To think my parents really should move..

[Another360]

Hi,

So a bit of background, my parents are both in their early-mid 70's. They have lived in their current house for 35 years. It's detached, it has a lovely garden, which they take great pride in and is in a good area.

My sister and I now live in a similar area to each other, around 2 hours drive away and have done for almost 10 years. Currently, it's doable, as currently they're in OK health. By "OK", I mean nothing awful, but they've slowed down a lot in the past few years. My mums eyesight is pretty bad and she doesn't drive at all anymore and is often in unexplained pain. If my dad lost his license for whatever reason, they'd be screwed! My dad also has poor mental health and has had a couple of breakdowns (although they don't like to admit this) and during those times, it was very hard, as we obviously wanted to help more than we could.

They were all for moving closer to us a couple of years ago, as they could see it made the most sense, but recently they seem to have given up on the idea and have made lots of home and garden improvements and not with the idea of selling.

They will not really compromise on anything, mostly a large garden, which seems ridiculous to me, as they're not going to be manage it like they can now in the not too distant future and they already struggle.

They have no other family or friends in the are. We are their family and we both have dcs too, who they're very close to.

If they had other people around them - anyone, I wouldn't encourage this so much, but the thought of one of them becoming very ill and not being closer really worries me. My dad relies on my mum for everything so if she became very ill, or worse, I can't imagine how he'd cope - he wouldn't.

They really are just staying for the garden, which seems ludicrous to me. I do understand that it means a lot to them, but surely not more than being close to your family and having them near you when you really need them. It's not really a case of if, but when.

We were even looking at moving closer that way, as they really seemed to have dug their heels recently, but we just can't make it work with my dc and our work.

I see so many of these property programmes, where there's a couple making their final retirement move to be close to their kids and grandkids and they often need to make sacrifices and I wonder why my parents won't do the same.

It's not like I would expect them to live in a shoe box and just sick it up, but they don't seem to want to make any compromises now.

Anyone else in a similar situation?

I get it op. I have the same with my parents. Last week I visited to see my Dad who has bad legs wobbling on a ladder while cutting a huge hedge. It wasn’t even overgrown. They won’t pay anyone to help and they throw negativity at any house you show them. If they had a smaller house and a more manageable garden it would easier for us all to chip in and help. I don’t know what the answer is, it’s very frustrating

Same situation here. Father 90+, mother in 80s, in Ok health but signs of deterioration. They live in a big house with big garden which they can’t manage. But they won’t declutter and won’t downsize and my siblings and I have given up talking to them about it. So frustrating. It’s made me as a parent obsessively declutter and plan to downsize sooner rather than later for the sake of our (adult) kids.

We’re going through this with my mum. She has a big house for a single lady and struggles to cover the bills/maintain it. It has a beautiful big garden and she can’t bear the idea of not having that anymore. Before the pandemic I managed to support her with the first steps but we’re now back to square one and we’re working through probate for a close relative so it’s not the right time.

I found it helpful to focus on what she’d like, really listening to her, and to say to her she didn’t have to do anything and we could stop at any point e.g. you can just invite the estate agents to value the house but you don’t have to market it afterwards, I’ll set up Rightmove alerts so you can see the houses nearby in case you want to view but you don’t have to, etc.

I do have siblings but it all falls to me because I “get” our mum. I’m not really the mum whisperer but I’m very patient and years of working with vulnerable adults has taught me we have to acknowledge other people’s agency, even when that’s hard. Ultimately she has full capacity to make her decisions, even bad ones, and I can only advise her and support her if things go wrong. Creating that dynamic and removing my responsibility if it goes wrong really helps!

DH and I moved earlier this year to within an hour of three of our five children and my brother. We had no family in the south east and at around 60 and having done elderly parents living at a distance knew we didn’t want our children going through that.

It was exhausting and stressful to do though as we moved four hours from our previous home, maybe your parents don’t feel up to it, reassure them that they will have your help amend support. I wouldn’t worry about them downsizing the garden if that is their sticking point, as even that won’t be such a problem if they are nearer.

We definitely wanted to be fit enough to make new connections in a different community and nearly six months on that is going well, but again it is tiring at first.

I think PP’s are correct about getting things like POA in place, that is on our to do list for sure to make things easier for the children.

My parents downsized last year and moved from a large detached house with a big garden to a town centre apartment. They now live close to my sibling (I live abroad) who is able to help out if required.

