dad also has poor mental health and has had a couple of breakdowns (although they don't like to admit this) and during those times, it was very hard, as we obviously wanted to help more than we could.

They were all for moving closer to us a couple of years ago, as they could see it made the most sense, but recently they seem to have given up on the idea and have made lots of home and garden improvements and not with the idea of selling.

They will not really compromise on anything, mostly a large garden, which seems ridiculous to me, as they're not going to be manage it like they can now in the not too distant future and they already struggle.

They have no other family or friends in the are. We are their family and we both have dcs too, who they're very close to.

If they had other people around them - anyone, I wouldn't encourage this so much, but the thought of one of them becoming very ill and not being closer really worries me. My dad relies on my mum for everything so if she became very ill, or worse, I can't imagine how he'd cope - he wouldn't.

They really are just staying for the garden, which seems ludicrous to me. I do understand that it means a lot to them, but surely not more than being close to your family and having them near you when you really need them. It's not really a case of if, but when.

We were even looking at moving closer that way, as they really seemed to have dug their heels recently, but we just can't make it work with my dc and our work.

I see so many of these property programmes, where there's a couple making their final retirement move to be close to their kids and grandkids and they often need to make sacrifices and I wonder why my parents won't do the same.

It's not like I would expect them to live in a shoe box and just sick it up, but they don't seem to want to make any compromises now.

Anyone else in a similar situation?

Sorry for typos 😬

*Suck it up

Hi Op, if you go on to the Elderly Parents board you will find this is a common theme. Maybe it would help to show your parents some property particulars with lovely gardens near you so they can see they could still enjoy gardening?

We've been through this with my in laws. They refused to move when they were relatively healthy (which I understand was completely their decision). Now in their 80s, both of them have massively deteriorated and tell us regularly they would like more support. Well they should have moved closer then! So frustrating.

It sounds tough as you know your dad especially would struggle if anything happens to your mom.

Could you start keeping an eye out for properties closer to you with lovely gardens etc to try and get them considering their options?

I think sometimes the thought of packing up and moving is just an overwhelming idea. I know a couple who also have a large garden which they love, but can only manage because they have family doing the bigger jobs like hedge cutting etc. It may be that your parents will need to have a crisis point which forces their hand.

I'm not in a similar situation to you OP- I'm nearer to your parents' situation as the "elderly relative".

Have you had an honest discussion with them both about this, as in what do they envisage happening if something major happens to one or other of them?
Do they have realistic plans in place as to how they'll manage in the event of bereavement, major stroke etc etc?

These are not easy discussions to have but if they won't engage with it, then, in reality, there is little you can do while they still have the capacity to make their own decisions.

They are grown ups and it's up to them? Maybe if they feel get to the point that their health decreases further they might move then, but want to enjoy their house (garden)while they still can? Maybe they don't want their children to support them in their old age? Have you discussed it with them.

My parents are in their 80s, with failing health and live 4 hours away from me and my sibling. They don't want to move. I've pointed out that the flip side is that they can't expect day to day support from us. They are fine with this. They make their own decisions.

We went through this will FIL and sadly you can't make someone move, all you can do is reinforce what help you can do to manage their expectations if they have any.

If nothing else, it would be beneficial to everyone in the long run, if you and your sister had Power of Attorney - assuming you all have a good relationship and your parents trust you!

It can also be a useful tool to get the ball rolling with those difficult discussions.

Moving house/home is so traumatic. One spends so much money and time and effort getting house how you want it then it's time to move (or not)Starting again when in ones' 70/80 is not at all easy. I'd love to be able to downsize and release some of our equity but I really can't face the upheaval.

YANBU. My in laws are the same. They’ve been dropping lots of hints about me(! - not DH) looking after them in their very old age. Not gonna happen.

Having been through this but ten years on, yes, absolutely they need to downsize and relocate whist they are able to do it comfortably.

Even If all they do now is significantly de-clutter ready to move and start looking for suitable choices in readiness. This will help enormously.

You don't want to be in my situation when one dies, the other can't cope with grief and years later is very frail. But still with a full house of possessions, nowhere near ready to move. Now too frail to have good choices.

Yes, similar situation here with my parents.

Ultimately, though, they're adults and don't want to be uprooted, which I can understand. I have had to have serious conversations with my mum about the fact that if she chooses to stay put, then we can only offer her limited help with things if she ever becomes frail or infirm, and she says she understands that, but I'm not sure she really gets the full reality of it and ultimately I know we'll end up doing 400-mile round trips on a regular basis which is probably going to kill us before we lose my parents.

