DH works 9-5, so everything is my responsibility

[Hipp0campus]

Basically that.
DH works 9-5, so has never done any night wakings, early mornings ect.
His ruling is that he works and I don't, so the childcsre/house/shopping stuff is my responsibility.

Generally fine with this, logically makes sense. But when I ask for help or have been up since 4.30am with disabled DC, it'd be great to have some help.

If i ask him to change a nappy or something else, I get told I'm nagging. But he won't do it off his own back.

We have 3 DC, one disabled.
I feel like a single parent half the time.

YABU - you don't work so crack on

YANBU- 3 DC need both hands on deck.

He’s being very unfair. Sorry but working a 9-5 is basic hours. If he was working an 80 hour week putting his all into building a successful business or intense corporate role I think there would be more wriggle room to compromise but the fact you have a disabled child and he think because he’s working basic hours he dissent have to help would be infuriating. You need to have a serious chat with him about expectations going forward.

and incase no one has told you recently, you’re doing a brilliant job mama

I thought it was to allow the child close parental/carer relationship and save on childcare costs?

I know if I've got my 2 on a day off work/school (one toddler), I can't get a huge amount of domestic tasks done. I'm sure childfree people that work still need to do household tasks....no?

Kids, and especially those with addtional needs take up a lot of time, and you need a break. I find work (in a pretty stressful full on role) a breeze compared to looking after a two year old somedays.

This man needs to do more around the house as this is no partnership at the moment.

When do you clock out and take weekends off?

Fucking hell, you poor woman (I mean that in a nice, not patronising, way!) With my ex-husband I also had to do all childcare - difference from your situation was that I was also working full-time and even earning slightly more than him. All night wakings were my responsibility and when I was crying from pure exhaustion and stress one day he told me ‘well I can’t miss out on sleep because my job is creative and very stressful - yours is easy, and by asking me to not get proper sleep you’re essentially asking me to lose my job’ My job absolutely wasn’t/isn’t easy. He left, unsurprisingly, not long after. I really hope your situation (by which I mean your husband) improves. If it doesn’t, just know that while initially unfathomable, it really is easier parenting without the constant sense of disappointment and disrespect.

So where both parents work, do neither of them have to do any parenting outside the hours of 9-5, Monday to Friday? Can they just leave their children sitting in shitty nappies, leave them screaming at night, not feed them - because they work?

Obviously not. Parents have to parent regardless of whether they work.

WTAF

I think I would kill him.

This is what I'm wondering. Single parenthood is obviously very, very hard, but if you're just about doing it already maybe it's less exhausting if you're not also seething with resentment at the person who's sitting there watching football while you do all the childcare, while trying to juggle a full time job 😡

OP didn’t say she wanted him to come home & start doing housework, what she said is that she would like him to help out with THEIR children more - one of whom is disabled. Big difference!

Exactly!

He isn’t going to change his misogynistic views though is he?! You’d be better off doing it alone , then you wouldn’t have to annoyance factor anymore.

The point is that going to work does not absolve him of responsibility for the home and his DC. How about you frame it as you both 'work' 9-5 Mon - Fri and then outside of this children and household chores are a joint effort?

Does your idiot realise he is a parent ?

7 days a week, 52 weeks a year, for what, 18 years?

Interesting that disability changes your stance here yet your expectations for a SAHM are illegal and unsafe working hours. Surely if you are that committed to a SAHM’s role being all encompassing then I’d imagine, attitudinally, that disability would be lumped into that duty and role without mitigation?

Every person needs a break. No person can be everything for someone else. Adding an ill or disabled parent and child into that mix absolutely needs further mitigation and a big input of external help but that is ON TOP of a standard baseline/expectation that EVERYONE NEEDS REST AND A BREAK - YOU DO NOT EARN THESE BASIC HUMAN NEEDS.

OP, your husband is absolutely being unreasonable - any child is not your sole responsibility.

