To think my parents really should move..

[Another360]

Hi,

So a bit of background, my parents are both in their early-mid 70's. They have lived in their current house for 35 years. It's detached, it has a lovely garden, which they take great pride in and is in a good area.

My sister and I now live in a similar area to each other, around 2 hours drive away and have done for almost 10 years. Currently, it's doable, as currently they're in OK health. By "OK", I mean nothing awful, but they've slowed down a lot in the past few years. My mums eyesight is pretty bad and she doesn't drive at all anymore and is often in unexplained pain. If my dad lost his license for whatever reason, they'd be screwed! My dad also has poor mental health and has had a couple of breakdowns (although they don't like to admit this) and during those times, it was very hard, as we obviously wanted to help more than we could.

They were all for moving closer to us a couple of years ago, as they could see it made the most sense, but recently they seem to have given up on the idea and have made lots of home and garden improvements and not with the idea of selling.

They will not really compromise on anything, mostly a large garden, which seems ridiculous to me, as they're not going to be manage it like they can now in the not too distant future and they already struggle.

They have no other family or friends in the are. We are their family and we both have dcs too, who they're very close to.

If they had other people around them - anyone, I wouldn't encourage this so much, but the thought of one of them becoming very ill and not being closer really worries me. My dad relies on my mum for everything so if she became very ill, or worse, I can't imagine how he'd cope - he wouldn't.

They really are just staying for the garden, which seems ludicrous to me. I do understand that it means a lot to them, but surely not more than being close to your family and having them near you when you really need them. It's not really a case of if, but when.

We were even looking at moving closer that way, as they really seemed to have dug their heels recently, but we just can't make it work with my dc and our work.

I see so many of these property programmes, where there's a couple making their final retirement move to be close to their kids and grandkids and they often need to make sacrifices and I wonder why my parents won't do the same.

It's not like I would expect them to live in a shoe box and just sick it up, but they don't seem to want to make any compromises now.

Anyone else in a similar situation?

My mum was like this, but ultimately wanted to move but at the same time no solution was doable for her. You can only do so much.

My mil lives abroad with no family near her except her teen grandkids and refuses to talk about her future. After my mum and the stress I'm not going there again.

Future proofing or not is their choice to make, even if its a stupid and dangerous.

You’re not alone in this. Both sets of our parents need to move (in their early 70s) Mine need to move into the town so they have public transport. My in laws just need a smaller house with small garden that’s less work.

Both are dragging their heels a lot. They know they need to move, but don’t have a push yet.

It’s made me and DH have quite an open chat about our house. Our plan is to update when our youngest goes to uni, sell a few years after that. We want to stay in London so will look for an easy to maintain flat, potentially on the river.

@Twizbe woah we have an identical plan !
It’s made me and DH have quite an open chat about our house. Our plan is to update when our youngest goes to uni, sell a few years after that. We want to stay in London so will look for an easy to maintain flat, potentially on the river.

I am so grateful that my mother had the foresight to downsize to a flat in sheltered accommodation in her sixties. She then got dementia in her early 70s and had to go into a care home by her mid 70s. The move was made far, far easier by the fact she'd gone through, and got rid of, a large amount of stuff when she moved into the flat. So many of my friends' parents have had to deal with frail, elderly and stubborn parents in wholly impractical houses, that they could have moved from years before. I absolutely will downsize as and when, to try and make life easier for my children. Pretending that old age, and death, won't happen, is ludicrous and massively unfair on adult children.

Have they actually said that they expect help from you? It may be that they've thought about the support they need and would prefer eg paid carers while staying in their own house.

You can encourage them to move but no more, and you might do better to sell it as a positive for you ("we'd all like to see more of you") rather than avoiding a negative for them ("you're going to need more help"), if they're not on the same page as you re their needs. It's also much nicer to think of moving because your children and grandchildren want to see you, rather than because you're too decrepit to stay where you are.

Ultimately it's their choice. I was a bit shocked by PP who spoke about "letting" them keep a big garden.

Similar! My mum knew they should move for years but dad refused. Now they're too old to move and the house is a huge burden and they struggle with the stairs. It's very sad. I wish people in their 70s realised that health can deteriorate rapidly. I must remind myself of this if I live to be a fit and healthy 70 something.

