To think my parents really should move..

[Another360]

Hi,

So a bit of background, my parents are both in their early-mid 70's. They have lived in their current house for 35 years. It's detached, it has a lovely garden, which they take great pride in and is in a good area.

My sister and I now live in a similar area to each other, around 2 hours drive away and have done for almost 10 years. Currently, it's doable, as currently they're in OK health. By "OK", I mean nothing awful, but they've slowed down a lot in the past few years. My mums eyesight is pretty bad and she doesn't drive at all anymore and is often in unexplained pain. If my dad lost his license for whatever reason, they'd be screwed! My dad also has poor mental health and has had a couple of breakdowns (although they don't like to admit this) and during those times, it was very hard, as we obviously wanted to help more than we could.

They were all for moving closer to us a couple of years ago, as they could see it made the most sense, but recently they seem to have given up on the idea and have made lots of home and garden improvements and not with the idea of selling.

They will not really compromise on anything, mostly a large garden, which seems ridiculous to me, as they're not going to be manage it like they can now in the not too distant future and they already struggle.

They have no other family or friends in the are. We are their family and we both have dcs too, who they're very close to.

If they had other people around them - anyone, I wouldn't encourage this so much, but the thought of one of them becoming very ill and not being closer really worries me. My dad relies on my mum for everything so if she became very ill, or worse, I can't imagine how he'd cope - he wouldn't.

They really are just staying for the garden, which seems ludicrous to me. I do understand that it means a lot to them, but surely not more than being close to your family and having them near you when you really need them. It's not really a case of if, but when.

We were even looking at moving closer that way, as they really seemed to have dug their heels recently, but we just can't make it work with my dc and our work.

I see so many of these property programmes, where there's a couple making their final retirement move to be close to their kids and grandkids and they often need to make sacrifices and I wonder why my parents won't do the same.

It's not like I would expect them to live in a shoe box and just sick it up, but they don't seem to want to make any compromises now.

Anyone else in a similar situation?

What we’re talking about though, is parents who refuse to future proof. Those who don’t want to move and who have done what they need to future proof, that’s great! You’re all sorted.
It’s the parents who simply refuse to plan, who live in unsuitable houses with massive gardens, away from amenities who won’t get external help who are the issue. The expectation that children will make round trips of several hundred miles to do the garden, clean the house and take them to appointments as well as dealing with their own families is unrealistic and unfair. That is why in in some cases, if parents want that help, a move closer is sensible.

I'm surprised you even looked into moving to them if it was specifically for their benefit. You've pointed out the pros and cons of staying put. They've made their decision. Of course they could change their mind later, maybe after one of them dies/becomes incapacitated, but provided they have mental capacity that's entirely up to them.
When people may different choices to the ones we would nake it's easy to think there's something they've not really considered etc but to them the garden is worth it. When it's no longer a good deal they might change their mind.
It's not your responsibility to care for them, especially if they're chosing to put themselves 'at risk'. The only thing I would be mindful of is if one of their health deteriotes and they are relying on their spouse for care they're either not giving or can't give. I know someone who had to raise a Safeguarding concern when his elderly relative developed dementia. The partner was making decisions that weren't in her best interest. It tore the family apart.
Just as your parents didn't choose your careers, partners, lifestyle etc, you have to back off and let them make theirs...even if they're bad choices

Sadly you can't make someone move, all you can do is reinforce what help you can do to manage their expectations if they have any

This ^^

As long as they have capacity there isn't really any other answer

The thing is, even when your parents have done all the sensible stuff, as DM has (small house, tiny garden, short walk into town for shops, stairlift most recently etc) after their mid 80s, in good health and fully compos mentis, old people need more help. DM is in pretty good shape and doesn't even have or need a walking stick, but tripping over a kerb recently has frightened her about going out alone. She's 88, and not in need of care but she does depend on her community to help out. Fortunately the family have clustered close by, although with no link to the town, so there's generally someone to help though it's not me because my life is 200 miles away.

My parents did all the things to future proof except move nearer and compromise on a country location.

