To think my parents really should move..

[Another360]

Hi,

So a bit of background, my parents are both in their early-mid 70's. They have lived in their current house for 35 years. It's detached, it has a lovely garden, which they take great pride in and is in a good area.

My sister and I now live in a similar area to each other, around 2 hours drive away and have done for almost 10 years. Currently, it's doable, as currently they're in OK health. By "OK", I mean nothing awful, but they've slowed down a lot in the past few years. My mums eyesight is pretty bad and she doesn't drive at all anymore and is often in unexplained pain. If my dad lost his license for whatever reason, they'd be screwed! My dad also has poor mental health and has had a couple of breakdowns (although they don't like to admit this) and during those times, it was very hard, as we obviously wanted to help more than we could.

They were all for moving closer to us a couple of years ago, as they could see it made the most sense, but recently they seem to have given up on the idea and have made lots of home and garden improvements and not with the idea of selling.

They will not really compromise on anything, mostly a large garden, which seems ridiculous to me, as they're not going to be manage it like they can now in the not too distant future and they already struggle.

They have no other family or friends in the are. We are their family and we both have dcs too, who they're very close to.

If they had other people around them - anyone, I wouldn't encourage this so much, but the thought of one of them becoming very ill and not being closer really worries me. My dad relies on my mum for everything so if she became very ill, or worse, I can't imagine how he'd cope - he wouldn't.

They really are just staying for the garden, which seems ludicrous to me. I do understand that it means a lot to them, but surely not more than being close to your family and having them near you when you really need them. It's not really a case of if, but when.

We were even looking at moving closer that way, as they really seemed to have dug their heels recently, but we just can't make it work with my dc and our work.

I see so many of these property programmes, where there's a couple making their final retirement move to be close to their kids and grandkids and they often need to make sacrifices and I wonder why my parents won't do the same.

It's not like I would expect them to live in a shoe box and just sick it up, but they don't seem to want to make any compromises now.

Anyone else in a similar situation?

Are you sure they don't have ties to the area they live in? My parents are similarly aged and have active social lives, the fact I'm an hour away is irrelevant

Btw my parents are more capable than me in many ways, their house is certainly cleaner and tidier 75 is no age now

@ineedtostop

Completely agree!

I rely on my parents to help me!

I do some volunteering to help a gal out. I'll call her Pam. She is early-mid 70s age.
Pam moved to our area about 18 years ago when her family lost some money & they needed to downsize. Her husband died about 2 years after the move.

Pam has developed a chronic health problem. Her kids all live in the old area where they grew up, or in a town known for its cheap housing. Pam has NO local friends, much less family. Her house is small & immaculate, with nice garden. It would sell quickly. She can afford a gardener & I suspect could afford movers.

Pam's daughter (2 hours drive away) keeps trying to persuade her to move to the cheap housing town, but she will not go. Pam says it's "too much" trouble. Poor Pam. So isolated. It's frustrating.

The sandwich generation with teen kids and ageing parents end up trying to nurture both ends of life. It's doomed to fail or disappoint one side of the equation. I don't know anyone who has stayed close to where they grew up, at all -- except casual acquaintances. We're edging towards 70, and plan to move once more, and other friends will probably move into the same general area once we do, to form a cluster of old chums who can look out for one another, socialise and support health crises for as long as we are all able. It's much closer than we currently live to siblings, etc, but who knows where our kids might go?

Yes, I had a job. I got another one in their closest city. I sold my house and bought another one. My friends are located all over the country - one of my closest friends lives in Cornwall, the other in Wales. My son was 21 so if he chose to live with me it had to be in the location I chose.

The thing is that people move for all sorts of reasons - a new job, to buy a better house in a cheaper area, better education for their kids - all considered perfectly sensible reasons but somehow moving to look after the people who brought you up is considered so ludicrous it’s laughable. I just don’t get it.

Incidentally, I don’t automatically take any side but, having looked after my olds and being far from young myself, it’s inevitable that I’ll see life from that perspective.

My parents moved away from their own parents. Like people nowadays they moved for a cheaper area. They did look after their parents in old age.

The root of the problem I found was that my mum wanted help whilst not wanting anything to change. Would have been happy for me to travel to her and get the kids to mow the lawn costing us at least 4 hours and petrol in the car but was horrified at the suggestion of a gardener. It cost us more to travel to do those jobs. When mum passed she had 200k plus in the bank. I have £138 today. My time and money was of less worth and honestly that hurts. My youngest child was 8 years old.

Mum wanted the unattainable solution

Course,it's Brexits fault,these old people over 60 who won't move..

The sandwich generation with teen kids and ageing parents end up trying to nurture both ends of life.

Indeed. I think this is partly down to people having children later.

My friend had her first child at 40 and her parents had her in their mid 30s, so they were already 75ish when they became grandparents and moved from London to Bath to be nearer. Whereas I'm 39, the same age as my 20 year old workmate's mum, who is likely to be a grandma before 50 and have grandchildren through education by the time she's in her 70s.

Clearly you have no experience of the anxiety and worry of watching elderly relatives go downhill and living in a precarious situation, and not doing anything to help themselves (in op's case, this is potentially in the future). It isn't about suiting the op's choices, more about concern that their living arrangements might become problematic as it doesn't take a genius to know life gets harder for people get older.

