To think most people do not 'obsess' over why a woman is childfree?

[Eastie77Returns]

I know several women in their late 30s/early 40s who do not have children. I know one is not childfree by choice (close friend) but have no idea about the others apart from two who have actively chosen to share that they have never wanted kids. I do not spend any time at all wondering why the others do not have children. I assume they don't want them or, as is sadly the case of my friend, are unable to but it isn't something I dwell on or speculate about.

I've read multiple columnists in newspapers and articles in magazines in which child free women declare that the public at large, and mothers in particular, are 'obsessesed' with women who do not have children and it's exhausting having to constantly explain why you do not have any etc. They are fed up with the general assumption that they are selfish, career-mad, horrible child haters and this sentiment mostly comes from women who have kids. I have DC as do most of my friends. In my 10 years as a parent I have never had a conversation with any of them about 'selfish' childless women. Most of us completely understand why someone would prefer not to have kids!

I might be alone in thinking this but I honestly don't think most people really care about a woman's childbearing status. Obviously there are many ridiculous individuals who think it's ok to question a woman's choice and trott out BS like "you've never known true love/what tiredness really is until...." but I honestly think they are in the minority and the majority of mothers do not really care. Or am I being naive? My friends who are childfree by choice tell me they have occasionally been asked if they have kids but with rare exceptions have not been asked why not or any other follow up questions.

Child rearing should be, autocorrect

And yes I would feel sorry for them even if they insisted it was their choice

well that's odd

I mean that proves the OP wrong as unfortunately the world is full of weirdos.

I voted yanbu - as I have lots of childless friends and it never crosses my mind as to why - and then this^^ rubbish was the second post.

I apologise to childless women (it's women this is generally aimed at, not men) for that vote. I promise that we are not all secretly pitying you. Wtf.

How very patronising of you

Indeed.

Some choose not to share (and don't want to share) their breeding choices but unfortunately the 'do you have any children/family' is a classic conversation starter up there with the weather is weird this summer isn't it and have you been on holiday.

I do find myself wondering if it's through choice or because they couldn't have them, purely through reason of not wanting to put my foot in it in any way. I find those who are struggling to conceive/haven't been able to, do actually mention it up front pretty frequently. I'm always hyper conscious of talking too much about my own DC, too.

Childfree and am a few years off 40. People assume I am a lot younger normally and assume I want kids. When they find out my age and realise I don't want them, they are always surprised. I am the only woman my age that I know with no kids so it does feel isolating at times. Still definitely doesn't make me want kids though. I like my sleep and peace too much amongst many, many other reasons.

I used to work with a man in his 50s who was in a long term relationship but didn’t have kids. I wondered why just as much as I do about a current colleague in her 30s.

Personally, I understand having no kids better than choosing to have 3 or more, especially when you take all the extra work, noise and expense into account.

I’m childless, not by choice and due to something rather traumatic.

I didn’t get asked much when I was younger but now I’m 68 I’m sick to the teeth of women of my age group asking if I don't miss having grandchildren and how much I’m missing out on etc.

Admittedly they don’t know why I didn’t have children but even so….

Of course I would love children and grandchildren but that chance was taken and I wish they’d just shut up about it tbh.

I admit to being curious about women who don’t have children and will sometimes google to see if a person (M or F) has children, I realise it’s none of my business.

I would not ask a friend or colleague because I don’t want to cause pain. If it comes up in conversation, then that’s a different matter. But I have no right to this information or the reasons why unless they choose to share this.

@Eastie77Returns it would be lovely if everyone was like you and knew that if someone didn't want children that was their business. If you take a look at some of the threads on the Childfree board you'll see that not everyone is as open minded

Nah not the interested, plus I know more people without kids than with so it seems pretty normal to me. I also absolutely 100% don’t secretly pity anyone without kids.

I admit to being curious about women who don’t have children and will sometimes google to see if a person (M or F) has children

Curious in what way?

YANBU. I'm not interested in random women's reproductive choices.

I don’t want children. At all. In fact, I tried unsuccessfully to get sterilised on the NHS when I was in my late twenties but got the usual patronising bollocks of ‘oh you’ll change your mind blah blah blah’. I’m 42 now and still have the exact same viewpoint. Family life does NOT appeal to me. I probably am selfish in a way but there’s nothing wrong with having the self awareness to understand a child will irrevocably destroy the life you currently have and not want that for yourself.