My parents are in their mid-80s, and packing up and moving to a new area took a lot of doing and was at times extremely stressful, but they don't regret it.

The most important thing is that it was absolutely their own decision. My sibling had floated the idea a couple of years ago, but no pressure was applied. My parents are proud, independent people who hate being told what to do. They needed to be in control of the situation at all times.

It's worked out well in our case.

Just wanted to add my mum is 74 and definitely getting frailer/struggling these days. I’ve realised it wasn’t very clear in my post and I don’t want anyone thinking I’m interfering solely because she’s single!

My FIL really needs to move as is 83 and bought this place (chalet bungalow) at 70 to suit his partner who has since died. It's in a village with next to bugger all facilities and not a particularly nice area. It's 4 hours for us, luckily he still drives and prefers to come to us every 6 weeks or so for 3 days. He has Huge garden and stairs to bedroom and he has a dodgy leg.

He is decluttering (slowly) and says he would like to move nearer to where we live- problem is he won't look at flats or houses, so needs a bungalow and we live in a more expensive area than he does, so anything he likes is a push on budget. We've asked him to look at maybe park homes- he is open minded on that depending on location. I honestly don't think he will move - even though he doesn't like it.

It is frustrating isn't it? I have two sets of DPs (divorce and remarriage). One set downsized in their 60s to a smaller, modern house that's very warm and cosy and which one could manage in fine when the other dies. The garden has no lawn to mow, just shrubs, which need a good hack once a year, but I or my siblings could do this.

The other set still live in a big, old, rambling house with and a huge garden that they already struggle to manage, as gardeners are like hen's teeth where they live. They're currently 80 and 76 and compos mentis, but she won't move (he'd have moved somewhere smaller with a more manageable garden 10 years ago). She'll never manage when he goes though and his health is precarious as he's had coronary artery disease for 16 years and several bouts of ill health as a result, but actually she's not in great shape either. It is a worry, but there are family and friends nearby and they'll have to help out when the big crisis happens as I'm too far away to be much use.

This is what will happen but it's sad because then decisions are taken in extremis and are often rushed. Also moving early to avoid the crisis point actually leads to greater longevity.

My parents are early 70s and similar but only 45 mins away so it's not quite so far. I'm not sure how things will be in 10 years.

You don't have to end up doing this. You can put your own physical and mental health first. You can say no.

If losing licence would scupper them I’d really discuss that. An elderly driver near me had a minor accident and lost licence as soon as police visited as he failed the read a number plate test (with his glasses on) - so policeman emailed dvla and it was immediately revoked. There’s decent buses here so no problem but could be a real issue if no buses or taxis.

We are in a similar situation with MIL. FIL died unexpectedly a couple of years ago leaving her with a big house, huge garden, loads of DIY and clutter. We live about 200 miles away, no siblings or other family nearby.

MIL has agreed she wants to move near us but is looking at huge houses. Her money goes further where we live so she’s looking at moving from a 3 bed to a 6 bed and the latest she showed us had over an acre of land! She’s 73 and already struggling with the garden she has. It’s a difficult situation to approach with her as we’re pleased shes looking forwards but don’t want her to end up in something unmanageable. Moving is so expensive she needs to get it right.

We went through this with my mum, @Another360. She stayed in the house she had lived in with dad for 15 years after he died, but eventually she had to accept that she couldn’t manage their any more, and needed to move to be nearer family.

She found a nice bungalow near my sister, and moved there 8 years ago, but although it was a nice bungalow, and she liked being near my sister, it was never her home. She always pined for her old house and garden (like your parents, she was a very keen gardener), and even 8 years on, she would correct my sister if she said “let’s go home, mum” - “it’s NOT home”.

Given the way her health and mobility deteriorated in recent years, the move was the right move, practically - but mum was never really happy there.

She passed away recently, and we interred her ashes in the churchyard with my dad’s ashes, in the village where they used to live. She has gone home.

Logically I am on your side and it'll be better for everyone if they move closer to you and your sister. But for them, it's about giving up the independence and the life they have created for so long, and accepting they are going to need more support.

I hope I can do it when I am old and do it before I can't physically handle the move.

We are in a similar position with DM. She and DF moved to a smaller house 25 years ago from a big 5 bedroom house to a small 2 bedroom house. They didn't get rid of much stuff. DF died soon after in his 50s and DM has done literally nothing to the house since. It's now stuffed full of stuff, filthy dirty and entirely unsuitable for her needs now she is 81 with mobility needs. Without doing a load of work, the house is impossible to sell.