It’s difficult as you can see what’s going to happen.
If a move is hard now it will be even harder at 80 or if one of them is widowed and on own.
All you can do is have a conversation about how they envision future. If there’s buses and lots of in home care they may be content to stay put. Realistically you can’t provide much care 2 hours away.
My elderly neighbours have just moved to a bungalow before it gets to stage they must move and I think that’s very sensible they’ve chosen where to go, had a skip etc. He’s had a health scare and is thinking what if wife left on own. It’s very sensible and will make their and their families life easier.

Moving while still active ensures they can get involved and make friends in new area eg our village has a village in bloom group with ladies tending plants, WI etc.
Theres no magic solution I’m trying to persuade my mum to move near me. It’s a slow process - she visits a lot, point out what a nice area, point out all amenities etc.

My parents are in their 70s and about 5 hours away. Mum really wants to move. Dad won't engage with the conversation at all. I've tried and tried. He won't say he's against it or for it. Just that he doesn't see the point. I'm really sad for my mum who misses us and the DC and sees her years slipping away far away from us.

Assuming they have capacity, it is entirely their decision. If they wish to stay, they may. You will have to explain that if they need additional care/cleaning/gardening, etc., they must pay for it.

DH's mother is 87 and 240 miles away. DH is all she has in the UK. He visits monthly and pays for a carer to pop in once a day to check up on her, help with her lunch.

She had been in her 3 bed semi with large garden since 1959. It would be entirely cruel to pressure her to move.

DH and I are 62/63. I think you are being a little bit out-of order this is not your decision to make.

There are also a lot of emotions tied up in a house.
It's not just a house and garden - it's a place that's familiar (essential for functioning if memory not as good as it was), full of memories.
It's your refuge and safe place if it's been a happy home.
Sometimes the emotional ties win over the practicalities.

Ask yourself this, : " would I prefer DP's to be happy where they are albeit in a potentially precarious situation, or would I prefer them to be in a more practical setting but potentially unhappy?"

I would focus on looking at nice properties with big gardens close to your sister and you. Don't get into an argument over the size of the garden, though I agree they are being a bit blinkered over this. BUT - if that is a dealbreaker for them then let them keep a big garden. Gardeners can always be employed to help. The main thing is to encourage them to move to a more suitable location given their advancing age.

It's their home and their choice, we will also not be moving as we age just because we have a large garden. The amount of managing it needs really isn't that much, we just mow every now and again, everything else is allowed to just grow. They can always get a gardener in sometimes if needed. We plan to shop online if we become unable to drive and use a taxi or bus now and again if we need to. If they change their minds they can do it later, there's no need to force the matter now.

My mother moved after my Dad died and she couldn’t cope with the garden. She wished she had moved earlier, when he was still alive. We are now clearing her house after her death - she seems to have moved everything from the loft and garage in the big house to the small one. If you do persuade them to move, please persuade them to have a clear out when they do. My parents entertained a lot, and I’m dealing with four dinner services, plus all the myriad serving bowls and spoons and cutlery. She has never entertained since she moved (and knew she wouldn’t).

Pretty similar situation here. It's their decision to stay, it's just worrying. Its very daunting for them though, on so so many levels, to actually move now they're mid 70s. Physically, mentally, socially, emotionally,I just don't think they can do it. I have friends in similar situations with their elderly parents, we have pledged between us to all move near to each other, maybe to apartments or bungalows in another 20 years, hopefully before it becomes too daunting for us to move. So, I don't have any practical advice here, but I know how you feel and I think there's lots of people across the UK facing similar unfortunately. Maybe with their agreement you can find someone local to them, a 'cleaner/gardener' perhaps if a carer is too big a deal, get them to look in on them regularly. Then you know you have someone you can call on in an emergency.

Currently have similar - lives in huge 5 bed room house with a few stairs, a super large garden. In mid 80's - we only live 15 mins away but its the extra help she requires to maintain it. Wont ask any of the others for help only us. We dont have time to maintain her house along with our own aswell as work and everything life throws at you. Husband has shown a perfect house 10 mins from current house, and much closer to us, all one level, 3 bed with large kitchen dinner so everyone can still come for dinner. It has a lovely garden which she still be able do a bit of gardening and its also within walking distance to the town. She was entertaining it but now gone a big no. Husbands brothers and sisters don get it, dont see the need or the common sense for her to move but then they not seeing it day to day. I do get it that its her house her right to stay there where she has lived for 50 years however on the other side i resent when we cant do things at weekend as husband has to help her weed her garden ( we cant get anyone to do it unfortunately that's reliable ) or fix something that's gone wrong,

My DH's uncle and aunt love their house, it's a huge rambling old Vicarage but they have already recognised that it won't be fair on their daughters (or the rest of the family who would help as one of the daughters isn't fully independent) if they get to old age and are still living there as they have a LOT of stuff. I feel for them, but also admire the fact they've decided it's time to do it now in their 70s.

You just need to make it clear, repeatedly, that at 2 hours away you won't be able to be of any practical help at all.