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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH works 9-5, so everything is my responsibility

300 replies

Hipp0campus · 14/08/2023 07:44

Basically that.
DH works 9-5, so has never done any night wakings, early mornings ect.
His ruling is that he works and I don't, so the childcsre/house/shopping stuff is my responsibility.

Generally fine with this, logically makes sense. But when I ask for help or have been up since 4.30am with disabled DC, it'd be great to have some help.

If i ask him to change a nappy or something else, I get told I'm nagging. But he won't do it off his own back.

We have 3 DC, one disabled.
I feel like a single parent half the time.

YABU - you don't work so crack on

YANBU- 3 DC need both hands on deck.

OP posts:
legalseagull · 14/08/2023 07:47

So when's your weekend?

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 14/08/2023 07:47

YANBU.

I do generally agree that a SAHP should be responsible for the domestic stuff. However, when you have a disabled child, it's different. He needs to pull his weight.

bryceQ · 14/08/2023 07:51

Nope not remotely fair. He should help as much as he can. We have a disabled child and my husband often does night wakings. Working is easier than looking after our disabled child.

Original poster
Hipp0campus · 14/08/2023 07:52

@legalseagull his point is that all week is my weekend, 2 of the DC are school age so I do have between 9am-2.30pm with just the one DC.

OP posts:
panko · 14/08/2023 07:54

During 9-5 (plus the commute and the getting read I guess) then yes your responsibility. Outside that 50/50 at the least or he should be trying to give you more respite. Did he want to be a parent?

CrunchyCarrot · 14/08/2023 07:54

His ruling is that he works and I don't

Well I would be challenging him on that! Of course you work, you work bloody hard! Just because no-one gives you a pay packet at the end of the day doesn't mean your work is any less than his!

It's fine that the majority of house work and shopping/admin falls to you but goodness, you both need to sort out some give and take so that he will actually help out when needed, they are his children too!

megletthesecond · 14/08/2023 07:54

It's not fair. You're on duty 24/7.

Pottedpalm · 14/08/2023 07:55

I’m wondering why you had a third child if you were unhappy with the set up?

Goldbar · 14/08/2023 07:56

He's a selfish arse, which you must know. The question is, what are you going to do with that information?

Comedycook · 14/08/2023 07:56

I can pretty much guarantee that if you worked full time he'd still do nothing.

SummerDuck · 14/08/2023 07:57

You are a SAHM so course caring and household duties are your responsibility. Your DH is going out to work to provide an income for the family. I really don’t see the issue.

lanthanum · 14/08/2023 07:58

Hipp0campus · 14/08/2023 07:52

@legalseagull his point is that all week is my weekend, 2 of the DC are school age so I do have between 9am-2.30pm with just the one DC.

Perhaps you should take the older two away for the weekend, and see how he finds a weekend with just the one DC.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 14/08/2023 07:58

He sounds a peach OP! Hope you take a weekend - but I can guess you don’t. Looking after young children, children with disabilities is harder than most standard office jobs.

smartiesneberhadtheanswer · 14/08/2023 07:59

He's an abomination, three DC, one disabled and he doesn't help at all?

I'm so sorry you got stuck with this arse. Is it possible for you to work? Would you consider leaving him?

SummerDuck · 14/08/2023 07:59

I am really surprised by the number of people who become SAHMs and then expect DHs to come home from work and start doing housework etc. That is quite literally the purpose of having a SAHP.

M103 · 14/08/2023 07:59

He should at least look after the disabled child at the weekend, since you do at your 'weekend'.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 14/08/2023 07:59

SummerDuck · 14/08/2023 07:57

You are a SAHM so course caring and household duties are your responsibility. Your DH is going out to work to provide an income for the family. I really don’t see the issue.

The OP has a disabled child. She is a carer rather than simply being a SAHP. I think that changes everything.

Caring for a disabled child has a different level of intensity from normal parenting imo. Her DH needs to step up.

Gnomegnomegnome · 14/08/2023 08:00

Does he think that everyone who works 9-5 checks out of family life?

It’s not like he’s doing long hours!

I agree that the majority of it should be you but with a disabled child and broken sleep he should WANT to contribute.

PuntasticUsername · 14/08/2023 08:01

So he works 9-5 and you work 24/7? No, obviously that's not fair. And what kind of shithead doesn't help his disabled child and their mother when they need it, no matter what?

Also having "just one child" at home during the school day doesn't make it the equivalent of a weekend. Obviously.

He can take his "ruling" all the way to the divorce courts, that's where he's going to end up if he doesn't raise his game.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 14/08/2023 08:01

SummerDuck · 14/08/2023 07:59

I am really surprised by the number of people who become SAHMs and then expect DHs to come home from work and start doing housework etc. That is quite literally the purpose of having a SAHP.

Outside office hours 9-5, they’re both parents. No?

JapaneseSlipper · 14/08/2023 08:02

“Generally fine with this, logically makes sense.” No it doesn’t - why are you telling yourself that it does?

CapEBarra · 14/08/2023 08:03

My ex was like this. I got a job and divorced him. Now he has to do it 50% of the time by himself.

panko · 14/08/2023 08:03

SummerDuck · 14/08/2023 07:59

I am really surprised by the number of people who become SAHMs and then expect DHs to come home from work and start doing housework etc. That is quite literally the purpose of having a SAHP.

Sure the bulk of the housework should be done by OP during the day. But looking after the kids isn't housework

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 14/08/2023 08:03

SummerDuck · 14/08/2023 07:59

I am really surprised by the number of people who become SAHMs and then expect DHs to come home from work and start doing housework etc. That is quite literally the purpose of having a SAHP.

So because you work 9-5 you don't have to do anything around the house or for your kids?

What happens if both parents work?

Twizbe · 14/08/2023 08:04

I’m a SAHP my DH is a working parent - note we’re BOTH parents. We were both working parents once and will be again soon. Again both parents, regardless of who’s earning the money.