DH works 9-5, so everything is my responsibility

[Hipp0campus]

Basically that.
DH works 9-5, so has never done any night wakings, early mornings ect.
His ruling is that he works and I don't, so the childcsre/house/shopping stuff is my responsibility.

Generally fine with this, logically makes sense. But when I ask for help or have been up since 4.30am with disabled DC, it'd be great to have some help.

If i ask him to change a nappy or something else, I get told I'm nagging. But he won't do it off his own back.

We have 3 DC, one disabled.
I feel like a single parent half the time.

YABU - you don't work so crack on

YANBU- 3 DC need both hands on deck.

Parental and household work is labour. While he’s out at work, you’re are home (and out and about) at work. When you’re home together, the practical work of building a life and home should therefore be shared.

But the vast majority of the housework should easily be doable by her during her "working hours" at home.

He should be sharing the parenting in eves/weekends.

@Yellowlegobrick did you miss the post where the OP explains that she has her disabled DC at home with her, who she is caring for, all day? She's not sat at home whilst all her children are at school, she is caring for her disabled child. All the housework is not going to get done around that.

People also used to just park their babies outside in their prams and send their older ones off to wander with a jam sandwich to keep them going and return only when the street lights came on.
Nowadays, if a woman is giving up her financial independence she generally wants it to actually benefit her children, not just so she can skivvy for a lazy, selfish man.

I get your point, It's not that easy though.... Childcare for disabled children is very hard to find and expensive! Plus there are a million appointments, sick days etc and employers only give so much. It's really hard to work with disabled children if you don't have a good support network. We've got 2, 16 months between them, didn't know about their disability and health issues until they were older. I've never been able to get back to my profession as a result. Bits of part time work but it's exhausting trying to juggle. They are 12 and 13 now, and though I can leave the oldest one for a few hours, the youngest has epilepsy and a mental age of 5 and can't be left. There is no regular childcare available for 12 year olds, let alone disabled ones. We are on our own. Unless she has someone who is willing to help with childcare, which it doesn't sound like she does, getting a job would just make it harder in every other way than financial independence while she is still with this lazy, selfish idiot, because I bet he won't consider disrupting his precious little office job he works so hard at to help out even if she said she was going back!

Quite, if we "parented" like they used to back then we'd probably have our kids taken away from us. People who say this kind of stuff are often also the first to start whining about "feral" children with parents not watching them etc.

If he works 8hrs per day, and you work 8hrs per day.
Then the other 16 hrs you would split equitably.
As a sahm
You are working when he is at work. You don't get a lunch break the same way that he does.

Why should you not be splitting the tasks for the remainder time.
It is not fair one partner works 24:7,7 days a week and one 40 hrs a week.
It is unequitable.

You should take shifts so person a responsible for m-thurd outside working hours. The other Fri to sun.
Then swap.
Or something like that.
Maybe someone is on 5-9 and the other night watch and mornings.
Then swap.

Have a chat about resentment building up and how it's important that it doesn't build up between you both.

You are not a slave and do not deserve to be treated like one.

I work a regular 9-5 from home, my partner is a HGV driver so does a full day outside the house. The expectation is that I’ll take care of everything because it’s easier for me to do so but that doesn’t mean he has a free pass to be lazy the second he walks in the door. He’ll absolutely pick up the slack if needed and without asking. Your DH sounds entitled, you’re supposed to be a team and he needs to start pitching in evenings and weekends

Oh we’re taking that approach? In that case OP I’d suggest talking to your DH and submitting a flexible working arrangement! No seriously, things change, most employees are taken on for a specific job but things evolve, workloads and responsibilities change and you’d have every right to renegotiate with your employer. It’s no different here, if the OP is feeling overwhelmed then there is a problem with the balance and ‘work’ should be reallocated fairly

Oh!

A poster with an ever-changing story...

A friend of mine didn't work and her husbands day off she would make him go shopping, do all the chores and most of the childcare. I personally thought that was unfair because she had plenty of time to work this into her routine during the week. The weekend was like her way of punishing him for not being around in the week because he was working, but instead she would make him do the big chores she didn't want to do during the week.

My wife and I both work. We have two kids in nursery/school that finishes mid afternoon. We have a nanny 32 hours a week (who does light house keeping + baby sitting to make up the time outside of school pick-up to evening). Guess what, even if ahe did another 6 hours a week, she wouldn't be putting any of the kids to bed or being there in the night.. and deffo not on the weekend!

Honestly - he either pulls his weight or he goes! This is not a partnership he is treating you like the home help!

Start billing him for the work you do. Bill him for childcare, bill him for cleaning, bill him for cooking. Make him get 3 more jobs to pay you for the work you do that ALLOWS him to work his cute little 9-5 job.
And then leave his dumb ass.

Valid but it takes two to create a child dad works 9-5 then comes home clocks off mum is on call 24/7 so changing a nappy washing a sink of pots putting a bin bag out looking after his children he is 50% responsible for creating while mum has down time and head space is not in any way unreasonable we are humans not robots going out to work 8 hours day is nothing compared to the 24/7 365 days on call routine of a stay at home parent whos partner doesn't allow a break to entitled bratty man

Go back to work then… then he’ll not only have to pay to do what you’re doing but also do his share of childcare, household stuff when he’s not at work… seems fair to me!

That is hilarious! Complete CF behaviour. My DH works around 8-6 with lots of random extra hours put on top and does loads of chores (WFH so can pick up on some laundry and dishwasher, returns parcels, tidy up a bit) and we always alternated early mornings in the past (toddler sleeps until 7am now so we all get up together), weekends are 100% family time so we are always either "on duty" or both relaxing after she sleeps. He's also the higher earner by far, but we consider our family our shared project. I wouldn't settle for any less than this and you shouldn't either!

I've actually just joined Mumsnet just to reply to this post as I'm so upset by it. His behaviour is vile and he is being completely unreasonable. Being at work all day surrounded by adults having adult conversations and not constant being mithered by children is a doddle compared to being stuck at home all day with the children.

I have one son and am a single parent, I work for myself in London, very long hours in a very physically demanding industry, I could only take 3 months maternity leave and I can honestly say I was so happy when he went to nursery and I could go back to my 60 hour week. Hes now 9 and I adore him but patenting is exhausting and quite often a lonely and a thankless task.

The fact he belittled you by calling you a nag when you ask for some help is extremely distressing the hear, especially when you have a child with disabilities. I don't know what your financial situation is...or if you had a career before. If you did my advice to you would be to leave him and get a job yourself and then he can take on 50% of the childcare on. I think he would ger a nasty shock if he realised what goes into it.
Like many others on here have said, hes got a 9 to 5 and you 24/7.
I'd love to know what his Job is? He sounds like a selfish, mysoginisic, lazy oaf to me and does not deserve you.

Sorry! I posted on the wrong thread!

Has he ever done what you do in a day? He needs to realise work is a bloody easy day.

If I was you I would divorce him. He thinks so little of you. Just hand him divorce papers and hopefully he leaves the house and you and the children can stay there.

Absolutely fine if you also get to clock out at 5pm every afternoon and have the same amount of days off as he does...

The purpose of having a SAHP is for childcare. Most people will be able to get some housework done while looking after their child(ren), but anything that doesn't get done during the other parent's working hours needs to be shared fairly and reasonably.

Edited to add: Oh God, you were the poster whose husband wanted to give you routines to stick to as a SAHM! My, he's clearly got into your head if you're now spouting this rubbish.

Same. My husband is military. He has a couple of weeks off a year and he says that's his recovery time.

But I don't work and he says the house and kids are my job.

I understand that but then I do a job with no free time?