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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH works 9-5, so everything is my responsibility

300 replies

Hipp0campus · 14/08/2023 07:44

Basically that.
DH works 9-5, so has never done any night wakings, early mornings ect.
His ruling is that he works and I don't, so the childcsre/house/shopping stuff is my responsibility.

Generally fine with this, logically makes sense. But when I ask for help or have been up since 4.30am with disabled DC, it'd be great to have some help.

If i ask him to change a nappy or something else, I get told I'm nagging. But he won't do it off his own back.

We have 3 DC, one disabled.
I feel like a single parent half the time.

YABU - you don't work so crack on

YANBU- 3 DC need both hands on deck.

OP posts:
Spendonsend · 14/08/2023 08:31

I certainly think if looking after one child between 9 and 2.30 is your weekend, you can in good faith leave him with one child between 9 and 2.30 with a list of what ever chores you would normally do, to enjoy his weekend.

But more seriously, of course the bulk of stuff falls on you but it shouldnt be all. 24/7 is relentless.

I cant imagine saying I loved someone and then letting them do every night shift knowing it was breaking them. Surely in a loving partnership you book a day off and do a run of nights to let the other recouperate. Partners are meant to look out for and care for each other and sometimes that might mean carrying the other for a bit because they need more support. Its not meant to be a competition of who does more or exactly sharing tasks at all cost.

Keyworks · 14/08/2023 08:32

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daisiesyellow · 14/08/2023 08:33

His time off work is his time off work.
It's not time off of being a parent or a homeowner!
If he was single and living alone he would still have to do all the household stuff for himself when he got home! So he still needs to expect to be doing that now!
If he thinks being at home and looking after the kids is a weekend for you then it can't be that hard can it...

SalmonEile · 14/08/2023 08:33

@SummerDuck im a SAHP , I have toddlers at home so for example- I don’t expect my husband to come home and start scrubbing floors but I would hope he’d clear the dishes after dinner while I put kids to bed or put the kids to bed while I do the dishes - stuff like that.

everyone’s set up is different though

Thelonelygiraffe · 14/08/2023 08:36

SummerDuck · 14/08/2023 07:57

You are a SAHM so course caring and household duties are your responsibility. Your DH is going out to work to provide an income for the family. I really don’t see the issue.

Really? So op should be on duty 24/7? And have no breaks? Even if her h only works a 40-hour week?

Why do you think that's fair?

Mamai90 · 14/08/2023 08:36

I'm a SAHM and my DH works two jobs, and guess what? He still changes nappies, plays, and clears up after dinner while I get the kids ready for bed.

Your 'D'H is a selfish oaf and in all honesty I'd be divorcing his lazy arse.

Thelonelygiraffe · 14/08/2023 08:38

SummerDuck · 14/08/2023 07:59

I am really surprised by the number of people who become SAHMs and then expect DHs to come home from work and start doing housework etc. That is quite literally the purpose of having a SAHP.

Actually, no, the purpose of a SAHP is to provide a secure foundation for children and to spend time with dc, bringing them up and looking after them.

Not clean the house.

SummerDuck · 14/08/2023 08:38

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Mynameishi · 14/08/2023 08:38

lanthanum · 14/08/2023 07:58

Perhaps you should take the older two away for the weekend, and see how he finds a weekend with just the one DC.

Show quote history

This. Ask him if he's up for it

Therealjudgejudy · 14/08/2023 08:39

Has your situation always been like this op?

FannyFifer · 14/08/2023 08:40

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I've heard some pish in my time but this, wtf is this utter nonsense..

bakewellbride · 14/08/2023 08:41

It's ridiculously unfair that you work around the clock and he works 9-5! He sounds terrible, there is no way I'd be putting up with that, I think I'd probably just lose my shit altogether!

Bring a SAHM IS very, very hard work indeed and he should be doing his share when he's at home. What an awful man not even wanting to look after his own children.

bakewellbride · 14/08/2023 08:41

Being

SalmonEile · 14/08/2023 08:42

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And he’ll have to provide 50% of the “services” himself then?

Original poster
Hipp0campus · 14/08/2023 08:42

Didn't want to drip feed, but a year ago i was working night shifts 2/3 nights a week, so would sleep 7pm-10pm, then work 11pm-7am, then do school runs and have other DC all day, DH would get home at 6.30pm and I still wouldn't be able to sleep until all DC were in bed- about 9/10pm. Did that for a year and it nearly killed me. Sleep deprived to the max. So now on carers allowance as unable to find a suitable job around DC.

