To think most people do not 'obsess' over why a woman is childfree?

[Eastie77Returns]

I know several women in their late 30s/early 40s who do not have children. I know one is not childfree by choice (close friend) but have no idea about the others apart from two who have actively chosen to share that they have never wanted kids. I do not spend any time at all wondering why the others do not have children. I assume they don't want them or, as is sadly the case of my friend, are unable to but it isn't something I dwell on or speculate about.

I've read multiple columnists in newspapers and articles in magazines in which child free women declare that the public at large, and mothers in particular, are 'obsessesed' with women who do not have children and it's exhausting having to constantly explain why you do not have any etc. They are fed up with the general assumption that they are selfish, career-mad, horrible child haters and this sentiment mostly comes from women who have kids. I have DC as do most of my friends. In my 10 years as a parent I have never had a conversation with any of them about 'selfish' childless women. Most of us completely understand why someone would prefer not to have kids!

I might be alone in thinking this but I honestly don't think most people really care about a woman's childbearing status. Obviously there are many ridiculous individuals who think it's ok to question a woman's choice and trott out BS like "you've never known true love/what tiredness really is until...." but I honestly think they are in the minority and the majority of mothers do not really care. Or am I being naive? My friends who are childfree by choice tell me they have occasionally been asked if they have kids but with rare exceptions have not been asked why not or any other follow up questions.

You must have a very poor imagination if you feel pity for everyone who makes a different choice to you

You see I think this is a total overreaction. I've got childfree friends who have expressed pity for me because I have kids. I feel pity for parents of small kids sometimes even though I've got kids. It's just not that deep that you have to start justifying how great your life is. It just feels so over sensitive for someone who has an 'amazing life'. Like we all think thank fuck that's not me sometimes when we look we look at other people's lives because we all want different things from life.

DaisyAndDonaldDuck attitudes like yours are exactly the problem and what you have said is judgement. I am 40, no children (not through choice) and it is difficult enough without people like you. I don't wonder why people have children so why do you question those who don't??And pitying those without children even if that is their choice suggests that you assume your life choices are better than those of women without children. What an awful attitude.

When I’m asked if I have any grandchildren I get very fed up with my peers saying things along the line of…

well you never know !

they might change their minds!

poor you not ever having grandchildren 😱

I'd either think they didn't want kids or couldn't have them. I'd give it no more thought than that because a) it's none of my business and b) I don't care

Eh?! I’m not over sensitive at all, I just don’t want pity from someone who claims to feel sorry for anyone who hasn’t got children! That is an awful attitude to have!

Spot on 👌🏻.

i make it clear i don't want kids as i don't want anyone to feel sad for me that i don't have them.

Also YANBU OP.

No one I know questions this, most of my friends are child free, we have horses! Even older friends with children don’t care.

There's been loads of threads on this and some posters do actually pop up with lines like

You'll never know true love if you don't have children

You won't feel complete without children

Is it because you're too selfish to put a child first

Somebody even said something stupid like you're not really a responsible adult without kids or some shite? Like I don't go to work and pay bills because I don't have kids? Are you only and adult if you have children?

A lot of women are so patronising towards women who choose not to have children and it's exhausting. I've always known I didn't want kids but all my life I've heard "you'll change your mind one day" no I won't. I can't think of anything worse and no it's not because I'm selfish it's the total opposite. I swear half the time people only have kids because it's the social norm and that's selfish. What if you are on the fence then get pregnant and give birth and then can't stand being a parent? Is that fair in the child?

Don't even get me started on people who think we don't count because we don't have kids like when you are expected to work every Christmas/summer because you obviously don't need/want to spend time with loved ones when you don't have children.

I am on the fence. For some reason I keep getting child free tiktok on my feed, despite me using it for excel help, embroidery, interior design and dogs videos.

Some of the comments made to child free women are awful. There’s definitely some parents, mainly (but not exclusively) women who have children who are obsessed with putting women who don’t have kids down. I don’t get it. I have to think those parents are struggling or not entirely happy with their choice to have kids or jealous. Because really why would you try and be awful to someone who made choice that doesn’t impact you.

