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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH works 9-5, so everything is my responsibility

300 replies

Hipp0campus · 14/08/2023 07:44

Basically that.
DH works 9-5, so has never done any night wakings, early mornings ect.
His ruling is that he works and I don't, so the childcsre/house/shopping stuff is my responsibility.

Generally fine with this, logically makes sense. But when I ask for help or have been up since 4.30am with disabled DC, it'd be great to have some help.

If i ask him to change a nappy or something else, I get told I'm nagging. But he won't do it off his own back.

We have 3 DC, one disabled.
I feel like a single parent half the time.

YABU - you don't work so crack on

YANBU- 3 DC need both hands on deck.

OP posts:
Cazzovuoi · 14/08/2023 08:04

Your job is also 9-5 and anything outside of that is shared.

Otherwise you’re working 24/7 vs his 40 hours.

M103 · 14/08/2023 08:05

YANBU at all. It should be 50/50 when he is not at work. Not sure what you can do to successfully change the situation though. You could start working, but this will not guarantee that he will do his share. You may end up still doing everything. Hopefully, someone will come up with some good suggestions. Good luck 🤞

toomuchlaundry · 14/08/2023 08:07

What does he do at the weekend? Does he just sit there watching you parent and doing the chores? Is @SummerDuck your DH?

GOODCAT · 14/08/2023 08:07

You work all day looking after at least one child plus housework etc. When you are both there it should be 50/50. You both get to have equal child free time outside his working hours plus commute. You should both take some child free time.

SeulementUneFois · 14/08/2023 08:09

It sounds like he didn't really want to be a parent.

Did he?
And did he want to have three children?

Starseeking · 14/08/2023 08:09

Hipp0campus · 14/08/2023 07:52

@legalseagull his point is that all week is my weekend, 2 of the DC are school age so I do have between 9am-2.30pm with just the one DC.

All week isn't your weekend, if you still have one DC to look after. Surely he is aware that you couldn't do any adult only activities with DC in tow? E.g. go to the hairdressers, spa or even participate in your own hobby during that time???

He sounds awful and I suggest you get a job sharpish and start dividing labour more fairly. If he refuses, at least you'll be better set up for your new life when you get sick of being his dogsbody and divorce him.

cptartapp · 14/08/2023 08:09

CapEBarra · 14/08/2023 08:03

My ex was like this. I got a job and divorced him. Now he has to do it 50% of the time by himself.

This.
Remind him he's going to shoot himself in the foot if he doesn't step up.
Your life will become a lot more easier than his if you split. You'll get half of every week off for a start.

LookingForFreeDoughnuts · 14/08/2023 08:10

He's an office worker and your some sort of indentured servant? Nothing about what you've described is fair.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 14/08/2023 08:12

SummerDuck · 14/08/2023 07:59

I am really surprised by the number of people who become SAHMs and then expect DHs to come home from work and start doing housework etc. That is quite literally the purpose of having a SAHP.

I work and my husband is at home, working part time - when I get home I take over the evening, because 2yr olds- and 6yr olds in the holidays- are exhausting. It’s about being a partnership.
If all children are in school then you’re right- but preschoolers / kids with additional needs are all consuming

toomuchlaundry · 14/08/2023 08:13

I bet he wouldn’t do his fair share of custody if they divorce, but at least there would be one less person in the house to feed and clean up after

SalmonEile · 14/08/2023 08:14

If all week is your weekend and what you do is such a breeze then he should have no problem taking over at the weekend - for at least one of the days anyway

toomuchlaundry · 14/08/2023 08:14

If he didn’t want to be a parent there is a thing called contraception

HolidaysShouldNotEnd · 14/08/2023 08:15

We both worked full time. And both parented at evenings and weekends. I am disgusted at men who see their wives as slaves

Comedycook · 14/08/2023 08:15

SummerDuck · 14/08/2023 07:59

I am really surprised by the number of people who become SAHMs and then expect DHs to come home from work and start doing housework etc. That is quite literally the purpose of having a SAHP.

Generally I agree with this especially if there is only one child or the children are older...but, the op has three children and one is disabled. That must be absolutely exhausting. An average 9-5 job will be far easier than what she does.

PuttingDownRoots · 14/08/2023 08:16

SAHP do what needs doing when the other parent is at work.
Anything out of working hours like nappies or dishes or cooking or taking them to activities is a shared responsibility.

Fraaahnces · 14/08/2023 08:19

Oh no… Just no. He’s one of THEM.
What do you do all day? Sit on your bum watching tv? No. 24/7 is sooooo relaxing. You’re obviously very spoilt. (Not). He needs a very hard dose of reality. If this means leaving him in charge of all of your kids for a few days (because… what if you had to go to hospital?) he’s going to have to learn how. Prick.

Soontobe60 · 14/08/2023 08:20

SummerDuck · 14/08/2023 07:59

I am really surprised by the number of people who become SAHMs and then expect DHs to come home from work and start doing housework etc. That is quite literally the purpose of having a SAHP.

Children need looking after 24/7. Just because one parent’s job is to do all the domestic drudgery whilst the other one works outside the home, it doesn’t mean that the parent working outside the home does bugger all with his children when he’s AT home. The OP needs as much sleep as the children’s father. She can’t just ignore the children and grab 40 winks during the day!

OnlineExxxcitement · 14/08/2023 08:24

This is outrageous and why feminism is needed now more than ever. I would highly recommend you get a job and your financial independence OP as this is the type of bloke that will leave you high and dry whenever he feels like it and throw back in your face that "oh that was your choice". No no no. Do you LIKE being a SAHM!?!!! This has made me cross partly cos he is a walker but so many posters and enabling and normalising his behaviour. Cos women who work don't parent at all do they. Also... 9 to 5 is nothing.

GG1986 · 14/08/2023 08:26

Just because he works 9-5 doesn't mean he gets to escape being a parent ffs! They are his children too, so when he finishes work he should at least be changing a nappy or playing with his children.

Sparkletastic · 14/08/2023 08:27

Would going back to work and paid childcare for your 3rd child be a possibility? Would rather pull the rug from under his sexist bullshit and failure to be a good father to his DCs.

AnSolas · 14/08/2023 08:28

SummerDuck · 14/08/2023 07:59

I am really surprised by the number of people who become SAHMs and then expect DHs to come home from work and start doing housework etc. That is quite literally the purpose of having a SAHP.

When did looking after a child by changing a nappy become housework?

Me, I am always surprised at the number of people who think that because there is no agreed wage or hours involved that the one parent should be on call 24/7 (and that is not taking account of the disabled child)

Saoirse82 · 14/08/2023 08:28

SummerDuck · 14/08/2023 07:57

You are a SAHM so course caring and household duties are your responsibility. Your DH is going out to work to provide an income for the family. I really don’t see the issue.

So he works an 8 hour day 5 days a week but she works a 24 hour day 7 days a week? Fuck off....

Willmafrockfit · 14/08/2023 08:29

9 to 5 is pretty standard
he must be home in the evening?

CrazyArmadilloLady · 14/08/2023 08:29

Gotta love these blokes who think looking after a kid is akin to sitting on your arse all day….

….while at the same time, run screaming from the very idea of parenting themselves. Grin

Yeah, fuckwit, you know exactly how hard it is, don’t you?! It’s why you’re absolutely terrified of ever having to do it yourself.

Olika · 14/08/2023 08:31

He is taking the piss. I am SAHM at the moment so I do all child/home/shopping but my husband still plays, changes nappies, gives breakfast no matter how tired he is from working a lot. Your husband cannot just not be involved with kids because he works. It's like he doesn't want to be a parent and involved.