DH works 9-5, so everything is my responsibility

[Hipp0campus]

Basically that.
DH works 9-5, so has never done any night wakings, early mornings ect.
His ruling is that he works and I don't, so the childcsre/house/shopping stuff is my responsibility.

Generally fine with this, logically makes sense. But when I ask for help or have been up since 4.30am with disabled DC, it'd be great to have some help.

If i ask him to change a nappy or something else, I get told I'm nagging. But he won't do it off his own back.

We have 3 DC, one disabled.
I feel like a single parent half the time.

YABU - you don't work so crack on

YANBU- 3 DC need both hands on deck.

I have to agree with this, this is number 1 reason why I refuse to be a SAHM

How old are the kids? Has it always been this way?

What an absolute scumbag watching you put yourself through this.

How can you not absolutely resent this SOAB?

DH works 9-5, so has never done any night wakings, early mornings ect.

You lost me already 😄 between 9-5 the kids are your responsibility if you’re SAHM and he works 9-5. Outside of those hours it should be 50:50.

I say this and get told I’m not supporting womenhood and criticising SAHM’s when it’s far from the case, more like I don’t want to be financially abused and treated like a slave e.g. OP!

He sounds awful. Housework aside, it is not as though parenting is a 9-5 role on weekdays only. I doubt that DC3 is solely night-waking at 09:30 on a Tuesday or 13:45 on a Thursday! Husband should definitely be stepping up to do half when he’s home.

If the OP divorces him though, will life be easier? Let’s face it, he won’t agree to 50:50.

It’s likely to be EOW, with even that dwindling once he meets a new girlfriend and can’t be bothered with the kids any more. We see this all the time on here with deadbeat men.

So the OP will be stuck with her current situation (broadly) but will have to work part time outside the home too, probably in a pretty mundane job, because benefits won’t cover everything.

Divorce probably not the answer whilst DC3 still young, so getting assertive is likely the way forward. Start this Saturday, get up and say you’re going out for a few hours. Arrange a weeknight pizza with a friend a couple of times a month. Join an exercise class. Whatever….Be robust about this.

My wife is a SAHM. I work FT but I still do the food shopping and cooking (I like cooking!). I bleach toilets, put the hoover around, empty the bins, tidy up, change nappies, help put the kids to bed, etc.

Your husband is just a lazy, good for nothing, waste of space. You don't clock off on Friday at 5pm when you have a family to support. Money is just part of the puzzle.

He's a lazy, self serving, prick. He isn't s partner or a father. Divorce him. You might get some downtime if he closes to see his kids. You might not. At least you won't be doing his cleaning, cooking, laundry etc. He sounds like a waste of space.

The idea that work is only work when it is paid for in money is horrendous.

Husband should have come home at 6:30 and sent you off to bed while he took over with the kids. What a tosser.

I think a key issue is not just a logical division of labour, but his approach to the home. He is not interested, not supportive, not kind and the fact he works full time is a very convenient reason to shut down any challenge to this.
Men with a different kinder personality don’t use 9 to 5 work as an excuse to check out if all of the mental and physical labour that home life involves.
If you stay with him, you’ll feel resentful forever. Even when you’re both retired and the children are elsewhere, you won’t feel the warm glow of companionship in retirement, you’ll feel bitterness for his lack of consideration over all the preceding years.

Your job is harder than his job, by a long chalk.

That aside you should both get equal amounts of personal or leisure time, that’s fair.

I seriously think you should split. It’s not workable long term to be a career and have the burden of him being there too.

Carer not career

You work from 9-5 too. Outside those hours he needs to share the load. What sort of lazy twat sits around in the evening expecting to be waited on hand and foot whilst his poor exhausted wife does all the work? He’s showing you a total lack of respect for you.

@GreenClock - but being divorced from a horrible man carries a priceless value which I can't articulate. It's freeing. There's no negativity. It's marvellous.
When I got divorced, along with the weight of resentment lifted from my shoulders, I quickly discovered I had approx two hours - TWO WHOLE HOURS - per day spare. I was blown away. I never really come work out exactly where it came from - 7 laundry loads a week less was an easy one, far less cooking, not picking his shoes up from every stupid location round the house - I don't really know, but I was really surprised.

I would leave in this scenario.

He has made work intolerable for you so that you have no income and therefore you feel more trapped.

I would do anything I could to get some form of paid employment and then divorce him. With 3 kids, one disabled, you’re likely to get a reasonable financial settlement (but speak to a solicitor). He is treating you like a slave. Find your anger and do not accept it.

If he turns off the "funding taps" then that is financial abuse. Abuse is a criminal offence. HTH

I am in a similar position to OP. DH works full time and we have 3 dcs. One of our dcs is disabled and one has a health condition. I do work but only 2 to 3 days a month when dh is home. I actually find the days I go to work far easier and my job is full on. My youngest dc is now in pre school nursery so I do get more “free” time. I do most of the housework, shopping, life admin, taking dcs to doctors, dentist, paediatrician etc so my “free” time isn’t that free especially when the inevitable winter bugs hit (last winter between my 3 kids they were of sick for 7 weeks). In school holiday’s particularly summer holidays dh has to step up. My sons disability means he can meltdown for hours daily so I can’t do house work etc as normal. DH is also excepted to help at the evenings and weekends. I slept in on sat morning as I was shattered after 6 continuous weeks of caring for our dc with disability’s because he is relentless, demanding and exhausting to care for due to his complex needs.

Your dh should be helping weekends and evenings. Personally I think in school time most housework, shopping, life admin etc needs to fall to the SAHM parent but he should be making dinner sometimes, taking DCs to some evening activities, maybe a park trip without you. You should be able to meet friends the odd weekend or evening and leave your DCs with there dad. I also told me dh a couple of years ago he would be attending school meetings and days ones with our sons disability worker as they were being left to me because he had to “work”. His employer are very supportive of him taking time of for these meetings but he felt guilty taking time of. However to help our dc and support me he needs to be there.

The way I see it is you are partnership so help each other. Last night I as cutting the grass and weeding the garden while he ironed. He has bad hay fever while I hate ironing. Personally I think the SAHM should be doing most of the cleaning, cooking etc in term time and as much as possible in school holidays.

Surely that's dangerously close to saying that children of working mothers are not brought up and lack a stable secure foundation?

Lol my husband would be getting served divorce papers if he treated me in this manner.

If she has to go back to work full time I assuming her dh will quit work to be SAHD because getting care for a disabled dc is virtually impossible so one parent has to be home.

@MiniTheMinx, that's not what I said or what I meant. The purpose of being a SAHP is to spend time with the kids while they're young, not to clean the house.

Apologies I m going to rephrase and say SAHP

This is an excellent idea. Why don't you do this, OP?

@SunRainStorm, I hope things are better for you now?

No, it’s to be a parent primarily, not a 24/7 maid. Hence Stay at Home Parent. Yes, it’s reasonable that that partner would do the lion’s share of the domestic chores too in those hours. But not 24/7.

I will be skipping back to work in an incredibly stressful role where 60+ hour weeks was standard before kids because, frankly, it is so much easier than parenting just one child.