MIL and FIL live not far away, but in a tiny village with no amenities at all. FIL is also struggling to go up and down stairs but they refuse to see that moving somewhere more suitable would be better in the longer term. It's so frustrating but I guess it is their choice. However, what isn't their choice is to expect DH and his DB to run around after them when they are no longer able to manage. It's an issue waiting to happen at the moment.

DH and I are having serious thoughts about what to do at the moment. We live in an old farmhouse in Cornwall with no public transport within 3 miles. Was great when the kids were small but now it's just rattling around in it. Both daughter and son have moved away and we are considering moving to be nearer one of them, probably DD as DS lives in London and I don't want to be in a big city. Need a serious de clutter as I know what it's like to deal with hoarders (late MIL was a terror for that). But as DD lives in Scotland and we have a social life and friends down here it's a big upheaval

My parents have just moved to the town my sister lives in. It's a good move for them. Close to shops etc and easier for my mum to have Independence as she doesn't drive. However the estate they've bought on is a half hour walk to the town centre, up hill and nowhere near any amenities. Exactly what they said they'd avoid when they moved!

They are fine now, but in 10 years time it's going to be an issue.

I hear you.
DM was widowed 5 years ago and yet is still grieving. Her life has meant she’s always relied on someone else for emotional support and she struggles massively with anxiety. She’s never lived alone prior to being widowed but she has a few good friends nearby.
It’s a 4 hour drive each way to hers and she’s beginning to have health issues. Her home is a refuge yet she hates the silence of it but the thought of moving terrifies her.
Every phone call we have is about how terrible life is and how x,y and z people have so much more help from family. We have been round in circles many times about her moving to my village where she already knows several people, but she’s just too afraid to deal with it even though we’ve offered to help her with all of it.
I’m really struggling to be patient at times. I have said if she is going to stay then she needs to be prepared to plan for when she is more frail- gardener, cleaner etc but she seems to think her friends will help out.
I’d really love to know the answer. It’s very hard to watch - it’s not living, it’s existing.

Your post seems to be all about how it would be more convenient for you if they move, but there's not really much about what your parents want.

If they wanted to move, they would. As it is, there's clearly enough tying them to their current home and area for them to want to stay put.

It could also be that they don't want you to support them as they get older. Lots of people would (where affordable) prefer to pay for professional care rather than rely on their children. They don't want to be a burden or see their children give up their lives for them.

I would just support them with whatever they want to do. I suspect they don't expect you to do a huge amount for them given you live two hours away.

I think the problem is, for us younger people, in our 40s 50s 60s, its much easier to be clear sighted

Once the brain starts to deteriorate, even a little, it's really difficult to plan and envisage

Fear then takes over because you can hear what is being said but you can't fit it into your thought processes which are flawed because your brain isn't well

My father would still be alive now if it wasn't for his determination to live as he chose (large garden, many trip hazards etc)

He had an awful last 10 months of his life because he simply couldn't make the necessary changes - and he couldn't make the changes because his brain wasn't well (some dementia)

There's no answer.

Even if you have POA you can't force them to live the way you KNOW will help them live longer and happier lives

A crisis will happen and then the NHS and Social Services take over.

It's so sad

I totally get it, my mum stayed in her huge house, big garden and kept asking why she should move (I never asked). She finally decided that she wanted to downsize and has moved to a much smaller property and had house clearance in for the items she couldn’t fit in the new place. It’s a huge relief for us, as clearing her new place won’t be anywhere near as traumatic. Selfish, yes, but I live hundreds of miles away and work full time.

They will move eventually but it takes time to come to that decision as it’s accepting they’re getting older.

Could you convince them on the garden thing by saying they can come round and garden in yours too?

Both sets of my grandparents were the same and it took a long time for them to face reality.

YABU to think they should move from their house of 35 years to suit your choices. Ludicrous actually.

We are just a bit younger than your parents and have been living in our house for about the same amount of time. At the moment we really wouldn’t want to move. We both drive but have good public transport links. We have friends in the area and have the best neighbours in the world on both sides. We have a 4 bedroom house which now the children have left is about the right size for us and for the grandchildren who stay often. We have a medium sized garden.
There are people living in our street who are in their 80s and 90s. You might feel 70s is old but when you get there you won’t feel the same.
The only reason we would consider moving at the moment is if our children moved somewhere and they were close together and they wanted us near them. We would have to be sure that our children intended to stay where they were.