To think my parents really should move..

[Another360]

Hi,

So a bit of background, my parents are both in their early-mid 70's. They have lived in their current house for 35 years. It's detached, it has a lovely garden, which they take great pride in and is in a good area.

My sister and I now live in a similar area to each other, around 2 hours drive away and have done for almost 10 years. Currently, it's doable, as currently they're in OK health. By "OK", I mean nothing awful, but they've slowed down a lot in the past few years. My mums eyesight is pretty bad and she doesn't drive at all anymore and is often in unexplained pain. If my dad lost his license for whatever reason, they'd be screwed! My dad also has poor mental health and has had a couple of breakdowns (although they don't like to admit this) and during those times, it was very hard, as we obviously wanted to help more than we could.

They were all for moving closer to us a couple of years ago, as they could see it made the most sense, but recently they seem to have given up on the idea and have made lots of home and garden improvements and not with the idea of selling.

They will not really compromise on anything, mostly a large garden, which seems ridiculous to me, as they're not going to be manage it like they can now in the not too distant future and they already struggle.

They have no other family or friends in the are. We are their family and we both have dcs too, who they're very close to.

If they had other people around them - anyone, I wouldn't encourage this so much, but the thought of one of them becoming very ill and not being closer really worries me. My dad relies on my mum for everything so if she became very ill, or worse, I can't imagine how he'd cope - he wouldn't.

They really are just staying for the garden, which seems ludicrous to me. I do understand that it means a lot to them, but surely not more than being close to your family and having them near you when you really need them. It's not really a case of if, but when.

We were even looking at moving closer that way, as they really seemed to have dug their heels recently, but we just can't make it work with my dc and our work.

I see so many of these property programmes, where there's a couple making their final retirement move to be close to their kids and grandkids and they often need to make sacrifices and I wonder why my parents won't do the same.

It's not like I would expect them to live in a shoe box and just sick it up, but they don't seem to want to make any compromises now.

Anyone else in a similar situation?

I was considering moving nearer to Dd2 who lives in a small but vibrant city with her DP. Initially she was excited about it but having thought on it was concerned that future job changes might mean they may have to move and I would be stuck somewhere new on my own. I'm 75.

As someone who is moving into the elderly parent role in the next ten/twenty years, myself and Mr Chopper cannot fathom it when we see other people our age moving to follow children around the country. What is their guarantee that those children will not then move? We moved all around the country chasing opportunities when we were in our 20’s and 30’s. I’d hate to be in the position of giving up my carefully chosen house and the neighbourhood I’ve got roots in to follow my children to somewhere I know nothing of…only to have them move on when they get a great job offer elsewhere. And I’ve seen that happen to people. Maybe they need a guarantee that once there you and ds will never move. Can you give that?

It is a big ask to expect elderly parents to move, especially if they have decided to stay. What irks me is the refusal to future proof and the expectation that adult dc can drop everything and come running. The reality is that if they do not live near their support networks then some services will need to be outsourced.
Maybe it is a generational thing, as I am already planning for the future. POA in place, care directives communicated and written down, saving plan for old age care in process. Just need to sort funeral plan.
After going through this with elderly relatives, I would not want to place a strain on family relationships in my golden years, when it can be avoided.

We tried to get MIL to move, just to a bungalow or flat,near to where she lived. She wasn't that near us,I worked FT nights small kids,saw her monthly,did shopping gardening,DH decorating and repairs. She had always hated the house,no friends (difficult woman) refused, now bedridden downstairs. A friends DM moved 300 miles from the absolutely huge, beautiful family home, to be near children (their suggestion) she never saw them. We downsized, moved about 90 minutes away from all the DKs, I was 60,DH 53,he unexpectedly lost his job (liquidation) the following year,I had just given in my notice the previous week, I stayed in the job for the next 4 years,a round trip commute of just over 100 miles. DKs were shocked, bungalow!! Yes, but we do have an even bigger garden because that's our thing,near the country and beach. Youngest DD moved 5 miles away last year.

