To think most people do not 'obsess' over why a woman is childfree?

[Eastie77Returns]

I know several women in their late 30s/early 40s who do not have children. I know one is not childfree by choice (close friend) but have no idea about the others apart from two who have actively chosen to share that they have never wanted kids. I do not spend any time at all wondering why the others do not have children. I assume they don't want them or, as is sadly the case of my friend, are unable to but it isn't something I dwell on or speculate about.

I've read multiple columnists in newspapers and articles in magazines in which child free women declare that the public at large, and mothers in particular, are 'obsessesed' with women who do not have children and it's exhausting having to constantly explain why you do not have any etc. They are fed up with the general assumption that they are selfish, career-mad, horrible child haters and this sentiment mostly comes from women who have kids. I have DC as do most of my friends. In my 10 years as a parent I have never had a conversation with any of them about 'selfish' childless women. Most of us completely understand why someone would prefer not to have kids!

I might be alone in thinking this but I honestly don't think most people really care about a woman's childbearing status. Obviously there are many ridiculous individuals who think it's ok to question a woman's choice and trott out BS like "you've never known true love/what tiredness really is until...." but I honestly think they are in the minority and the majority of mothers do not really care. Or am I being naive? My friends who are childfree by choice tell me they have occasionally been asked if they have kids but with rare exceptions have not been asked why not or any other follow up questions.

YANBU. But why has this bothered you to the point of making a thread?

I don't care either, given the interest and the feeling of having a right to know some have around women's reproductive systems I well believe that many do though. I also recognise that society does still judge women (wrongly) even though I personally don't, so I don't think it's unfounded the judgement some women feel.

and this attitude of “you’re something to be pitied because you made a different choice to me,” is a problem.

you can keep your pity and save it for someone who actually needs it. Imagine if it was the other way around and child free by choice people felt sorry for you for having kids?

Just because you don't judge childfree women doesn't mean their experiences are not valid. There's certainly a significant section of society that views the childfree with suspicion/pity/contempt, or all of the above. Ridiculous in 2023 but there you go.

@DaisyAndDonaldDuck
More money, more time, more freedom, less stress, and no damage to their insides? 🤔

I have no idea why people who choose not to have children sometimes make such a big deal of it. Those sort of articles are just so tedious and uninteresting.

We all know older women who don’t have children, it’s hardly that unusual.

By wondering you are giving it headspace, and by saying you feel sorry for them it sounds like you do actually care for some weird reason.

Why do you feel sorry for people who do not want children? I can understand for those who have the choice taken from them, ie who want children but cannot for various reasons; but do you genuinely not see why it's not for everyone? Perfectly possible to have a fulfilled and enjoyable life without children, something I believe in even more since having them.

I think it’s the opposite of obsession. My experience is that child free woman are often an irrelevance to women with young children as their lives (understandably) become consumed

Is it so hard to believe that others have different wants and needs to you?

If someone has longed for children and for whatever reason has been unable to have them, then yes I would have empathy for them, however I would never ask the reason unless they told me.

If someone tells me they have chosen not to have children then I wouldn’t question them either, it’s frankly none of my business and doesn’t affect my life at all. The people who have an issue with it, I see it as their problem - they probably have a hard time with people having their own opinions and views in general.

I always wanted children and enjoy my children but thats my choice and I am very lucky that I was able to have them that’s how I view it.

I have a couple of happily married childfree friends. I have idly wondered why they haven't had children, is it not wanting them or infertility, but I'd never ask and don't give it much thought

Well bless your rather stupid little heart.

I can't reply to this in the way I would like, because it would be full of four letter words and get deleted.
But, hear this my friend - I do not need your pity. But you do prove why childfree women feel so judged, whereas I would never dream of asking a parent why they had 1/2/3/4 or more children.

Well I don't care. But am sure others do.And across the world, societies do obsess over it.

As it happens, in my 50s, I have more child free friends than not..Because am sick to death of talking about children.

I don't think any of my friends with children wonder why I don't have them. No such thing as a happily ever after choice in life - we've all got our problems.

It hasn't bothered me. I was curious if others feel (as I do) that most people are not overly concerned about a woman's choice not to have children.

Do they make a big deal out of it though? Still in the media, in popular culture and whatever else there seems to be an expectation that women want children. I haven't seen many articles and the like about it (especially when viewed proportionately against the amount about children), but the ones I have seen always have tonnes of defensive comments from parents under them, why is this? My presumption is that those who are unhappy with their choice to have children resent those who didn't and feel the need to prove themselves. I'm secure in my choice and so think good for you rather than have an extreme reaction to it.

I think most people significantly overestimate other people’s interest in them.

Women tend to get judged whatever they do. Whether that be remaining child free, being a SAHM, babies in nursery, "only" working part time. Everyone should butt out of each others business, unless it's abusive or neglectful or something

Heh. I guess this is a universal truth.

I am v interested in other people's pets though as I can't have any.

I'm quite sure that most of us don't want to make a big deal of it, and simply want to be left to live our lives in peace.

Others love to make a big deal out of it though. The parents who guilt you about denying them grandchildren, friends who go on about what a lovely mum you'd be if you'd only give it a chance, the doctor who refuses medical treatment because you can't possibly know your own mind, the colleague who wonders what's wrong with you.

I long for the day when it's not made into a big deal.

Some people choose not to have children, some can't have children. Not my business unless they choose to share.

I have several relatives who do not have children , no one has mithered them about it it's just who they are 🤷🏻‍♀️ . It never gets brought up .

I'm surprised that other women's reproductive choices are something you think about to this extent.

Personally, you can take your pity elsewhere.