I am living it just now with my parents and it is a living hell, the worry and stress (for everyone involved). In their 80s, living in a house in middle of nowhere surrounded by steep hills and with no access to public transport or amenities. They can't cope with the garden, the shopping, etc and inarguably (for their own sake) should have moved years ago.

• concern that her parent's living choices *as they get older

In which case, I am the poster girl for old mums as I was nearly 43 before I had my one child. My DM had me at 21. She's 88 and in reasonable health, but obviously aging every day. Our plan is to move closer, but not to the same town. We shall settle about 90 minutes away, but we both drive. So not ever out of reach or ready contact.

Yes I find the site often treats parents over a certain age like stubborn children. It's depressing. Unless my parents lose all capacity I won't be making decisions for them.

Most of MN is, politely, quite ordinary. Of course, we all love our parents, except for the loudmouths who announce they are NC, and most of us try to do our best for our parents, some of whom sound nightmarishly stubborn. But we all get older and most of us get more set in their ways, and resist unwelcome, yet necessary, changes. Of course, this is not a solution.

So, no young children, a transferable job and few local friends. That explains a lot.

I think it’s considered laughable for several reasons. Firstly your parents chose to have you, not the other way round, if life is just all about caring for elderly relatives then dying yourself what’s the point? Secondly, uprooting your life for people who may only have a few years left to live isn’t a good decision in the long term. Thirdly, many of us weren’t brought up very well, by parents who showed neglect at best and cruelty at worst. Why should I give up my life to care for people who actually didn’t care for me?

Personally I don’t want my children to care for me, all measures will be put in place so this doesn’t need to happen. I find parents who are happy to see their adult kids uprooted to look after them because they don’t want to pay for a carer to be quite selfish. Of course I hope my kids will want to see me, and help me with things like administration if I’m finding something difficult, but I don’t want them to be
my unpaid carers while juggling their own careers and families. I want to be their rock.

Incidentally, I don’t automatically take any side but, having looked after my olds and being far from young myself, it’s inevitable that I’ll see life from that perspective.

I feel like you do. It’s fine that you don’t like children, that’s your prerogative, but you can’t criticise others for ageism while holding such an opinion.

Why should they? Everything is your post is about your needs not theirs they have no concerns.
You are correct about the issue they may face but they aren't bothered.
You moved away and now you want them to follow. The garden is not the reason, it's the investment and 35 years of toil and memories in the garden.
Yes they could have a lovely house and garden near you but it won't be one's they have got how they like.

Leave them too it and just be clear that if any of the scenarios you have mentioned do happen they will have to cope alone and will need to change things but until then leave them be.

I moved closer to my parents when I was 25 as I was a bit concerned about my Dad who was in his early 60's and poor health but mum was only 49 working as a RN. I moved 50 mikes away.
My mum died suddenly at 51 and my dad moved to be closer to me (15 minutes drive) after 18 months frankly being closer didn't make it any easier for me, social service and health care services just leafy me too it and because was only 15 minutes away everything was considered that I could drop everything immediately and "pop over" and sort out. Even though I had a job, I found myself at 28/29 having to work part time and was barely hanging onto my job because of this, had to abandon a degree. He died when I was 33 my life was in tatters. If he had been further away as we had been originally I know he would have had some services as he had had them and he hadn't been so I'll immediately after my mums death. Employers are not so sympathetic about parents who are close as "can't you deal with this in the evening? Weekend? But you can't always and anyway I was there every evening, every weekend, maintaining his life while mine went to fuck.
Oh and the fucking lifeline paid for a service and all that happened was constantly told "oh we haven't got anyone available can you "pop over" he says he is fine. Friend who live away don't get this shit.
Rant over but it is their life and remember when they have tried to interfere in your in your best interest?
Exactly.
I am glad you love them so much but leave them be, just make it known what your limitations are and live by it.

@Jamtartforme that's a very good post! My FIL lives in an area 200 miles ago that if I ignore the fact he's 83 I wouldn't move to if you paid me- he has no great love of it either and is there because of a now deceased partner.

He actually really likes where we live (Bath) and is originally from the West Country too , so he would like in many ways to move back- problem I see is partly cost- he only wants bungalows, won't look at flats, and it's slightly more expensive here and I think it's the sheer effort involved in buying and moving too. It seems to be small obstacles become like mountains beyond a certain age . We do have POA already though- he's been efficient in that way and he's not remotely tight and can afford to pay out if needs be - it seems such a shame though to spend your later years somewhere you really don't like

That’s an unusual situation @Crikeyalmighty. Most people your Fil’s age have lived where they are for decades and the roots of their lives are very deep. I can imagine that the prospect of moving house in your mid 80s is incredibly daunting.

At the end of the day everyone makes their own choice. For me it was easier to adjust my life than live hours away, live in fear of the phone ringing and have to drive for hours if there was an emergency - and there were plenty of those in the last couple of years.

And yes, @Jamtartforme, I know I was astonishingly fortunate to have won the lottery with my parents and to have such a close and mutually supportive relationship. Obviously that had a huge influence on my choices and it would be ridiculous to pretend that everyone is as lucky as me.

@BIossomtoes Yep, it's unusual- he's been there 12 years. I do feel for him as in his heart I know he wants to move.

I think most of us are speaking from our experience with our own relatives.

Not about you.

And probably a bit older than you. My parents were fine when they were your age.

I want to be their rock. In my experience, it’s the parents used to being the “rock” who are the least likely to recognise their declining abilities.