I downsized 2 years ago as the large 4 bed family home with large garden was too much for me after my DH died and my two adult DC had to move away to the other side of the city ; for work in DD's case, and to afford a house in DS's case.

I began to get a feel for the town my DS had moved to by staying with him and exploring the area. I found I really liked it, more so than the town I had lived in for nearly 40 years. I set up alerts on Rightmove for bungalows coming on the market.
Thankfully when my new home came up for sale I was able to quickly sell my old house and move. It was a wrench as the house held so many memories and, like the OP's parents, I loved the garden.

I am so glad I did it whilst I was still fit and well enough. I have made new friends and enjoy new activities. I still have a garden which I really enjoy and is smaller/easier to manage.

My DD has recently inherited her Father's house (my 1st husband's).
It is a big house with so much stuff he collected for years. It is a huge headache for DD trying to sort it all out. At least I know my DC will have a much easier time sorting out my tiny 1 bed bugalow after I die.
Additionally the equity from my house sale enabled me to retire as I have that to supplement my small private pension until I reach state pension age.

I’m sure the hefty windfall when the house is sold will help compensate for the headache of sorting it out @Bluebellbike. House clearance is available.

Thankfully my lovely in-laws are very practical, and have just moved to be 5 mins from their daughter (my lovely mother-in-law had been a social worker in a hospice, so based on this experience had decided long ago to make sensible decisions about her later years...plus she'd seen her own mother struggle on at home and then be forced to move to a nursing home, because she had no downstairs bathroom and she couldn't manage the stairs).

My parents have lived in my childhood home for nearly 50 years. I'm sure they won't move, but at the moment they don't need to. They have lots of friends nearby, I'm 45 mins away and they get a bit of help with the garden and cleaning. But there will come a day when they will have to move, and I'm not looking forward to that at all.

The only thing that made my parents move from the massive farm that was falling into ruin around them was when the house burnt down.

Dad has since died but DSM lives in the smaller large house with 50 acres that they "downsized" into. It's an improvement but it's still got a 3 acre garden!

I think she would rather have her father alive to be honest. The main reason it is difficult for her is not the work involved, but the constant reminder that he is gone. She wants to deal with it herself rather than getting someone in.

Personally, I am a little depressed that people in their late 60s are viewed as old here. At 67, I still have two living parents, both heading towards 90, and not much wrong with either of them, physically or mentally. Slower, and deafer but not stupid or incompetent.

I want my parents, 71 and 75, to move not because I see them as old but rather that I see them as fit and healthy and able to enjoy time with their grandchildren that is far more limited being 5-6 hours away.

It makes me sad that my mum, who is desperate to make the move, is denied by my dad being an arse and refusing to engage in the conversation at all.

In 10 years if they haven't moved then I will probably still be wanting them to yo help them more as they need it but it will feel like a missed opportunity and will probably lead my mum into depression.

While I know it makes logical sense for them to move, maybe they just don't want to?

I'd really resent being told I should change my house get rid of my beautiful garden etc because I'm, in your eyes, on my last few years before I go nuts or conk it!

They're still adults not children. Stop infantilising them. They make their own decisions... taking away their agencies, their passion for gardening, the home they've known for decades. I'd hate that. Especially because it means accepting that they don't have long left...

Can't you see that?

That’s not what people are saying though.
It’s fine if parents want to stay in their home, but there has to be a plan for when they are too infirm to cope with it. It’s never good to leave it until a crisis when everyone is in high state of emotion and there’s been no time to prepare.
What is not fine is expecting children to make an 8-9 hour round trip to do the garden/ housework each week because there’s been a stubborn refusal to get external help in. Unfortunately I have a parent who is declining but refuses to plan, so now we wait for the crisis.

DM was talking the talk about moving out of her huge, unsuitable, unadaptable house 30 years ago. She's still there. The window came and went. Meanwhile the condition of the house is deteriorating around her with the complexities of it being a listed building.

