To think my parents really should move..

[Another360]

Hi,

So a bit of background, my parents are both in their early-mid 70's. They have lived in their current house for 35 years. It's detached, it has a lovely garden, which they take great pride in and is in a good area.

My sister and I now live in a similar area to each other, around 2 hours drive away and have done for almost 10 years. Currently, it's doable, as currently they're in OK health. By "OK", I mean nothing awful, but they've slowed down a lot in the past few years. My mums eyesight is pretty bad and she doesn't drive at all anymore and is often in unexplained pain. If my dad lost his license for whatever reason, they'd be screwed! My dad also has poor mental health and has had a couple of breakdowns (although they don't like to admit this) and during those times, it was very hard, as we obviously wanted to help more than we could.

They were all for moving closer to us a couple of years ago, as they could see it made the most sense, but recently they seem to have given up on the idea and have made lots of home and garden improvements and not with the idea of selling.

They will not really compromise on anything, mostly a large garden, which seems ridiculous to me, as they're not going to be manage it like they can now in the not too distant future and they already struggle.

They have no other family or friends in the are. We are their family and we both have dcs too, who they're very close to.

If they had other people around them - anyone, I wouldn't encourage this so much, but the thought of one of them becoming very ill and not being closer really worries me. My dad relies on my mum for everything so if she became very ill, or worse, I can't imagine how he'd cope - he wouldn't.

They really are just staying for the garden, which seems ludicrous to me. I do understand that it means a lot to them, but surely not more than being close to your family and having them near you when you really need them. It's not really a case of if, but when.

We were even looking at moving closer that way, as they really seemed to have dug their heels recently, but we just can't make it work with my dc and our work.

I see so many of these property programmes, where there's a couple making their final retirement move to be close to their kids and grandkids and they often need to make sacrifices and I wonder why my parents won't do the same.

It's not like I would expect them to live in a shoe box and just sick it up, but they don't seem to want to make any compromises now.

Anyone else in a similar situation?

@Mosaic123 whilst I totally agree , a lot of older people (certainly my FIL) get a bee in their bonnet about flats and people above them etc- they also in many cases have a thing about 'leasehold' -

That might be because leasehold frequently implies extortionate and uncontrollable service charges. That’s certainly a major reason why chichi purpose built flats for the elderly have virtually no resale value.

They are grown adults - they have their own lifestyle and central to that is the garden they have cherished for decades. Leave them be.

Why should they uproot themselves if they do not wish to? They are not being unreasonable at all; they are wanting to go on enjoying what has meant a great deal to them for as many further years as possible, and do not want to give it up.

I have seen so many elderly people uproot themselves from all that is familiar and meaningful to them, only to find that the families they moved to be near decide to go to Australia or have to relocate somewhere else for work reasons. They are then left stranded. I have also seen the situation where they uproot themselves, move to be near family and that family barely sees them or does anything for them.

Parents cannot follow their AC around, hoping that they will look after them when they can no longer manage.

These parents are really not old by today's standards and should be left in peace.

I hope that they do not presume to tell you the major life decisions you should be making!

This is so negative - he does not have a "bee in his bonnet", he is simply holding an opinion. At what age are people no longer allowed to hold an opinion?

About 65.

Sometimes it takes a big trauma/ bereavement to get message across. You're trying your best to offer practical advice but its not being listened to/ wanted.
Nothing else you can do op.
Would definitely advise getting right of attorney in place now whilst this isn't a touchy subject .
If anything think of this as a lesson in how you wish to act yourself when the time comes.

There are many share of freehold flats. I definitely would not suggest a retirement flat.

How depressing is that? 😥

@Mischance I don't disagree by the way- I'm just stating that this is his view - but does limit options somewhat.

Nothing to add, but just to say I have a very similar situation with my parents too. Mid-70s, health and mobility starting to decline sadly, they're an hour away in clear traffic and my mum can't drive. She wants a big garden and to live somewhere very quiet, no main roads or noise (which is obviously not very compatible with later life).

They have been slowly clearing out their loft and spare room, which is great, but I very much doubt they're going to move now - it must be overwhelming. I'm in my 40s, have moved loads of times and have no desire to do it again!

It is frustrating but they're entitled to make their own decisions, even if they're wrong.

