DH works 9-5, so everything is my responsibility

[Hipp0campus]

Basically that.
DH works 9-5, so has never done any night wakings, early mornings ect.
His ruling is that he works and I don't, so the childcsre/house/shopping stuff is my responsibility.

Generally fine with this, logically makes sense. But when I ask for help or have been up since 4.30am with disabled DC, it'd be great to have some help.

If i ask him to change a nappy or something else, I get told I'm nagging. But he won't do it off his own back.

We have 3 DC, one disabled.
I feel like a single parent half the time.

YABU - you don't work so crack on

YANBU- 3 DC need both hands on deck.

He doesn’t even work a 40-hour week, 9-5 with a lunch break is 35 hours.

@Hipp0campus

When my DH pulled this shit with me (I was working part time, not SAHP) I made an excel spreadsheet showing every hour of his week and every hour of mine.

I colour coded: work + commute, child care, leisure time (coloured yellow), housework.

It was impossible for him to argue that it was in anyway fair when his week was full of yellow and mine had exactly one hour of yellow 'leisure' time that I had to use to do Pilates as directed by my doctor to recover from a back injury sustained in pregnancy.

He is buying his leisure time with YOUR RELENTLESS LABOUR. Fuck that.

I can't believe that some people think a man should do some parenting. What kind of sick world is this, where a man might give a fuck about his kids?

Bollocks. You can’t look after a disabled child all day (or 3 kids during school holidays) and focus all your attention on housework. I only have a 2 year old and he would absolutely not let me get any stuff done. I can’t even go to the toilet without him wanting to sit on my lap atm.

OP is not her husband’s employee? Why the fuck shouldn’t her husband come home and for example, offer to cook dinner and do the washing up etc? Any normal person who works full time would still have to come home from work and deal with the house. And their kids.

Also, the very high majority of people I know agree that going to work is easier than looking after kids.

My husband is like this. Thinks because I'm a sahm then the whole house and children are my responsibility 24/7 and has now started nagging about me going back to work. I've asked him.if he would be willing to reduce his hours to facilitate me working, that's a no. I can tell you now he will still think it's down to me to do everything even if I'm also at work.
Once the youngest is full time at school I'll be going back to work and getting a divorce and pushing for 50/50.

I really don’t think @SummerDuck is posting as a woman.

If they are, then ‘turkeys’ and ‘Christmas’ come to mind, so we can safely assume zero credibility.

This!

Also, god forbid a man thinks his wife is not there for his service but is actually a human being who needs help...

You MUST know op that this isn't reasonable. It was the way of the world in the1950s before people worked out that this was an absolutely shit deal for the sahp. (Women usually).

No op.

The way women do it now is to a)not choose a selfish misogynist partner, but if that happens then b) not have a child with him but if that happens then c)don't have any more but if that happens then...

Equal. Leisure. Time.

Then can be no arguments against that.

I would imagine that you are working about 12 /13 hours per day at the moment, every day. 4750 a year. He will be doing some where in the region of 2000.

So, yes op, it should be 50/50 once he's home.

As it's not, you need to start looking at your options. You cikid try to make him understand. I doubt that will work, because he already knows full well you're doing twice the work he is, and he doesn't care. Too selfish. You could do your divorce sums. Your life will get easier on divorce as you won't have to do all his work any more. His will get harder. Given your situation, him doing absolutely nothing with the dc, they aren't going to care.

Also why has his life got easier since having kids? He doesn't have to do anything except go to work, when pre-kids presumably he had to at least do some basic chores to look after himself? So his life has got easier and yours has got immeasurably harder.

No. My husband works 9-5, I work part-time but am at home with kids quite a lot. He takes kids in the mornings, when work is over, he takes them out himself, he does laundry, loads the dishwasher, tidies up. Because he's a fucking adult man who is part of a family.

I've never understood this particular piece of man-logic. If looking after kids is so easy that it doesn't vaguely resemble "work", why won't they do it at weekends etc? If looking after kids is hard, and they can't do it because they need a break from work, then it's hard enough that their DW also needs a break?