For a long time she had notions of a very specific row of not substantially easier houses 2 miles away. Arthritis began creeping in in her mid-60s (already having broken a limb in her late 50s) and 20 years on she's now crawling on the stairs backwards. There's no way to put a toilet and the kitchen on the same floor. It's also filled with her hoard to the point of now being unvisitable, and she'll now only let DB in the house since 2020. I'm not hours away, but it's not pop-in distance either and I have my own family responsibilities that have to come first.

I always thought we'd maintain a better relationship, but choices she's made through decades have now created a huge practical wedge including other choices like refusing to engage with technology (there were computers in the house in the 90s, she could have developed basic skills in her 50s if she'd chosen to engage). I can't even text her and she no longer hears the phone or doorbell. It's frustrating and sad, but she's an intelligent adult with her faculties about her who has made a series of decisions that have ultimately compromised her last decades, despite having awareness from her own mother's situation of the way it could go. She's not going to move out without a crisis situation. Her organs are in good condition and her mother and her siblings have reached into their 90s.
Fortunately for her, DB is very local and can drop by little and often without a need to linger and she can handle visiting him. She's not been able to make her way to mine for years and is reluctant to be away from home long enough to make a visit worthwhile

I look at my house and am glad it's in a good location for basic shops, community facilities, public transport, and it's neither ridiculously large to maintain but is adaptable enough that I could live in it with poor mobility. There isn't a likely reason why our location would need to change, and it's a relief to live somewhere that would be reasonably practical to live in with mobility problems and it will simply the impact on my children when I reach old age.

Smaller families, trends of settling away from home towns (uni, work, affordability), having families later and decades of consumerism meaning far more possessions to sort through all combine to make the issue more difficult and widespread than it would have been in the past.

Absolutely. It's why I'm begging my mum not to give up driving in her late 60s as if dad goes first then she's going to have to get a bus/taxi. Because I'm not going to be driving 225 miles each way to take her for dental checkups and I'm an only child.

Are you going to pay her insurance? It doubles the year you’re 70. We nearly had a collective heart attack when we saw how much ours is this year.

I'm lucky in that DP's (late 70s and early 80s) house is only about 1 hour away and fairly future proofed, with decent amenities and transport. My main worry is that DM has stopped driving, she lost confidence during covid. So DF has to do all the driving but he was always a pretty bad driver and is getting worse, he also has some memory and concentration issues. I fear he isn't going to be able to drive for that much longer and if DM can't/won't start again, then they are going to be in difficulty. Every time I raise the subject she changes it but I do worry about it.

If she’s lost confidence it’s better she’s not on the road. I have far more respect for someone who accepts their limitations and refuses to endanger other people’s lives than for someone who insists on driving when they’re incompetent. Please stop raising the subject @HectorGloop, your mum’s being responsible and sensible.

If she’s lost confidence it’s better she’s not on the road. I have far more respect for someone who accepts their limitations and refuses to endanger other people’s lives than for someone who insists on driving when they’re incompetent.

The thing is though, she's not incompetent, she's actually a very good driver and I'm sure that if she just did it a bit, her confidence would come back. But the longer she leaves it, the harder it gets.

She’s not competent if she’s lost her confidence, however good a driver she might have been in the past. She’s made her decision and you should respect it.

My in laws were the same. MIL is now alone and the house is totally unsuitable .. she's mid 80s and has no downstairs loo and a big garden.

My own mum moved from the family house into a bungalow in her early 60s.

If i, or my brothers chose to move away - for whatever reason, no way would i expect my parents to sell up and move closer to me in old age. I wouldn't even consider suggesting it.
My mum is like me - point blank refuses to use public transport so when she finally gives up driving maybe 8-10 years?) she'll just be at home, getting her shopping delivered online etc.

This pre-supposes the idea that people grow up and spend their whole lives within the same very small area. Most people don't.

I "moved away" from my parents when I went to university at age 18. I've since moved 9 times and they've moved 6. Neither of us lives anywhere near the house that we lived in together when I was 18. There is no concept of moving away - just moving.

What about a large flat on the ground floor in lovely grounds. Patio doors onto their own small patio. Communal grounds. They can probably do the odd bit of pruning if they fancy too.

A flat near you that is.