We're 2- 2.5 hours away in a crisis and the distance means relatively quick tasks that don't take long actually take a full day.

And as they get older there's more of them every month.

And DH has parents too.

I'm actually quite disheartened by how many women on here are saying their parents should move near them. A lot of them saying sell the family home, it's too big etc.

Presumably you all moved away from your parents in the first place?

Why should they have to move? You move to them!

I think it's way more selfish to insist your parents move to accommodate you than the fact they won't move.

A very sensible point, @ladyvivienne. Dh and I are not at the stage of downsizing yet, but we are considering where we'd move to in the future, when we do need to downsize.

We have one child living in the South East, one in the Central Belt of Scotland, and one who is about to head off to Australia, initially for a couple of years, but then who knows! Which child do we move near to?

Add to that the fact that we don't want to live in the South of the UK, because of the house prices and the amount of traffic, and we'd prefer to live somewhere fairly quiet and dog-friendly, and that limits our choices even more.

The other thing that is daunting about downsizing is the amount of decluttering you have to do. We live in a 4-bed house, with a garage conversion - one side is dh's office and the other is basically a library full of books (and there are 4 more bookshelves in other rooms) - so even downsizing the books to fit into a smaller house would be a major task. And over the years we've lived here, we have filled the house with stuff - not hoarding levels of filled, but normal levels of stuff (if that makes sense), and downsizing all that to fit somewhere smaller is a major challenge. Plus our furniture fits the sizes of rooms we have now.

Dh and I are still young enough to do at least some of that decluttering and downsizing of our possessions now, and we are working on it gradually - but if we were older and more infirm, I can see that it would be a near-insuperable task.

That's what my PILs think @ladyvivienne - they would like DH and his family to move back to near them. But that would involve me and DH both finding new jobs and our three DC starting a new school (two of them are halfway through GCSEs / A levels). It's just not possible. Not to mention they're the ones who want our help!

@ladyvivienne
I agree with you. It seems that OP moved away from her parents, not the other way around. The thought of moving and all the hassle of estate agents and packing and starting again in another house miles away and leaving a loved house and garden is daunting for most people. Fair enough to ask them to move near if her parents had moved away for retirement and are now needing help and insisting OP travels to see them, although I do know it is hard when you need to be in 2 places at once for DC and parents so i have sympathy.

Personally I would love to move closer to my parents, but I didn't buy a house near them because it's one of the most expensive parts of the country and I can't afford it. Also my DP also has a parent, who is widowed and therefore understandably he wants to be near. And we have a child at school and jobs we need to be reasonably close to.

Decisions aren't made in a vacuum, and often retired people in their 70s/80s are in a much better position to move than a working, school-age family.

I've moved but so have they. In my case they've moved twice since I left home, about 100 miles the first time and about 150 the second. These were their 5th and 6th moves in their marriage with about 400 miles between the furthest away ones.

Which all makes it more infuriating for my mum that my dad won't even discuss it. They've done it before, they aren't in a family home with emotional attachment and they are 4-5 hours away from us.

Bitter experience, you have got to leave them to it. Currently dealing with the same (SIL, not parents), in a house which is bordering on dangerous and refusing to move. She'll eventually have an accident that will kill or disable her permanently and she still won't listen.

Weird post. Adult children move away for jobs or marriage, not to try to inconvenience their parents 30 years later.

Why do we assume that grown adults, who happen to be over say 65, are incapable of working out what their needs and preferences are? Why assume that they will be on the phone demanding help when trouble strikes? Would you be doing that if you were elderly? If not, why assume that your parents would

Because many people don't think ahead and are selfish. They want family to care for them and refuse carers or to pay people to help with things like gardening.

At no point have I said "all" people, but some, even a majority, yes.

The ageism on MN is incredible. I'm in my 60s, DH is early 70s. We both still have active freelance careers in the creative arts, and moved to Europe a couple of years ago where we are restoring a historic property to create an arts centre. If my son decided to address my "slowing brain function" and break down problems for me "as if I was a four year old" you would have to scoop us all off the floor from laughing. I appreciate that people age at different rates and have different levels of acceptance for challenge and change, but really...