I know. Fortunately we live within walking distance of shops, GP surgery, dentist and a short taxi ride from the railway station. We have a manageable garden, a downstairs loo and the ability to adapt for a stairlift so we haven’t got our kids on our case because we’re pretty much future proofed. Some of our friends aren’t so lucky and their kids plague them. I feel really sorry for them.

My mum has had a couple of smaller incidents this year which have made her think so sometimes it doesn’t even need to be a big thing.
First thing was hurting her back, luckily only lasted a few weeks but absolutely debilitated her so she couldn’t walk. Second was an accident near my house where people were extremely helpful and kind (seeing proof of what I say about what a nice area I live in)
She’s fiercely independent but I think it gave her a glimpse of what could be and has moved things on.

I hope that they do not presume to tell you the major life decisions you should be making

I think the issue is they won't move, and then a few years will pass and they'll be on the phone constantly saying they need help, or lifts to hospital appointments, or can't cope with the garden or whatever and making the OP and Dsis feel guilty and having to do 4 hour round trips to do things for them, possibly in the middle of winter with nasty driving conditions.

It's fine if they genuinely intend to be self-sufficient and pay for taxis and gardeners when they need them. But it doesn't often work out like that.

It's a sensible bee to have in your bonnet. Leasehold flats are a bad idea especially those aimed at retirees.

It might be an ok option for some, but I'd not advise it for most. They can become a millstone around your neck. At the very least you need to do some very careful research.

Why do we assume that grown adults, who happen to be over say 65, are incapable of working out what their needs and preferences are? Why assume that they will be on the phone demanding help when trouble strikes? Would you be doing that if you were elderly? If not, why assume that your parents would?

I hold my hands up to being over 65 - and to having disabilities. And to being widowed, so I am on my own. Do I expect my family to trek over from wherever to wait on me? - no, of course I don't. I have a stair lift, I pay people to do my garden and the housework. I drive, but when and if that has to stop, I will use the money saved by selling the car, and saving on petrol and car tax, to pay for taxis.

If I become demented I do not expect my AC to wait on me - they already have PofA, and they will find me a good home to be in till I shuffle off.

Exactly! But God forbid older people actually think rationally and go " yeah, no thanks". Silly old duffers should just be told, with a suitable back up threat of getting no help unless they obey.😡

Simple. Lazy ageism.

Yeah, exactly.

If it were only going to be their problem then sure, wouldn't be any of OPs business. The reality is that as people age, they do often make it their children's problem. It's quite clear that OP is posting with that in mind.

That said, it's true they can't be made to move so there's not a lot to be done other than speak bluntly to them now.

@Mischance I totally appreciate your situation and why you feel as you do- the problem is there are clearly people on this thread (and others I've seen) who have parents who haven't been as logical or self sufficient and do expect their adult children to drive vast distances frequently to sort stuff for them or constantly call them with issues etc but don't want to consider any other alternatives - be it moving or paying for outside help

In my case I'm not assuming this, it's what has actually happened. My PILs refused to move when they were younger and we suggested it. Now they are in their 80s and in very poor health and constantly bemoaning the fact that we don't live close by and can't offer much help.

My parents said they'd be fine in a country location where you have to drive everywhere and that they wouldn't need help but they're not and they do.

If people were rational and sensible and could accurately follow through from action to consequence we wouldn't have Brexit would we?

We've actually moved two + hours nearer to them so at least we can get there and back in a day.

There is a vast difference between 65 and 80, just as there is a big difference between 15 and 30. At 65 my mum was still working 4 days a week and was only 5 years into a love affair that lasted 24 years. At 70 she was still travelling solo to places like Namibia.

At 83 nothing was the same and both she and we her children really struggled to navigate the changes. I dont think we her children were wrong to try and help her as we saw fit.

In a similar situation with PIL. PIL both complain about their current living circumstances both won’t do anything about it. We’ve offered them a perfect solution to move closer to us (in fact a 2 min walk away where they could both had a massively increased quality of life, but they can’t be bothered they say. Expect DH to visit regularly (six hour round trip if no traffic) and stay for months when they’ve had surgery and needed aftercare etc

My dad is in a similar situation with my Nan. He’s found her places to move to closer to him, he lives 1.5 hours away and visits her twice a week. She won’t pay for gardener, cleaner, handyman etc. He does it all. Expects to be taken out for shopping and to all hospital appointments as won’t use hospital transport or pay for taxis.

Er, no. They're millionaires. I think they'll manage.