To think my parents really should move..

[Another360]

Hi,

So a bit of background, my parents are both in their early-mid 70's. They have lived in their current house for 35 years. It's detached, it has a lovely garden, which they take great pride in and is in a good area.

My sister and I now live in a similar area to each other, around 2 hours drive away and have done for almost 10 years. Currently, it's doable, as currently they're in OK health. By "OK", I mean nothing awful, but they've slowed down a lot in the past few years. My mums eyesight is pretty bad and she doesn't drive at all anymore and is often in unexplained pain. If my dad lost his license for whatever reason, they'd be screwed! My dad also has poor mental health and has had a couple of breakdowns (although they don't like to admit this) and during those times, it was very hard, as we obviously wanted to help more than we could.

They were all for moving closer to us a couple of years ago, as they could see it made the most sense, but recently they seem to have given up on the idea and have made lots of home and garden improvements and not with the idea of selling.

They will not really compromise on anything, mostly a large garden, which seems ridiculous to me, as they're not going to be manage it like they can now in the not too distant future and they already struggle.

They have no other family or friends in the are. We are their family and we both have dcs too, who they're very close to.

If they had other people around them - anyone, I wouldn't encourage this so much, but the thought of one of them becoming very ill and not being closer really worries me. My dad relies on my mum for everything so if she became very ill, or worse, I can't imagine how he'd cope - he wouldn't.

They really are just staying for the garden, which seems ludicrous to me. I do understand that it means a lot to them, but surely not more than being close to your family and having them near you when you really need them. It's not really a case of if, but when.

We were even looking at moving closer that way, as they really seemed to have dug their heels recently, but we just can't make it work with my dc and our work.

I see so many of these property programmes, where there's a couple making their final retirement move to be close to their kids and grandkids and they often need to make sacrifices and I wonder why my parents won't do the same.

It's not like I would expect them to live in a shoe box and just sick it up, but they don't seem to want to make any compromises now.

Anyone else in a similar situation?

This is exactly my situation with my mum who lives alone after splitting with my father some 40 years ago. Her health isn’t great, she doesn’t have any social life whatsoever (this is no exaggeration), loves coming to stay with us to spend time with her grandchildren (who are quite grown up) but when I tried speaking to her about moving to a place close to us so she could share her life with all of us ie have more of a life, she then moaned to my brother that I was trying to force her out of her home! I work long hours and it will seriously break me if I have to keep travelling - issues are only round the corner too as her mobility is already very limited.

And breathe 😂

Maybe the area people grew up in isn’t somewhere they would want to raise children themselves.
Maybe people got married.
Maybe people moved away for work.

Are you suggesting we all hang around for 30 years just waiting for parents to age?

Some of us can’t move back because of commitments elsewhere.

No one is asking parents to move who are coping well, are fit and healthy etc. What we’re suggesting is that eventually when parents become infirm a plan needs to be put in place, preferably in advance.
If parents are happy to remain where they are and have help in that’s great. What’s not great is parents refusing to plan, then when it goes wrong to expect children to be driving 8-10 hours round trip to help every week.

I would say in general that past 80 is a bit late to move. And if people aren't ready to go before that, then they're not. Try not to let it be all you talk about.

If id moved to be near my mum when she was 83 and I was a new widow, things would have worked out really well. However, ds was 14 and I didn't want to leave my happy memories and my friends or his school. So mum did a sensible move to a retirement flat near me, and hated it from day 1. She had a miserable 3 years and then a major stroke and is now in 24 hour care. She should have stayed where she was, and if she had fallen down the stairs at home, so what? Overall less misery and probably saved money on the move too.

Old age is not easy. Don't think that by fixing one thing the whole situation is fixable.

Can't you install a stairlift?

I thought @SeaToSki made helpful suggestions. Part of the process IS about talking openly about what’s most important and when older people are already tired or in slight decline - or just getting over major change such as the COVID experience - they can forget what they used to enjoy doing and cling to the status quo even if it’s not really giving them the quality of life they would like.

My ILs (in their 80s) moved near to us recently. They were very sad to leave their (beautiful) house & garden but it was unaffordable and impractical. It’s been hard for them (and for us), but they’re independent and happy with a much easier life and no money worries but still enjoying their hobbies - in fact more than before with so much less housework etc to worry about.

If you’re offering support you have to put your money where your mouth is. You have to be willing to give practical help and social support. You have to include them in your life and help them settle.

What I’ve observed is that with that extra help on hand they are much more confident at trying new things because they know we’ll help them if needed. So by giving up a little independence they have gained a lot. I saw the same thing with my GPs who moved close to my DM in their 90s.

Yes. I moved in my early 20s. I wouldn't raise children where I grew up. The schools are now awful.

We also can't both just "move back" as our parents are as far from each other as they are from us. What do we do - flip a coin?