I'm not sure I've explained it that well, but it seems like a self defeating argument to me!

Op, @SummerDuck is a colossal bell end, always on threads like this, just posting to wind people up. Just ignore.

If you permanently left him and left the children with him, he would have to pay for childcare for 3 children for maybe 10 hours a day each. Then when he picked up the children, and in the mornings, and at weekends he would be 100% responsible for them and for all the associated housework. You are doing the childcare element, you are directly caring for one of your children and you are facilitating the attendance of your other two at school. The rest of the time, childcare and housework should be shared!

So he works what, 40 hours? How many do you work? Hundreds probably with no annual leave, no weekends and no bloody pay.

I have worked as a carer for disabled children and I was paid £12 PH for it. Had a pension, made NI contributions. It’s WORK. He’s being a prick.

Generally I agree a sahp should be responsible for all this stuff BUT it sounds like he does absolutely nothing!!! Which I don’t understand, surely if you have kids you want to help raise them too? I never understand men with this attitude.

On his next day off, get up early and go out. Just leave the house "off running errands" on a note. And stay out all day. All day long.

Things won't change unless you make them. Tell him you want to go back to work so you get a rest from the shitwork and he'll have to step up.

Or splitting up so he gets full on childcare and you can get a rest looks appealing with CM.

His work is his work and nothing to do with you.
The home and family are yours and his and are the responsibility of both of you.

I've been on mumsnet a long time but this is one of the most enraging things I've ever read on here. How can you possibly view a partner in these terms? I married a man who viewed me as a partner not an employee. I was a SAHM for 2 years, my career up to that point was very similar to his so we were both very aware that being the stay at home parent was equally hard if not harder than going to work. I looked after the household chores and kids 9-5 but he looked after the kids 50/50 in evenings and weekends because that makes sense and is fair, both partners get some rest and no one is boss of the other.

Nope that's utter tripe! We have two DC, I do work but only two days and my husband works around 80 hours a week. He has always shared the night feeds, early mornings etc. yes I do more but he has always always helped when he is home. We take it in turns to have a lay in at the weekend etc. you need to expect more from your DH. You need sleep and a break too

Exactly, so your child working day is getting the kids up at 8 and drop off at 8.50? Then home with your other DC who needs looking after. Your working day involves looking after them all day and any housework your manage. Then your working day requires you to collect the other kids and come home. Then your working day involves looking after 3 children, one of whom requires additional care potentially. Then your working day is getting dinner ready, kids, house etc. until he walks in at say 6.

So your working day is already longer than his cos the commute isn't work. It's relax time.

So when he gets in, he should be
a. Desperate to see his kids and do stuff with them
b. Now job sharing the house job. I cook, DH tidies and looks after kids. DH does bed for youngest and I tidy and watch older one. DH does bed for eldest and I relax because I did have a longer day than him.

I'd be looking out that you're have less work to do if you were single and he'd get the kids at least EOW do you would get a break

I'd also get up I've weekend morning and declare you need to pop into town and just leave, or mention when he comes in that the kids are fed but you've had a last minute invite somewhere and never him to do it

I see you are claiming carers allowance. Do you also get Universal credit or does your 'D' H earn too much? As if so you can also claim carers element as you have a disabled child and care for them more than 35 hours a week.

If you are not eligible due to his wages please remind him if you are legally your child's carer (which you are) there is no legal requirement for you to look for work or have a job as the GOVERNMENT deem you to be 'in a job/work' so tell him you are not a Sahm you are a legal carer with a bloody job so he needs to man up. Or fuck off and see how it's like having the kids 50/50 and working and doing household and life admin.

That’s great, when he gets home hand over that child and tell him as it is practically the weekend with just that one child he won’t mind having them all evening, and both weekend days.

This exactly!

I’m gobsmacked by the number of people who think looking after a disabled child is part of the housework.

And this is why I refuse to be a SAHM. Get a job, make him pay childcare and split household chores.