On the other hand, it’s not a prevalent as child free people make out, imo. And often child free people just simply take exception about anyone talking about their kids. On the flip side of the above, I have seen these childfree tiktokers insert themselves in conversations where where people are talking about how much they love being a parent and taken it as a personal insult to them. Plenty of social media threads, posts etc about how much people hate kids. Unfortunately even if you chose to be childfree, it doesn’t mean you have a right to never be around children. Again, it’s obviously not all child free people.

Its as though they don’t believe you can love being a parent and not care that other people don’t want kids. Again, I think these people must not be happy with their choice.

Then I don’t understand anyone who has a whole social media account and makes their entire personality out of being a parent or being child free.

I think it’s all a bit odd.

I think life gets easier when you realise that when people say something critical or negative about you/someone else, they’re usually really talking about themselves. I think people who comment negatively on other people not having kids really mean, “I have a narrow sphere of imagination/I feel defensive about the fact you’ve made a different choice to me/I’m unsure about my own choices and I want to test my thinking by provoking a conversation about it with someone else” etc. Similarly, some people say really unpleasant things about parents and especially mothers on here - I read it as “I am very stupid or very unhappy or both”. It’s not about me.

I don't personally care if they have kids or not. I actually respect their decisions if it's out of choice and sometimes feel jealous of them! But there's some users on this site and outside who themselves are obsessed with what we think. There was a thread the other day which I found opinions fascinating and genuine and one just jumped on being rude for no reason and stating several times they thought women with kids were more superior??? Never had that crossed my mind but for her she's internally getting annoyed for something that noone cares about really.

How very patronising of you

One could just avoid influencers, Tiktok and other rubbish.

It's interesting to me that you made this thread, as though your opinion and the opinions of anyone who hops on to say they don't care invalidates the experience of childfree women who feel scrutinised and judged.

You only have to search a few threads to see that judgement does exist, and as another poster said - even if its just that mad 1% of the population it can easily feel too much.

Maybe you aren’t weird about child-free women, but as you’re not a child-free woman I don’t think you’re best placed to comment on this issue really. A quick straw poll of your friends isn’t indicative of wider trends and doesn’t invalidate the experiences of other women which might be different to theirs.

I don’t have kids and neither does my sister. I don’t have any because I never wanted any. My sister doesn’t have any because she can’t, which for a long time was a cause of intense sadness to her. Both of us have frequently been quizzed quite intrusively, often by people we hardly know, about why we don’t have kids - and the older we’ve got, the worse it’s been. For me that’s an irritation but for my sister it’s really, really hurtful. I’ve witnessed her leave a room in tears because someone kept on at her about it at a family wedding.

Throughout my 30s I also had to deal with frequent insinuations from random colleagues that I must be pregnant or trying to get pregnant. I lost loads of weight and my boss said he assumed I was trying for a baby. I had medication for a health issue which meant I couldn’t drink alcohol and I had people asking me then if I was pregnant.

I’ve certainly had people tell me I would change my mind and that my life wouldn’t be complete without kids, etc.

Basically, some people absolutely can be really nosy and weird about women’s reproductive choices.

Literally nobody really gives a . Same goes for the boring sex/gender wars. People will pick something to write a column on and speak as if EvERYboDy is judging them for their choices. Literally nobody is. But that wouldn't generate clicks, would it?

I agree with this.

Myself and my husband have been asked countless times by people "are we planning to have kids" "when are you having kids then" and whilst on holiday some woman looked me up and down and remarked "I presume you don't have kids"

Sometimes I feel like going into intricate detail about my gynelogical history but then realise its not worth getting myself wound up about.

Wow, only the second post in and you prove to the OP that actually yes, there are too many idiots in the world who look down on childfree women.

this would make a wonderful teenagers bedroom”

”yes it would but we don’t have children so we’re more looking at it for working at home space”

😂Love the 'yes it would' !

I think the ones who do vang on about it are exactly the same ones who also bang on to/ about those who are mums re their choices in childbearing. We all fleetingly wonder about one another and how those around us live their lives, but dwelling on it, or going on about things that are none of your business crosses a line. Hopefully there aren't too many about, but those that do don't draw the line at sticking their beak in about those without children.

@musixa i didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable 😆 which with hindsight maybe I shouldn’t have worried about