Moving is very stressful and they are probably very attached to the house and and garden, so it is understandable that are not enthusiastic about moving. The garden is not that big an issue if they can afford a gardener to come fairly regularly. I had elderly relatives with massive gardens and they always look immaculate even when they were in their 90s, much better than mine that I don't have time for!

My mum is also in her 80s and doesn't live that near to me so it's something that I think about. But if she moved here I'd be at work all the time and she currently has friends that she socialises with where she lives, so I don't necessarily think it's right for her at this stage.

It's quite a difficult situation but at the end of the day it's their choice. Seeing their lovely garden every day might keep them going.

All the OP can do, is suggest, but it is a choice they need to decide for themselves.
2 points tho;
I know someone who moved to be near her daughter, and her family, only for a year later, the daughter changed her job, and they all moved away, leaving her mother (father deceased), in a new area still trying to make friends.
Secondly, elderly people can get to an age where moving is just too difficult. This is not actually a physical age (as early-mid 70s is not that old), but it is a mental thing whereby they cannot cope with the stress of moving somewhere new.
Generally, I agree with you that being near to family is the ideal situation.

I had exactly the same problem with my parents - they had a HUGE garden which they put so much effort into. I did suggest they look at moving closer to us (no other family) and have a smaller place but they didn't want to. I did say that I couldn't guarantee getting to them often and they were adamant they were not moving.

When they become unable to do all the housework and gardening they then expected me to do 4+ hour round trips every weekend to mow the lawn! Additionally nothing I did was up to their standard - if I mowed the lawn I hadn't done the edges, the stripes were not straight, the flower borders (extensive) needed weeding; it was honestly like a mini show garden for the National Trust or something! There was one weekend I went to help but I was so tired after the week and long drive I fell asleep on the sofa whilst chatting to them. I had to say I'm really sorry but I don't even mow my own lawn we have a gardener and also a cleaner, you'll need to do the same. There was a lot of angst because they said I wouldn't help and they didn't want "outside help". But it was impossible to work full time in a demanding job with a commute which often involves travel abroad, look after 2 DC, spend time with DH and also mow/clean etc for them, especially in the summer when the journey became very long as they were near the coast.

Sadly they have no passed away but I do not remember those times with fondness. It was a completely lose/lose situation so I feel for you (although no advice apart from stick to you guns when they can't do it any more).

Sorry all, I thought I had been specific about approaching people at the level that they currently are

”If you are working with people who are struggling with this”.

Rather than a blanket assumption that everyone over the age of 65 has the mental age of a small child, which is clearly not appropriate and insulting.

I have a DFIL aged 80 with Alzheimers, I am lucky if he can remember my DCs names. My DMIL aged 78 has a wonderful memory for long term social memories but can panic and lash out at the slightest hint of a change in living style. My DH and I have just successfully helped them to move into an assisted living facility and sell their home.

My DF is 80 and has hearing loss and heart problems. He cant cope with the tiniest hint of a problem, it sends his stress levels soaring and put him into AFib. My DM just had surgery and they both got wobbly trying to manage their washing and cooking with her out of action. My DSis and I coached them through it, but helping them work out how to trouble shoot a failing internet router almost finished us all off! Both my parents are wonderful competent people who can converse on a wide range of subjects and are empathetic helpful people. But multidimensional, time sensitive problems send them into a flat spin. They luckily moved into an aging friendly house 10 yrs ago (with my help and encouragement)

I also have friends who are in their early and mid 70s and are only recently retired from high level banking jobs. They can both run rings around me solving complex problems and travel the world attending board meetings for multinational companies/charities.

My relationships with all these wonderful people are based on meeting them where they are and hoping that they enjoy my company as much as I enjoy theirs.

I am sorry to have offended, it was not my intention.

Old people do not want to move in general, and the reasons of others as to why they should move are mostly not listened to.
The main reason is actually that you want them to move for your convenience, but are disguising it as their convenience.

@SeaToSki ha, ha none taken. Yep it's a really individual thing- I know musicians in their late 70sstill gigging and yet see people here in town really struggling who are probably only mid 60s . Those adverts bloody annoy me !!

It's difficult. I'm in my early sixties. My two best friends are in their early 70s. We go wild swimming, paddleboarding, driving all over Europe in campervans and have just been to 3 festivals.
We ARE old, but we don't feel it. Having my daughter suggest that I move to a smaller home/retirement property would almost be an insult, but logically, I can see the point.

It's a bit like going to Dignitas. By the time you need to go, you're no longer able.

Find some alternatives OP - sell the dream of easy living, with the freedom to do as they please - it's quite overwhelming to start thinking of a complete change of lifestyle, but liberating. The idea of it just needs to be sold😁

For me, selling my big house in the country ( nowt posh, just a nice house with land), meant I could buy a house a walk away from a pub, shops and bus stop. I had money left over to buy a campervan. I've made fabulous new friends. BUT I did dig my heels in and said they would carry me out of big house in a coffin - I loved my life there, it was relationship issues that forced a change in lifestyle for me.