It's clear to me that many posters on this thread have not had to deal with very elderly parents and their inevitable health crises.

My parents have lived rurally for 50 odd years and ultimately its now not the place to be stuck without transport.

I asked them to move to us when they were in their early seventies. I still think that is the optimal age as its young enough to create a life of their own in the new location. They refused point blank (they were in comparatively good health and simply didn't see the need). I never brought it up again.

Fast forward 15 odd years and dad had to stop driving (experiencing cognitive decline) and they were aghast at what they were supposed to do for transport. Clearly there was no plan, only to Bury their heads in the sand until the wheels came off. As this was during covid, there was a limit as to what I could do (organise on line shopping etc). Also by this time, most if their friends had died and they know few people in the village. Its very exasperating and I think you only really understand when you've been through it.

My dad died last year from covid and my mum considered moving here but decided against it. I have no issues with this as I think that now she's in her late eighties its just too late. She has adapted to widowhood relatively well, is mentally sharp although she gets lonely. I do what I can and visit as often as I can.

She does say sometimes she doesn't want to go unto a home and I tell her that if the time comes that she can't look after herself then she'll have to, as there will be no alternative (after the carers route has been exhausted).

The idea that children should move back to where their parents live is so ludicrous it's laughable. In my case I have 2 teenage children who are taking exams, both with SN, a husband in a senior position and I'm self employed. Funnily enough, I'm not moving.

I would also suggest those who think it's ageism to take a trip over to the elderly parents board, in particularly the cockroach cafe threads. It might prove to be a bit of an eye-opener.

Why do we assume that grown adults, who happen to be over say 65, are incapable of working out what their needs and preferences are? Why assume that they will be on the phone demanding help when trouble strikes? Would you be doing that if you were elderly? If not, why assume that your parents would

When mine retired to the coast and then the country they swore they wouldn't. I took them at their word,

But that was 11 years ago.

I don't think anybody really knows how they'll act when the problems strike.

And honestly at least mine recognise when they need help.

DH's parents never admit they've made a mistake and consequently they get in much deeper and more expensive trouble.

I don't think it's controversial to suggest that older people often need help because suffer from physical and cognitive impairments.

Scammers and the Vote Leave campaign target (ed) old people for a reason.

To be fair to my parents when they moved there was a pretty good bus service and there was supposed to be an Urgent Care Centre coming.

But the bus service is pretty useless now and the urgent care centre got cancelled. Their investments and pension funds etc took a Liz Truss hit, there's no longer a NHS dentist, the roads are a lot busier because of all the new build estates, the police station was closed. As was the community centre, And the Library, guess to be fair to them it's not the place they moved to anymore.

The idea that children should move back to where their parents live is so ludicrous it's laughable

I did it. It never occurred to me to ask them to move away from a social network built over 50 years, my dad’s beloved golf club and their established community. My move was easier and way less stressful than them uprooting their lives would have been.

The idea that children should move back to where their parents live is so ludicrous it's laughable

The assumption that children are moving "back" is also ludicrous.

I've never lived anywhere near where my parents live now. There would be no moving "back" - I'd be moving to an entirely new area.

If it worked for you that's great.
But it wouldn't work for a great deal of people.

Sorry, that was to @Blossomtoes.
Quotation fail!

I know. But it’s not so ludicrous it’s laughable because people do it.

Blossom I see you on many threads automatically taking the ‘side’ which benefits elderly people. But think that one through. Most people with elderly parents have children under 18 in education, jobs which are located nearby, their own social life and that of their kids, they probably can’t afford to move given COL.

Did you not have a job at the time, or under 18s, or your own social life?

Why do we assume that grown adults, who happen to be over say 65, are incapable of working out what their needs and preferences are? Why assume that they will be on the phone demanding help when trouble strikes?

Because they usually are. Hop over to the Cockroach Cafe thread. There are many threads on here by posters at the end of their tether having to meet the needs of kids, work and ailing elderly parents who won’t accept help from anyone else.