Absolutely recognise this situation - could have typed it word for word tbh about DH’s parents.

Massive garden that is the subject of constant moaning but will not leave. 6 bedroom house, enormous rooms, high ceilings and now the expectation that their sons should enjoy driving 2 hours each way on their days off to do the repainting needed.

In their 80s now and we’re resigned that they’ll never move. Tried everything everyone’s suggested above repeatedly for 15 years.

I'm in my mid 70s. I find the concept of moving too difficult to comprehend. I'd advise anything be in their 60s to move before it becomes overwhelming.

OP I suspect your parents are using their garden as an excuse and can't face the inevitable upheaval of moving nearer to you.

Could you sell both yours and there's to buy something in land between the two locations or by some land and build? I can see their point we have never had the desire to move away from where we were born.

I was fortunate in that I managed to persuade my parents to move very much nearer to me in their early seventies ( although they had already moved from the family home to a seaside flat, which made it easier).

I made it as easy as I could be going to see suitable properties and vetting them before I even sent them the details. I also said I would arrange the move including the packing, which I did, all they had to do was get in the car and follow the van! I booked them into a B&B for the first week so they could get sorted before they moved in properly. I arranged for the builder we used to put in the kitchen and bathroom they wanted.

I just tried to take as much of the hassle out of it as I could, to make it less daunting.

I think you're better off future proofing the current set up. Get them doing online shopping, so if they can't drive they won't starve. Get them an air fryer so they can make small meals easily without having to carry around heavy bake wear. Look up local care providers so when they need it you can act swiftly, same with gardeners/cleaners. Look into how the house could be used if they can't get upstairs - is there a downstairs loo, could you squeeze a shower in downstairs? Would the stairs accommodate a stair lift?

I fear this will happen with my parents. I'm the only child that can provide any support and live just over an hour from them on a clear run. If it's a busy traffic day it can take 2 hours.

They seem unwilling to move from where they are because it's familiar to them, even though they have no friends or family nearby any more. I accept I was the one to move away, but there is nothing keeping them in the area any more.

It isn't helped by the fact that they rent their property and to move nearer to us they'd have to take a retirement property which will be substantially smaller.

I think I'll convince them eventually but only once they actually start struggling with the stairs, or, heaven forbid, have the first major fall.

My lovely MIL very sensibly sold her upstairs flat and moved closer to family and thankfully managed to have 8 or so years in her newer house before she sadly passed. My real disappointment for her was she never got around to getting the kitchens she wanted, etc. but she already knew she wanted to stop driving so chose somewhere walking distance, etc. At the time my DH said that he didn't understand why she was so determined to be close to town but eventually he realised she was planning for everything.

It’s a painful and sometimes heart breaking exercise for older people to move away from everything they know and love.

I would call a family meeting and chat through all the eventualities and what plans would be put in place and agree it all now, whilst they have capacity and clarity.

If they choose to stay what day to day help is available, can they afford it. Every step including end of life decisions and funerals if you can add that in. The best way is to ensure their wishes are met is to talk it through now, as dis’s dispassionately as possible.

If they stay, they stay with a funded plan and limited support from you and your sibling.

We are in a similar position. They retired to a place a few hours away from us and aren’t near any family, and not near a hospital either. We’ve tried to suggest moving closer to us so we can help as they get older but they don’t want to move again. We have their grandchildren who they love seeing but only get to see every couple of months, and to be honest we could us some help from them with the kids. But they will just have to understand that we won’t be able to help them much when they get older and need it.

This was PIL with capacity to make their own adult decisions until MIL predictably fell and badly broke her femur. Then it's all 'help me help me' at short notice. Things are fine, until they aren't.
Poor decision making has lead to others picking up the pieces, joining the never ending queue of similar others at A&E , causing resentment and frustration and souring relationships.
No answers.

In their shoes its just too much of an ordeal to contemplate moving. The organisation of it. The emotion of it. The physical side of it. It's just to much to deal with. It's a choice of either one massive massive overwhelming intimidating hurdle, or the gently sightly uncomfortable but slow and steady incline upwards that they're already on. They'd rather carry on where they are (not realising quite how difficult it will eventually get) rather than go through the complete stress of upping and moving.