I think it's easy to forget that us older women feel, experience and endure the same emotions and ties that younger women do. We forget we are getting older. Until we look in the mirror🤣

I understand what you are saying but honestly you should hear my parents. The house is too much, the gardening is killing them, the area has gone to the dogs, it’s no use spending money on it ‘we might move’ So then I offer to find them a gardener or look at properties with them and it’s ‘nooooo., I couldn't live here or there, I don’t want anyone helping me, How much for a bloody flat?? You couldn’t swing a cat in that bungalow.
Then when I visit, they are clearly knackered and I feel guilty for not offering to mow their lawns which would take me all day.
I can’t win!! I think they just like moaning at me tbh.

It's called "emotional vomiting" @Clarabe1 .
They feel great when you've left - you feel exhausted.
Don't feel guilty.
You are helping but not in the gardening sense!

My DS thinks it's quite funny that I've deliberately moved to a small bungalow and I'm still fairly young and work full time. But I wanted to future proof myself because I saw my DGM rattle around a huge house, not being able to live upstairs or do the garden.

But it's hard to move. They've got all the memories there.

Would they be interested in maybe just viewing some suitable properties?

YANBU. I'm in exactly the same situation with MIL. She's early 70's, pottering around the family home with a large garden. Fine, but she's got a dodgy hip, isn't fit and is uncomfortable walking moderate distances. She's alright for now but is only going to get less mobile.

We live a good 2-hour drive away and BIL and his partner live hundreds of miles away and don't drive. DH and I can't move as the DC are settled in school and my parents live locally. BIL and partner are priced out of moving.

I've brought this up with DH and he doesn't see the problem. His dad lived there through a terminal illness to the end of his life and they just had a hospital bed in the living room. Crucially though, adult DH lived there at the time and his mum was a lot younger.

I've pointed out that the worst time to move is when you're in hospital unable to be discharged because your home isn't suitable. At that point, it's relatives desperately scrabbling around for a semi-decent care home, not arranging minor adaptations and carers for a bungalow or flat. I'll keep nibbling away at it but don't feel it's my place to bring it up with MIL.

The truth is, they have to live with their decisions. You don't; it's your choice. They know your limitations.

Wow, didn't expect such a response, but I guess it's going to be quite a common problem.

I want them to be happy and not just closer, but I honestly believe they can be both. As I said, they have nothing holding them there anymore and they have said this themselves. My mum will occasionally scroll through Rightmove and will be put off by things like a green wall or a strangely placed, ugly chair 🙄 Honestly. She just can't see that these are easily fixed, non issues. Whenever I say this, she gets on the defensive and will say things like "but it's my opinion, we don't have to agree" etc and so is completely missing the point.

If they move in their 70s to a new area you will be all they have in that new area. It's tough making new friends, but I think they've left it too late. I'd say 10 years ago it might have been a good move, but now, no.
2 hours away means you can't do the day to day care, but they'll know that.

@Wingedharpy that’s it! Exactly. It’s like they spew up everything that is getting on their nerves about everything the minute I appear. My brothers don’t get it- just me.
There is no helping them. I can see what is going to happen with the house and that a crisis will force their hand eventually but I have gotten to the point now where I just say ‘oh dear’ and tune them out because every practical suggestion I offer is met with an obstacle.

No I am not suggesting you sit around in the same area waiting for parents to get old, but the fact is people move to where they want to live and then expect their parents to follow later in life even if it isn't somewhere the parents would choose.

There seems to be a very recurring theme on MN that once DC are grown and leave home then parents have to do exactly what their adult dc tell them.

Want a relationship with your GC - do what you are told
Provide us with childcare or we won't look after you in later life
Move where we want you to because its more convenient for us.

@Fartooold I've always said one of the things about getting older is weirdly your brain talks to you as if you were 28 - just the mirror doesn't . Good on you!!

I agree with you completely.

WHen my Dad was in his 70's and not great health, I talked to him about sheltered housing, as he didn't have a downstairs bathroom and wasn't coping very well. He agreed surprisingly quickly, but then added the proviso "when he was old".
Sadly he had another stroke within a few days of the conversation, and did agree that it was sensible to look at that stage.
I looked initially looked close to him, but then like you, I realised he didn't have any real ties. friends or backup despite living in the house for over 20 years. Eventually found him somewhere about an hours drive from me and ten minutes from my sister - compared to a three hour+ drive for either of us.
He probably had an additional five years of independent living that wouldn't have been possible if he'd not agreed to move.

Sadly as a PP suggested, it will probably take some kind of crisis point before they agree.