I really don’t care what other women think about my choice. The ones that like to voice pity, the selfish line or the you don’t know real love crap are usually…….the ‘perfomative’ ones who plaster their fake perfect life with their kids all over social media but crack open the wine every single night because they can’t cope and hate their boring mummy life, or the massively entitled ones that constantly moan about how hard, difficult their life is and how they should be able to get more help and this paid for and that paid for just because they have kids. Or the ones that push out kid after kid but don’t actually parent them. Or the martyrs- they are the ABSOLUTE worst. Oh, I’m such a good person. I’ve sacrificed my entire existence for my children..
blah blah….the ‘mama bear’ morons 🙄🙄🙄

The normal parents just get on with it and don’t really give a shit whether I have kids or not. They are the ones I try to maintain friendships with. The rest can get in the bin. 😂

Ask Jennifer Aniston. She might have a different take on it.

I can never understand why being childless is being selfish. Does anyone know? I mean apart from not making someone a grandparent (which isn’t selfish or a good reason to have kids) I can’t think of a single reason why this gets trotted out.

I dont think people generally mean it's selfish not to have children rather they mean that a person is too selfish to have children. Ie they think that the person wouldn't be able to put themself aside enough to look after another human adequately.

I don’t think the bloggers are lying at all. I’m questioning their assumption that society, and mothers in particular, are all concerned with their child-free status and think they are cold-hearted, selfish etc. As @Inmybirthdaysuit put it, the question “do you have children” is usually a conversation starter as opposed to the preamble to judgement and derision if the answer is “no”.

Most people might wonder for a moment why a woman in her 40s doesn’t have children but the vast majority of humans are too caught up in their own affairs to give it more than a second thought.

I’ve been asked about my martial status a few times and on many, many occasions women have referred to my partner as my husband. I have also been asked why I’m not married which is certainly annoying. However I don’t think it then follows that married women who asked me then judge me or truly care about my non-married status. I doubt they give it a second thought!

I know women who obsess over other women not having children.
My colleague goes round our office asking the childfree women (and sometimes men) when they are ever going to have kids. She does it at least once a fortnight. She's even been know to sneak up on women saying "tick tock" as a conversation started. I am not joking, she used to do it to me, and I went nuts.
I'm a mother now but I fucking hate when people are nosey and ask when you are having kids and why you don't have kids.
People on here tend to say they don't really care and are just making conversation.
If that's the case why not ask them what they did at the weekend instead of something that none of their busines and potentially very upsetting?
And for what it's worth I envy my childfree friends and I have never once pitied them. Being a mother is hard hard work and definitely not for everyone.

I think it’s somewhat different for women in the public eye although even then I think the ‘interest’ in their child free status is media driven. How many women in the street think or care about Jennifer Aniston? Obviously if Kate Middleton didn’t have kids there would be huge public interest but that’s because her sole job was literally to produce an heir.

Well as a woman who isn't child free, you're not in a position to tell, are you? We all get asked if we have children. You only know the response your affirmative answer recieves. You have no idea what women who answer in the negative experience.
I agree that obsessed feels a bit strong, I don't think people are obsessed with other people's circumstances. But interested, curious, speculative? Absolutely.
As for the stereotypes, well they don't need to be said explicitly about child free women to be perpetuated. Everytime some one insists that having children made them 'less selfish' or being at home with your children is 'the most important job you will ever do' the implication is clear.
I have children, and I've seen this, so I can imagine child free woman have too.

I didn't think people obsessed at all. But like some PPs have said, it seems like it's the people that want to feel good about their own choices to put other people down.

I'm not going to have kids. Lots of my friends and family have been having kids last 5 years or so. And I'll be honest, it doesn't do much to make me want to. All I seem to see is people looking grumpy and totally worn out when their kids aren't behaving, ignoring their kids completely, previously happy couples arguing constantly and divorcing, major physical ailments post birth, people really worried about money and providing for their kids, and friends saying stuff like 'I'm really struggling and haven't had time for myself and husband for several years now'. These aren't very poor people, they're pretty normal average families.

I can also see the immense joy that kids provide, and what wonderful relationships people can have with their little as well as adult kids. I enjoy having children figures in my life and it's really rewarding.

So a lot of the time when someone is having kids I wonder 'have they thought this through?' A lot of people don't seem to have had an idea of what they signed up for, and they'll say so themselves.

Maybe it's now me that's trying to feel good about my own choices now!

This is so rude, but typical of the tone deaf responses these kind of threads get. Have you seen some of the arseholes that call themselves parents out there? It’s honestly laughable that this gets bandied around as a negative…..having the self awareness, self worth and knowledge that having a child is not a good idea……for the child p, nor yourself…..is actually a good thing and should be applauded.

If anything, it’s more selfish to bring a child into the world that you know you can’t care for adequately for 18 years……that you already know you can’t afford (you know, that 3rd, 4th, 5th kid you’re popping out when you can’t even feed the 2 you already have properly), that won’t have a proper family unit or role models (because even though your husband is a lazy abusive dick you’ve deluded yourself having a baby will be fine), that will be neglected or abused……all just because you want to. You’re creating a human being to live in a shit environment….for yourself and to satisfy your emotional needs…..you don’t think about the child at all.