Good luck OP. If he gets indignant about it, ask if he’s making pension and NI contributions on top of your pay. Oh and don’t forget time and a half for anti social hours and of course your holiday allowance and daily work breaks…

The bulk should be done by you as you are at home and he isn’t (50/50 all the time if both working) & for me that includes night time during the week too as if he is tired it affects his job and you are technically at home even if exhausted / ran off your feet. Sounds shit but i say it as a sahm although my husband worked longer hours & away etc.

your husband works 9-5 so at weekends he def needs to do his fair share then including Fri / Sat nights as otherwise you work 24/7 & he gets a lot of free time which isn’t fair.

i do think he should do the odd night / help if you need it particularly with a disabled child to care for as the odd night here & there won’t hurt & the nappies def won’t so in that instance he is just horrible / selfish / unhelpful but that aside the weekends at the very least he needs to do more. Either you both have one day “off” each at the weekend or neither of you get days off

YANBU. I work 9-5 (I consider this an easy lifestyle) and even with fewer children, work is a welcome break.
He should do at minimum 50% of all the childcare outside of his working hours.

I'm a SAHM, my fiancé works 7-5 and travels quite a way to work there and back. We have 3 DC, none of which being disabled and that's full on enough as it is, so I feel for you. Being a sahm, and the fact that I'm fortunate enough to be able to be a sahm, I'm more than happy to pick up flack and jobs that go with being a sahm whislt he's out the house. When he is at home, he does help out, with dinner, bath times, odd jobs that I haven't got around to like the bin etc. He will occasionally get up in the night with our youngest if I'm flat out in a deep sleep.. After all, they are his children too, and whether he works or not, he should be helping out when it comes down to it.

If you were to go back to work, like him, does that then excuse you from helping and sorting the children amongst everything else? No. So why would it be any different for him? Parenting is a joint effort, and so is life in general when you have a family, a home etc.. you're a team, and he needs to realise that x

So could she stop caring for the kids after 5 pm and at the weekend and tell the kids to crack on

Not OK at all, the bits where he's at work is where he gets to wash his hands of parenting, not any other time.

That.

Not a great situation at all 😢
I am a SAHM, both of us decided together it would be better for the kids if one of us stopped working and I really wanted to be at home with them. I do all the housework, cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing and childcare during the week and also carry what I would call the mental load of who needs to be where when, getting food in the fridge, everything kids need for school, play dates, social engagements, Christmas/birthday shopping etc. I also get up in the night to the little one but that works for us as a family unit as my DH has a job that requires his brains to be working on full battery and is not a good sleeper whereas I can literally sleep anywhere so drop back off once I’ve settled her or climbed in with her no probs at all. I get exhausted doing all that and I only have 2 kids and neither has special needs or a disability. My DH works his Monday-Friday office job, helps with club runs in the evenings, does all the DIY, lawn mowing, car washing, house finances. At the weekend we share stuff. Often I have the Saturday morning off to go to slimming world and then Pilates while he takes the kids to their clubs, and often he cooks us a nice meal on the Saturday night. Then on Sunday I take the little one to church with me in the morning and leave him in bed to have a bit of a lie in. We both have regular nights out - he plays football and I go to a book club and sometimes out for a drink or dinner with girly friends. Both of us find life very tiring and we don’t even have it that hard but we are a team. If one of us is struggling with a cold/illness or just generally knackered and run down then the other one steps up more for a few days. I think that what we have is a good balance and hope my experience helps with any conversations you have with DH going forward. I agree with what others have said that he is being very unfair to you and things need to change!!

He's lazy. Plain and simple

“He works I don’t” is simply a mistake. You do work. Parental and household work is labour. While he’s out at work, you’re are home (and out and about) at work. When you’re home together, the practical work of building a life and home should therefore be shared. Yours may be a single income household (I don’t know if it is), but even so, it’s one a single job household. We have been hoodwinked to think that only paid work is work.

I am really surprised by the number of people who become SAHMs and then expect DHs to come home from work and start doing housework etc. That is quite literally the purpose of having a SAHP.

This. People used to manage it with young kids at home, too.

Parenting is a job for two people (often done by only one).

You are absolutely not being unreasonable!! Your partner is not behaving like a partner.

I don't think people realise how hard it is. Nowadays there is no village. Did OP not mention her DC have additional needs too? I still don't think that's it's right for one person to be treated like a maid regardless.