OP posts:
Mumof2teens79 · 14/08/2023 08:42

He works 9-5
Not 12 hour days.
Not nights
Not shifts
Not away for 3 months

You work 24/7 by sounds of it.

It does make sense for you to take on more of the home and kids stuff, and all of it while he is at work. But not all of it.

I used to do night waking with DD1 while I was on mat leave...except weekends OH did those
Then when I went back to work we split any midnight dramas
Then when on mat leave with DD2 we shared them again because being at home with a toddler was harder wuth less chance of breaks/naps than being at work 9-5

Thelonelygiraffe · 14/08/2023 08:42

Both parents should have equal downtime.

He may work 40 hours a week, but how many hours are you on duty?

At weekends you should share lie-ins, getting up in the night, and housework.

You staying at home with your dc enables your dh to have a career. If you weren't here, how much do you think he'd have to pay to outsource looking after the dc, childcare, housework, cooking etc?

Your h is a selfish prick.

You and your dc deserve much better.

triballeader · 14/08/2023 08:42

That is completely unreasonable.

I ended up as a SAHP as childcare costs for a SN child with complex needs exceeded what I could earn. Talked it through with DH who had a far greater earning potential. He then worked from 7.30am till 8pm to cover our costs. he also pitched in when he came home, helped with shopping and when he was not working weekends did his best to give me a few hours off. I do not think you are being seen as a carer with an extra load. We have a partnership, share finances and communicate even now. If he imagines child benefit and the pittance paid to carers pays you to be at home doing nothing he has no idea that it does not cover for much and it’s certainly not money for nothing.

By your Husbands logic all the hours spent caring in and out of hospital and fighting for every bit of support and therapy and education on top of trying to keep a home running has to be a wonderful way to spend a weekend.
Perhaps he should try your job for a week it if he think he is Mr Bountiful who should be waited upon.

SunRainStorm · 14/08/2023 08:43

You need equal downtime.

He's being a prick .

Thelonelygiraffe · 14/08/2023 08:45

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I've never read so much crap in my life.

Op staying at home with her dc FACILITATES her dh to have a career. If OP weren't here, how much do you think her h would have to pay to outsource looking after the dc, childcare, housework, cooking etc?

A lot more than he earns, I bet.

Op is contributing more than her share to the running of the household and bringing up their dc.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 14/08/2023 08:45

Comedycook · 14/08/2023 07:56

I can pretty much guarantee that if you worked full time he'd still do nothing.

Ding ding ding!

And what’s this about “his ruling is that”? He’s not the boss. Why does he get to decide what a fair split of domestic duties is?

He works 9-5 plus commute. You’ve been working since 4.30am and don’t stop til not only are the kids all in bed, but the household stuff is done.

Put it down on paper to help you figure it out: your hours, his hours. Your free time, his free time. You’ll see that he’s an absolute fucker.

Vvvvvvvvvvvvvv · 14/08/2023 08:46

SummerDuck · 14/08/2023 07:57

You are a SAHM so course caring and household duties are your responsibility. Your DH is going out to work to provide an income for the family. I really don’t see the issue.

What a load of bollocks.

OP - I work longer hours than 9-5 in a senior job and have one child - going to work is 100% easier than looking after our child on maternity leave was (with my husband helping as much as he could as he had a similar job to mine). Your DH is massively in the wrong!

Clefable · 14/08/2023 08:47

Hold on, what about people who work 9-5 and don't have kids. Do they do fuck all housework or anything chore-related outside of work? Are they all living in shit pits because they can't clean up? Do they starve because they can't go shopping? Of course not.

He's a lazy, useless tosser.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 14/08/2023 08:50

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That would be a pretty stupid own goal for someone who doesn’t want to do any housework or childcare?!

He’d have to do it all!

Clefable · 14/08/2023 08:51

@SummerDuck If your posts are genuine then I feel horrendously sorry for you that you've been brought up to or have experienced life in such a way to have those kind of beliefs. A very sobering reminder that there are people who think like this bringing up the men and women of tomorrow, and so the cycle perpetuates.