To think most people do not 'obsess' over why a woman is childfree?

[Eastie77Returns]

I know several women in their late 30s/early 40s who do not have children. I know one is not childfree by choice (close friend) but have no idea about the others apart from two who have actively chosen to share that they have never wanted kids. I do not spend any time at all wondering why the others do not have children. I assume they don't want them or, as is sadly the case of my friend, are unable to but it isn't something I dwell on or speculate about.

I've read multiple columnists in newspapers and articles in magazines in which child free women declare that the public at large, and mothers in particular, are 'obsessesed' with women who do not have children and it's exhausting having to constantly explain why you do not have any etc. They are fed up with the general assumption that they are selfish, career-mad, horrible child haters and this sentiment mostly comes from women who have kids. I have DC as do most of my friends. In my 10 years as a parent I have never had a conversation with any of them about 'selfish' childless women. Most of us completely understand why someone would prefer not to have kids!

I might be alone in thinking this but I honestly don't think most people really care about a woman's childbearing status. Obviously there are many ridiculous individuals who think it's ok to question a woman's choice and trott out BS like "you've never known true love/what tiredness really is until...." but I honestly think they are in the minority and the majority of mothers do not really care. Or am I being naive? My friends who are childfree by choice tell me they have occasionally been asked if they have kids but with rare exceptions have not been asked why not or any other follow up questions.

Yes, I should have added the caveat that in certain cultures/socities childless women are routinely questioned or regarded with suspicion.

FWIW I have two DC and have been left bored senseless on occasion when some of my friends talk endlessly about their kids. My assumption is no-one is as interested in my children as I am (why would they be) so I save the chat about their wonderful achievements for my extended family who have to put up with me!

I have sometimes idly wondered about people I know who have children.
Whether they really wanted them or whether they just didn't really know what to do next.

Some women once they become a mum just identify as mum, it becomes the most important thing about them. I think the same can be said for some childfree people, generally the ones that would write articles about it or join specific forums, childfree is their identity.

The mum would be outraged if someone asked is Johnny walking yet? They take it as a personal slight, a dig, pointing out that their baby is behind in development and all the rest. When in reality it was just trying to make conversation. The childfree if someone asks do you have kids sees it as an attack, they think it's weird that I don't have kids, why do they want to know about my ovaries, they think every woman should have a child etc. When in reality they were just trying to make conversation.

When you don't have much in your life other than your kids or your identity as childfree then you become really protective over it and really sensitive to anything you perceive as criticism. Where as the truth is most people are too busy living their own lives and too wrapped up in themselves to care about your kid or your choice not to have kids.

@DaisyAndDonaldDuck

You just sound utterly ghastly

Do you always assume you know best about everything

100% this

I don't give a shit if a woman doesn't want children. There's 8 billion people in the world. We're not running low.

But I am amazed how many people do seem to feel strongly about it. Weirdos.

I think the most boring thing about a person is if they had kids or not. If I were at a dinner party with Angela Merkel and Ursula Von Leyen ( opposite ends of the spectrum) I would have better things to talk about.

There are always some people coming onto the Childfree Board with goady comments - MN might not be representative of the general populace though.

Von Der Leyen I meant.

This!

if you asked me which of my close friends had children I’d have to briefly think. It’s not how I categorise them.

If only the reast of the world was so uninterested as people here claim to be (of course few had to say they piti childfree women 🙄) but reality is that women without children do get judged, harshly.
And told they are selfish, cold, don’t know love, will regret it, die alone etc.

So, I think it’s good it talked about, so childfree women don’t have to feel so alone in this.
Society still sadly put mother’s on a pedestal and look down on women who aren’t.

Why would you feel sorry for them? Would you feel sorry if they chose to change career? Or not to marry? Or to divorce?

Having kids is just one life stage that many people go through and others don't for many reasons.

Of course no one on mumsnet would ever ask irl and never ever would say something like "but what about real love😱", everuone just silently wonders occasionally.
Of course.

I don't think people will admit on here the overly personal questions they ask. Like people would admit other bad behaviour.

You'd have to think whether your close friends have children? Are you sure they're close friends? I mean I don't place value on my friends with children over those without but that's wild!

Please don’t feel sorry for me! I have an amazing life with my husband, dog, career, friends, lovely home and holidays and have never regretted not having children! How patronising!

Personally I don’t care (unless someone wants to share with me and then of course I do)

BUT I know child free people who are constsntly faced with questioning about when they are going to have a baby. As a parent happy with one child I still get people asking when I will have more.

so it is true that some people pay way to much attention to the reproductive systems of others!

Ooh look @Eastie77Returns it's one of those ridiculous individuals you were talking about in your OP!

I think you're maybe underestimating the power of the ridiculous minority. If you think of all the people you come into contact with, if 1% of those people ask you an upsetting/offensive/personal question.....that's still quite a lot isn't it? I don't think anyone is suggesting it's the majority asking these questions, but a large enough minority.

That's a very immature position to take .

Christ alive, you sound dreadful.

But why? Do you thing people should have children they don't want?

I’m childless & I don’t think other women obsess about it but I have come across some women who seem completely wrong footed when I tell them - I only do if it seems relevant

when DH & I were looking for a house we were looking for something with 3 bedrooms because I work from home & we wanted a spare for when ppl came to stay. Completely understandable that the estate agent assumed we had kids as they began their speil

”this would make a wonderful teenagers bedroom”

”yes it would but we don’t have children so we’re more looking at it for working at home space”

and she just stopped and looked at us and you could see she’d designed her entire pitch around selling us a family home for people with kids and couldn’t readjust - so she just carried on 😆

”breakfast bar - great for those mornings when you’re in a hurry to get them to school”

”extra bathroom under the stairs so you don’t have to fight them yo get your space”

I mean it was funny how discombobulated she was - you’d have thought we’d just arrived from Mars or something!

funnily enough we didn’t buy the house 😆

😂

But you're ignoring the people who are experiencing this who are saying in the v blog you've read that this happens. Why do you think she's lying? Why do you think that because you don't do something that other people don't?

I had kids in my 30s, i was constantly asked in my 20s when is be having kids. Largely by women with kids. I can only imagine the horror of is declared I just didn't want them.

It is there, it is rife, and it exists at a societal level as well as in individuals. Aside from the judgment and pity from parents, evidenced already on this thread (wtf, people?) I had to fight for years for highly necessary gynaecological treatment which meant that I would no longer be able to have children afterwards, even when I was absolutely clear that this was my choice and I was taking responsibility for it. I lost a big chunk of my late thirties and early forties to severe anaemia and periods so heavy that I couldn’t leave the house; often couldn’t get through a virtual meeting without having to leave to change my protection. To be told under those circumstances that I didn’t really know my own mind and they wanted me to wait to be sure was utterly dismissive and patronising.

I have to agree with you.

It will be more and more commonplace as the years roll on.

Both my adult children are choosing not to have kids, I admire their many reasons for why they made this decision. I’m happy with their choices.