There will also be a massive amount of denial, some subconscious, that they are getting older and will need help, much more than they'll be prepared to admit. That is a very very difficult thing for them to face up to.

Could you sell it to them as moving nearer for family fun and social get togethers, rather than because it'll be easier for them as they get older?

Was just through this with my own parents except I was 5 hours away. I think you just need to accept their decision and not press the issue. One thing I would suggest is to start putting things in place now for the eventual situation.

-POA
-Alexa (I really can’t suggest this enough! Get it now and get them used to it)
-A secure spreadsheet or document online with their passwords and account numbers
-Start researching paid help:cleaner, Gardner, etc
-Teach them how to use things like Uber for dr appointments

You can manage a surprising amount of tasks relatively easy from afar. I still have 1 dad in an assisted living facility about 5 hours away. I can get anything delivered including dinner, groceries, and medical supplies.

By the way, you are not being unreasonable whatsoever. It's a fantastic idea, just very very hard for them to do.

As a family we used to laugh at my twinset and pearls Great-Aunties who had a rule of only ever doing one thing per day. Like going shopping, or putting petrol in their car simply couldn't be done on the same day either of them had a Doctor's appointment for example. We used to ridicule them for this in secret. And now my Parents are in their 70s they've taken back every word and totally know what it's like to feel old, tired and knackered!

We've been in a similar situation with my mother, especially since my Dad died just over two years ago.

My mother ves between two and three hours drive from me (I prefer to go on the train) and just over an hour from my sister. We did bring up the idea of her moving but she ultimately hasn't wanted to and you really can't force it. I visit for a long weekend each month and my sister visits most Saturdays except when I am there.

My mother is in her late eighties now. She has stayed in her house. The house is a three bedroom bungalow, so all on one level and that definitely helps. She also has carers three times a day plus a cleaner (a service provided by her care company). She also has a gardener who comes for about two or three hours a fortnight. All of which she self-funds and we are extremely fortunate that she can afford to do this. It is definitely very expensive, but definitely needed and money well spent because it provides peace of mind for us all as well as enabling her to stay put for as long as possible.

How are your parents' finances? Would they stretch to paying for some care, cleaning and gardening services? Would they agree to do that? Couch it in terms of it enabling them to continue to enjoy their home for a much longer.

Would they agree to have any adaptations made in the house such as a stair lift fitted?

I'm the same age, in a house that I love, which gives me pleasure on a daily basis, which has space to store equipment for my various hobbies and voluntary activities, and a garden that I've created from scratch, which not only gives me pleasure but has a lot of mature fruit trees - something I could not re-create if I moved to a smaller garden and something which contributes to our diet all the year round. I am not moving yet. I shop on-line and I will get a gardener when I need to. When my husband dies (likely to be before me) I shall take 4 years to clear his stuff get the house into order, and at that point consider moving.

It is easy to look at an older couple and think "they'd find it so much easier moving nearer to us/into a smaller property/into a nice sheltered flat with no garden to bother about, but you may actually be asking them to give up what gives them pleasure in life.

It's such a common situation. It's much easier to do the move before it is needed but no one wants to as it means admitting it is too much for them and they are getting older and frailer (or will be soon). At the point where it is needed it often needs to be done in a rush and it is much harder if the parent isn't at a point where they can manage their own declutter, etc.

Realistically, how much would you see them if they moved closer? Would you really stop having holidays so you could respond to emergency calls from them? Not have a drink in the evening in case you had to drive round and pick one of them off the floor. Would you be visiting more than once a week?

I think it can be daunting. My mum is in her 70s and a while ago she wanted to move, she was trying to get a bit of distance from her brother.

Just the act of looking at houses in an area that was 10 minutes drive from her house upset her and since then she says it’s unthinkable.

I get it as well, we really want to move to a bigger house but when I look at houses it’s really hard to envisage living there.

I imagine that must be amplified when you’re in your 70s.

I think you need to work through if it’s they absolutely don’t want to move or if it’s just logistics of move and clear out.
If it’s the latter could you offer to sort skip, man with van etc.